QUINTILIANO

Hands off wife, hang not upon me thus; how can I maintain thee but by using my valour? and how can I use that, but in Actium and employment? go in, play at cards with your Cozen Angelo here, and let it suffice I love thee. He does so, and I thank him; yet see how the fool puts finger ith' eye still. After Boy, give your attendance. Attend I say, the hosts of the Lion has a leg Like a Cyant, want for nothing Boy, so she score truly. Then let her choke, and choke thou with her: 'Sblood hobby horse, and she had chaulkt up twenty pounds, I hope the world knows I am able to pay it with a wet fin her. Then the world's and ignorant Sir, and you are and innocent, vanish Boy, away. I'll make him a good one here I would done with him; but this same loving fool my wife now, will never leave weeping, till I make her believe I will not have a company. Who would be cumbered with these soft hearted creatures, that are ever in extremes, either too kind, or too unkind? Damn me, if I do not pity her with my heart; plague on her kindness, she has half persuaded me to take no company. Well, and my promise were not passed to thee, I am a villain if all the world should partly Frank and me; think I love thee therefore, and will do thee credit: It will cost me a great deal a this same foolish money to buy me drum and ensign, and furnish me thoroughly, but the best is I know my credit. Let'em walk, let'em walk; Candle rends: if the wars hold, or a plague come to the town, theill be worth nothing. Right, or there may come and earthquake, and ouerturne'em. Or some crafty petty-fogger may find a hold in the title, a thousand casualties belongs to they. Thats thy most husbandly course i'faith Boy, thou mayest have twenty ith' hundred for thy life, I'll be thy man for two hundred. For your life, not otherwise. Remember thee? it's thine own already Boy, a hundred pounds shall not buy it from thee; give me thy hand. I do here create thee Lieutenant Innocentio. If I have: damn me if such another word do not make me put thee out ath' place again; if I have a come pany, Sfut, let the Duke deny me one, I would it come to that once, that employment should go with the unde server, while men of service fit at home, and feed their and her with the blood of read lattices. Let the Duke deny me to day, I'll renounce him to morrow. I'll to the enemy point blank, I'm a villain else: Well if that day come, it will prove a hight day with some body. When thou wilt Lieutenant; No better time then now, for now th'art in good clothes, which is the most ma teriall point for thy entrance there. Marry Sir, when you come first in, you shall see a crew of Gallants of all sorts: Tush man, you must not do so, if you have good clothes and will be noted let am all come in afore you, and then as I said shall you see a lusty crew of Gallants, some Gentlemen, some none; but thats all one: he that bears himself Like a Gentleman, is worthy to have been born a Gentleman: some aged have beards, and some have none, some have money, and some have none, yet all must have meat: Now will all these I say at you first entrance wone der at you, as at some strange Owl: Examine your person, and observe your bearing for a time. Do you then ath' to there side seem to neglect their observance as fast, let your countenance be proof against all eyes, not yielding or con fessing in it any inward defect. In a word be impudent e nough, for thats your chief virtue of society. So much the better, for nature is far above Art, or judgement. Now for your behaviour; let it be free and negligent, not clogged with ceremony or observance, give no man honour, but upon equal terms; for look how much thou givest any man above that, so much thou takest from thy self: he that will once give the wall, shall quickly be thrust into the kennel: measure not thy carriage by any men eye, thy speech by no men ear, but be resolute and confident in doing and saying, and this is the grace of a right Gentleman as thou art. Thats not a pear matter man, ther's no prescript cion for Gentility, but good clothes and impudence: for your place, take it as it falls, but so as you think no place to good for you; fallen too with ceremony whatsoever the come pany be: and as near as you can, when they are in their Mutton, be thou in thy Woodcock, it shows resolution. Talk any thing, thou carest not what, so it be without of fence, and as near as thou canst without sense. If you chance to tell a lie, you must bind it with some oath, as by this bred, for