DICACHE

Celestine and Sir Walter Terrill are married. At the wedding dinner, the King becomes enamoured of Celestine and induces the bridegroom to swear to give up his first night of sex with her: he must deliver her to court that evening, still a virgin. Her father, Sir Quintilian, devises a scheme to save both her honour and Sir Walter’s: he gives her a cup of poison, and she drinks it. She keeps her marriage vows, and Sir Walter delivers her body to the King as part of a masque. The King is abashed to discover that she is a chaste, faithful wife. Then she wakes up: it was only a sleeping draught, and Sir Quintilian has proved both the bride’s constancy and the bridegroom’s love. In the sub-plot, Sir Quintilian and two other knights all become interested in marrying the widow Mistress Miniver, and each independently bribes Tucca to advance his suit. Miniver seems most interested in the bald Sir Adam, so Sir Vaughan engages Horace to write a satire against baldness. He invites the ladies, including Miniver, to a banquet of plums, and there Horace recites his poem on the glories of hair. The poem has the desired effect on Miniver; but Sir Adam hires Horace’s rival, Crispinus, to write a defence of baldness. It all comes to naught, however, for Tucca ends up marrying Miniver himself. In the third plot, Horace’s bitter epigrams against Tucca get into circulation among the gallants. Tucca swears vengeance, and stabs Horace, but with an edgeless sword; Horace’s response is shown to derive from fear rather than physical pain. Horace is accused of giving up a useful trade, bricklaying, and of unlawfully arraigning his rivals on the stage. He is brought to court dressed as a satyr, and the King appoints Crispinus to judge him. Crowned with a nettle wreath, Horace is exposed as an impostor (the real Horace was a better poet), and is made to forswear his inclination to arrogance and personal satire.