LODOVICO

How now? what have we here? what a loathsome creature man is being drunk: Is it not pity to see a man of good hope, a towards Scholar, writes a theme well, scannes a verse very well, and likely in time to make a proper man, a good leg, specially in a boot, valiant, well spoken, and in a word, what not? and yet all this overthrown as you see, drowned, quite drowned in a quart pot. Aurelio, speak man, Aurelio? Oh speak, if any spark of speech remain. It is thy deer Aemilia that calls. Touch thee? sblood I could find in my heart to beat thee; up in a fools name, up: what a Scene of fop ry have we here? Up Cuckoe Cupid's bird, or by this light I'll fetch thy father to thee. Do so then, and I protest thou shalt never lick thy lips after my Kinswoman, while thou livest: I had thought to have spoken for that e, if thou hadst taken a man lie course with her: but to fold up thy self Like and Urchine, and lie a calving to bring forth a husband: I am ashamed to think on't: sblood I have herd of wenches that have been won with singing and dancing, and some with riding, but never herd of any that was won with tumbling in my life. I do it of purpose, to show how vain I hold thy disease, S'hart art thou the first that has shot at a wenches heart and missed it? must that shot that missed her wound thee? let her shake her heals in a shrows name: were she my Cozen a thousand times, and if I were as thee, I would make her shake her heals too, afore I would shake mine thus. 'Sdeath, if any wench should offer to keep poss sion of my heart against my will, I'de fire her out with Sack and Sug r, or smoke her out with Tobacko, Like a hornet, or purge for her, for love is but a humour: one way or other I would vent her, thats infallible. Marry, seek to help thy self then, in a halters name, do not lie in a ditch, and say God help me, use the lawful tools he hath lent thee. Up I say I will bring thee to her. She shall endure thee do the worst thou canst to her, I and endure thee till thou canst not endure her; But then thou must use thy self Like a man, and a wise man, how deep soever she is in thy thoughts, carry not the prints of it in thy looks; be bold and careless, and stand not sau tring a far of, as I have seen you, Like a Dog in a firm typot, that licks his chops and wags his tail, and feign would lay his lips to it, but he fears 'tis too hight for him: thats the only way to make her too hight for thee. He that holds religious and sacred thought of a woman, he that bears so reverend a respect to her, that he will not touch her but with a kissed hand and a timorous heart; he that adores her Like his Goddess: Let him be sure she will shun him Like her flave. Alas good souls, women of themselves are tractable and tactable enough, and would return Quid for Quod still, but we are they that spoile'em, and we shall ans were for't another day. We are they that put a kind of won tun Melancholy into they, that makes they think their noses bigger then their faces, greater then the Sun in bright ness; and where as Nature made they but half fools, we make they all fool. And this is our palpable flattery of them, where they had rather have plain dealing Well, in conclu sion, I'll to her instantly, and if I do not bring her to thee, or at the least some special favour from her, as a feather from her fan, or a string from her shoo, to wear in thy hat, and so forth, then never trust my skill in poultry while thou livest again. Exit. Yes, thou shalt now see me stroke my beard, and speak sententiously: thou tell st me thy little father is in hand with a great rich marriage for thee, and would have thee commit matrimony with old Gasparo, art thou willing with it? Then I perceive thou knowest him not; did he ne ver woo thee? Why thats the reason thou lovest him not, because thou takest in none of his valiant breath to inflame thee, nor vouchsafest his knowledge; I'll tell thee what he is, and old sapless trunk, fit to make touchwood of hollow, and bald Like a blasted Oak, on whose top Ravens fit and croak the portents of funerals; one that noints his nose with clow ed cream, and Pomatum. His breath smells Like the butt end of a shoemakers horn. A leprous scaly hide Like and Elephant. The son of a Sow-gelder, that came to town (as I have herd thy father himself say) in a tottered uffer coat, high shoes, and yet his hose torn aboue'em; A long pikestaff in his neck (and a tord in his teeth) and a uva et on his right shoulder, and now the cullion hath with Noverint universi eaten up some hundred