FACTOR

Gentlemen, I am neither Printer, nor Chronologer, but one that otherwise take pleasure i'my Pen: A Factor of news for all the Shieres of England; I do write my thousand Letters a week ordinary, sometim twelve hundred, and maintain the business at some charge, both to hold up my reputation with mine own ministers in Town, and my friends of correspondence in the Country; I have friends of all ranks, and of all Religions, for which I keep and answering Catalogue of dispatch; wherein I have my Puritan news, my Protestant news, and my Pontificial news. And I have hope to erect a Staple for news ere long, whither all shall be brought, and thence again vented under the name of Staple-newes; and not trusted to your printed Conundrums of the serpent in Sussex, or the witches bidding the Devil to dinner at Derby: News, that when a man sends them down to the Shieres where they are said to be done, were never there to be found. I confess it, but it is the Printing I am offended at, I would have no news printed; for when they are printed they leave to be news; while they are written, though they be false, they remain news still. And I, as much as comes. From the Moon! which way? by sea? or by Land? Where? which is he? I must see his Dog at his girdle, and the bush of thorns at his back, ere I believe it. And has your Poet brought all this? What Inns, or Alehouses are there there? does he tell you? Why, in travail a man knows these things without offence; I am sure if he be a good Poet, he has discovered a good Tavern in his time. Many, as betwixt your men Taylor, and your woman's Taylor. I'll show you; your Men Poet may break out strong and deep i'th mouth, as he said of Pindar, Monte decurrens velut amnis. But your Woman's Poet must flow, and stroke the ear, and (as one of them said of himself sweetly) Must write a Verse as smooth, and calm as Cream, In which there is no torrent, nor scarce stream. Must write a Verse as smooth, and calm as Cream, In which there is no torrent, nor scarce stream. No, I could never arrive but to this Remnant. Yes Post, upon the Poets horse for a wager. A fine Lunatic language faith; how do their Lawyers then? How do they live then? have you Doppers? It's to be hoped there are women there then? And Lovers as fantastic as ours? No sir? Are there no self-lovers there? 'Slight what luck is that? we could have spared them a Colo nigh from hence. Then there are Ladies? And servants, and Coaches? have they any places of meeting with their Coaches, and take king the fresh open air, and then covert when they please, as in our Hyde-park, or so? And they have their new Wells too, and physical waters I hope to visit all time of year? By clouds still? Like enough; but to your news Gentlemen, whence come they?