BELLAMONT

Sir it is the health of Travellers, to enjoy good company: will you uva ke. I think it would: yours would make Gentlemen as fat as fools: I would give two pieces of Plate, to have you stand by me, when I were to write a jealous men partly: Jealous men are either knaves or Coxcombs, be you neither: you wear yel low hose without cause. Stay, look you Sir, as he that lives upon Sal lades without Mutton, feeds Like and Ox, (for he eats grass you know) yet rizes as hungry as and Ass, and as he that makes a dinner of leeks will have lean cheeks, so, thou foolish Londoner, if nothing but raw mutton can diet thee, look to live Like a fool and a slave, and to die Like a beggar and a knave, come Master Maiberie, farewell boy. You have been in much trouble since that voyage. If she enter here, the house will be infected: the plague is not half so dangerous, as a Shee-hornet: Philip this is your shuffling a the cards, to turn up her for the bot tom card at Beware. I el you Gentlemen I have observed very much with be king at sturbridge; it hath afforded me mirth beyond the length of five Latin Comedies; here should you meet a Norfolk yeo man ful-but; with his head able to overturn you; and his pret ty wife that followed him, ready to excuse the ignorant hard ness of her husbands forehead, in the goose marked number of freshmen; stuck here and there, with a graduate: Like cloves with great heads in a gammon of bacon: here two gentlemen ma king a marriage between their heirs over a woolpack; there a Ministers wife that could speak false lattine very lispingly; here two in one corner of a shop: Londoners selling their wares, & other Gentlemen courting their wives; where they take up petticoats you should find scholars & townsmen's wives crou ding together while their husbands wear in another market busy amongst the Oxen; it Like a camp for in other Cou ̄ tries so many Punks do not follow and army. I could make and excellent description of it in a Comedy: but whither are you travailing Gentlemen? Forth Sir. You shall close it up Like treasure of your own, and your self shall keep the key of it, Most feelingly. Your modesty in this wives commendation; on sir. I'll chide you: go too, I'll chide you soundly. O Master Maybery ! before your Servant to dance a Lancashire Hornpipe: it shows worse to me, then dancing does to a deaf man that sees not the fiddles: Sfoot you talk Like a Player. They are two wicked elders. Now blew-bottle? what fl tter you for Sea-pye? By the Dunkirks. Shall I never see that prodigal come home. For how much lies he? His child's partly shall now be paid, this money shall be his last, & this vexation the last of mine: if you had such a son mai ster Maiberie. Release him, and release me of much sorrow, I will buy a Son no more: go redeem him. Enter Prentice and Maiberies wife. I will not have you handle her too roughly. Hear her answer for her self. Nay, nay, hear all. Guiltless upon my soul. I'll join with you: lets walk: o! heres my Son. Welcome a shore Sir: from whence come you pray. Art not, thou ashamed to be seen come out of a pri son. I am told sir, that you spend your credit and your coin upon a light woman. And that you have laid thirty or forty pounds upon her back in taffaty gowns, and silk petticoats. Leave her company, or leave me, for she's a woman of and ill name. What is she? what wilt thou do with her? Dost mean to marry her? of what birth is she? what are her comings in, what does she live upon? You can. You see what a sweet face in a Velvet cap can do, your cit tize ̄ S wives are Like Partridges, the hens are better the ̄ the cocks. 'Tis not in fashion deer Lady to call the breaking out of a Gentlewoman's lips, scabs, but the heat of the Liver. Foul madam is the most light, delicate, & witty feeding. In welch madam? Because you will have them servants worser in with your cheese Lady. Fore-god a very strange device and a cunning one. You should be a kin to the Bellamonts, you give the same Arms madam. Would, the same weight: the same fashion: I had three nest of them given me, by a Nobleman at the christing of my son Philip. Would, thou wilt not kill me. Whats she? a good common wealths woman, she was born. Heart of virtue? what make I here? I think thou art a most admirable, brave, beautiful Whore. Sup with thee that art a common undertaker? thou that dost promise nothing but watchet eyes, bombast calves and false peryvvigs. Oh thy unlucky star! I