BIRDLIME

Stay Tailor, This is the House, pray thee look the gown be not ruffled: as for the Jewels and Precious Stones, I know where to find them ready presently. She that must wear this gown if she will receive it, is Master Iustinianos wife (the Italian Mar chant) my good old Lord and Master, that hath been a Tylter this twenty year, hath sent it. Mum Taylor, you are a kind of Bawd. Taylor, if this Gentlewoman's Husband should chance to be in the way now, you shall tell him that I keep a Hothouse in Gunpowder Alley (near crouched Friars) and that I have brought home his wives foul Linen, and to continued lour my knavery the better, I have here three or four kinds of complexion, which I will make show of to fell unto her: the young Gentlewoman hath a good City wit, I can tell you, she hath read in the Italian Courtier, that it is a special ornament to gentlewomen to have skill in painting. Oh, I. Honest Con rey Wenches, in what hundred shall a man find two of that simple virtue? By your leave Bachelor: is the gentlewoman your Mi tris stirring? What says he? Where the Gentleman your Master, pray you? I am very thick of hearing. I pray you tell her heres and old Gentlewoman would speak with her. Oh no, she's acquainted well enough with my kn very. She comes. How do you sweet Lady? By Gods me I hope to call you Lady ear you die, what mistress do you sleep well on nights. A very pretty stuff, I know not the name of your forepart, but 'tis of a hair colour. Tush, if you respect your credit, never think of that, for beauty covets tich appatell, hoyce diet, excellent Physic, oh Germane Clock no Mathematical Ingin: whatsoever requires so much reparation as a woman's face, and what means hath your Husband to allow sweet Docter Glister-pipe, his pension. I have herd that you have threescore Smocks, that continued to three pounds a Smock, will these smocks ever hold out with your husband? no, your linen and your apparel must turn over a new lease I can tell you. I have herd he loved you before you were ma ryed intyrely, what of that? I have ever found it most true in mine own experyenc , that they which are most violent dotards before their marriage are most voluntary Coucouldes of ter. Many are honest, either because they have not wist, or be cause they have not opportunity to be dishonest, and this Italian your Husbands Countryman, holds it impossibilities ible any of their Ladies should be excellent witty, and not make the utter most use of their beauty, will you be a fool then? You are nice and p euish, how long will you hold out think you? not so long as Ostend. Enter Iustiniano the Merchant. 'Passion of me, your husband? Remember that I am deaf, and that I come to fell you complexion: truly Mi tris I will deal very reasonably with you. I forsooth. Please your good worship I am a poor Gentlewoman, that cast away my self upon and unthrifty Captain, that lives now in Ireland, I am aine to pick out a poor living with selling come plexion, to keep the frailty (as they say) honest. I thank your good worship for it. I have of all sorts forsooth? Here is the burned powder of a Hogs Jawbone, to be laid with the Oil of white Poppy, and excellent cus to kill Morphew, weed out Freckles, and a most excellent groundwork for painting; Here is Ginimo y likewise burned, and pulverized, to be mingled with the juice of Lymmons, sublimate Mercury, and two spoonfuls of the flow ers of Brimstone, a most excellent receit to cure the flushing in the face. Oh the most fortunate Gentlewoman, that will be so wise, and so, so provident, the Caroche shall come. Just when women & vintners are a cuni ring at midnight. Oh the entertainment my Lord will make you, sweet Wines, lusty diet, perfumed linen, soft beds, Oh most fortunate Gentlewo man. O my sides ache in my loins, in my bones? I would more needs of a posset of sack, and lie in my bed and sweat, than to talk in music: no honest woman would run hurrying up & down thus and undo her self for a man of honour, without reason? I am so lame, every foot that I set to the ground went to my heart. I thought I had been at Mum-chance my bones rattled so with jaunting? had it not been for a friend in a corner. Takes Aquavitae. I had kicked up my heals. All the Castles of comfort that I can put you into is this, that the jealous wittal her husband, came (Like a mad Ox) below king in while I was there. O I would lost my sweet breath with trotting. The freeze-lerkin Rascal out with his purse, and called me plain Bawd to my face. I spoke to her, as Clients do to Lawyers without money (to no purpose) but I'll speak with him, and hamper him to, if eve he fallen into my clutches: I'll make the yel ow-hammer her husband know, (for all he's and Italian) that theres a difference between a cogging Baud and and honest motherly gentlewoman. Now, what cold whetstonesly