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Full speech
Anon sir, here sir, at hand sir. They are but rozining sir, and theile scrape themselves into your company presently. Well sir, you shall sir. Troth sir, my master, and sir Gozlin are guzzling: they are dabbling together fathom deep: the Knight hath drunk so much Health to the Gentleman yonder, on his knees, that he has almost lost the use of his legs. Come, come, come, follow me, follow me. I uva rant you would lost more by not falling into a found last night, than ever you God at one Job since it pleased to make you a noise: I can tell you, gold is no money with hem: follow me and fum, as you go; you shall put something into their ears, while I provide to put something into their bellies. Follow close and sum— Alas Sir, the Knight yonder Sir Gozlin has almost his throat cut by Powlterers and Townsmen and rascals, & all the Noise that went with him poor fellows have their Fiddle-cases pulled over their ears. Not much hurt Sir, but he bleeds Like a Big, for his crown's cracked. The troth is sir, one of the poor instruments caught a soar mischance last night: his most base bridge fell down, and belike they are making a gathering for the reparations of that. I think so Sir, I know not, I left them together in one room: and what division fell amongst them, the fates can descouer not I.
Plot summary
Plot — Westward Ho
Through the bawd Birdlime, an earl is trying to corrupt Mistress Justiniano, but despite her husband’s jealous suspicions she has so far resisted his advances and remained chaste. He pretends bankruptcy, and tells her he is going abroad; but in fact he remains in London disguised as a writing teacher, Parenthesis. Meanwhile his wife, feeling the force of her poverty, is tempted by the Earl The wives of three citizens, Tenterhook, Wafer, and Honeysuckle, have a tavern assignation (arranged by ‘Parenthesis’) with Sir Gosling Glow-worm and friends; there they plan a journey westward by boat for a sexual night out in Brentford, with the wives’ absence explained by a ruse. ‘Parenthesis’ agrees to report that they have gone to visit Wafer’s sick child, and does so disguised as a collier. Mistress Tenterhook arranges for her kinsman Monopoly to be arrested for an unpaid debt to her husband, then bribes the arresting officer to free him so that he can join the party going to Brentford. ‘While their wives are away, the three citizens all try fo visit the same prostitute; Birdlime tries to juggle 1604 them, but they discover each other’s identities. Justiniano reveals himself and tells them where their wives really are, then takes his wife’s place, cross- dressed, at her assignation with the Earl. Discovering the substitution, the Earl thinks he has been visited by a succubus. Justiniano pretends he has poisoned his wife and shows the dead body; this is only a ruse, but the Earl is duly struck with conscience. At Brentford, the wives resist the gallants’ plans to seduce them, and Sir Gosling Glow-worm induces the local fiddlers to disturb the neighbourhood with bawdy songs. When the husbands arrive expecting to catch their wives in the act of adultery, they find them chaste. Monopoly’s debt is discharged through Justiniano’s intervention, and Sir Gosling attacked by outraged locals. The party returns home to London.