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Full speech
No goodness I warrant: you have few Cit tizens speak well of their wives behind their backs: but to their faces they e cog worse and be more suppliant, then Clients that sue in forma paper: how does my master? troth I am a very trewant: have you your Ruler about you master? for look you, I go clean awry. I shall in time when my hand is in: have you a new pen for me Master, for by my truly, my old one is stark nought, and will cast no ink: whither are you going lamb? Good Coal tarry not passed eleven, for you turn my stomach then from my dinner. I am so troubled with the rheum too: Mouse whats good fort? I think when also done I must follow his counsel, and take a patch, I have had one long ere this, but for disfiguring my face: yet I had noted that a mastic patch upon some women's Tem ples, hath been the very rhe wme of beauty. Yes you mad Greek: the Gentleman's gone. From whom. And why? And why, pray! Still, and why. Troth 'tis true, considering how much flesh is in every Sham bles. The world's and Arrant naughty-pack I see, and is a very scur vy world. Troth master I think thou wilt prove a very knave. I shall love a Puritans face the worse whilst I live for that Copy of thy countenance. Change a bowl then. He's a Knight made out of wax. What excuse shall I coin now? I'll come. The hour. If I breath. Farewell. So: now must I go set the tother Wenches the self same Copy. A rare Schoolmaster, for all kind of hands, I. O: What strange curses are poured down with one blessing? Do all tread on the heel? Have all the art to hoodwink wise men thus? And (Like those builders of Babels Tower) to speak unknown tongues. Of all (save by their husbands) understood: Well, if (as Ivy bout the Elm does twine) All wives love clipping, theres no fault in mine. But if the world lay speechless, even the dead Would rise, and thus cry out from yawning graves, Women make men, or Fools, or Beasts, or Slaves. New wine good sir Gozlin: wine in the must, good Dutch man, for must is best for us women. I and mine too, if any Courtier of them all set up his Gall lowes there: wench use him as thou dost thy pantables, scorn to let him kiss thy heel, for he feeds thee with nothing but Court holy bred, good words, and cares not for thee: sir Gozlin, will you taste a Dutch whatch you callum. Troth Idem not care: let em come: Idem tell em, weed h none of their dull Music. O I, do, do: and let sir Gozlin (because he has been in the low Countries) swear go z Sacrament, and driven e'm away with bro ke ̄ Dutch. Ah thou ungodly master. Every room there smells to much of Tar. But wenches, with what pullies shall we slide with some lenly excuse, out of our husbands suspicion, being gone West ward for smelts all night. Why then goodman scrape 'tis wound up, I have it. Sirrah Wafer, thy child's at nurse, if you that are the men could provide some wise ass that could keep his countenance. I, but I mean, one that could set out his tale with audaci ty, and say that the child were sick, and near stagger at it: That last should serve all our feet. 'Tis the uprightest dealing man? Gods my pity, whose yonder? A reckoning: Break one, break all. Let him: amongst women this does stand for law, the worthiest man (though he be fool) must draw. Oh for love, let none of em enter our room, fie. How? Good Tenterhook. Thats and exercise for your sub-burbe wenches. Get two rooms off at least if you love us. I know what string they would harp upon, if they could put us into the righ tune. I'll be she. Thats certain peace I hear them spitting after their To bacco. Motherly woman he's my husband and no Bachelors buttons are at his doublett Murder I see cannot be hid, but if this old Sibyl of yours speak oracles, for my partly, I'll be Like and Almanac that threa tens nothing but foulewether. Oh fie upon her, burn the witch out of our company. Then has he been twice cut ith head since we landed, once with a Pottle-po and now with old iron. And honest Butterbox: for if it be old, theres none of it coms into my belly. Yes faith as Gentlemen visit Merchants, to fare well, or as Poets young quaint R uellers, to laugh at them. Sirrah if I were some foolish Justice, if I would not beg thy wit never trust me. Because it hath been concealed all this while, but come shall we to boat, we are furnished for attendants as Ladies are, We have our fools, and our Ushers. Yes. Sir Gozlin? I do take it your legs are married. And yet you have a sweet tooth in your head. Oh excellent, a Spanish dinner, a Pilchard, and a Dutch supper, butter and Oni ons. They look so thin upon it.
Plot summary
Plot — Westward Ho
Through the bawd Birdlime, an earl is trying to corrupt Mistress Justiniano, but despite her husband’s jealous suspicions she has so far resisted his advances and remained chaste. He pretends bankruptcy, and tells her he is going abroad; but in fact he remains in London disguised as a writing teacher, Parenthesis. Meanwhile his wife, feeling the force of her poverty, is tempted by the Earl The wives of three citizens, Tenterhook, Wafer, and Honeysuckle, have a tavern assignation (arranged by ‘Parenthesis’) with Sir Gosling Glow-worm and friends; there they plan a journey westward by boat for a sexual night out in Brentford, with the wives’ absence explained by a ruse. ‘Parenthesis’ agrees to report that they have gone to visit Wafer’s sick child, and does so disguised as a collier. Mistress Tenterhook arranges for her kinsman Monopoly to be arrested for an unpaid debt to her husband, then bribes the arresting officer to free him so that he can join the party going to Brentford. ‘While their wives are away, the three citizens all try fo visit the same prostitute; Birdlime tries to juggle 1604 them, but they discover each other’s identities. Justiniano reveals himself and tells them where their wives really are, then takes his wife’s place, cross- dressed, at her assignation with the Earl. Discovering the substitution, the Earl thinks he has been visited by a succubus. Justiniano pretends he has poisoned his wife and shows the dead body; this is only a ruse, but the Earl is duly struck with conscience. At Brentford, the wives resist the gallants’ plans to seduce them, and Sir Gosling Glow-worm induces the local fiddlers to disturb the neighbourhood with bawdy songs. When the husbands arrive expecting to catch their wives in the act of adultery, they find them chaste. Monopoly’s debt is discharged through Justiniano’s intervention, and Sir Gosling attacked by outraged locals. The party returns home to London.