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Full speech
Ye kind to others, but ye coy to me Deft Mistress! whiter then the cheese, new pressed! Smoother then cream! and softer then the curds! Why start ye from me, ere ye hear me tell My wooing errand; and what rends I have? Large heards, and pastures! Swine, and Kie, mine own! And though my na'se be camus'd, my lips thick, And my chin bristled! Pan, great Pan, was such! Who was the chief of Herdsmen, and our Sire! I am na' Faith! na' Incubus! na' Changlin! But a good man, that lives of my awn gear. This house! these grounds! this stock is all mine awn! And hundred Udders for the pail I have, That give me Milk and Curds, that make me Cheese To cloy the Mercatts! twenty swarm of Bees, Whilk (all the Summer) hum about the hive, And bring me Wax, and Honey in by live. And aged Oak the King of all the field, With a broad Beech there grows afore my dur, That mickle Mast unto the ferme does yield. A Chestnut, whilk hath larded money a Swine, Whose skins I wear, to fend me From the Cold. A Pop green, and with a carved Seat, Under whose shade I solace in the heat; And thence can see gang out, and in, my neat. Twa trilland brooks, each (from his spring) does meet, And make a river, to refresh my feet: In which, each morning ere the Sun does rise, I look my self, and clear my pleasant eyes, Before I pipe; For, therein I have skill Above other Swine'ards. Bid me, and I will Straight play to you, and make you melody. Why scorn you me? He draws out other presents. Because I am a Herdsman, and feed Swine! I am a Lord of other gear! this sine Smooth Bawsons Cub, the young Grice of a Grey; Twa tynie Urshins, and this Ferret gay. I give them ye; As presents Mrs. Did you hear this? she wished me at the fiend, With all my presents! Unto my tree, Lorel meets her. To see my Masters.
Plot summary
Plot — A Tale of a Tub
Audrey Turf is to be married to John Clay, even though her father has promised her to Squire Tub: she drew Clay in a Valentine’s Eve lottery and her parents are determined that she should marry him on Valentine’s Day. The vicar, Sir Hugh, alerts Tub, and lays a plot to stop the wedding; but also abets Justice Preamble’s scheming to get the girl for himself. Tub’s governor Hilts poses as a servant whose master, Captain Thumbs, was attacked nearby; he has brought Constable Turf orders from the Queen to raise a hue and cry to catch the criminals; moreover, his description of one of them fits Clay, the bridegroom. Turf is obliged to postpone the wedding, and leaves his daughter with Hilts, who hands her over to Tub. Audrey at first thinks herself too low-born to be the Squire’s wife, but is won over by the prospect of social advancement. But before Tub can get her to church, he is arrested by Preamble. The judge leaves Tub with a pursuivant, saying he must return Audrey to her father; but the pursuivant turns out to be Preamble’s clerk, Metaphor, in disguise, and he explains that Preamble is actually taking her to church to marry her himself. Clay goes into hiding. Tub tells Turf that the robbery was a ruse by Preamble to enable him to take Audrey. Turf breaks off the hue and cry and intervenes in time to prevent the marriage, and takes Audrey home. Sir Hugh poses as the robbed man, Captain Thumbs, and complains of Turf’s negligence. Turf is summoned before Preamble to answer for abandoning the chase; he must produce the thief, presumed to be Clay, or pay back the stolen money himself. He sends Metaphor to fetch the cash, but Sir Hugh tells Metaphor to bring Audrey too. Tub and Hilts bully the plot out of Metaphor, and arrange to intercept him as he returns with Audrey. Tub takes the girl and lets Hilts and Metaphor have the money; but his mother, who has been out looking for him, catches up with him just as he is about to take Audrey to church. He claims he was taking her home, but Lady Tub will not be put off, and sends Audrey home with her gentleman usher, Pol-Marten—who woos her for himself. Tub roots out a supposed devil in Turf’s barn: it turns out to be Clay, hiding in the straw. Pol-Marten disguises Audrey in Lady Tub’s clothes, and Sir Hugh marries them, not realizing who they are. Tub invites the company home to supper, where he has arranged a masque whose central feature is a tub, representing his family; it has been devised by the cooper Medley,…