MOMUS

BY your leave, Mortals. Goodden Cozen Hermes; your pardon good my Lord Ambassador: I found the ta bles of your Arms and Titles, in every Inn betwixt this and Olympus, where your present expedition is registered, your nine thousandth nine hundred ninety ninth Legation. I cannot reach the policy why your Master breeds so few Statesmen, it suits not with his dignity that in the whole Empyraeum there should not be a God fit to send on these honourable errands but your self, who are not yet so care full of his honour as your own, as might become your quality, when you are itinerant: the Hosts upon the high way cry out with open month upon you for supporting pil very in your train; which, though as you are the God of petty Larcinry, you might protect, yet you know it is di rectly against the new order, and opposes the Reformati on in Diameter. Let it if it can; in the mean time I will acquaint it with my condition. Know (gay people) that though your Poets who enjoy by Patent a particular privilege to draw ne any of the Deities from Twelfnight till Shrove tuesday, at what time there is annually a most familiar en ter course between the two Courts, have as yet never in vited me to these Solemnities, yet it shall appear by my intrusion this night, that I am a very considerable Person upon these occasions, and may most properly assist at such entertainments. My name is Momus-ap-Somnus-ap-Ere bus-ap-Chaos-up-Demogorgon-ap-Eternity. My Offices and Titles are, The Supreme Theomastix, Hupercrittique of manners, Protonotary of abuses, Arch-Informer, Di lator General, Universal Calumniator, Eternal Plaintiff, and perpetual Foreman of the Grand Inquest. My privi leges are and ubiquitary, circumambulatory, speculatory, in terrogatory, redargutory immunity over all the privy lodgings, behind hangings, doors, curtains, through key holes, chinks, windows, about all Venerial Lobbies, Sconces or Redoubts, though it be to the surprise of a perdu Page or Chambermaid, in, and at all Courts of civil and criminal judicature, all Counsels, Consultations, and Parliamentary Assemblies, where though I am but a Wool sack God, and have no vote in the sanction of new laws, I have yet a Prerogative of wresting the old to any what soever interpretation, whither it be to the behoof, or pre judice, of Jupiter his Crown and Dignity, for, or against the Rights of either house of Patrician or Plebeian gods. My natural qualities are to make Jove frown, Juno powt, Mars chafe, Venus blush, Vulcan glow, Saturn quake, Cynthia pale, Phaebus hide his face, and Mercury here take his heals. My recreations are witty mischiefs, as when Saturn guelt his father; the Smith caught his wife and her Bravo in a net of Cobweb-Iron; and Hebe through the lubricity of the pavement tumbling over the Halfpace, pre scented the Emblem of the forked tree, and discovered to the tanned Ethiops the snowy cliffs of Culabria with the Grotta of Puteolum. But that you may arrive at the per fect knowledge of me by the familiar illustration of a Bird of mine own feather, old Peter Aretine, who reduced all the Sceptres and Mitres of that Age tributary to his wit, was my Parallel; and Frank Rublais sucked much of my milk too; but your modern French Hospital of Oh ratory, is mere counterfeit, and arrant Mountebanke, for though fearing no other tortures than his Sciatica, he dis course of Kings and Queens with as little reverence as of Grooms and Chambermaids, yet he wants their fang teeth, and Scorpions tail; I mean that fellow, who to add to his stature thinks it a greater grace to dance on his tiptoes Like a Dog in a doublet, than to walk Like other men on the soles of his feet. Sir, by your favour, though you have a more espe ciall Commission of employment from Jupiter, and a lar her entertainment from his Exchequer, yet as a freeborn God I have the liberty to travel at mine own charges, without your pass or countenance Legacine; and that it may appear a sedulous acute observer, may know as much as a dull flegmatic Ambassador, and wears a Triple key to unlock the mysterious Ciphers of your dark secrecies, I will discourse the politic state of heaven to this trim Audience.— At this the Scene changes, and in the heaven is disco vered a Sphere, with Stars placed in their several Images; born up by a huge naked Figure (only a piece of Drapery hauging over his thigh) kneeling, and bowing forward, as if the great weight lying on his shoulders oppressed him, upon his head a Crown, by all which he might easily be known to be Atlas. — You shall understand, that Jupiter upon the inspe ction of I know not what virtuous Presidents extant (as they say) here in this Court, but as I more probably ghesle out of the consideration of the decay of his natural abilities, hath before a frequent continued ̄ vocation of the Superlunary Peers in a solemn Oration recanted, disclaimed, and utterly re nounced all the lascivious