breads a binder you know. And yet take heed you swear by nomans bred but your own, for that may breed a quarrel: above all things you must carry no coals. Well Sir, one point more I must remember you of. After dinner there will be play, and if you would be counted complete, you must venture amongst them; for oh therwise, theill take you for a Scholar or a Poet, and so fallen into contempt of you: for there is no virtue can escape the account of baseness if it get money, but gaming and law; yet must you not lose much money at once, for that argues little wit at all times. Is true, Lieutenant? byr'lady Sir I'll be your mode rator, therefore let me see how much money have you about you? It's too much to lose by my faith, Lieutenant; give me your purse Sir, hold ye, heers two brace of Angels, you shall venture that for fashion sake, I'll keep the rest for you, till you have done play. Not a penny by this gold. And I do, hang me; Come lets to the Duke. Fool dost thou delight to hear thy son beg in Latin, pose him Lieutenant. And excellent Boy. Believe it a rare shred, not of homespun cloth upon my life: Taylor, go, send the schoolmaster to me at night and I'll pay him. Like the sting of a Scorpion, she nails mine ears to the pillory with it, in the shame and torment she does me. Go I will void this Bill and avoid her. Lieutenant, is not this a brave gullery? The slave has a pretty wife, and she will never have me pay him, because she may ever come to my chamber, as she says, to rail at me, and then she goes home and tells her husband she has tickled me i'faith. Thou mayest see this Boy is no shred of a Taylor, is he not right of my look and spirit? And dost thou live my noble Lodovico? Boy, take my cloak, when shals have a rouse, would? my Lieutenant and I were drunk last night, with drinking health on our knees to thee. How many miles to midsummer? 'Sblood, whose fool are you? are not you the tassel of a Gander? Health? 'Sfoot, how mean you that? dee think I came lately out ath' powdering Tub? Why you're not angry, are you? 'Sblood, I hope I may and I will. Dare? Plague on thee, th'art the madest Lodovico in the world, 'sfoot do thou stab me, and th'ast a mind too't, or bid me stab my self, is this thy friend? dost thou love Lodovico? S'heart, a lies in's throat that does not; and whence comest thou wag, would? Give me thy hand, th'art welcome and for thy fashions, thou shalt first drink and wench it: to which end we will carouse a little, some six or seven miles hence, and every man carry his wench. Haue'em Lieutenant? if we haue'em not, my Vam lentine shall be one, and she shall take a neighbour or two with her to see their nursed child's or so; wee'll want for no wenches I warrant thee, (Enter Cuthbert Barber.) Oh 'tis my Barber. Alas they that live by men, must haunt'em, How now Cutberd, what news out of Barbary? Be brief then Cutbeard, thou lookest lean me thinks, I think th'art newly married. I thought so, keep on thy hat man, 'twill be the less perceived, what, is not my Taylor and you friends yet? I will have you friends thats certain, I'll maintain you both else. Why but Cutbeard, are not you neighbours? your trades Cousin germane, the Taylor and the Barber? does not the Taylor sow? dost not thou Barber reap? and do they not both band themselves against the common enemy of mankind, the louse? are you not both honest men alike? is not he and arrant knave? you next door to a knave, because next door to him? True Cutbeard, wilt thou lend me as many more to make'em even Boy? Cut'em down then Cutbeard, it belongs to thy profession if they hang too long. 'Sblood Rascal, as good credit as I? Let me alone; I'll not strike him by this hand, why hark ye Rogue: put your credit in balance with mine? dost thou keep this company? here's Signior Lodovico, one of the Clarissimi, a man of worship: here's a Gentleman of Padua, a man of rare parts, n excellent scholar, a fine Ciceronian. And here's my Lieutenant, I hope thou knowest the Worshipful man his father with the blue beard, and all these are my companions; and dare you a barbarous slave, a squirting companion, compare with me? but here's the point; now behold and see: Signior Giouenelle, lend me four or five pounds, let it be five pounds, if you have so much about you. Very good, now Cutbeard, are you a slanderous cutthroat or no? will thy credit do this now? without scrip or scroll. But thou wilt think this is done for a colour now; do you not lend it me simply? For how long? Why so, here you poling