STAINES

There is a devil has haunted me these three years, in likeness of and Usurer, a fellow that in all his life never at three groat loaves out of his own purse, nor never warmed him but at other men's fires, never saw a joint of mutton in his own house these four and twenty years, but always coso ned the poor prisoners, for he always bought his victuals out of the almsbasket, and yet this rogue now feeds upon capons which my tenants sent him out of the Country; he is Landlord forsooth over all my possessions: well, I am spent, and this rogue has consumed me; I dare not walk abroad to see my friends, for fear the Sergeants should take acquain tance of me: my refuge is Ireland, or Virginia ; necessity cries out, and I will presently to Westchester. Enter Bubble. How now! Bubble hast thou packed up all thy things? our par ting time is come: nay pre thee do not weep. Thou hast been a faithful servant to me, go to thy uncle, he'll give thee entertainment, tell him upon the sto nigh rock of his merciless heart my Fortune's suffer shipwreck. Which thou hast cause to wish for, thou art his heir, my affectionate Bubble. Because my Fortune's are desperate, thine are hope full. Why to Sea. Why as other Gallants do that are spent, turn pyrate. Certainly, this news is true: for see another, by this light his Scrivener! now M. Blank, whither away so fast? Why look you sir, do you not see him? Your nose sir must endure it: for it is in partly the fa shion. I would the news were true; see how my little Bubble is blown up with't! As thou lovest thy profit, hold thy tongue, thou and I will confer. Will it please your worship to accept of my poor sir vice, you know my case is desperate, I beseech you that I may feed upon your bred, though it be of the brownest, and drink of your drink though it be of the smallest, for I am humble in body, and dejected in mind, and will do your worship as good sir vice for forty shillings a year, as another shall for 3. pounds. Yes if it please your worship. Drawer, bid them make haste at home, Tell them they are coming from church. That I should live to be a servingman, a fellow which scalds his mouth with another men porridge, brings up meat for other men's bellies, and carries away the bones for his own, changes his clean trenchor for a fowl one, and is glad of it, and yet did I never live so merry a life, when I was my Master's master, as now I do, being man to my man, and I will stand too't for all my former speeches, a servingman lives a better life then his Master, and thus I prove it; the saying is, The nearer the bone the sweeter the flesh: then must the servingman needs eat the sweeter flesh, for he always picks the bones. And again the Proverb says, The deeper the sweeter: There has the servingman the vantage again, for he drinks still in the bottom of the pot, he fills his belly, and never asks what's to pay? wears broadcloth, and yet dares walk Uva ing-stre to, without any fear of his Drap r: and for his c lour , they are according to the season, in the Summer he is appareled (for the most partly) Like the heavens, in blue, in the winter, Like the earth, in freeze. But see, I am preu nted in my Encomium, I could have maintained this theme these two hours. I shall sir, please you sir Lyonell. Oh very graceful sir, your most accomplished Gentle men are known by it. I shall fit you sir. Why now you're ith right sir, if you will be a true Gall lant, you must bear things resolute, as this sir, if you be at and Ordinary, and chance to lose your money at play, you must not fret and fume, tear cards, and fling away dice, as your ignorant gamester, or country-Gentleman does, but you must put on a calm temperate Actium, with a kind of careless smile, in contempt of Fortune, as not being able with all her engines to batter down one piece of your estate, that your means may be thought invincible, never tell your money, nor what you have won, nor what you have lost: if a question be made: your answer must be, what I have lost, I have lost, what I have won, I have won, a close heart and free hand, makes a man admired, a testern or a shilling to a servant that brings you a glass of beer, binds his hands to his lips, you shall have more service of him, then his Master, he will be more humble to you, then a Cheater before a Magistrate. Hercules himself sir, had never a better gate. What a fortune had I thrown upon me, when I pre ferred my self into this fellows service! indeed I serve my self, and not him, for this Gold here is mine own truly purchased: he has credit, and shall run ith books for't, I'll carry things so cunningly, that he shall not be able to look in to my actions, my mortgage I have already God into my hands: the rend he shall enjoy a while, till his riot constrain him to fell it, which I will purchase with his own money, I must cheat a little, I have been cheated upon, therefore I hope the world will a little the better excuse me, what his uncle craftily God from me, I will knavishly recover of him, to come by it, I must vary shapes, and my first shift shall be in satin: Proteus propitious be to my disguise, And I shall prosper in my enterprise. Exit. Sirrah, what a clock i'st? Here will not be a Gallant seen this hour. Hast any Tobacco? Fill. I tell you true sir, I was so far gone, that desperati on knocked at mine elbow, and whispered news to me out of Barbary. False dice say Amen, for that's my induction, I do mean to cheat to day without respect of persons: When sawest thou Will Rash? Why then do thou give him my name