PROBERIO

That's more then you know Segnieur Simplo, what country shall be my home? Thanks gentle Simplo. News I have none but ordinary to tell you. With the state I shall have some business. And in my company came over and old acquaintance of yours, one Segnieur And tonio, a man of extraordinary Actium and faction. That's the man. But we call him Segnieur Anto nio, by reason of his travellers in Italy and other places. No, upon my word. He came over a great deal better then he went, and well qualified: and there was no doubt but he would continue so still, but that covetousness, and the devil's on't. Well, this Sir Antonio or Anthony whither you will hath seen many countries, and learned many strange qualities. Nay, do you judge? I'll tell you some of them. And if you Like them, wee'll put them in print, and set them up to be sold at the Hospital porch, near S. Nicholas sham bles, and annexed to the great thing in magnam chart , or magno folio, entiuled, and Admonition to householders. But first I'll account to thee what accidents we had in travail. No? what if I should first read a Sermon preached within these seven days at Amsterdam by a man of most pure profession and invention not ordinary, passing all that lived before or behind him in the novel strain; himself of the right cut of Carolstadius: in which Sermon he proves most deucutly, that it is Idolatry to fight against the Turk. Wouldst thou not hear that first? Well, since you are so desirous, you shall have them by whole sale, retail them at leisure when you come home. Imprimis, when he lives in a great town Like, London, he loves to lie in a corner over the Kitchen, because the Jack shall not whirl too often, to waken or distract him in pray er. His dinners are for the most partly ordinary, except four days in the week he visit his housekeeping friends. And at supper a couple of eggs, and a bit of cheese is a choice diet after a liberal dinner: beside it saves fire and washing of dishes. But your cunning would fail you, for he hath a trick beyond your reach for preserving his cheese. But to the next. Secondly, he so cavils and wrangles with any man that he deals withal, that they ne er agree or love after, and yet every Saturday he makes eauen with all the world. It is so: choose whither thou wilt believe me, or no. Canst thou not reconcile them? I see thou art a we ry barren fellow; thou hast not a spoonful of wit. I am sor ry that ever I undertook to teach thee these incomparable tricks of Done Antonto, laboured for so toughly in climbing the Alps, and so dangerously brought down Thou lookest too neerehand, as if a man would spy for a Wood cock in the next queath of bushes; whereas thou oughtest to elevate thy aspect to thy uttermost kenning, as those do that lie on their backs to keep sighed of hawks which as pire beyond the first region. Search me the furthest corner of thy capacity, and there see if perhaps do lie as in and ab struse angles, some secret pattern of these projects. Every B zzard will pry if a mowle or a mouse shall happen in and hours watching to creep from a bush right under her stand: give me the Eagle soaring conceits, to spy what springs before the furthest ranger a mile off. Well, I will not stick with thee for this once, but look not for it often; for I'll not use you to it. Find them out by your own study for me hereafter. You are of age one would think. Thus it is: Harken well what I say at first. for I'll not repeat it again for losing of time. He I a en with all the world every Saturday. Those were my words, and I'll make them good; mark diligently. Well, every Saturday night he makes eauen with all the world, because he will be the better disposed against Sunday. Hem Would. He is even that is to say. Would. Would. Hae. Hold, hold: thou shalt have it presently: 'tis at my tongues end. He loves no body then, a worser no body loves him. And thus thou seest there's no odds, but all eauen. Would. Would. Hae. And thou be a good fellow rehears three or four of these cases thou hadst Like to have produced; and let's judge how fitly they had been applied if need had been. I think so. Thou were pockily distempered. Thirdly. When he means to ride to his counttey house, he goes three days before to some grooms at court. And if from them he leatne any news (if it be but of a posy given the king of France by his nurse, or that a fisher man sailing by the Barmoothes saw a fire at singing of a hog) this carries him scotfree to all the gentlemens houses of his ac quaintance situate, set, lying, & being within seven miles of the high way of any side until at length he set foot at his own stable door pecuniis numeratis remaining entire in his right pocket. And the Like he can do retrogrado to Lon done, but by variety of friends because the same news may be news forward and backward. Is it so Sir? ther's your judgement, and bolt soon shot. But if I show that it is a very difficile, ambiguous, pe rilous, perplexed and involved stratagem, what will become of your opinion hereafter? Thou learn wit out of them? never while thou vest: not honestly neither. They