Gentlemen: he must needs rise a Gentleman as 'twere out of their Ashes, or disparage a Gentlewoman, to make himself a Gentle man, at least by the wives side. Entangled? Nay if I thought twould ever come to that, I'de hire some shagrag or other for half a chickeene to cut's throat, only to save thy hands from doing it; for I know thou wouldst poison him within one month; love thee he will never, and that must be thy happiness: for if he do, look to be coop't up Like a prisoner, condemned to execution, scarce suffered to take the air, so much as at a window, or waited on continually by and old beldame: not to keep thee company, but to keep thee from company: thy pocket searched, thy cabinets ransacked for letters: ever in opposition, unless (Like the Moon) once a Month in con junction; wealth thou mayest have indeed, but enjoy it as in a dream, for when thou wakest thou shalt find nothing in thy hand; (Enter Gasparo) and (to keep my tale in goodness) see how all the ill that can be spoken of him is expressed in his presence. Now tell me whither thou wouldst make choice of him or a young gallant in prime of his choiceness; one that for birth, person, and good parts, might m ritoriously marry a Countess; and one to whom his soul is not so deer as thy self. (Enter Aurelio) For all the world such another as he that comes here now: mark him well, see whither Gasparo and he be not a little different. Exit A milia. How now? Sounds Aurelio? stay beast, wilt thou make such a blessed opportunity curse thee? I'll fetch her out to thee. Exit Lod. Here's a life indeed; what's he gone? passion of death, what a babe it's? I could find in my heart to jerk him, but temper me friendship, no remedy now; now wit turn his defects to perfection. Why Cuze he's quite out of sighed. By my life I commend him; why this is done Like thy self Aurelia, were she the Queen of love and would run from thee, fly thou from her; why now I love thee, for I see th'art worthy of my love, thou carriest a respect to thine own worth, and wilt express it with spirit; I dare say, thou lookest to have had him fallen on his knees, and adored thee, or beg his life at thy hands: or el e turned Queen Dido, and pierce his tender heart with sword full sharp; no faith wench, the case is altered, love made Hercules spin, but it made him rage after: there must go time to the bridling of every passion; I hope my friend will not love a wench a gainst her will, if she would have met his kindness half way, so: if she skit and recoil, he shoots her off warily, and away he goes: I marry Sir, this was a Gentlemanly partly indeed. Farewell Cuze, be thou free in thy choice too, and take a better and thou canst a Gods name. Exiturus. A word? what's the matter? I must needs after him, and clap him ath'backe, this spirit must be cherished. Why, nothing. Not for the world, leave him, leave him, leave him: you see he's resolved, hee'll take no harm and you, ne ver fear to embrew your hands with his liver I warrant you. This same riches with a husband, is the only thing in the world, I protest; good Gasparo, I am sorry I have abused thee i'faith, for my Cozens sake; how prettily the wretch came crawling by with his crooked knees even now: I have seen a young Gentlewoman, live as merry a life with and old man, as with the proudest young upstarted on'em all: farewell Cuze, I am glad th'art so wise i'faith. Away, away, and could not this have been done at first, without all these superfluous disgracings? Oh this same unhearty niceness of women, is good for nothing but to keep their huswife hands still occupied in this warp of dissembling. Well wench redeem thy fault, and write a kind letter to him presently, before this resolution of his take too deept root in him. Think me on nothing till you write: think as you write, and then you shall be sure to write as you think. Women do best when they least think on't. Meet him? dost thou think that I shall ever draw him again to meet thee, that rushed from thee even now with so joust a displeasure? Well th'art my pretty Cuze, and I'll do my best to bring him to thee again, if I cannot, I shall be sorry i'faith, thou wr't so injuriously strange to him. But where shall this interview be now. Slife, dost think I am and Ass? to what end should I tell him? he and I'll come wandering that way to take the air, or so, and I'll discover thee. By chance, by chance, and you shall at no hand see him at first, when I bring him for all this kindness you bear him. Very good: And if you endure any conference with