and character, for my aim is wholly at my worshipful Master. He'll be and excellent coach-horse for my captain. Th'ast lighted me into his heart, I see him thoroughly. Inclining to eleven sir. Why Gleek, that's your only game. Honour. The King, what say you? Fourteen. Sixteen. You shall have't for me. I vie it. Give me a mournauall of ances, and a gleek of Queen's. Pray, play sir: This is the first game. Save you sir. Come Gentlemen, here's dice. Nine; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8: eighteen shillings. Cry you mercy sir, I am chanced with you all Gentle men: here I have 7, here 7, and here 10. Two fives at all. Draws all. I am but your steward Gentlemen, for after dinner I may restore it again. Yes sir, I'll follow you. Ten if you please. Not I sir. Sirrah, by your outside you seem a citizen, Whose Coxcomb, I were apt enough to break, But for the Law; go you are a prating Jack, Nor 'ist your Hope's, of crying out for clubs, Can save you from my chastisement, if once You shall but dare to utter this again. Lie! nay villain, now thou tempest me to thy death. Darest thou resist, thou art no Citizen. Say thou art a Gentleman, and I am satisfied, For then I know thou'lt answer me in field. I accept it, the meeting place. What weapon? The time. The hour. 'Tis good, I shall expect you, farewell. Ex. omnes. This be the place then, and prepare you sir, You shall have fair play for your life of me, For look sir, I'll be open breasted to you. Give me thy hand, by my heart I love thee, Thou art the highest spirited Citizen, That ever Guildhall took notice of. Come on sir. They fight. Why then take it, for I'll not beg it of thee. Sir, I accept this gift of you, but not your friendship, Until I shall recouer't with my honour. Yes. Hold, you're hurt I take it. You bleed I am sure. You're bent to kill I see. Well sir, your worst. It were unmanliness in me to refuse The safety of us both, my hand shall never fallen From such a charitable motion. Why advance your self towards them, with a comely step, and in your salute, be careful you strike not too high, nor too low, and afterwards for your discourse, your Tu quo que will bear you out. Oh that's a special thing that I must caution you of. Why for commending your self; never whilst you line commend your self: and then you shall have the Ladies themselves commend you. Why they will I'll assure you sir, and the more vilely you speak of your self, the more will they strive to collaud you. Excellent well sir. Fight Love on both sides; for on me thou strikest Strokes that hath Beatrice my heart into a flame: She hath sent amorous glances from her eye: Which I have back returned as faithfully. I would make to her, but these servile Robes, Curbs that suggestion, till some fitter time Shall bring me more persuadingly unto her. Did you call, Ladies? What does this mean tro I needs must prosper, Fortune & Love work for me. Be moderate my Joys; for as you grow to your full height, So Bubbles waxes low. Exit. 'Tis all the assistance I request of you, Bring me but opportunatly to her presence, And I desire no more: and If I cannot win her, Let me lose her. A task, what to win a Woman, & have opportunity? I would that were a task ifayth, for any man that wears his wits about him: give me but half and hours Conference with the coldest creature of them all, And if I bring her not into a fools Paradise, I'll pull out my tongue, & hang it at her door for a drawlatch. Uds oot, I'de never stand thrumming of Caps for the matter, I'll quickly make trial of her if she love: To have her Beauty praised, I'll praise it: if her Wit, I'll commend it: if her good parts, I'll exalt them. No course shall escape me; for to what soever I saw her inclined too, to that would I fit her. Well sir, I'll follow your instruction. Not a S llable, night nor sleep, is not more silent: She's as dumb as Westminster Hall, in the long vacation. Why, make her speak. Why, let me alone with her. A Cast suit, Lady? Vds'life, this is excellent: now she talks. Udsfoot, sheele make me out of love with my self. I would I could get her now to hold her tongue. Why, 'tis worse then silence. Will you be dumb again. Vds'foot, I'll fetch him that waked your tongue, To lay it down again. Oh relive me, or I shall lose my hearing, You have raised a Fury up into her tongue A Parliament of women could not make Such a Confused noise as that she utters. Why then let me alone again. If I do not wonder she could talk so long, I am a vil lain, She eats no Nuts I warrant her: sfoot, I am almost out of breath With that little I talked: well Gent. Brother's I might say; For she and I must clap hands vpon't: a match for all this. Pray go in; and Sister, salve the matter, collogue with her Again, and all shall be well: I have a little business That must be thought upon, and 'tis partly for your mirth; Therefore let me not (though absent) be forgotten: Fare well. The blessings of your Mistress fallen upon you, And may the heat and spirit of Hee-lip, Endue her with matter above her understanding, That she may only live to admire you, or as the Italian says; Que que dell fogo Ginni Coxcomby. I am sir, a perfect Traveller, that have trampled over The face of this vneuerss. and can speak Greek and Latin as promptly, as my own natural Language: I have composed a Book, wherein I have set down All the Wonders of the world that I have seen, And the whole scope of my Journeys, together with the Misery's and lousy Fortune's I have endured therein. No sir, you never herd of me, I