must take my leave of your wor ship I cannot fit your device at this instant: I must desire to borrow a nest of goblets of you: Oh villainy! I would some honest Butcher would beg all the queans and knaves ith City and carry them into some other Country they fell better than Beefs and Calves: what a virtuous City would this be then! marry I think there would be a few people left int, uds foot, gulled with Cheese-trenchers and yoked in entertainment with a Taylor? good, good. Exit. Sirrah, I'll speak with none. No though a Sharer ball, I'll speak with none although it be the mouth Of the big company, I'll speak with none,—away. Why should not I be and excellent sta esman? I can in the wry ting of a tragedy, make Caesar speak be ter than ever his am bition could: when I write of Pompey I have Pomp ies soul within me, and when I pe sona e a worthy Poet, I a then truly my self, a Po e unpreferred scholar. Enter him and his clothes: cl the sometime are bet ter Gentlemen than their Masters. Ent. the Captain & the Sir. is this he? Seek you me sir. So sir it may be you seek me, for Ime sometime out a my wits. Ime haunted with a Fury Sir. Are you a lover sir of the nine Muses. You're welcome you're very welcome, I'll borrow your Judgement look you sir, Ime writing a Tragedy, the Tragedy of young Astianax. Oh no sir, you mistake, he was a Troyan great Hector's Son. This was not he assure ye: look you sir, I will have this Tragedy presented in the French Court, by French Gallants. It shall be sir at the marriages of the Duke of Orleans, and Chatilion the admiral of France, the stage. O I, I, I man, he's the only courtier that I know there: but what do you think that I may come to by this. You shall hear: suspicion is the Minion of g eat hearts, no: I will not begin there: Imagine a great man were oh be ex ecuted about the 7. hour in a gloomy morning. Right sir, thus I express it in young Astianax. Now the wild people greedy of their griefs, Longing to see, that which their thoughts abhorred, Prevented day, and rod on their own roofs. Oh sir, 'tis a figure in Poetry, mark how 'tis followed, Rod on their own roofs, Making all Neighbouring houses tilde with men; tilde with men is't not good. You shall hear no more; pick your ears, they are fowl sir, what are you sir pray? Mars, Bacchus, and I love Apollo ! a Captain! then I par done your sir, and Captain what would you press me for? And Acrostic were good upon her name me thinks. The very consumption that wasts my Son, and the Aim that hung lately upon me: do you love this Mistress Dorothy ? Is she? ifayth Captain, be valiant and tell truth, is she honest? Look you Captain, I'll show you why I ask, I hope you think my wenching days are passed, yet Sir, here's a letter that her father, brought me from her and enforced me to take this very day. Enter a Servant and Whispers. This falls out pat, my man tells me, the party is at my door, shall she come in Captain? The letter says here, that she's exceeding sick, and in treats me to visit her: Captain, lie you in ambush behind the hangings, and perhaps you shall hear the piece of a Comme die: she comes, she comes, make your self away. And I came once at your Ladyships call. Why M deam ! what spirit! would I were a young man for thy sake. If I were a younker, it would be no Imodesty in me to be seen in thy company; but to have snow in the lap of June; vile! vile: yet come; garlic has a white head, and a green stalk, then why should not I? lets be merry: what says the devil to all the world, for Ime sure thou art carnally possessed with him. A filthy shoe, but a fine foot, I stand not upon my foot I. Very good, you draw me and quarter me, fates keep me from hanging. She loves you Captain honestly. My doors are open for thee, be gone: woman! Away: I love no such implements in my house. Is this my Poetical fury? how now sir! What are they doing sir? Enter they: this house will be to hight for me, if this wench cast me into these sweats, I must shift my self, for pure nieces sity, haunted with sprites in my old days! Nay I will write vpon't ift be a Comedy, for I have been at a most villainous female Tragedy: come, the plot, the plot. Very good: to the plot. Hath she the entertainment of her forefathers? will she keep all comers company? Good; and how took he this drench down. It will be excellent spo to, to see him and his own wife meet in Beware, wilt not? I, I, weel have a whole Regiment of horse with