him, let it be very little; and as near as you can, turn to your former strangeness in any case. Or if you think good, you may flirt away again as soon as you see him, and never let your late fault be any warning t'ee. Will you so Cozen fool? canst thou be brought to that silly humour again by any persuasions? by Gods Lord, and you be strange again, more then needs must, for a temperate modesty, I'll break's neck down from thee, but he shall do as he did to thee. Well Dame, leave your superfluous nicety in ear nest and within this hour I will bring him to this Tarrasse. Sblood how can he? can he come over the wall thinkest? Now a plague of your simplicity, would you dis courage him with prompting him? well Dame, I'll provide for you. Go to, no more ado. Exit Lodovico and Aemilia. I Have provided thee a ladder of ropes, therefore resolve to meet her, go wash thy face, and prepare thy self to die, I'll go make ready the ladder. Marry Sir, thats something uncertain, for it de pends wholly upon her father's absence, and when that will be God knows: but I doubt not it will happen once within this twelvemonth. Nay hark you, you are all upon the spur now, but how many lovers have served seven twelvemonths prenticeships, for the freedom of their Mistress favours? notwithstanding to shorten your torments, your man And gelo must be the mean, to draw the lap wing her father from his nest, by this device that I tell you. Enter Angelo. And so did I tell it him Angelo, I am a Jew else. This Angelo, he would have thee procure my old uncles absence from home this afternoon, by making him meet or pretending his meeting with his mistress, and thy sweet heart Francischina. 'Tis honestly said, which when thou hast perfor med, enforce us Exeunt. How now Angelo ? He will be with me presently Angelo, and here's a freshman come from Padua, whom I will powder with his acquaintance, and so make him and excellent morsel to rel lish his carouses. Stut, I'll complain of them man, they hunt me out and hang upon me, so that I cannot be rid on'em, but they shall get some body else to laugh at, or I'll turne'em over to our Poets, and make all the world laugh at'em. SEe Signior Gionanelle, here comes the famous Captain you would so feign be acquainted withal; be acquainted with him at your peril: I'll defend you from his swaggering humour, but take heed of his chea ting. Very well Sir, lets hear him. And will agree in the halter.—Save you Cap taine Quintiliano. No, nor you shall not be. Be and you dare Sir. I, dare. But who comes here? 'Sblood how thy trades men haunt thee. Nay pre thee Captain forbear. Not so sir, we will not partly yet, a carouse or two me thinks is very necessary betwixt us. Content. I have housed and lodged him in the Emperors head Tavern, and there I have left him glorified with his two gulls, so that presume of what thou wilt at his house, for he is out of the way by this time both ways. Thou art a notable villain. Not for the world. The Like to Signior Honorio, and hark you Sir, I must be bound with my uncle Lorenzo, and tell you a plea sant secret of him, so in no sort you will utter it. Why Sir he is to walk the streets presently in the likeness of Snail the chimney sweeper, and with his cry. I'faith Sir I take it for some matter of policy, that concerns town government. So sir when he comes forth do you take one corner to encounter him as I will do another, and taking him for Snail, imagine he went about stealing of City venison, (though he do not,) and make what sport you think good with him, always provided it be cleanly, and that he may still think he goes invisible. Scarce honest neither sir, but much good do it you, as it is, Alas sir, his sick stomach can abide no sweet meats, he's all for aye me, wee'll make the Jest relish well enough I warrant you: Lorenzo my uncle and old Senator, one that has read Marcus Aurelius, Gesta Romanorum, the Mirror of Magistrates, &c. to be led by the nose Like a blind Bear that has read nothing. Let my man read how he deserves to be baited. Slife, 'twere a good deed, to get boys to pin cards at his back, hang squibs at his tail, ring him through the town with basons, besnowball him with rotten eggs, and make him asham'de of the Commission before he scale it. How now Snail, how dost thou? Me thinks thy song is more hearty then 'twas wont to be, and thou lookest much better. Nay good Snail, lets talk a little, you know Rose mine uncle Lorensoes maid Snail! She complains of you Snail, and says, you're the bawdiest old knave in venery. Who