will rather rob thee of those wits thou hast, he hath infinite such as these, which in very pity to thee I forbear to relate at this time These are e nough to conceive at once. For if I should driven them all in to thy brains together, though it were with a tenne-penny nail, thou couldst not carry them away: but rather they would make thee mad in the case thou art now. Not fit I was to receive such potions without endue preparation. Thou makest a large offer, & a rash, which full soon (I doubt) thou wilt revoke: but isle try thee. Before thou be gin to profess this art, thou m to forget all rules and instru ctions of manners taught thee by thy father's, godfathers, or schoolmasters, and renounce all good counsel given thee from the beginning of the world to this day: that so being and empty a worser void vessel thou mayest be the more apt to re ceiue the tincture and impression applied. And thus begin thy A.B.C. in machiavellan school. Otherwise; if though shouldst reserve but so much as a secret intention to keep thine old honesty on the one side of thy head, and lay open the tother side to entertain these restless and still stirring cratchets, there would be such hurly burly in thy brain, that all the wit thou hast will not keep them in order. Therefore, if thou desirest to be of the cunning cure and withal lovest thine own peace come clear without wit or honesty, weel teach enough in a week to serve thee all thy life time. Ill bring thee acquainted, and then isle turn him lose to teach and furni h thee with destructions enough for a whole country. That's great step to your well profiting I may say to you; and 'tis a great sign of grace to be obedient, and wholly to resign your self to good inspirations: but canst thou tell when thou hast good counsel given thee? Well, then thus far we are agreed. And I wish you not to stand upon his getti g by you, least you be penny wise, and pound foolish. Oh, I why I have known him these 30 years at least, and conversed with him in his best times; somewhat cost me you must think, but that's passed. I would not for any thing but that I did known thoroughly. I that he has, and carried from thence more that n all the towns in Italy could spare. In what Noverindo, have I done him injury? Oh universal Noverindo in what particulars? That's not matter. but canst thou disprove me in a y thing I said? or dost thou know any good by him that I have not spoken of Sir, it may be I'll pleasure you so much: but to the mat er canst thou disprove me in any thing I faid? He re overed not; nor God any thing from the scri vener. But was not this a wrangle, and a shameful cavil? yea and with a Noverint man himself which thou deniest? 000 now thou liest in thy swallowing place Noverindo. What? dost thou find fault with housekeepers: yowl please him never a whit with that, for ant were not for good housekeepers he would have many hungry meals Why coxcomb; how canst thou tell his back was towards us. Give thee, yes a rope (Noverindo turns towards And tonio) these caterpillars are all for what will you give me Like I das What a rogue stis? he can speak nothing but obli gations as Ovid did verses. Yonder is thy master that shall be ( Simplo ) thou shalt loose no time, weel to him suddenly. Segnieur Antonis. All hail to your person. Here is a man desires to serve you; to be your pupil; to imitate your actions so near as his vessel can hold the print. And he will do well. For he is made all of wax, very pliant, empty of all thing a little money and a tenement or two of land lying next your freehold on the south side, worth 10 l per annum. He is ready for your hand Sir. I will not commit such and error (knowing you as I do) but lay the foundati on. You may work upon him as you list I warrant you. Thou hast a service a dog would not have it, except his tail were already so short cut to his breech that no more could be spared. I warrant thou has seen the last of thy writings. They will pull thy land after them. And that's but law. That's easily done. For I think this is little worth. Well Sir, this shall be done with effect. I have cast up these accounts exactly, and your share is to pay 200 , and no more. I have often visi ed them and put them to such a plunge as you never saw: for they say you ought to pay 400 . and yet they cannot avoid but they must pay 800 . They have lost their notes, their servants be changed: and they are so puzzled as you never knew men: they desire respite a week. I gave it them, and so it rests. Sir I thought good to put you in mind of one thing. You have my bonds of eight or nine score pounds in your hands discharged ten years since, I pray you let me have them up. But I wish I had them up, we are all mortal. I thank you Sir, either of them I will accept. (he turns to the people.) This is Like his 100 . offer which his messenger ran away withal. It will come to nothing; but now I know he hath some business for me. If you would bargained already, it I too late for me to deliver my opinion. Why. I know you can do it if you list, you can play fast and lose aswell as any man. Well, you