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Full speech
Forsooth, Madam, he will be here by noon, And prays it of your bounty as a boon, That you by then have killed him Venison some, To feast his jolly friends, who hither come In threaves to frolic with him, and make cheer; Here's Little John hath harbord you a Dear, I see by his tackling. And I, the Chaplain, here am left to be Steward to day, and charge you all in fee, To don your Liveries; see the Bowerdrest; And fit the fine devises for the Feast: You George must care to make the Baldric trim, And Garland that must crown, or her, or him; Whose Flock this year, hath brought the earliest Lamb! Would they, wise Clarion, were not hurried more With Covetise and Rage, when to their store They add the poor men Eaneling, and dare fell Both Fleece, and Carcase, not gi'ing him the Fell. When to one Goat, they reach that prickly weed, Which makes all the rest forbear to feed; Or strew Tods hairs, or with their tails do sweep The dewy grass, to doff the simpler sheep; Or dig deep pits, their Neighbours Neat to vex, To drown the Calves, and crack the Heifers necks. Or with pretence of chasing thence the Brock, Send in a cur to worry the whole Flock. Hear you how Poor Tom, the Cook, is taken! All his joints Do crack, as if his Limbs were tied with points: His whole frame slackens; and a kind of rack Runs down along the Spondylls of his back; A Gout, or Cramp, now seizes on his head, Then falls into his feet; his knees are led; And he can stir his either hand, no more Then a dead stump, to his office, as before. His Fantasy is hurt, let us now leave him: The wound is yet too fresh, to admit searching.
Plot summary
Plot — A Tale of a Tub
Audrey Turf is to be married to John Clay, even though her father has promised her to Squire Tub: she drew Clay in a Valentine’s Eve lottery and her parents are determined that she should marry him on Valentine’s Day. The vicar, Sir Hugh, alerts Tub, and lays a plot to stop the wedding; but also abets Justice Preamble’s scheming to get the girl for himself. Tub’s governor Hilts poses as a servant whose master, Captain Thumbs, was attacked nearby; he has brought Constable Turf orders from the Queen to raise a hue and cry to catch the criminals; moreover, his description of one of them fits Clay, the bridegroom. Turf is obliged to postpone the wedding, and leaves his daughter with Hilts, who hands her over to Tub. Audrey at first thinks herself too low-born to be the Squire’s wife, but is won over by the prospect of social advancement. But before Tub can get her to church, he is arrested by Preamble. The judge leaves Tub with a pursuivant, saying he must return Audrey to her father; but the pursuivant turns out to be Preamble’s clerk, Metaphor, in disguise, and he explains that Preamble is actually taking her to church to marry her himself. Clay goes into hiding. Tub tells Turf that the robbery was a ruse by Preamble to enable him to take Audrey. Turf breaks off the hue and cry and intervenes in time to prevent the marriage, and takes Audrey home. Sir Hugh poses as the robbed man, Captain Thumbs, and complains of Turf’s negligence. Turf is summoned before Preamble to answer for abandoning the chase; he must produce the thief, presumed to be Clay, or pay back the stolen money himself. He sends Metaphor to fetch the cash, but Sir Hugh tells Metaphor to bring Audrey too. Tub and Hilts bully the plot out of Metaphor, and arrange to intercept him as he returns with Audrey. Tub takes the girl and lets Hilts and Metaphor have the money; but his mother, who has been out looking for him, catches up with him just as he is about to take Audrey to church. He claims he was taking her home, but Lady Tub will not be put off, and sends Audrey home with her gentleman usher, Pol-Marten—who woos her for himself. Tub roots out a supposed devil in Turf’s barn: it turns out to be Clay, hiding in the straw. Pol-Marten disguises Audrey in Lady Tub’s clothes, and Sir Hugh marries them, not realizing who they are. Tub invites the company home to supper, where he has arranged a masque whose central feature is a tub, representing his family; it has been devised by the cooper Medley,…