are they Snail? I hope you do not mean mine uncle her Master; he's mine uncle and I love him well, and I know the old lickspiggot will be nibbling a little when he can come too't: but I must needs say he will do no hurt, he's as gentle as and Adder that has his teeth taken out. Marry sir I was asking him questions about one of them. Mine uncle Lorenzos maid Rose sir, and he will needs persuade me, her old master keeps her for his own saddle. True sir, and his great authority in the City, that should whip such unseasonable lechers about the walls of it. Faith sir he drew such a kind of tooth from him indeed. And arrant Rook by this light; a capable cheating stock; a man may carry him up and down by the ears Like a pipkin. Why alas, what should he do to him sir? the pa stur is so bore with him, that a goose cannot graze vpon't. Well, God be with your worships: chimney swee per, I thought I should never have be rid of them, (Enter Gasparo) Chimney sweep. What does he cry chimney sweep, and refuse to sweep they? Poor uncle, he begins to be melancholy, has lost his song among's Adue good Signior Honorio. Likewise to you sir. Alas poor uncle, I have mon strously abused him; and yet marvelous worthy, for he disparageth the whole blood of us; and I wish all such old sheepebiters might always dip their fingers in such sauce to their mutton; but thus will he presently be safe; for by this he is near his sweet hearts house, where he is Like to be entertained with worse cheer then we made him. Quintilliano is now carousing in the Emperors head, while his own head buds horns to carouse in; and in the mean time will my amorous friend and I, make both their absences shooing horns to draw on the presence of Aemilia. Exit. HEre's thy ladder, and ther's thy gallows, thy Mistress is thy hangman, and must take thee down: This is the Tarrasse where thy sweet heart tarries; what wouldst thou call it in Rhyme? Room for a passion. Nay you shall know, we have watered our houses in Helicon. I cannot abide this talking and undoing Poetry, leave your me ifluous numbers: yonder's a sighed will stea e all reason from your rhyme I can tell you; down of your knees you sl we, adore. Now lets hear you invocate, Oh the saple hammes of a lover, go to, do not, stand up close, for she must not see you yet, though she know you are here. Who calls Lodowick? The party? now a plague of your modesty, are your lips too nice to name Aurelio? He, which he? 'sfoot name your man with a miss chief to you, I understand you not. Aurelio? ord how loath you are to le any found of him come out and you, you hold him so deer within, I'll present her with a ight, will startle her nicety a little better; hold you, fasten the end of this ladder I pray. Go to you spirit of a feather, be not so soft hear ted, leave your nicety, or by this hemp I'll so hamper thy of fections in the halter of thy lovers absence, making it up in a gordian knot of forgetfulness, that no Alexander of thy allurements, with all the swords of thy sweet words, shall ever cut in pieces. Go to, tell me, will you fasten the ladder or no? Only my self will come up then. If I should swear thou wouldst curse me: take my word in a halters name, and make the ladder as fast to the Tarrasse, as thou wouldst be to Aurelio. Was there ever such a blue kitling? fasten it now or by heaven thou dost lose me for ever. I'faith with much ado: Lord, Lord, who has informed you of such a morous 1 page duplicate 1 page duplicate fervency in him: are you so confident in his kind ness? Your father? dost think we would venture all this prepa cion, and not make him safe? Am I sure this is Aurelio ? look upon him wench, is it not thy love? thy life? come sir, mount. Cuze, Cuze, thou hast acted thy dissembling partly long enough, in the most modest judgement, and passing nam turally: give over with thy credit then, unmask thy love, let her appear in her native simplicity, strive to conceal her no longer from thy love, for I must needs tell thee he knows all. Why all that thou toldest me, that thou lovest him more then he can love thee, that thou hast set up thy resolu cion, in despite of friends or foes, weals or woes, to let him possess thee wholly, and that thou didst woo me to bring him hither to thee: All this he knows; that it was thy device to prepare this ladder, and in a word, all the speech that passed betwixt thee and me he knows, I told him every word truly and faithfully Gods my Judge. Via, with all vain modesty, leave this colouring, and strip thy love stark naked, this time is too precious to spend vainly; mount I say. Sounds, wilt thou melt into rhyme a the tother side? shall we have lines? change thy style for a ladder, this will bring thee to Parnassus, up I say. Oh spurblinde affection, I have seen a fellow, to a worse end ascend a ladder with a better will, and yet this is in the way of marriage, and they say, marriage and hanging have both one constellation. To approve the which old saying, see if a new ladder make they not agree. That you herd, was but a mouse, so boy I war rant thee. What a poetical sheep is this? 