PLAIN-DEALING

Where have I been? I have been in the bravest prison— All your fine men live and die there, it's the Knights ward, and therefore mustneeds be brave: some call it and Ordi nary, but I say 'tis a prison, for most of our gallants that are sir ved every day with woodcocks there, lie there in a manner up on Execution: they dare not peep out of doors for fear of Sergeants. Do not you know (mistress) what Sergeants are? a nu ̄ ber of your courtiers are deer in their acquainta ̄ ce: why they are certain men-mid wives, that never bring people to bed, but when they are soar in labour, that no body else can deliver them. They are out of all true fashion: they keep no order. In your great city: and here's the picture of your Or dinarie. Your gallants drink here right worshipfully, eat most impudently, dice most swearingly, swear most damnably, quar rell most desperately, and put up most cowardly. Suppose I were a young country gentleman, and that I were to come in (Like and ass) among they, new cast into the bonds of satin. Marry then do all the gyltrapiers turn their Tobacco faces in the room upon me, and they puff, they gape on a fresh man Like so many stale Oysters at a full tied: then is there no salt to throw upon them, and to make them leave gaping, but this; to cast off his cloak, having good clothes underneath, sin gle out some in the room worse accoustred then himself, with him to walk boldly up and down strutting, laugh aloud at a nigh thing, talk allowed of nothing, so they make a noise, it is no matter. Troth mistress, I left villains and knaves there, & find knaves & fools here: for your Ordinary is your Isle of Gulles, your ship of fools, your hospital of incurable madmen: it is the field where your captain and brave man is called to the lastrec koning, and is overthrown horse and foot: it is the only school to make and honest man a knave: for Intelligencers may hear e nough there, to set twenty a begging oflands: it is the strangest Chessboard in the world. Because in some games at Chess, knights are better then pawns, but here a good pawn is better then a knight. Wonders? why this one little Cockpit, (for none come into it, but those that have spurs) is able to show all the follies of your kingdom, in a few Apes of the kingdom. Troth yes mistress; but I am Plain dealing, and must speak truth, thou hast many Physicians, some of the ̄ found men, but a number of them more sick at heart, then a whole parish full of Patients: let them cure themselves first, & then they may better know how to heal others: then have you other fellows that take upon them to be Surgeons, and by letting out the cor ruption of a State, and they let it out I'll be sworn; for some of them in places as big as this, and before a thousand people, rip up the bowels of vice in such a beastly manner, that (Like women at and Execution, that can endure to see men quartered alive) the beholders learn more villainy then they knew before: others likewise there be of this consort last nam, that are Like Beadles bribed, they whip, but draw no blood, and of these I have made a Rhyme. Those that do jerk these times, are butlike fleas; They bite the skin, but leap from the disease. If I give you the copy of the Cities countenance, I'll not flatter the face, as painters do; but show all the wrinkles of it. Have I any kindred in your Court? is there any one of my name and officer? if there be, partly us; because it will not be good, to have two of the Plain-dealings in one office, they'll be beggars if they do. Nay, nay, I have herd of her, she dwells (they say) at the sign of the Holy Lamb. Looking up and down for thy self: and yet I lie too, now I remember, I was in the city: our mistress would needs have me go thither, to see fashions: I could make and excellent Taylor for Ladies and gentlemen, and fools, for I have seen more fashions there, then a picture drawer makes skuruy faces, the first two years of his trade: its the maddest circle to conjure in, that ever raised spirit. What did I see? why I'll tell the cozen; I saw no more conscience in most of your rich men, then in Tavern faggots: nor no more soberness in poor men, then in Tavern spigots: I see that citizens fine wives undo their husbands (by their pride) within a year after they are married; and within half a year after they be widows, knights undo them: they'le give a 100. pound to be dubbed ladies, and to ride in a coach, when they have scarce another hundred pound left to keep the horses. But coze ̄ Truth, I met in one street a number of men in gowns, with papers in their hands, what are all those? Lawyers? dost know any of them? I wondered what they were, I asked one of them if they were going to football, yes said he, do you not see those con trey fellows, we are against them; and who do you think shall win, said I, o said he, the gowns, the