Rascal, here's two crowns out of this money: now I hope wilt believe it's mine, now the property is altered. No Cutbeard, I have been burned ith' hand for that, I'll pay never a knave and ye all money, but in the pre sense of such honest Gentleman that can witness it; of my conscience I have paid it thee half a dozen times; go to sir be gone. Thank you Signior Giouenelle ; though you're sure of this money again at my hands, yet take heed how this same Lodovico get it from you, he's a great sharker; but th'ast no more money about thee hast thou? All the better, for hee'd cheat thee on't, if thou hadst ever so much, therefore when thou comest to Pa dua, ply thy book and take good courses, and it's not this again shall serve thy turn at my hands, I swear to thee. Signior Lodovico, adieu. With all my heart Boy, into the Emperors head here. Come A cient, lets leave our company a little, and air our selves in this backside.— Who goes there? The word. Shote him Ancient, a spy, the word's the Em perours head, and thither you shall go sir. Th'ast attended him already, I am witness too't, deni't and he dare, whatsoever he be, and he shall attend thee another while, and he will: Th'art as good a man as he, and he be the Duke himself, for a Clarissimo ; entertain him Ancient, bid the Clarissimo, welcome, I'll call a drawer, and wee'll have some wine in this Arbour. Exit. Here honourable Clarissimo, I drink to thee. 'Sfoot, winesucker, what have you filled us here, baldredash? taste Leonoro. 'Slight me thinks it's taken salt water, who drew this wine you rogue? Is this thy boy Leonoro ? Afore heaven it's a sweet faced child, me thinks he should show well in woman's attire: and he took her by the lily white hand, and he laid her upon a bed. I'll help thee to three crowns a week for him, and she can act well. Ha'st ever practised my pretty Ganymede? Oh finely taken; Sirrah, Clarissimo, this fellow was and arrant Asle this forenoon, afore he came to be and And tient. Sounds man, he's turned swaggerer. Swaggerer by this light he; and is in the next room writing a challenge to this tall Gentleman my And tient here. 'Sfoot man, who can bridle the asses valour? Why sir, because I entertained this Gentleman for my Ancient, (being my deer friend and and excellent schol ler) he takes pepper ith' nose and sneeses it out upon my Ancient; now sir (he being of and vncol -carrying spirit) falls foul on him, calls him gull openly; and ever since I am feign to drink with they in two rooms, dare not let'em come together for my life, but with pen and inke-hornes, and so my Lieutenant is in the next chamber casting cold Ink upon the (Enter Innocentio.) flame of his courage, to keep him from the blot of cowardice, see where he comes with his challenge: good Clarissimo hold my Ancient. Revenge noble Lieutenant, hast thou done it? Thats certain. Hold him Leonoro ; and if it be possible, per suade him to hear the challenge from the enemies own mouth. Read fiery Lieutenant, read boy, legibly. That openly was all indeed. Nay good Ancient hear him. Afore heaven Ancient, this would have tickled you, but good Leonoro, and thou be'st a right Clarissimo, lets make'em friends, and drink to one another: 'Sfoot, we have no wine here me thinks, where's this Aperner? Have you mended your hand sir. Sounds you're very saucy sir, here Lieutenant, drink to thy Ancient, and void mutinies with your officer, mar shall law is dangerous. Why so, now my company is cured again, afore 'twas wounded. Come honourable Clarissimo, lets retire to our strength, taste a fresh carouse or two, and then march home with Music. Tapster, call us in some Music. S Trike up Scrapers, honourable Clarissi more, and thy sweet Adonis, adieu, re member our device at the show soon. How now Lieutenant, where's my Ancient? Why then his purse and his stomach will be emp ty together, and so I cashier him; let the scholar report at Padua, that Venice has other manner of learning belongs to it: what does his Continuum & Contiguum here? let'em go to the Ink pot and beware of the wine pot. Fill read cheeked Bacchus, let the Burdeux grape Skip Like la voltos in their swelling veins. To dan, dan tidle, to dan de dan tidle diddle, &c. Fill read cheeked Bacchus, let the Burdeux grape Skip Like la voltos in their swelling veins. To dan, dan tidle, to dan de dan tidle diddle, &c. He took her by (strike up fiddlers) the lily white hand and he laid her upon the bed. O what a spirit have I now? I long to meet a Sergeant in this humour, I would