over your stomacher? will you have some of my Aquam? Why my Lord. I see bashful lovers and young bullocks are knocked down at a blow: Come, come drink this draught of Cynamon water, and pluck up your spirits: up with em, up with em. Do you hear, the whiting mop has nibbled. Did she vouchsafe to take them, the a question: you shall find she did vouchsafe: The troath is my Lord, I got her to my house, there she put off her own clothes my Lord and put on yours my Lord, provided her a Coach, Searched the middle I'll in Pawles, and with three Elizabeth twelve-pences pressed three knaves my L. hirde three Liveries in Long-lane, to man her: for all which so God mend me, I'm to pay this night before Sunset. Alas my Lord, I do but receive it with one hand, to pay it away with another, I'm but your Baily. In the green velvet Chamber; the poor sinful creature pants Like a pigeon under the hands of a Hawk, therefore use her Like a woman my Lord: use her honestly my Lord, for alas she's but a Novice, and a very green thing. Fie vpont, that were not for your honour: you know gen tlewomen use to come to Lords chambers, and not Lords to the Gentlewomen's; Idem not have her think you are such a Rank-ry der: walk you here: I'll beckon, you shall see isle fetch her with a wet finger? Hyst? why sweet heart, mistress Iustiniano, why pretty soul tread softly, and come into this room: here be rushes, you need not fear the creaking of your cork shoes. Enter Mistress Iustiniano. So, well said, theres his honour. I have business my Lord, very now the marks are set up: I'll get me score off, and give Aim. Now lamb! has not his Honour dealt Like and honest Noble man with you. I can tell you. you shall not find him a Templer, nor one of these cogging Cattern pear-coloured-beards, that by their good wou worser have no pretty woman escape them. Bawd and devil, and stale damnation! Will women's tongues (Like Bakers legs) never go straight. This old man, umh: this old man? do his hoary hairs stick in your stomach? yet methinks his silver hairs should move you, they may serve to make you Bodkins: Does his age grieve you? fool? Is not old wine wholesommest, old Pippines toothsommest, old wood burn brightest, old Linen wash whi test, old soldiers Sweet-hart are surest, and old Lovers are soun dest. I hatried both. Youd have some young perfumed beardless Gallants board you, that spits all his brains out ats tongues end, would you not? None at all? what do you make there then? why are you a burden to the world's conscience, and and eyesore to well given me ̄ , I dare pawn m gown and all the beds in my house, and all the gettings in Michaelmas term next to a Tavern token, that thou shalt never be and innocent. Fools? why then are you so precise: your husbands down the wind and will you Like a hagglers Arrow, be down the weather, Strike while the iron is hight. A woman when there be roses in her cheeks, Cherries on her lips, Civet in her breath, Ivory in her teeth, Lyllyes in her hand, and Lickorish in her heart, why she's Like a play. If new very good company, very good company, but if stale, Like old Jeronimo: go by, go by. Therefore as I said be before, strike. Beside: you must think that the commodity of beauty was not made to lie dead upon any young woman's hands: if your husband have given up his Cloak, let another take meam sure of you in his Jerkin: for as the Cobbler, in the night time walks with his Lanthorn, the Merchant, and the Lawyer with his Link, and the Courtier with his Torch: So every lip has his Lettice to himself: the Lob has his Lass, the Collier his Dowdy, the We stern- man his Pug, the Servingman his Punk, the student his Nun in white Friars, the Puritan his Sister, and the Lord his La die: which worshipful vocation may fallen upon you, if yowl but strike whilst the Iron is hight. I see, that as Frenchmen love to be bold, Flemings to be drunk, Welshmen to be called Britons, and Irishmen to be Counterfeit stermongers, so, Cocknyes, (especially Shee-Cocknies) love not Aq a-vite when 'tis-good for them. I saw him even now going the way of all flesh (thats to say) towards the Kitchen: heeres a letter to your worship from the party. The Tenterbook your wanton. The yellow I aundis, as the Doctor tells me: troth she's as good a peat: she is fallen away so, that she's nothing but bore skin and bone: for the Turtle so mourns for you. In black? you shall find both black and blue if you look under her eyes. Nay, but will you send her a Box of Mithridatum and Dram gone water, I mean some restorative words. Good Master Mono poly the know how welcome yare to the City, and will you ma ster Monopoly, keep out of the City; I know you cannot, would you saw how the poor gentlewoman lies. Troth as the way lies over Gads-hill, very dangerous: you would pity a woman's case if you saw her: write to her some