shall soon know how I Like it. Sir, the bargain with Master Pohssib is the worst that ever was made: for if he or his wife do live 30 years, (as by probability they will) you loose 17000 l . by the bar gain at least. And if they die sooner, you shall save little. Therefore my advice is, that either you buy it absolutely for ready money, or yield it back with reasonable considera cion for your money lent, so shall you be free from exclama tions. I will. (he turns to the people) then until the next need I am cashiered. I told you Sir, what and intricate business it would prove to be, and full of slander: therefore I wished you to end it by yielding the bargain back, for that will be the end of it. Sir, that account goes otherwise then you would have it; for they prove that there was 1200 l . taken up, and of that you are to pay 400 l . I am so sure, that I am ashamed ever to have spoken in a matter so contrary to good conscience. That I will do, and I am sure they will not refuse it. (he turns to the people, and says) this is but to colour his dishonest meaning, he knoweth the truth as well and bet ter then they. Oh, I could fit these fellows to a hair. I could de vise them a crest as fit as a fan for a for horse. Sir I am the only man for such a business. If the Herald cannot aptly conceive it, I can instruct him. I'll un dertake to have it speedily. Sir, it will cost 10 l beside somewhat for expedition: and I must have it ready to pay: for I will not come from him till I bring it. But so you may scar them quite away, they will come there no more. Say no more, I'll be your warrant, it shall be fear full enough. (Exit Nov.) and make some of you stain the place you stand in, and look backward what drops behind you. Let me alone, I'll dress you as you should be trimmed 30 in the 100. I'll not forget that upon my word. What? joust so soon as I have done all your busi ness must I be gone, you might have suffered me until you go out of town, if then you will needs have me remove. You were wont to let me lie here a week after, or as long as I needed. Marry now I find the cause of that to be, that you had then some business for me to do. Where shall I lie this night, being suddenly vnpro vided? and whither shall I carry my stuff? There they may be stolen; but I must be content, (though not pleased) if there be no remedy. That six pound I do not owe, although you God my bound for it by a very hard and undue course. And to this I will depose. And if I did, I hope you will not exact it, having received such kindness heretofore from me when I was able, and you in extreme need thereof, and now do king you so many services. In lodging? I am ashamed to hear such a word, (though you be not to allege so base a reckoning) I had always my own sheets, except sometime when mine were finer, you would change with me for worse. And the great diet I had was sometime a piece of chief, and one egg; for which benefits, I have travailed Like a Porter, & written Like a Clarke. Is this your gratitude for good turns passed? and are all your promises thus performed? These were not your words to me, when you were a beggar, and a borrower from m e, and had need of the poorest help; but then you found no beggar of me, but your best friend. I hear beside that my surety is in execution at your suit for the six pound. You know I owe you nothing of that money. Will you have my oath? Will you refer it to friends? To your own brother? I protest upon my faith no penny of this money is endue. And yet to save my surety I offered a fine mewed Gosse auk , which before good witness you did accept, and caused said me to keep a whole Michaelmas eam me in London: but at the end of that very teat me unknown to me, you sneaked out of town leaving order to have my surety are stead, and so followed, that now he is execution upon that only suit. I say no more, but demand judgement in this case. Was there ever any so hard hearted? Twenty years passed, when I was in prosperity, and he at point of death, by rigour of Law, I took many costly journey to Court, labouring for his pardon. I did him all the good offices that a true friend could do for another. And I left nothing undone that might do him good. Beside, I lent him 50 . gratis in those times, my self paying interest for that money. At which time what vows and promises he made me, I let pass, as ingrateful to my heart in repeating, and serve to no other purpose but for a warning, and a woe ̄ der that so much ingratitude should harbour in and English man. And now you are all witnesses of my reward. This caitiff is careful of losing time in his wrath heaping gain; but that this time be well spent, he takes no care at all. Well Sir, you shall not complain of me for kee ping you too long from the Devil, the sooner you go, the better for the country you live in. Noverindo: why fret you your self? I have more need to be choleric for staying here this hour, waiting your leisure, while I might have got 20 by other employments. None but fools will think so when they view it well, they shall be caught to acknowledge that it was endue to you