extravagancies, and riotous en ormities of his forepast licentious life, and taken his oath on Junos Breviary, religiously kissing the two-leaved book, never to stretch his limbs more betwixt adulterous sheets, and hath with pathetical remonstrances exhorted, and under strict penalties enjoined a respective conformity in the several subordinate Deities; and because the Liber tines of Antiquity, the Ribald Poets, to perpetuate the memory and example of their triumphs over chastity, to all future imitation, have in their immortal songs celebra ted the martyrdom of those Strumpets under the pierce cution of the wives, and devolved to Posterity the Pedi grees of their whores bawds, and bastards; it is therefore by the authority aforesaid enacted, that this whole Army of Constellations be immediately disbanded and casheerd, so to remove all imputation of impiety from the Coelesti all Spirits, and all lustful influences upon terrestrial bo die; and consequently that there be and Inquisition erected to exspunge in the Ancient, and suppress in the modern and succeeding Poems and Pamphlets, all passed, present, and future mention of those abjured heresies, and to take par ticular notice of all ensuing incontinences, and punish them in their high Commission Court. Am not I in electi on to be a tall Statesman think you, that can repeat a pass sage at a Counsel-table thus punctually? Heaven! Heaven is no more the place it was; a cloister of Carthusians, a Monastery of converted gods, Jove is grown old and fearful, apprehends a subversion of his Empire, and doubts lest Fate should introduce a le gall succession in the legitimate heir, by repossessing the Titanian line, and hence springs all this innovation. We have had new order read in the Presence Chamber, by the Vi-President of Pernassies, too strict to be observed long. Monopolies are called in, sophistication of wares punished, and rates imposed on Commodities. Injunctions are gone out to the Nectar Brewers, for the purging of the heavenly Beverage of a narcotic weed which hath rendered the Idaeacs confused in the Divine intellects, and reducing it to the composition used in Saturn's Reign. Edicts are made for the restoring of decayed housekeeping, prohibiting the repayrs of Families to the Metropolis, but this did endanger and Amazonian mutiny, till the females put on a more masculine resolution of soliciting businesses in their own persons, and leaving their husbands at home for stallions of hospitality. Baccus hath commanded all Taverns to be shut, and no liquour drawn after ten at night. Cupid must go no more so scandalously naked, but is enjoined to make him breeches though of his mother's petticoats. Ganymede is forbidden the Bedchamber, and must only minister in public. The gods must keep no Pages, nor Grooms of their Chamber under the age of 25. and those provided of a competent stock of beard. Pan may not pipe, nor Proteus juggle, but by especial permission. Ʋ ulcan was brought to and Oretenus and fined, for driving in a plate of Iron into one of the Suns Chariot-wheels and frost-nailing his horses upon the fifth of November last, for breach of a penal Statute prohibiting work upon Ho lydayes, that being the annual celebration of the Gygan tomachy. In brief, the whole state of the Hierarchy suf fers a total reformation, especially in the point of reci procation of conjugal affection. Venus hath confessed all her adulteries, and is received to grace by her husband, who conscious of the great disparity betwixt her perfections and his deformities, allows those levities as and equal counterpoise; but it is the prettiest spectacle to see her stroking with her Ivory hand his collied cheeks, and with her sinowy fingers combing his sooty beard. Jupiter too begins to learn to led his own wife, I left him practising in the milky way; and there is no doubt of and u niversall obedience, where the Lawgiver himself in his own person observes his decrees so punctually; who be sides to eternise the memory of that great example of Ma trimoniall union which he derives from hence, hath on his bed chamber door, and seeling, fretted with stars in capital letters, engraven the Inscription of CARLO MARIA. This is as much I am sure as either your knowledge or Instructions can direct you to, which I having in a blunt round tale, without State-formality, po litique inferences, or suspected Rhetorical elegancies, all ready delivered, you may now dexteriously proceed to the second partly of your charge, which is the raking of yond heavenly sparks up in the Embers, or reducing the Aethe riall lights to their primitive opacity, and gross dark sub sistance; they are all unrivited from the Sphere, and hang lose in their sockets, where they but attend the waving of your Caduce, and immediately they reinvest their pri stine shapes, and appear before you in their own natum rall deformities. Are not these fine