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Full speech
Sir, I do not love to double with a woma ̄ if my friend, much less with you my most upright & straight Connt, my young Lord (as I told you) is turned absolute prodigal. Marry thus prodigal, to frequent ordinam rises is his ordinary practice, rubs out whole weeks together in bowling. Allies, bandies away his pocket full of French-crowns in a morning, and counts it a pretty sport to procure heat. Think as you will sir, there's not a trick used in the town that deserves damnation, but he desires to deal in't, 'tis pity a was not made a trades man, he loves to follow his occupation a life, & that which makes him doubt most, he is in love with the Indian punk Tobacco. No herb a grace I hope sir. I think none a the name lout's it, I have herd old Adam was and honest man, and a good Gardener loved Lettice well, Salads and Cab bage reasonable well, yet no Tobacco: Again, A dam Bell a substantial outlaw, & passing a good Ar cher, yet no Tobaconist. Further, Diogenes, whose proper name might be Adam for ought I know, loved Carretts well, Leek porridge passing well, yet no Tobacco: to conclude, my great Grand father's Grandfathersfather, and my self all Guard ners, yet could not abide this Chimney-sweeper To cause, bacco. They were plain indeed, and thereof grew the prover be, plain dealing is a Jewel. That addition was made by some Lawyer or Poet, to avoid which, they cannot endure plaine-dea ling should have a hand in any of their actions. So will a spur-galled Jade sir, but to all these miss demeanours, a maintains a private punk, one Tris tella that he had in way of reversion from Julio, a twindger, a mere Horsleach, one that will suck out the brains of his treasury, and make a mere skin of his wealth, I, out of my Love reprehended his error, and he in a fury kicked me out of doors, and dischar ged me of his service. With Autumn in his bosom, pray God she shake not down his leaves, and leave him to make the Duke his father a bald reckoning. Then he should be a good Trencherman by his profession. I knew one of that faculty in one term eat up a hold Town, Church, Steeple and all. No sir, he sold them to buy his wife a Taffety Gown, and himself a velvet Jacket. A says true, for if you should jest too much with a young man, it might prove earnest, & so the fruits of your jests make you both a shamed on't. Sir you may have a Calves head. No, but if your Lord-shipe will have a dish of Woodcocks. Then unless you will have a Dotrell or a Gull. I mean a Seagull bakt. I will sir, your honour can have no Larks I'll as sure you. Two Citizens sons and a Poet bought up all ith town, flung away the bodies only to have a pie made of the brains. 'Tis done 'Tis done sir. O my Lord, 'twill never pass ith the Lower house, they will not lose their liberty of kissing. 'Tis done. Marry my good Lord, this is the green burr, that stuck so close to the young Princes sleeve, the shoemakers cutting knife, that fitted his boots to the prodigals last. Wrapped in a woman's smock? Revenge it Duke, be a true Justicer. Knit up two villains in one riding knot.
Plot summary
Plot — Law Tricks
Prince Polymetes arrives home with news that his sister Emilia has disappeared after an attack by the Turks on her temple; grieving at the news, Duke Ferneze goes to seek her, leaving Polymetes as his deputy. Meanwhile Emilia has escaped from the galleys by feigning lunacy, and now arrives in Genoa. She adopts an alias in order to test her brother, whom she has never met. His interest in her is not very brotherly: he loses his bookish tendencies and grows prodigal, spending public money on her. He arranges for her to lodge with his uncle, Count Lurdo, in order to facilitate access. Lurdo, who has just divorced his wife, the Countess, for alleged unchastity, tries to seduce Emilia with a view to getting his hands on the money Polymetes is spending on her. Meanwhile, Horatio fails in his efforts to seduce Lurdo’s ex-wife, the Countess, and takes her steadfastness in chastity badly. ===== PAGE 127 ===== 1604 He and Lurdo plot to get rid of her by poison, administered by Horatio. Ferneze returns in disguise with news of his own _death, and Polymetes makes plans to squander his inheritance. Then Ferneze returns in his own person, and Polymetes has to reassume his original studious persona. The Countess is buried, and the penitent Horatio visits her tomb; his page, who swapped the poison for a sleeping potion, is also there to take charge of her when she wakes, and scares Horatio by pretending to be her ghost. Polymetes pretends that his dissolute behaviour was just an act to test Lurdo, and tries to win his father’s favour by using magic to bring back Emilia; in fact it is a ruse with the cross-dressed Joculo, which. deceives Ferneze until the real Emilia exposes it by close questioning. Polymetes then conjures up the supposed ghost of the Countess, who accuses Horatio of her murder. The plot comes out and Horatio and Lurdo are sentenced to be buried alive, until it becomes clear that the Countess is alive and wants her husband back. Horatio is banished from the court and Joculo praised for turning tragedy into comedy.