long since, even from your first denomination. With child? with the Devil you are. But soft Sir, is there no more in the case then you make show of? what presently see it, and have it, and set it up? But Sir, have you forgotten my two pieces you promised me upon finishing the business? I warrant you I have deserved it you need not grudge me. Why should you ask me such a question? Is there any man in Christendom or in Kenned, that you will trust for 40. shillings without good security? Yes, I have, and will keep you from sighed of it un till I have my money. For what can I tell? you may be so overjoyed with the sighed, that you may run mad upon it. And then what guardian of yours while you live, or and ministrator when you die will pay me 44. shillings, especi Alley being endue for a thing that put you out of your wits? Therefore satisfy your self, you shall not see it until I have every penny of my money. Even as I know that you will pay me 100 . when I and my sureties have-sealed the bound to your use before I receive a penny. Now you shall see it. (Then he sets it up with some device upon a staff. that with turning it all the spectators may view it, and says) Look here Sir, here's rods in piss for the villains. Sir. this Tiburnist, or hangman is the Devil. And this fellow that hath the purse is Judas. the figure of 30 with p -joined to it signifies 30 pence, for which he sold his master. That which follows is meant of Christ, worth a hundred world's: for which fact the Devil put a halter about his neck and hanged him. So shortly this is the sum of all. Judas who for 30 worser should Christ infinitely greatest Was hanged by the Devils help, and reputed with the basest. Before you saw the history, Now you hear the mystery. 'Tis true. many may think so: but your Clark's must inform them in the sense. No man can put a secret in fi gures but it may be diversely interpreted. And so be all oram cles taken in sundry senses. Why should you think so? That's because you are parcel guilty. But I will gather two other conceits as proper as that of yours. Thus 30 pro 100. that is, he that gives 30 in the 100 is worthy to be hanged. I do but guess at this for variety sake, And then and other is this. 30 in the 100. he that will not give 30 in the 100 is worthy to be hanged. Nay here one more comes flowing in. I tell you 'tis a very copious theme. could keep you here this hour with voluntary variety. I remember them as fast as they come into my brains by huddles. 30 in the 100. and the hangman by: that is, he that will not give 30 in the 100. shall be hanged before he get any money there. I thank you Sir. And if you knew with what alacri tie, and willingness I went about it, you would think it well bestowed. Let him go, he carries his own rod. No man that hath his senses will conjecture otherwise then himself did at first. videlicet. He that takes 30 in the 100 and not a penny under, Is worthy to be pendent till the hemp crack asunder. I, that it does Sir. And I undertake to make it ap pear though perhaps you have never a capcase to put it in. First Segnior Anthony so soon as he puts foot in the stir rop, is to fear least the Master & Mistress should not be at home & his perplexity in that case is very hardly dissolved. Secondly how to carry his tales and discourses methodi cally. Thirdly to take heed he discover no familiarity with the gentleman's adversary. Lastly what kind of farewell he were best to take at par ting. These be matters of mighty moment (as thou seest) which he hath to cast, and recast; to meditate, and ponder; to toss, and tumble; to revolve, and refolue; to put forward with Pro, and pull back with contra, to object, and confute; to throw doubts and mishaps Like snow-bals, and against them erect bulwarks & defences, to admit wounds & scars, and to apply salves; to conclude, come what come will to have cordials in store, & all little enough to save his best be loved in his purse. And yet thou Dunstable breed thoughtest it as easy a matter to perform them handsomely as to make a good posset with a quart of new Like and a quantity of clear chamberly. I will not tell thee, thou hast already more then thou canst well bear: thou art almost drunk with the very smell of his wit, or else thou wouldst never so idly ask me a question which I told thee twenty times. Not to forward with your lies Noverindo if you love your self: for though I will not fight for fear of the proclamation yet know I can make you give me satisfacti on upon your knee if I would complain: but I will seek no such advantage; for the cause it self give me victory e nough over thee, and returns the lie most bram ely into thy gullet. I can prove Nody Noverindo, that in thy own trade and his of decemper cent. when he lost 100 l which the scri vener delivered his own messenger after the bound sealed, (who ran away with the money) he brake his day, and sued the scrivener striving to recover the whole, or some compo sition by that means. I thank you Sir, but it is a thousand to one I shall never find him; and if I do, I know not the man, and the money perhaps spent.