us. Like a Hollander against a Dunk rke. Stay, yonders the Dolphin without Bishopsgate, where our horses are at rack and manger, and we are going passed it: come cross over: and what place is this? Where the madmen are, I never was amongst them, as you love me Gentlemen, lets see what Greeks are within. May we talk with they master Full-moon No thats a lie. But what say you to such young Gentlemen as these are. Yes. Perdonate mi, si Io dimando deal vostro nome: o, whither hrunke you: I have had such a mad dialogue here. I hold my life my comrads have put this fools cap upon thy head: to gull me: I smell it now: why do you hear Full-moon, let me lose; for Ime not mad; Ime not mad by Jesu: Bith Lord I'm aswell in my wits, as any man ith' house, & this is a trick put upon thee by these gallants in pure knavery. Sfoot do you bring your Geese for me to cut up. If you do, I must bear you, thank you Master Green shield, I will not die in your debt: farewell you mad rascals, to horse come, it's well done; 'twas well done, you may laugh, you shall laugh Gentlemen: if the gudgeon had been swallow ed by one of you it had been vile, but by Gad it's nothing, for your best Poets indeed are mad for the most partly: farewell goodman Full-moon. Are they grown politic? when do you see honesty covet corners, or a gentlema ̄ thats no thie e lie in the Inn of a carrier. She was a pri ty piec of a Poet indeed, & in her discourse would as many of your Gold-smit S wives do, worser awe her mily from precious stones, so wittily, as redder then your Ruby, har der then your Diamond, and so from stone to stone, in l sse time then a man can draw on a straight boot, as if she had been and excellent Lapidary. Go thy ways, I know a Nobleman would take such a de light in thee. Before God but he would make a difference, he would keep you in Satin, but as I was a saying weel have him merry: his wife is gone to Puckridge, 'tis a wench makes him melam ̄ choly, 'tis a wench must make him merry: we must help him to a wench. when your citizen comes into his Inn, wet & cold, dropping, e her the hostis or one of her maids, warms his bed, puls on his nightcap, cuts his corns puts out the candle, bids him continued ̄ manned ought, if he want ought: and so after master cittiner sleeps as quietly, as if he lay in his own low-country of Holland, his own linen I mean sir, we must have a wench for him. At the next Inn there lodged to night— Procure some Chamberlain to Pander for you. About it look you sir, though she bear her far aloof, and her body out of distance, so her mind be continued ̄ ming it's no matter. Go thy ways, there be more in England wear large ears and horns, then Stags and Asses: excellent he rides post with a halter about his neck. Beyond expectation: I have persuaded him the only way to make you merry, is to help you to a wench, and the fool is gone to pander his own wife hither. She hath been masked ever since she came into the Inn, for fear of discovery. For that his own unfortunate wit helped my lazy inuen cion, for he hath disguised himself Like a Fawkner, in Town hear, hoping in that procuring shape, to do more good upon her, then in the outside of a Gentleman. He's gone into the town, and will not return this half hour. Nay upon my life sheele come: when she enters remem ber some of your young blood, talk as some of your gallant commoners will, Dice and drink: freely: do not call for Sack, least it betray the coldness of your manhood, but fetch a Can per now & then, to make the gold chink in your pockets: I so. She's perfect, & will come out upon ̄ her Queen, I warrant you. Gods precious, do not call for Sack by any means. Lady you are welcome: you is the old Gentleman and observe him, he's not one of your fat City chuffs: whose great belly argues that the felicity of his life consists in capon, sack, and sincere honesty, but a lean spare bountiful gallant one that hath and old wife, and a young performance: whose reward is not the rate of a Captain newly come out of the Low-cou ̄ to ies: or a Yorkeshiere Attorney in good contentious practice, some angel, no the proportion of your wealthy Citizen to his wench, is, her Chamber, her diet, her physic, her apparel, her painting, her monkey, her pandar, her every thing. Yowl say your young Gentleman, is your only service that lies before you Like a Calves head, with his brains some half yard from him, but I assure you, they must not only have variety of