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Full speech
Well, wag, well, wilt thou still deceive thy father, And being so simple a poor soul before him, Turn swaggerer in all companies beside? Well, thou hadst happy fortune to escape v . True, and your best fool Is your broad railing fool. Come, pray leave these cross capers, Let's make some better use of precious time. See, here's Cornelio: come, Lad, shall we to dice? He gulls his father, man, we cannot gull him. A before heaven I was much deceived in him: But he's the man indeed that hides his gifts, And sets them not to sale in every presence. I would have sworn, his soul were far from music; And that all his choice music was to hear His fat beasts bellow. Oh that his father saw these qualities! Why, we might tell him now. Foot, will you hear The worst voice in Italy? Believe it excellent. By heaven, Valerio, and I were thy father, And loved good qualities as I do my life, Idem disinherit thee: for I never herd Dog howl with worse grace. How now, my hearts, what, not a wench amongst you? 'Tis a sign you're not in the grace of wenches, That they will let you be thus long alone. Alas, alas, faith I have but the name: I love to court and win; and the consent, Without the act obtained, is all I seek. I love the victory that draws no blood. Why, the more jealous knave and coxcomb he. What, shall the shaking of his bed a little Put him in motion? It becomes him not; Let him be dulled and stald, and then be quiet. The way to draw my costome to his house, Is to be mad and jealous; 'tis the sauce That whets my appetite. I, by heaven, I am of that opinion. Who would steal Out of a common Orchard? Let me gain My love with labour, and inioy't with fear, Or I am gone. Why? is the Bull run mad? what ails h , trow? And why me, More then thy self, or these two other when ? You all have basted him as well as I. I wonder what's the cause. For look I cannot answer; I bestow them At large, and carelessly, much Like the Sun: If any be so foolish to apply them To any private fancy of their own, (As many do) it's not my fault, thou knowest. Is this the Cockatrice that kills with ? How dost thou boy? would? What, lingering still About this paltry town? hadst thou been ruled By my advice, thou hadst by this time b A gallant Courtier, and at least a Knight: I would have God thee dubbed by this time ertayne. Tush, 'tis more honour still to make a Knight, Then 'tis to be a Knight: to make a Cuckold, Then 'tis to be a Cuckold. God shield man: villain? What, wilt thou prove a villain? By this light thou dec yu'st me then. A scratch, a scratch. Foot, I know not. I know you not Sir, your name I pray? Pock the Surgeon, you're welcome Sir, I know a Doctor of your name master Pock. No do not Pock, let other stand a their arms, and thou a thy legs as long as thou canst. Faith Pock, 'tis a joint I would be loath to lose, for the best joint of Mutton in Italy. Well come Pock, weel talk farther on't within, it draws near dinner time; what's a clock boy? Is't true sir? Come in Pock, come, apply; and for this deed I'll give the Knave a wound shall never bleed: So sir I think this knock rings loud acquittance, For my ridiculous. A very necessary question, canst thou limit the time. God save you lovely Ladies. I am well pl asd. And now you sp ache of that, my Boy oh e li worser A pipe of Cane Tobacco with a p ce Of a vild B llad, and I'll swear I had A singing in my head a whole week after. Well Sir, here's to the Ladies on my knees. Tush man where are your dice? lets fallen to them. Let's have some Dice: I pray thee, they are cleanly Well Ladies here is to your honoured healths. Nay pray you, lets take it by degrees Valerio; on our feet first, for this will bring's too soon upon our .
Plot summary
Plot — All Fools
alerio and Fortunio are both in love, but the strictness of Valerio's father Gostanzo crosses them both: Valerio has married Gratiana in secret and must keep the fact from Gostanzo, who wrongly thinks him a model of virtue; and Fortunio loves Valerio's sister Bellanora but can gain no access to her. Rinaldo resolves both problems by tellingGostanzo thatGratiana is Fortunio's wife and that his father Marc Antonio, angry at not being consulted about the match, has disowned him. Gostanzo offers to take in the 'couple' until Marc Antonio's displeasure passes; there Fortunio will learn from Valerio's good example. However, when he sees Valerio behaving amorously with Gratiana, Gostanzo insists that she leaves. Rinaldo next lodges Gratiana with Marc Antonio, telling him the truth that she is really Valerio's wife and that the story about Fortunio was a blind to gull Gostanzo. Marc Antonio believes this at first, until Gostanzo persuades him otherwise; when Valerio seeks his forgiveness for his secret marriage, he thinks this a device to deceive Marc Antonio, and gives the couple his blessing. Valerio has been made to look a fool when Cornelio and Dariotto persuade him to sing and play for them. He gets even by spreading a rumour that Dariotto has cuckolded Cornelio, who wounds the courtier in reprisal and then sets about divorcing his wife. As he is signing the divorce papers, however, he gets a nosebleed and, thinking it ominous, defers it till the next court day. On being told that the whole affair was a ruse, he tricks the arch-trickster Rinaldo into bringing Gostanzo to the tavern where he sees his son drinking and gambling. He also learns beyond doubt that both his children have married without his consent: Fortunio has taken full advantage of his access to Bellanora. Cornelio is reconciled to his wife, claiming that he merely intended to frighten her with the prospect of divorce (and gave Dariotto the opportunity to cuckold him in order to have grounds). Valerio declares that cuckold's horns are endemic in the present age.