'Slife, will you stand rhyming there upon a stage, to be and eye-marke to all that pass? is there not a chamber by? withdraw I say for shame, have you no shame in you? here will come some body presently I lay my life on't. Aurelio, Occasion is bald, take her by the forelock; so, so. In Hymen's name get you together, here will I stand Sentinel. This is the back gate to Honorios house, which shall be Aurelios, if God give him grace to weep for his father's death in time. And in this garden, if I could see the chaste Lucresse, or the affable mistress Temperance, I might (thus wrapped in my cloak) steal a little courtship through the chink of a pale. But indeed I think it safer to fit closer, and so to cloud the sum of my visnomy, that no eye discern it. (He sits down, and muf fles himself in his cloak.) So be it, thats my resolution. Now to my contemplation, this is no Pandarism, is it? No, for there is neither money nor credit proposed or expe cted, and beside there is no unlawful act intended, no not this same lasciva actio animi : I think for his partly, much less hers: go to, let me do my kinswoman, and her sex right, fit at rest with me then reputation, and conscience, fallen asleep with the world, but this same idle attendance is the spite of it, Idleness is accounted with other men a sin, to me it's a penance, I was begotten in a stirring season, for now hath my soul a thousand fancies in and instant, as what wench dreams on when she lies on her back, when one hen lays and egg and another sits it, whither that hen shall mother that chic ken? If my bull leap your cow, is not the calf yours? yes no doubt, for Aedificium cedit solon says the Lawyer: and then to close all comes in a sentence, Non omniam possumus omnes : for some are born to riches, others to verses, some to be bachelors, others to be cuckolds, some to get crowns, and others to spend'm, some to get children, and others to keepe'em: and all this is but idleness, would to God I had some scurvy poem about me to laugh at, (Enter Tempe rance.) but mark, yonders a motion to be seen. It's the stayed Madam Temperance, a pretty pinnace she has be in her days, and in her nights too, for her burr then, and reasonable good under sail, and see she hath dis covered a sail, see, see, she Hales him in, would? 'tis this way to the rewards, slight it's this way: I hope the baud knows not me, and yet I know not, she may be a witch, for a whore she was before I knew her, a baud I have known her any time this dozen years, the next step to honour then is a witch, because of Nature, for where the whore ends, the baud begins, and the corruption of a baud, is the generation of a witch. And Pythagoras holds opinion, that a witch turns to a wild Cat, as and old Ostler turns to and ambling nag. Enter Leonoro muffled in his cloak with Lyonell. So, now this riddle is expounded, this baud took me for this adventurer whom (twenty to one) she atten dead, to waft him into Lucretia's chamber, what a beast was I, not to apprehend this advantage, thus muffled as I am, she could not have perceived me till I had been in, And I might safely have stayed a while without endangering my lo vers: (Enter Temperance stealing along the stage.) 'Slight she takes me still for her first man. HOld, hold, I pre thee hold; I yield my rapier, Let my submission, my presumption salve. Oh the precious heavens: How was I guled? haud, hide thy self for shame. And henceforth have and eye before thy fingers. Nay, mix not cause of mirth with passion, Do me the grace unfold thy name and state, And tell me what my whole estate may do, To salve this wrong unwittingly I did thee? And set the plaintiff thoughts of thy hard fate In such peace, as my friendship may procure: And if I fail thee, let Jove fail my soul, When most this earth makes it needs help of heave ̄ . Do so sweet friend: a plague of Gingerly? Where is that stale and fulsome Gingerly, She brought me to a fury, I'll be sworn Rather then man or