but have one whiff at one of these same peuter buttoned shoulder-clappers, to try whither this chopping knife or their pestels were the better weapons. Here's a blade Boy, it was the old Dukes first predecessors; I'll tell thee what Lieutenant, this sword has dubbed more Knights then thy knife has opened Oysters. No matter for that, your best mettald blades will stand soonest: so, now we have attained our Mansion house. At which I'll sing a verse shall break the doors. Oh noble Hercules, let no S ygian lake. To dan dan tidle, to dan de dan tidle diddle, &c. Farewell scrapers, your reward now shall be that I will not cut your strings nor break your sidles, via, away. Hercules, let no S ygian lake. To dan dan tidle, to dan de dan tidle diddle, &c. 'Sfoot she's and Ass, honour wooes me, preferment calls me, and I must lie pampered in a wenches lap, because she dotes on me. Honour says no, Lieutenant, Pugnam pro patriam, we must too't i'faith and seek our portion amongst the scratched faces. Who's that cais there? No? there was one called Mistress: I say who called Mistress, 'sblood I hope I am not drunk. I tell thee I smelled a voice here in my entry, 'sfoot I'll make it smell worse and'cheare it again. Sounds is hell broke lose? why Snail, though you can sing songs and do things Snail, I must not allow ye to creep into my wives cole-house, what Snail into my withdrawing chamber? Oh Snail, this is a hard case; no room serve your turn, but my wives cole-house, and her other house of of fice annexed to it? a privy place for her self, and me some times, and will you use it being a stranger? 'slight how comes this about? up sirrah and call your Mistress. Yes Snail, and beside I hear complaints of you, you're and old luxurious hummerer about wenches Snail, does this become your gravity sir? Lieutenant, fetch me a cole-sack, I'll put him in it and hang him up for a sign. Well Snail, at this Gentleman's request, (to whom I can deny nothing) I release you for this once, but let me take you no more thus I advise you. Hence, trudge you worser judge, go away. Go then, look all about the town for her too; come in Lieutenant, lets repose a little after our liquour. COme Lieutenant, this nap has set a nap of sobriety upon our brains, now lets fit here & consult, what course were best for us to take in this dangerous mansion of men life. I know it Lieutenant, say then what thinkest thou? we talked of employme ̄ to, of Actium, of honour, of a continued ̄ pany & so forth. Did we so Ass? 'Sfoot, Wertenberg thou drunk afore thou wentest to the tavern, that thou hast now forgotten it? Well sir, and so thou shalt be called still, and I Captain, though we never lead other company then a sort of quart pots. Why now th'art wise, and hast a mind transformed with main right, and to confirm thee, I will compare the noble service of a feast with the honourable service of the field, and then put on thy hand to which thou wilt. Exceeding nought. Thou sayest wisely Lieutenant, I will not then use the word nought, nor speak ill of either, but compare them both, and choose the better. If there were I care not, for to say true, the first model of a battle was taken from a banquet. And first touching the offices of both: for the general of the field, there is the master of the feast, for the Lieutenant General, the mistress, for the Sir giant Mayor, the Steward, for the Gentleman usher, the Marshal, for master oth' Ordinance the Sewer, and all other officers. Then for the preparation, as in a field is all kind of ar tillery, your Cannon, your Demicannon, Culverings, falcons, Sacres, minions, & such goodly ornaments of a field, I speak no hurt of em thou seest, I'll have nothing to do do with 'am. Beside other munition of powder and shot, and so for the feast, you have your Court, cupboards planted with flagons, cans, cups, beakers, bowls, goblets, basins and ewers: And more glorious show I wiss then the tother, and yet I speak no hurt of the other. Beside your munition of manchet, napery plaits, spoons, glasses and so forth; Then for your kitchen artilieri , there shall you see all your brass pieces mounted in order, as your beef-pots, your chaldrons, your kettles, chafingdishes, ladies, spits, a more edifying spectacle then your Cannon & Culvering, and yet I speak no hurt of them neither. Then sir, as in the field the drum, so to the feast the dresser gives the Alarm, Ran tan tara, tan tan tantara tan. First then sets forward a wing of light horse, as salads, broths, sauces, flewed