trea tise of pacification. To morrow; sheele not sleep then but tumble, and if she might have it to night, it would better please her. All the painters in London shall not fit for colour as I can; but we shall have some swaggering? But I tell you, she's not so common as Lawyers, that I mean to betray to your Table: for as I'm a Sinner, she's a Knights Cozen; a Yorkshire gentlwoman, and only speaks a lit tle broad, but of very good carriage. You shall call her Cozen, do you see: two men shall wait upon her, and I'll come in by chance: but shall not the party be there? The writer of that simple hand. Mum, I'll come. Good Master Monopoly, I hope to see you one day a man of great credit. Thanks sir, I know you will, for all the kindred of the Monopolies are held to be great Fleecers. I'm bold to press my self under the Cullors of of your company, hearing that Gentlewoman was in the room: A word mistress? But no words that I bewrayed him. Good morrow mistress Luce: how did you take your rest to night? how does your good worship Like your lodging? what will you have to breakfast? Why do not you think he will send them? Yes in troth were they, civil gentlemen without beards, b to to say the truth, I did take exceptions at their knocking: took them a side & said to them: Gentlemen this is not well, that you should come in this habit, Cloaks and Rapiers, Boots and Spurs, I protest to you, those that be your Ancients in the house would have come to my house in their Caps and Gowns, civilly, and modestly. I promise you they might have been taken for Citizens, but that they talk more liker fools. Who knocks there? up in to your Chamber. Enter master Honisuckle. Who are you, some man of credit? that you come in m fled thus. Let me see your face first. Oh master Honisuckle, why the old party: the old party. As I live will you give me some Sack? where Opportu nity. Her name is Christian, but mistress Luce cannot abide that name, and so she calls her Opportunity. Is't a shilling, bring the rest in Aquam vit . Come shals go to Noddy. Here are the Cards? deal, God send me Dcces and Ances with a Court Carded, and I shall get by it. Yes if I have a coat Carded turn up. By my troth I must show all and little enough to, six games: play your single game, I shall double with you anon. Pray you lend me some silver to count my games? How now is it good Sack? Master Tenterhook the party is above in the dining Chamber. All alone? By this sack I will not tell you I say that the were a country Gentleman, or a Citizen that hath a young wife, or and Inn of Chancery Man, should I tell you? Pardon me; this Sack tastes of Horse flesh, I warrant you the leg of a dead horse hangs in the But of Sack to keep it quick? Oh God sir we are sworn to secrecy as well as Surgeons. Come drink to me, and lets to our game. How does your good worship, Passion of my heart, what shift shall I make. How hath your good wor. done, a long time? Your good worsh. I think be riding out of town. 'Tis certain, nothing sets a woman out better than a man. Yes truly. Company? Shall I say to your good worship and not lie, she hath had no company (let me see how long it was since your Wor. was hear) you w to to a Butchers feast at Cuckolds-haven the next day after Saint Lukes day. Not this fortnight, in good truth. And why was it? Go to, go to, I think you know better than I The wench asks every day when will M. wafer be here: And if Knights ask for her, she cries out at stairhead, As you love my life let em not come up, I'll do my self violence if they enter: Have not you promised his somewhat? Loves: Well, would you knew what I know, then you would say somewhat. In good faith she's very poor, all her gowns are at pawn: she owes me five pound for her diet, beside 40. sh. I lent her to redeem two half silk Kirtles from the Brokers, And do you think she needed be in debt thus, if she thought not of Some body. Nay in troth, she's now entering into bound for 5. pounds more, the Scrivener is but new gone up to take ber bound. I pray you when he comes down, stand muffled, and I'll tell him you are her brother. Oh, missed. Luce, missed. Luce, you are the most unfortunate gentlewoman that ever breathed: your young wild brother came newly out of the Country, he calls me Bawd, swears I keep a Bawdy house, says his sister is turned whore, and that he will kill, & slay any man that he finds in her company. I have pacified him somewhat, for I told him, that you were a Scrivener come to take a band of her, now as you go oorth say she might have had so much money if she had pleased, and say, she is and honest Gentlewoman and all will be well. I am spoiled. If I did it not to make your good worships merry, never el eve me, I will drink to your worship a glass of Sack. will your worship drink any Aquavitae? And yet he's ready to cry. Do not spurn any