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Full speech
N Ay Mistress, pray eene go in again, for I have some inward news for you. 'Tis no matter Mistress till you come in, but make much a time in the mean time, good fortune thrusts her self upon you in the likeness of a fine young Gentleman, hold up your apron and receive him while you may, a Gods name. Well Mistress, when I was a Maid, and that's a good while ago I can tell you. You were but a little one then I wiss. Faith it's one of the furthest things I can remem ber. Marry Mistress I took my time, I warrant you. And ther's Signior Leonoro now, the very flower of Venice, and one that loves you dearly I ensure you. Why then, what say to Signior Collatin ! ther's a dainty piece of Venzon for you, and a fervent lover indeed. Well, you have a whole brown dozen a suitors at least, I am sure; take your choice amongst'em all, if you love not all, yet you may love three or four on they to be doing withal. Why not, so you love they moderately. What must that strange made piece Theagines that you cry out up on so often, have all from other, and yet know not where he is? Well Mistress, yet peradventure, they may make you open afore the Priest have a penny for you, God ye God morrow Sir, truly I have not herd a sweeter breath then your Page has. And how dee Sir? How say Sir? and by my soul I was coming to you in the morning when your young man came to me; I pray let him put on, unless it be for your pleasure. A pretty sweet child it's I promise you. Faith I'll tell you Sir, I took her in a good mood this morning, and broke with her again about you, and she was very pleasant as she will be many times. No by my troth Gentleman, none in the world, and obstacle young thing it is, as ever I broke with all in my life: I have broke with a hundred in my days, though I say it, yet never met her comparison. Nay it's no matter Sir, this is the first time that e ver I spoke to any in these matters, and It shall be the last God willing. But do you love her Sir indeed? Pardon me I pray Sir, I mean dee love her as a Gentleman ought to do, that is, to consumi ate matrimony with her as they say? You say Like and honest Gentleman; a woman can have no more: and faith Sir I wish you well, and every day ter dinner my Mistress uses to go to her chair or else lie down upon her bed, to take a nap or so, to avoid idleness as many good huswives do, you know, and then do I fit by her and ewe, or so: and when I see her fast asleep, Lord do I think to my self, (as you know we waiting women have many light thoughts in our heads) Now if I were a man, and should bear my Mistress and ill will, what might I do to her now. The best that may be, for she sleeps Like a sucking P g, you may jog her a hundred times, and shee'll stir no more then one of your stones, here. Nay byr'lady Sir, back with that leg, for if any thing come on't but well, all the burden will lie upon me. I but who knows if the Devil (God bless us) should be great wee', how you would use her? Beast Sir; Nay ther's no beastliness in it neither, for a man will show Like a man in those cases: and beside, you may mar the bed, which every body will see that comes in; and that I would not for the best gown I shall wear this twelve Month. I thank you for that Sir, but thats all one, and thus Sir, my old Master Honorio, at two a clock will be at Tilting, and then will his son Signior Aurelio, and his man Augelo, be abroad; at which hour if you will be at the back gate, and muffle your self handsomely, you may linger there till I call you. Nay, but two a clock, now, now is my hour Sir. Boy to you heartily. Come, come, gingerly for Gods sake, gingerly. Yonder he sits i'faith, well done true love, good Signior Leonoro, he keeps promise the best, he does not see me yet. Why that pearl's man Lodowick, according to your appointment was jump at three with me, joust, eene full at your hour; Muffled as I wild you, ee'ne your fashion and your very leg for all the earth, and followed me in so gingerly, that by my troth I must needs say, he was worthy the pleasuring; but in what a taking was I when I perceived his voice? & when I saw my mistress & he together by the ears? Oh king a heaven, she ran upon his naked weapon the most finely that ever lived, and I ran away in a swoon for fear. And when he saw me, he called me punk, and pander, and doxy, & the vilest nicknames as if I had been and errand naugh ty-packe. I thank heaven for it, and ther's all indeed, I can stay no longer. Exit. Meddle not with me sir. By my faith, but save votre grace sir. Byr'lady, and thats not amiss for you sir. No nor for any man thats not found I mean sir. Well young Gentleman, perhaps it should not be the worst for you.
Plot summary
Plot — May Day
It is May morning. In accordance with the season, old Lorenzo is planning an amorous, adulterous adventure with Francischina, and approaches her kinsman Angelo to act as go-between. Francischina’s husband too is going out with his gull, Innocentio, who is to observe gentlemanly behaviour at an ordinary. Lodovico makes doubly sure of his absence by introducing him to an admirer, Giovanelli, and they go to a tavern together. He is implicated in a second plot which in turn requires Lorenzo to be away from his home: Lorenzo’s daughter Aemilia, whom he plans to marry against her will to Gasparo, loves Aurelio, and Lodovico has promised to bring him to her at the house’s rear terrace. Meanwhile, Leonoro conspires with Temperance to win the love of Lucretia, Aurelio’s cousin. Nothing goes entirely according to plan. Lorenzo comes to Francischina disguised as a chimney-sweep, so that he can enter the house without risk to her honour, but Lodovico lets his friends in on the secret and they tease him on the way; later Angelo pretends to be Quintiliano coming home early, and frightens Lorenzo into hiding. Aurelio’s assignation with Aemilia turns out to involve more than talking when Lodovico provides a rope ladder and he climbs up onto the terrace, which gives access to her bedroom. Lodovico waits below, muffled in his cloak, and Temperance mistakes him for Leonoro; she invites him in just as the real Leonoro arrives and is taken to Lucretia’s chamber. When he gets into bed with her, however, the liaison ends with fighting when he discovers ‘her’ to be a cross- dressed man. Meanwhile Quintiliano cozens Giovanelli of his money and then returns home drunk to find Lorenzo, still disguised, hiding in his coal-house. Lorenzo goes home in turn and discovers Aurelio and Aemilia together; Angelo helps Aurelio escape while Lorenzo is changing out of his disguise before fetching the Provost to administer justice, then substitutes Francischina in Aurelio’s clothes so that Lorenzo will infer that he misunderstood an innocent jest. Everyone goes to the May night show at Honorio’s house, which includes a masque. Leonoro and Quintiliano have the page Lionel cross-dress as a woman with a view to tricking Innocentio into chatting her up. Leonoro confronts Lodovico over his liaison with ‘Lucretia’, and he explains what happened. In fact ‘she’ is really Lucretio, whose father was a Sicilian exile and close friend of Aurelio’s family. ‘Lionel’ turns out to be Lucretio’s fiancée…