FULLER

O M. Anselm, grown a Lover, fie, What might she be, on whom your Hope's rely? Good aged youth, blind seer, & wise fool, Lose your free bonds, and set your thoughts to school. Speak in what cue sir do you find your heart, Now thou hast slept a little on thy love? But in such fierce scorch not thy self for shame. If she be fire, thou art so far from ̄ burning, That thou hast scarce yet warmed thee at her face But list to me, I'll turn thy heart from love, And make thee loath all of the feminine sex. They that have known me, knew me once of name To be a perfect wencher: I have tried All sorts, all sects, all states, and find them still Inconstant, fickle, always variable. Attend me man, I will prescribea method How thou shalt win his without all peradue ̄ ture, I was once Like thee, A fighter, melancholy, humorist, Crosser of arms, a goer without garters, A hatband-hater, and a busk-point wearer, One that did use much bracelets made of hair, Rings on my fingers, Jewels in mine ears, And now and then a wenches Carkanet, That had two letters for her name in Pearl: Skarfes, garters, bans, wrought waistcoats, gold, stitched caps, A thousand of those female fooleries, But when I looked into the glass of Reason, strait I began To loath that female bravery, and henceforth Study to cry peccavi to the world. First be not bashful, bar all blushing tricks, Be not too apish female, do not come With foolish Sonnets to present her with, With legs, with courtesies, congies, and such Like: Nor with pend speeches, or too far fetched sighs, I hate such antic quaint formality. A frown, a fool art thou afraid of frowns? He that will leave occasion for a frown, Were I his Judge (all you his case bemoan) His doom should be, ever to lie alone. Continue that opinion, and be sure To die a virgin chaste, a maiden pure. It was my chance once in my wanton days To Court a wench, hark and I'll tell thee how: I came unto my Love, and she looked coy, I spoke unto my Love, she turned aside, I tucht my Love, and gan with her to toy, But she sat mute for anger, or for pride: I strived and kissed my Love, she cried away: Thou wouldst have left her thus, I made her stay. I catched my Love, and wrung her by the hand, I took my Love and set her on my knee, And pulled her to me, o you spoil my band, You hurt me sir, pray let me go quoth she. I am glad quoth I, that you have found your tongue, And still my Love I by the finger wrong. I asked her if she loved me, she said no, I bade her swear, she strait calls for a book: Nay then thought I, 'tis time to let her go, I eased my knee, and from her cast a look, She leaves me wondering at these strange affairs, And Like the wind she trips me up the stairs. I left the room below and up I went, Finding her thrown upon her wanton bed: I asked the cause of her sad discontent, Further she lies, and making room she said, Now sweating kiss me, having time and place: So clings me too her with a sweet embrace. What stir is this, lets step but out the way And hear the utmost what these people say. Now M. Anselm to her, step not back, Buslle your self, see where she sits at work: Be not afraid man, she's but a woman, And women, the most Cowards seldom fear: Think but upon my former principles, And twenty pound to a dream you speed. Beware of blushing sirrah, Offeare and too much eloquence: Rail on her husband his misusing her, And make that serve thee as and argument, That she may sooner yield to do him wrong: Were it my case, my Love and I to plead, I hau't at singers ends, who could miss the clout Having so fair a white, such steady aim, This is the upshot, now bid for the game. What a circustance does he begin with, what and Ass is he To tell her at the first that she was fair? The only means to make her to be coy: He should have rather told her she was fowl, And brought her out of love quite with her self: And being so, she would the less have cared Upon whose secrets she had laid her love: He hath almost marred all with that word fair. What a block is that To say God save you, is the fellow mad, Once to name God in his ungodly suit? She answers to the purpose, whats your will? Oh zoans that I were there to answer her. Oh Ass, o Duns, o blockhead that hath left The plain broad High way, and the readiest path To travel round about by circumstance: He might have told his meaning in a word, And now hath lost his opportunity: Never was such a trewant in Loves school, I am ashamed that ere I was his Tutor. To this now could I answer passing well. Still fair, and yet I warned the contrary. I that was well put in, If time and place were both convenient. Indifferent, that was not much amiss. Oh that was good, nothing was good but that: That was the lesson that I taught him last. All this as well as I could wish my self. Oh that same word villain hath marred all. Why man, in that word villain you marred all. To come unto and gonest wife and call Her husband villain, were she never so bade, Thou mightest well think she would not brook that name For her own credit, though