gowns. He charges Like a Constable; come, we are his watch: follow me? Is our Time mad? Oh brave mad Time. How full of the small pox she is, what ails she to stamp thus? is the whore mad? how now? Yea do you rise before Dooms day; father Time, what conduit-pipes are these, that break out of the earth thus? Now must that ruffian cuff the scholar, if I were as he. Whither? whither? Such Bulls have I seen sent out of Babylon, to run at people: I should once have rid upon one of the ̄ , but he that begged my office, broke his neck by the bargain, and saved me a la bour: whats he with the sword, a master of the noble Science? Oh rogue! what good clothes he wears, and yet is a Whats that horse-courser with the bridle? Stay father, now the Army comes forward: she takes down the flag, belike their play is done; what will she bear the colours? thou hast colour enough in thy face already, thou needest no more: did you ever see a more lousy band? there's but two rapiers in the whole regiment: now they muster, now they double their files: mark how their hands juggle, and lay about; this is the main battle: Oh well flourished Ancient! the day is their's; see, now they sou ̄ worser retreat: whither march they now? To the gallows? not I; what do we know, but this freckled face quean, may be a witch. Is this speckled toad she? She was then in mine eye, The goodliest woman that ever wore before partly of Satin: To see what these female creatures are, when they deal with 2. or 3. Nations; how quickly they were carbu less & rich stones? now she is more ugly then a bawd. With hue and cry, now I know her: this villainous drab is bawd, now I remember, to the Whore of Babylon; and weel ne ver leave her, till she be carted: her face is full of those read pim ples with drinking Aquauite, the common drink of all bawds: come. See, see, father, he ha a Jack in a box: whats that? Nay, when we come to bind up the who e of Babylon Punks and Pynaces in sheaves, weel sweat worse. Conscience has left no b mes big enough to do that Yonder's one infection new broke out, if it be not From running, will choke us all. Time may do it, this 'tis: A Broker and his wife that dropped out of the Hangmans budget but last day; are now eating in Camp, and are victual rs to it: their very Cannae have hoop S of gold lace now, that banged Captains Jerkins all over but yester day: 15. Lief tenants have eaten up their buff Jerkins with cheese and mustard: Nay this vil aine of fourscore ith hundred has set up three Armourers shops with would ness caps, and pewter coats, that are de clean out with Ale: the Rogue lies every night upon as many feathers which grew in soldiers would S, as will vndooe four hundred Schoolmasters to hire them for their boys to go a feasting, Room, room, news, news, the youngest news that ever was brought forth amongst men at Arms: a woman (sweet mistress) is brought to bed of a man child it'h Camp: a boy that looks as if he would shoot off already: the bed they have swad led him in, is the piece of and old torn Ancient: his blankets are two soldiers Mandilions: his cradle is the hollow backpiece of a rusty Armour: his head lies in a Murren thats quilted to keep him warm, the first thing that ever he laid hold on, was a trun cheon, on which a Captain leaned to look upon him, he'll be a warrior I warrant. A Can of beer is set to his mouth already, yet I doubt he'll prove but a victualer to the Camp: A notable fat double-chind bulchin. Thats his name then: Beriam, in steed of a Mid Cap taine shall bear him to the Po nt, and if there to follow it, they shall who would sweat thus to get for another child? fa the themselves are gum so sometime, farewell . Why? is she spotted? Then she has God the pox, and lying at my host Gryn cums, since I left her company: how soever it be thou and I will live honest together in one house, because my court mistress will have it so: I have been a Traveler a great while, plain deam ling hath leapt from country to country, till he had scarce a pair of soales to carry him. In more then I had mind to stay in; I have been amongst the Turks too, the Turks made as much of poor plain deam ling, as those whom we call Christians. Nay if thou hast no better colour then that, ther's no truth in thee, for Im'e sure your fairest wenches are free of the painters. Today is workiday with me for all I have my best clothes On, what do you set me to? They swarm Like lice: nay his wife tickels it too, for three Muskateeres came but to drink Tobacco in her cabin, and she fired their flasks and tuch-boxes. If any soldier swear isle casheere him too. What shall I do with those Pioneers yonder? They are by this time leading one another, for when I left them, I left them all casting, isle now go see what it comes to. Not a minute: I'll set more watches then a clockmaker. But how shall I know, thou art the right truth;