foolery; but also of wenches: whereas your conscionable graybeard of Farring tun within, will keep himself, to the ruins of one cast weigh ting-woman and age: & perhaps, when he's passed all other good works, to wipe out false weights, and twenty ith hundred, marry her— You have, if the knave thy husband be rich, make him poor, that he may borrow money of this Merchant, and be laid up in the Counter, or Ludgate, so it shall be conscience in you old Gentleman, when he hath seized all thy goods, to take the horn and maintain thee. No more then at my Lords entreaty, to help my Lady to a pretty weighting woman: if he had given you a gelding, or the reversion of some Monopoly, or a new suit of Satin to have done this, happily your Satin would have smelled of the Pander: but what's done freely, comes Like a present to and old Lady, without any reward, and what is done without any reward, comes Like wounds to a Soldier, very honourably not-with standing. Passion of my heart, Mistress Maybery. Exeunt Fiddlers. Lady, I will not as the old gods were wont, swear by the infernal tix : but by all the mingled wine in the seller be neath, and the smoke of Tobacco that hath fumed over the ves sails, I did not procure your husband this banqueting dish of suckket look you behold the parenthesis. Your husband gentlewoman: why he never was a soldier Nay look you sir, she must sing because weel be merry, what though you rod not five mile forward, you have fou ̄ worser that fatal house at Brainford Northward, Oh hone ho no nam ne ro. It a pretty wit of you sir, to have had him rod into Puckeridge with a horn before him; would: wast not; Or where a Citizen keeps his house, you know 'tis not as a Gentleman keeps his Chamher for debt, but as you said even now very wisely, least his horns should usher him. This is his ordinary fit & in this she is Like a London or dinary: her best getting comes by the box. Beware peaching. Sir you are and honest man, I have known and arrant thief for peaching made and officer, give me your hand Sir. And no disparagement; for a woman to have a high for head: a quick ear, a full eye, a wide nostrell, a sleek skin, a straight back, a round hip, and so forth is most comely. No Lady. Certainly, I am put down at my own weapon; I there before recant the riflying? no there is a new trade come up for cast Gentlewemen, of peeriwip making: let your wife set up ith Strand, and yet I doubt, whither she may or no, for they say, the wome ̄ have God it to be a corporatio ̄ ; if you can you may make good use of it, for you shall have as good a coming in by hair (though it be but a falling commodity) & by other foolish tiring, as any between Saint Clements and Charing. Excellent wench. I would Beware might choke they both, Master Maybery, my horse and I will take our leaves of you? I'll to Bedlam again rather than stay her. For a sprite a the buttery, that shall make us all drink with mirth if I can raze it: stay, the chicken is not fully hatched, hit I beseech thee: So; come! will you be secret Gentlemen and assisting. What will you say, if by some trick we put this little Hor net into Fetherstones bosom, and marry they together. Most possible, I'll to my trencher-woman, let me alone for dealing with her: Fetherstone Gentlemen shall be your patient. He sends me (being and old friend) to undermine for him: I'll so whet the wenches stomach, and make her so hungry, that she shall have and appetite to him, fear it not; Greenesheild shall have a hand in it too, and to be revenged of his partner, will I know strike with any weapon. Gentlemen yowl stick to the devise, & look to your plot? I march, I will cast my rider gallants: I hope you see who shall pay for our voyage. Exit. Fie what and idle quarrel is this, was this her ring? Troth it's of no great value, and considering the lose, and finding of this ring made breach into your friendship, Gen tlemen, with this trifle purchase his love, I can tell you he keeps a good Table. How now man? How, how? Why look you, what a distraction are you fallen into? Oh madness! that the frailty of a woman should make a wise man thus idle! yet I protest to my understanding, this re port seems as far from truth, as you from patience. Indeed that breeds some suspicion: for the rest most grose and open, for two men, both to love your wife, both to in joy her bed, and to meet you as if by miracle, and not know king you, upon no occasion in the world, to thrust