no love to him. But leave not thus, but try some other mean, Let not one way thy Hope's make frustrate clean. Love none at all, they will forswear themselves, And when you urge them with it, their replies Are, that Jove laughs at Lovers perjuries. That thou shalt. My mistress in and humour had protested, That above all the world she loved me best, Saying with suitors she was oft molested, And she had lodged her heart within my breast: And sware (but me) both by her mask & fan, She never would so much as name a man. Not name a man quoth I, yet be advised, Not love a man but me, let it be so: You shall not think quoth she my thoughts disguised, In flattering language, or dissembling show: I say again, and I know what I do, I will not name a man alive but you. Into her house I came at unawares, Her back was to me and I was not seen, I stole behind her till I had her fair, Then with my hands I closed both her eyes, She blinded thus, begins to bethink her Which of her Loves it was that did hoodwink her, First she begins to guess & name a man That I well knew, but she had known far better. The next I never did suspect till than: Still of my name I could not hear a letter, Then mad, she did name Robin, and then James, Till she had reckoned up some twenty names, At length when she had counted up her score, As one among the rest she hit on me: I asked her if she could not reckon more, And plucked away my hands to let her see. But when she looked back and saw me behind her She blushed, and asked if it were I did blind her? And since I sware both by her mask and fan, To trust no she tongue, that can name a man. But not a word of passion or of love. Have at her now to try her patience, God save you mistress. I pray you where your husband? Poor gentlewoman how much I pity you, Your husband is become her only guest: He lodges there, and daily diets there, He riots, revels, and does all things, Nay he is held the M. of misrule, Amongst a most loathed and abhorred Crew: And can you being a woman suffer this? Anselm. As school-boys Jerks, Apes whips, as Lions Cocks, As Furies do fasting days, and devils crosses, As maids to have their marriage days put off: I Like it as the thing I most do loath, What wilt thou do? for shame persist no more In this extremity of frivolous love. I see my doctrine moves no precise ears, But such as are professed inamoratos. Tush live to laugh a little, Here's the best subject that thy love affords, Listen a while and hear this: hoboy speak. I prithee Anselm but observe this fellow, Dost not hear him? he would die for love, That mishapped love thou wouldst condemn in him, I see in thee, I prithee note him well. That were a dangerous case, perhaps the fellow In desperation would to sooth us up, Promise repentant recantation, And after fallen into that desperate course, Both which I will prevent with policy. I'll fit him finely: in this paper is The Juice of Mandrake, by a Doctor made To cast a man whose leg should be cut off, Into a deep, a cold and senseless sleep, Of such approved operation, That who so takes it, is for twice twelve hours Breathless, and to all men's judgements passed all sense: This will I give the pedant but in sport, For when 'tis known to take effect in him, The world will but esteem it as a Jest: Beside it may be a means to save his life, For being perfect poison as it seems, His meaning is, some covetous slave for coin Will fell it him, though it be held by law To be no better then flat felony. Gratus mihi advenis quid me cum vis. Si quid industria nostra tibi faciet dic queso. With all my heart, I am no Ratcatcher, But if you needs a poison, here is that Will pepper both your Dogs & Rats and Cats: Nay spare your purse, I give this in good will, And as it proves I pray you send to me, And let me know, would you ought else with me? A diew. Come let us go, I long to see What the event of this new Jest will be. Oh Lord sir, we shall be too troublesome. Yes with all my heart. Be ruled by reason, but whose here? Sir, since you move speech of a Puritan, If you will give me audience I will tell you As good a Jest as ever you did hear. I came unto a Puritan to woo her, And roughly did salute her with a kiss: Away quoth she, and rudely pushed mefro her, Brother, by yea and nay I Like not this, And still with amorous talk she was saluted, My artless speech with scripture was confuted. Oft I frequented her abroad by night, And courted her, and spoke her wondrous fair, But ever somewhat did offend her sighed, Either my double ruff, or my long hair: My scarf was vain, my garments hung too low, My Spanish shoe was cut too broad at toe. I parted for that time, and came again, Seeming to be conformd in look and speech, My shoes were sharp toed, and my band was plain, Close to my thigh my metamorphis'd breech: My cloak was narrow Capte, my hair cut shorter, Off went my Scarf, thus marched I to the Porter. The Porter spying me, did led me in, Where his fair mistress sat reading on a chapter: Peace to this house quoth I, and those