meats, and other kickshores and they give a charge, then do the battle join Captain Capon in white-brith, Lieutenant calves head. Ancient Surloigne, a man of a goodly presence, and full of expectation, as you ancient ought to be, then have you Sergeant Piemeat, Corporal Conny, Lanceprizado Lark, Gentle men, Panbakex, & all the species of a company. Why now grows the fight hight man, now shall you see many a tall piece of beef, many a tough capon go down, and hee'rs the trial of a men stomach, all the while the Ar tillery plays on both hands, the Canons lay about them, the flagons go off, thick and threefold, and many a tall man goes halting off, some quite overthrown both horse and foot. That is, thy teeth water. In conclusion, as the remembering nant of the feast, (I mean such dishes as scaped the fury of the fight) if they be serviceable, are reserved to furnish out another day if they be maimed or spoiled, they are sent abroad to relieve prisons and hospitals. So the remainder of the fight, if they be serviceable, they are reserved to supply a second field, for the fragments of the fight, videlicet. the maimed soldiers, they are sent Like wise to furnish prisons and hospitals, how sayest thou now Lieu tenant, shall we to the feast, or to the fight? Tha'rt a my mind right, and so will we presently march on to the sack of the Emperors head, then to the May-night feast, and show at Signior Honorios, and there will be a wench there boy, a delicate young morsel, a kinswoman of Sig nior Honorios, and her father's only child, he a mighty rich Cla rissimo, and her shalt thou court, win her and wear her, thou hast wit at will. She shall be his heir, a mine honesty. She shall, and we could find her; Fannio has been abroad this hour to seek her: the Ass is stepped into some cor ner or other mourning for my absence. (Enter Angelo and Francischina in disguise.) See who comes here? Beware riot, dost thou mark Lieutenant? Upon my life the hindermost of them, is a wench in men attire, didst thou not mark beside his slabbering about her, her big thighs and her sp ay feet. 'Slife, the hungry knave her squire, could not hold in the open streets. The Doxy was muffeld in her cloak, I had but a glimpse of her; but 'slight I will know her, she passes not so, come wee'll follow. I'll beat the Rogue and take away's whore from him. Exeunt. How unhappily did we miss they? they slipped into some vaulting house, I hold my life. Twenty to one she is some honest men wife of the Parish that steals abroad for a trimming, while he sits secure at home, little knowing, God knows, what hangs over his head; the poor Cuckold esteeming her the most virtuous wife in the world. And shoude one tell him, he had seen her dressed Like a Page following a knave thus, I'll lay my life he would not believe it. Mercy for that i'faith Lieutenant, stand close. (Enter Fannio and Giacono) Not a word for the world, for if we should take notice of his words the slave would deny all, leave it to me to sif it in priva e. Now sir, what news with you? where's your Mistress, that you range thus at your pleasure? Come forward you rogue you: come forward, whi there creep you behind so? where's your Mistress sir? Very well sir, come Lieutenant, go you afore, and do you follow him sir. It'll be rare sport; Lieutenant, that sweet wench in the branched gown is the heir I told thee of. Oh no, you must not unmask. True, little knows she I am so near her; I'll single her out, and try what entertainment a stranger may find with her. A noble rogue, 'Sfoot Lieutenant, wilt thou suffer thy nose to be wiped of this great heir ? 'Sfoot, how now Leonora? new fireworks? Look that you keep promise with me Lady, when will thy husband be from home? I very kindly thank you Lady. 'Sfoot, thou liest in thy throat, thou knewest me as well as my self. Why law, thy virtues have own her at first sighed, she shall not come to thee empty, for I'll promise thee that I'll make her able to bid any Gentleman welcome to a piece of mutton and rabbet at all times. Thow't visit sometime Dad. Why then strike hands, and if the rest be pleased, Let all hands strike as these have struck afore, And with round Echoes make the welken roar. Exeunt. I have examined the particulars of your bill Master Taylor, and I find them true Orthography, thy payment shall be correspondent: marry I will set no day, because I am loath to break. Thanks dad Honorio, and lives my little squire? when shall I see thee at my house lad? Afore you rogue, afore. Exeunt