companions, trim playfellows for the Deities? yet these and their fellows have made up all our conversation for some thousands of years. Do not you fair Ladies acknowledge your selves deeply en gaged now to those Poets your servants, that in the height of commendation have raised your beauty's to a parallel with such exact prpportions, or at least ranked you in their spruce society. Hath not the consideration of these Inha bitants rather frighted your thoughts utterly from the con templation of the place? but now that those heavenly Mansions are to be void, you that shall hereafter be found unlodged will become inexcusable; especially since For tue alone shall be sufficient title, fine, and rend: yet if there be a Lady not competently stocked that way, she shall not on the instant utterly despair, if she carry a sufficient pawn of handsomeness; for however the letter of the Law runs, Jupiter notwithstanding his Age and present austerity, will never refuse to stamp beauty, and make it currant with his own Impression; but to such as are desti tute of both, I can afford but small encouragement. Pro ceed Cozen Mercury, what follows? This Crab, I confess, did ill become the heavens; but there is another that more infests the Earth, and makes such a solstice in the politer Arts and Sciences, as they have not been observed for many Ages to have made any sen sible advance: could you but led the learned squadrous with a masculine resolution passed this point of retrogradati on, it were a benefit to mankind worthy the power of a God, and to be paid with Altars; but that not being the work of this night, you may pursue your purposes: what now succeeds? From henceforth it shall be no more said in the Proverb, when you would express a riotous Assembly, That hell, but heaven is broke lose: this was and arrant Goal-delivery, all the prisons of your great Cities could not have vomited more corrupt martyr: but Cozen Cyl leneus, in my judgement it is not safe that these infectious persons should wander here to the hazard of this Island, they threatened less danger when they were nailed to the Firmament: I should conceive it a very discreet course since they are provided of a tall vessel of their own ready rigged, to embark them all together in that good Ship call worser the Argo, and send them to the plantation in New-England, which hath purged more virulent humours from the politic body, then Guacum and all the West-Indian drugs have from the natural bodies of this king dome: Can you devise how to dispose them better? Here is a total Eclipse of the eighth Sphere, which neither Booker, Allestre, nor any of your Progno sticators, no nor their great Master Tico were aware of; burr yet in my opinion there were some innocent, and some generous Constellations, that might have been reserved for Noble uses: as the Scales and Sword to adorn the statue of Justice, since she resides here on Earth only in Picture and Effigy. The Eagle had been a fit present for the Germanes, in regard their Bird hath mewed most of her feathers lately. The Dolphin too had been most well come to the French, and then had you but clapped Perseus on his Pegasus, brandishing his Sword, the Dragon yaw ning on his back under the horses feet, with Pytheus dart through his throat, there had been a Divine St. George for this Nation: but since you have improvidently shuffled them altogether, it now rests only that we provide and immediate succession, and to that purpose I will instantly proclaim a free Election, Whereas we having observed a very commendable pra ctice taken into frequent use by the Princes of these latter Ages, of perpetuating the memory of their famous enter prizes, sieges, battles, victories, in Picture, Sculpture, Ta pistry, Embroideries, and other manufactures, wherewith they have embellished their public Palaces, and taken into Our more distinct and serious consideration, the parti cular Christmas hangings of the Guard-Chamber of this Court, wherein the Naval Victory of 88. is to the eternal glory of this Nation exactly delineated: and whereas We likewise out of a prophetical imitation of this so laudable custom, did for many thousand years before, adorn and beautify the eighth room of Our celestial Mansion, come monly called the Starchamber, with the military and ventures, stratagems, achievements, feats and defeats, performed in Our Own person, whilst yet Our Stan dard was erected, and We a Combatant in the Amorous Warfare. It hath notwithstanding, after mature delibera cion, and long debate, held first in our own inscrutable bosom, and afterwards communicated with Our Privy counsel, seemed meet to Our Omnipotency, for causes to Our self best known, to unfurnish and disarray Our foresaid Starchamber of all those Ancient Constellati ons which have for so many Ages been sufficiently noto rious, and to admit into their vacant places, such Persons only as shall be qualified