within, Which holy speech with admiration wrapped her, And ever as I spoke, and came her nigh, Seeming divine, turned up the white of eye. I spoke divinely, and I called her sister, And by this means we were acquainted well: By yea and nay, I will quoth I and kissed her, She blushed & said that long tongued men would tell, I seemed to be as secret as the night, And said, on sooth I would put out the light. Oh do not swear quoth she, yet put it out, Because I would not have you break your oath. I felt a bed there as I groapt about, In troath quoth I, here will we rest us both. Swear you in troth quoth she, had you not sworn I had not don't, but took it in foul scorn, Then you will come quoth I; though I be loath, I'll come quoth she, be it but to keep your oath. Heres right the dunghill Cock that finds a pearl, To talk of wit to these, is as a man Should cast out Jewels to a herd of swine, Why in the last words did consist the Jest. For shame no more, you had best expostulate Your love with every stranger, leave these sighs, And change them to familiar conference. What faints thou ma ̄ ? I'll led thee hence for shame, Found at the tidings of a woman's death? Intolerable, and beyond all thought, Come my loves fool, give me thy hand to led, This day one body and two hearts are dead. Faith from the street, in which as I passed by, I met the modest Mistress Arthurs Course: And after her as mourners, first her husband, Next Justice Reason, then old M. Arthur, Old M. Lusam, and young Lusam too, With many other kinsfolks, neighbours, friends, And others that lament her Funeral, Her body is by this laid in the vault. I am sure you jest, you mean not as you say. Nay then we shall be troubled with your humour. Nay if you will be foolish, and passed reason, I'll wash my hands Like Pilate, from thy folly, And suffer thee in these extremities. All things are full of ambiguity, And I admire this wondrous accident. But Anselm, Arthur's about a new wife, a bona raba, How will she take it when she hears this news? Unless report be false, they are linked already, They are fast as words can tie them: I will tell thee How I by chance did meet him the last night. One said to me, this Arthur did intend To have a wife, and presently to marry: Amid the street I met him as my friend, And to his Love a present he did carry. It was some ring, some stomacher, or toy, I spoke to him, and bade God glue him joy. God give me joy quoth he, of what I pray? Marry quoth I, your wedding that is towards. 'Tis false quoth he, & would have gone his way. Come, come, quoth I, so near it, & so froward: I urged him hard by our familiar loves, Prayed him withal not to forget my gloves. Then he began, your kindness hath be great, Your courtesy great, and your love not common, Yet so much favour pray let me entreat, To be excused from marrying any woman. I knew the wench that is become his Bride, And smiled to think how deeply he had lide, For first he swore he did not court a maid, A wife he could not, she was elsewhere tied, And as for such as widows were, he said, And deeply swore, none such should be his bride, Widow, nor wife, nor maid, I asked no more, Knowing he was betrothed unto a whore. The same, the same, here comes the Gentle woman, O Mistress Arthur, I am of your counsel, Welcome from death to life. Your husband hath already God a wife, A huffing wench i'faith, whose rufflng silks, Make with their motion, music unto love, And you are quite forgotten. When does your colour change? When does your eyes Sparkle with fire to revenge these wrongs? When does your tongue break into rage and wra Against that scum of manhood, your vile husband, He first misvde you. He left your chaste bed, to defile the bed Ofsacred marriage with a Courtesan. And not content with this, Abused your honest name with staundrous words, And filled your hushed house with unquietness. Nay did he not with his rude fingers dash you on the face, And double die your Coral lips with blood? Hath he not torn those Gold wyers from your head, Wherewith Apollo would have strung his Harp, And kept them to play music to the Gods? Hath he not beat you, and with his rude fists, Upon ̄ that Crimzon temperature of your cheeks, Laid a led colour with his boisterous blows. Then did he not Either by poison, or some other plot, Send you to death, where by his Providence, God hath preserved you by wondrous miracle? Nay after death hath he not scandalized Your place, with and immodest Courtesan? Art sure she is a woman? if she be, She is create of Nature's purity. Then thus resolved, I straight will drink to thee, A health thus deep, to drown thy melancholy. Anselm content, lets thrust in among the throng. I sold no poison, but I gave him one To kill his Rats. Is it even so, then this ambignous doubt No man can better then my self decide. That compound powder was of Poppy made and Man drakes, Of purpose to cast one into a sleep, To ease the deadly pain of him whose leg Should be sawd off, that powder gave I to the school mai ster. Med e cure teipsum.