set this day footing Upon the Wharffe, I came in with the last peal of Ordinance, And dined this day in the Exchange amongst the Merchants. But this is frivolous and from the matter: you do seem To be one of our Genteell spirits that do affect Genorositie: Pleases you to be instituted in the nature, Garb. and habit, Of the most exactest Nation in the world, the Italian: Whose Language is sweetest, Clothes nearest, and haviour Most accomplished: I am one that have spent much money, And time; which to me is more deer then money, in the Observation of these things: and now I am come, I will fit me down and rest, and make no doubt, But by quality, to purchase and built, by professing this Art, Or humane Science (as I may term it,) to such Honourable And Worshipful personages as mean to be peculiar. In the world Signeor, your Spaniard is a mere Bumbard to him: he will bounce indeed; but he will burst: But your Italian is smooth and lofty, and his language is, Cozen germane to the Latin. Yes sir, for it is and Italian word as well as a Latin, And infolds a double sense: for one way spoken, It includes a fine Gentleman Like your self; And another way, it imports and Ass, Like whom you will. Serve, no sir, I have talked with the great Sophy. Sir, if it please you, I will stand to your bounty: And mark me, I will set your face Like a Grand signeors, And you shall march a whole day, until you come opounctly to your Mistirs, And not disrancke one hair of your phisnomie. Then sir, I will first disburthen you of your Cloak, You will be the nimbler to practice: Now sir, observe me, Go you directly to the Lady to whom you devote your self. You shall set a good stayed face upon the matter then. Your Band is not to your Shirt, is it? It is the fitter for my purpose. I will first remove your Hat, it has been the fashion (as I have herd) in England, to wear your Hat thus in your eyes; But it is gross, nought, inconvenient, and proclaims with a loud voice; that he that brought it up first, stood in fear of Sergeants. Your Italian is contrary, he does advance his Hat, and sets it thus. Soft, I will first remove your Band, and set it out of the reach of your eye; it must lie altogether backward: So, your Band is well. It is as I would wish; only sir, this I must condition you off; in your affront or salute, never to move your Hat: But here, here is your courtesy. Never while you live, sir. Your Signeors never: you see I am unfurnished my self. You carry your face as well as ear and Italian in the world, only enrich it with a Smile, and 'tis incomparable: and thus much more, at your first appearance, you shall perhaps strike your acquaintance into and ecstasy, or perhaps a laugh ter: but 'tis ignorance in them, which will soon be overcome, if you persever. Do not you fear, I'll not be seen, I warrant you. Exit. Yes sir, very well. Why sir, you have not lost your Cloak and Hat. What can be welcomer unto these arms? Not my estate recovered, is more sweet, Nor strikes more joy in me, then does your love. It is the property of that passion, for fear Still shapes all things we see to that we fear. Can you not discern who they are? T'is true, and that's her maid before her. For a fatherly blessing too sir. Sergeants, come back with him, look sir, here is your livery, If you can put off all your former pride, And put on this with that humility That you first wore it, I will pay your debts, Free you of all incomb ances, And take you again into my service. No, which we? Gartered, why shee'l put it up. That I have cheated through the Play, it's true, But yet I hope, I have not cheated you. Play. And I have found it. Sergeant, why dost not carry him to prison? Lady, God save you. She turns back upon the motio ̄ , Ther's no good to be done by braying for her, I see that; I must plunge into a passion: now for a piece of Hero and Leander: t'were excellent; and praise be to my memory, It has reached half a dozen lines for the purpose: Well, she shall have them. One is no Number; Maids are nothing then Without the sweet society of Men. Wilt thou live single still? one shalt thou be, Though never singling Hymen couple thee. Wild Savages that drink of running Springs, Thinks Water far excels all other thing. They that daily taste neat Wine, despise it. Virginity albeit some highly prize it, Compared with Marriage; had you tried them both, Differs as much, as Wine and Water does. No? Why then have at you in another kind. By the faith of a Soldier (Lady) I do reverence the ground that you walk upon: I will fight with him that darts, say you are not fair: Stab him that will not pledge your health; and with a Dagger pierce a Vain, to drink a full health to you; but it shall be on this condition, that you shall speak first. Vds-foot, if I could but get her to talk once, half my labour were over: but I'll try her in and other vain. What and excellent creature is a Woman without a tongue? But what a more excellent creature is a Woman that has a tongue, and can hold her peace? But how much more ex cellent and fortunate a creature is that man, that has that Woman to his wife? This cannot choose but mad her; And if any thing make a Woman talk, 'tis this. It will not do though yet I pray God they have not gulled me: But I'll try once again. When will that tongue take liberty to talk? Speak but one word, and I am satisfied: Or do but say but Mum, and I am answered? No found? no accent? Is there no noise in Woman? Nay then without direction I would done. I must go call for help. Why make her hold her tongue.