body in my house you were best. Excellent Luce, the getting of these two Diamonds mai chance to save the Gentlewomen's credit; thou heardst all. One that put me into pitiful fear, master I stiniano here hath laid lurking Like a sheepbiter, and in my knowledge hath drawn these gentlewomen to this misfortune: but I'll down to Queen-hive, and the Watermen which were wont to carry you to Lambeth Marsh, shall carry me thither: It may be I may come before them; I think I shall pray more, what for sear of the water, and for my good success then I did this twelvemonth. Somewhat a Like Sir at a blush, nothing a kin Sir, sa ving in height of mind, and that she was a goodly Woman. From London Sir. My reparations hither is to speak with the Gentle woman here that drunk with your worship at the Dutch house of meeting. I would brought some women a bed, in my time Sir. I'll commit your worship. I am no Mackrell, and isle keep no Circles. Bawd! I defy thee and thy Iigges whats ever thou art: were I in place where, Idem make thee prove thy words. I am none of your Megges, do not nickname me so: I will not be nicked. No Sir, I scorn to be beholding to any Glowworm that lives upon Earth for my fur: I can keep my self warm without Glowworms. Would you should well know it, I am no singing Woe man. My Egg hurts not you, what do you mean to fl rish so. How can I sing with such a sour face—I am haunted with a caugh and cannot sing. Alas Sir, I'm and old woman, and know not how to clutch and instrument. I shall never rub it in tune. If I must needs play the Fool in my old days, let me have the biggest instrument, because I can hold that best: I shall cough Like a broken winded horse, if I gape once to sing once. No Sir, though Ime old, and wormeaten Ime not so rotten— Will your worship be rid of me now. Yes forsooth I'll do your errand. No indeed forsooth, I locked them up, & those are they your wife has, and those are they your husband (Like a bade liver as he is) would have given to a of mine, (that lies in my house to take physic) to have committed sleshly treason with her. You perdy, and that honest batchiler, never call me old for the matter. las, I speak Innocently and that lean gentleman set in his staff there: But as Ime a sinner, both I and the young woman had and eye to the main chance, & though they brought more a bout them than captain Candishis voyage came to, they should not, nor could not (unless I had been a naughty woman) have entered the straits. Why Sir. what is my coat that you fit thus upon my Scirts. I scorn the Sinfulness of any suburbs in Christendom 'tis well known I have vp-rizers and down-liars within the City, night by night, Like a profane fellow as thou art. Thou dost the Laws nose wrong to belly me so. No you cannot hem me out of London; had I known this your rings should would been poxt er—I would would touched them: I will take a pair of Oars, and leave you. Taylor, you talk Like and ass, I tell thee there is equality enough between a Lady and a City dame, if their hair be but of a continued lour: name you any one thing that your citizens with e coms sho to of to your Lady. They have as pure Linen, as choice painting, lou green Greese in spring, Mallard and Teale in the fallen, and Woodcock in winter. Your Citizens wife learns nothing but fopperies of your Lady, but your Lady or Iustice-a-peace Ma dam, carries high wit from the City, namely, to receive all and pay all: to awe their Husbands, to check their Husbands, to con troule their husbands; nay, they have the trick ont to be sick for a new gown, or a Carcanet, or a Diamond, or so: and I wist this is better wit, then to l ar e how to wear a Scotch Farthingale: nay more. Here comes one of the servants: you remember Taylor that I am deaf: observe that. Come, I am come to you about the old suit: my good Lord and master hath sent you a velvet gown h are: do you Like the colour? three p le, a pretty fantastical trimming, I would God you would say it by my troth. I dreamed last night, you looked so prettily, so sweetly, me thought so Like the wisest Lady of them all, in a velvet gown. O? I thought I should fetch you: you can Would at that: I'll make you Hem anon. As I'm a sinner I think yowl find the swee test, sweetest bedfellow of her. O! she looks so sugredly, so sim pringly, so gingerly, so amarously, so amiably. Such a red lip, such a White forehead, such a black eye, such a full cheek, and such a goodly little nose, now she's in that French gown, Scotch falls, Scotch bum, and Italian head-tire you sent her, and is such and enticing shee-witch, carrying the charms of your Jewels about her. Oh ! Into that closet then? What another mufler? Come change your voice, and muffle you. So you will let me go into the parties, I will saw, & make a noise. If you doot to night, it would better please her then to mor row.