upon you a discourse of a quarrel, with circumstance so dishonest, that not any Gentleman but of the country blushing, would have pub lisht. I and to name you: do you know them? Like enough; pray God they do not borrow money of betwixt Beware and London : come strive to blow over these lowdes. As Jet, they will take up I warrant you, where they may be trusted; will you be merry? Oh fie sir, fie, the boy he doe's not look Like a Bawd, he has no double chin. One of your Ants are you mad? And without wit. Your wives ring may deceive you. Endure them, you are a fool: make it your case, as it may be many women's of the Freedom; that you had a friend in private, whom your husband should lay to his bosom: and he in requital should lay his wife to his bosom: what treads of the toe, salutations by winks, discourse by bitings of the lip, amorous glances, sweet stolen kisses when your husbands backs turn worser, would pass between them, bear your self to Greeneshield as if you did love h m for affecting you so entirely, not taking any notice of his journey: theile put more tricks up on you: you told me Greeneshield means to bring his Sister to your house, to have her board here. Right sir, it's a small spark, gives fire to a beautiful woe men discredit. Gods precious why does she leave them? Exit. Were the cloth of gold Cushions set forth at your en tertainement? I, I warrant you, and ask you if you would have such a great sin lie upon your conscience, as to lie with another men wife. And tell you there were maids enough in london, if a man were so viciously given, whose Portions would help them to hu sbands though gentlemen gave the first onset. And yet clipe you with as voluntary a bosom; as if she had fallen in love with you at some Inns a court revels; and invi ed you by letter to her lodging. Any thing sweet Mistress Mayberrie. As I respect your acquaintance I shall do it. No upon my life is she not, Fie fie, he does that Like a usurer, that will vfe a man with all kindness, that he may be careless of paying his money, upon his day, and afterwards take the extremity of the forfa ture; your jealousy is Idle: say this were true, it lies in the bo some of a sweet wife to draw her husband from any lose imperfection, from wenching, from Jealousy, from couituousnes from crabbedness, which is the old men common disease, by her politic yielding. She may do it from crabednes, for example I have known as tough blades as any are in England broke upon a featherbed,—come to dinner, Suspicion works more mischief grows more strong, To sever changed st beds then apparent wrongs. Exit. I come not to teach a Starling sir, God-boy-you. I'll take my leave of your Ladyship. Wrinkles: gravity. Mad for me? why if the worm of lust were wriggling within me as it does in others, dost think Idem crawl upon thee; would I low after thee, that art a common calf-bearer. Strange! through the body? His wife! is Greensheild married? I have herd him swear he was a batchiler. And so the poor Stag is to be hunted in Enfeild chase In Beware ! Stay, stay, whats the bottom of this riddle? why send you her away? What? will these young Gentlemen to help us to catch this fresh Salmon, would! Philip ! are they thy friends. We are beholding to you Gentlemen that yowl fill our consort I ho seen your faces me thinks before; and I cannot inform my self where. Shalls to horse, hears a tickler: heigh: to horse. Gentlemen shall I shoot a fools bolt out among you all, because weel be sure to be merry. For mirth on the high way, will make us rid ground fa ster then if thieves were at our tails, what say ye to this, lets all practice jests one against another, and he that has the best jest thrown upon him, and is most galled, between our riding forth and coming in, shall bear the charge of the whole journey. We shall fit one a you with a Coxcomb at Beware I believe. Not a whit, Beware will stay for our coming I warrant you: come a spurt and away, lets be mad once in our days: this is the door. Enter Full-moon. Pray bestow your name sir upon us. You well deserve this office good master Full-moon : and what madcaps have you in your house, A Musician, how fell he mad for Gods sake? Has he been in Italy then? The dancing Bear: a p itty well-fauourd little woman. What have you in this paper honest friend? What are you a doing my friend. What do you mean by pricking? This fellow is some what prouder, and sul ner then the other. Un poco. Come