woman: a flat beating: I found her supposed mistress fast asleep, Put her to the touchstone, and she prou' a man. He waked, and with a more then manly spirit Flew in my face, and gave me such a dash In steed of kissing, of these licorish lips That still my teeth within them bled I swear He spits. Gengerly, Gingerly, a plague a you. He spits again. But now how does my lovers on the Tarrasse? Well sir, well, I would I had kissed almost your fa the backside so I had ne er known it. A plague upon you both, you scurvy hind, have you no gull but me to whet your wit upon? S'bloud & these rogues knew how I was deceived, They stout me into motley, by this light. A pox upon thee, tame your bald hewed tongue, Or by the Lord of heaven I'll pull it out. Patience worthy friend, he knows you love him for his knavish wit. Exeunt. I use no masking sir with my friends. With me sir? Would I might see his face, that durst say so much. Observe him well, he shoes his face that will prove it when thou darest. He charges me with dishonouring his mistress Lu retia. I only desire I may sir, and then will refer me to your censures. Good Uncle give me leave to answer my other accuser, and then I'll descend, and speak of your fornicati on, as the last branch of my division. I will sir; The ground upon which this man builds his false imagination, is his sighed of me at Honorios back gate, since dinner, where muffled in my cloak, kind Madam Temperance, the attendant of Lucretia, from the Tarrasse, uva ted me to her with her hand; taking me (as now I un derstand) for this honest Gentleman, I not knowing what use she had to put me to, obeyed the attraction of her signal, as gingerly as she bade me. (A plague upon her gingerly) till she locked me into Lucretia's chamber, where Lucretia lying asleep on her bed, I thought it rudeness to wake her; and (imagining when she waked she had something to say to me) attended her leisure at my ease, and lay down softly by her; when (having chaster and simpler thoughts then Leonoro imagines) because he measures my wast by his own) in the very coldness and dulness of my spirit, I fell suddenly asleep. In which my fancy presented me with the strangest dream, that ever yet possessed me. You shall know that by knowing the event of it. Me thought Lucretia and I were at maw, a game Uncle that you can well skill of. You will the more muse at my fortune; or my oh uersights. For my game stood, me thought, upon my last two tricks, when I made sure of the set, and yet lost it, having the varlet and the five finger to make two tricks. You shall hear; she had in her hand the Ace of Hearts, me thought, and a Coat-card, she led the board with her coat, I played the varlet, and took up her coat, and meaning to lay my five finger upon her Ace of hearts, up start a quite contrary carded; up she rises withal, takes me a dash a the mouth, drew a rapier he had lay by him, and out of doors we went together by the ears. No nor that time neither, though I pretended it; let him be fetched, I warrant you he will show as good cards as the best on you, to prove him and heir Male, if he be the el dest child of his father. How now sir? who wants gentility now I beseech you? New sir, who wants gentility? this is a gentlemanly partly of you to keep a wench in a Pages furniture? Nay, jest not at me sweet Gentles, I v'sd plain and mannerly dealing, I neither v'sd the brokage of any as you know who did Le noro, nor the help of a ladder to creep in at a wenches chamber window (as you know who did Aurelio. ) Nor did I case my self in buckrame, and cry chim ney sweep (where are you uncle?) but I was trained to it by this honest matron here. See Lordings, hers two will not let go till they have your consents to be made surer. Yet is here another nail to be driven, here's a virtuous Matron, Madam Temperance, that is able to do much good in a commonwealth, a woman of good parts, sells complexionn helps maids to services, restores maidenheads, brings women to bed, and men to their bedsides. Hath drinks for love, and gives the diet. For me, with a plague tee? 'Sfoot ma ters these be good parts in the old wench, wilt thou have her Lieutenant? sheele be a good stay to the rest of thy living, the gallants will all honour thee at thy house I warrant thee. Here's a coil to make wit and women friends: come hither wench, let me have thee single; now fit thee down, and hear good counsel next thy heart, and God give thee grace to lay it to thy heart. Oh no Sir, but for the general business of the City I take it.