with exemplar Virtue and emi nent Desert, there to shine in indelible Characters of glow ry to all Posterity. It is therefore Our divine will and plea sure, voluntarily, and out of Our own free and proper motion, mere grace and special favour, by these presents to specify and declare to all Our loving People, that it shall be lawful for any Person whatsoever, that conceives him or her self to be really endued with any Heroical Virtue or transcendent Merit, worthy so high a calling and digni ty, to bring their several pleasant and pretences before Our Right trusty and Well-beloved Cozen, and Counsellor, Done Mercury, and God Momus, &c. Our peculiar Delegates for that affair, upon whom We have transferred and absolute power to conclude, and determine without Appeal or Revelation, accordingly as to their wisdoms it shall in such cases appear behooveful and expedient. Given at Our Palace in Olympus the first day of the first month, in the first year of the Reformation. Plutus enters, and old man full of wrinkles, a bald head, a thin white beard, spectacles on his nose, with a bunched back, and attired in a Robe of Cloth of gold. This is subterraucan Fiend, Plutus, in this Diamond lect termed Riches, or the God of gold; a Poison, hid by Providence in the bottom of Seas, and Navel of the Earth, from men discovery, where if the seeds begun to sprout aboveground, the excrescence was carefully guarded by Dragons, yet at last by humane curiosity brought to light, to their own destruction; this being the true Pandora's box, whence issued all those mischiefs that now fill the Universe. Nay stay, and take my benediction along with you. I could, being here a Co-Iudge, Like others in my place, now that you are condemned, either rail at you, or break jests upon you, but I rather choose to lose a word of good counsel, and entreat you to be more careful in your choice of company, for you are always found either with Misers, that not use you at all; or with fools, that know not how to use you well: be not hereafter so reserved and coy to men of worth and parts, and so you shall gain such credit, as at the next Sessions you may be herd with better success. But till you are thus reformed, I pronounce this positive sentence, That wheresoever you shall choose to abide, your society shall add no credit or reputation to the party, nor your discontinuance, or total absence, be matter of disparagement to any man; and whosoever shall hold a contrary estimation of you, shall be condemned to wear perpetual Motley, unless he recant his opinion. Now you may void the Court. Paenia enters, a woman of a pale colour, large brims of a hat upon her head, through which her hair started up Like a fury, her Robe was of a dark colour full of patches, about one of her hands was tied a chain of Iron, to which was fastened a weighty stone, which she boar up under her arm. The Antipodes to the other, they move Like two Buckets, or as two nails drive out one another; if Riches depart, Poverty will enter. I cannot but wonder that your perpetual con versation with Poets and Philosophers hath furnished you with no more Logic, or that you should think to im pose upon us so gross and inference, as because Plutus and you are contrary, therefore whatsoever is denied of the one, must be true of the other; as if it should follow of ne cessity, because he is not Jupiter, you are. No, I give you to know, I am better versed in cavils with the gods, then to swallow such a fallacy, for though you two cannot be together in one place, yet there are many places that may be without you both, and such is heaven, where neither of you are likely to arrive: therefore let me advice you to marry your self to Content, and beget sage Apothegms, and goodly moral Sentences in dispraise of Riches, and contempt of the world. See where Dame Fortune comes, you may know her by her wheel, and that veil over eyes, with which she Hope's Like a seeled Pigeon to mount above the Clouds, and perch in the eighth Sphere: listen, she begins. Madam, I should censure you, pro falso clamor , for preferring a skandalous cros-bill of recrimination a gainst the gods, but your blindness shall excuse you. Alas! what would it advantage you, if virtue were as universal as vice is? it would only follow, that as the world now exclaims upon you for exalting the vicious, it would then rail as fast at you for depressing the virtuous; so they would still keep their tune, though you changed their ditty. This is the sprightly Lady Hedone, a merry game ster, this people call her Pleasure. I concur, and am grown so weary of these to dious pleadings, as I'll pack up too and be gone: Beside, I see a crowd of other suitors pressing hither, I'll stop' em, take their petitions and prefer they above; and as I came in bluntly without knocking, and no body bid me welcome; so I'll depart as abruptly without taking leave, and bid no body fare well.