on. Exeunt. We were up to the ears in Italian i'faith. How now, 'Sdeath what do you mean? are you mad? What wench? will you take mine arms from me, being no Heralds? let go you Dogs. Master Maibery, Philip, master Maibery, uds foot. Yes, yes, when they are mad, horse your selves now if you be men. Oh it will fallen out far better, you shall see my revenge will have a more neat and unexpected conveyance: he hath been all up and down the town, to inquire for a Londoners wife, none such is to be found: for I have mewd your wife up already. marry he he es of a Yorkshire Gentlewoman at next Inn, and thats all the commodity Beware affords at this instant: now sir, he very pollitickly imagins, that your wife is ode to Puckridge, five mile further, for says he in such a town where Hosts will be fa miliar, and Tapsters saucy, & Chamberlains worse then thieves intelligencers, theile never put foot out of Stirrup: either at Puc ridge or Wades-mill (says he) you shall find them: & because our horses are weary, he's gone to take up Post horse: my counsel is only this, when he comes in, aine your self very melancho lie, swear you will ride no far er, and this is your partly of the Comedy: the sequeil of the jest shall come Like money bor rowed of a Courtier, and paid within the day, a thing strange & unexpected. Enter Greeneshield. Vou imagine you are riding from your creditors. Good sooth excellent: I was dull in apprehending it: but come since we must stay: wele be merry, chamberlain call in the music, bid the Tapsters & maids come up and dance, what weel make a night of it, hark you masters, I have and excellent jest to make old Maibery merry, Sfoot weel have him merry. Will you, will you? Excellent. Out vpon't, I shall never do it. Oh you are a wag. Thus: I will close with this country Pedlar mistress Doro thy (that travels up and down to exchange Pins for Cunny-skins) very lovingly, she shall eat of nothing but sweetmeats in my company (good words) whose taste when she likes, as I know she will, then will I play upon her with this Artillery, that a very proper man, and a great heir (naming Fetherstone ) spied her from a window, when she lighted at her Inn, is ex treamly fallen in love with her, vows to make her his wife, if it stand to her good liking, even in Beware ; but being (as most of your young Gentlemen are) somewhat bashful, and ashamed to venture upon a woman. He's not yet horst sure, Philip, go thy ways, give fire to him, and send him hither with a powder presently. Who pays for the Northern voyage now lads? You wrong her upon my soul. Right. And does she love you? has there passed any great matter be tween you? Prettily well dissembled. How say you by that goody Sentence, look you sir; you Gall la ̄ ts visit cittize ̄ S houses, as the Spaniard first sailed to the Indies, you prete ̄ worser buying of wares or selling of la ̄ ds: but the end proves 'tis nothing but for discovery & continued ̄ quest of their wives for better maintenance why look you, was he a beware of those broken pa tience when you met him at Beware, & possessed him of the downfall of his wife: you are a Cockcold you have pa ̄ derd your own wife to this gentleman better men have done it, honest Tom ( ), we have presidents for't, High you to London : what is more Catholic ith City then for husbands daily for to forgive, the nightly sins of their bedfellows: if you Like not that course but to intend to be rid of her: rifle her at a Tavern, where you may swallow down some fifty wisacres sons and heirs to old tenements, and common gardens: Like so many raw yeolkes with Muska dine to bedward. Wherefore come I hither. Not of gods making what is he? a Cuckold? Oh sir no, they are two several marriages. As I was say king the stage hung all with black velvet, and while 'tis acted, my self will stád behind the Duke of Biron, or some other chief mi nion or so, — who shall, I they shall take some occasion about the music of the fourth Act, to step to the French King, and say, Sire, voyla, ill et votre treshumble serviteur, le plum sage, è divine espirit, monsi ur Bellamont, all in French thus pointing at me, or you is the learned old English Gentleman Master Bellamont a very worthy man, to be one of your privy Chamber, or Poet Lawreat. I am now writing the description of his death. He comes. Let the gate of our Inn be locked up, closer than a No ble-mans gates at dinner time. You are merry sir. I am no friend to Garlic Madam.