SMIRK

Keep back there, keep back, or I'll make your Leather Pelches cry twango else: for some of them I am sure I made them smoke so, that I feared I had set them a fire. Foh, some of them have drunk sour Butter milk this morning, mingled with Garlic, which crudden to gether, makes but a rank smell: and then they have their Christmas Shoes on, their old dancing Pumps, up to the middle Calf, keeps them so warm, that here'le be a Perfume for the Dukes own nostrils. By your leave Gentlemen. The best in the four Quarters: Look you, here's Cash, Gold and Silver, you must pay your Debts, purchase new Clothes, and come to Court instantly. Your Father is made and Earl, your Sister a Duchess, and you are a Count, or I know not what; and I am and Esquire: my Boy is a Gentleman, when I have him, as I am laying about for one. My Lord, as In am a Gentleman and and Esquire, I do reverence the very invention of your Honours next Suit: I'll help you to a Draper shall give you all your Men-Liueries, to make it of Cloth; my Haberdasher ha a new Block, and will find me and all my Generation in Beavers as long as we last, for the first handsel. Mad, or mad not, it's all one, I speak truth; your Father's and Earl, your Sister's a Duchess, you are a Count, or I know not what, I am and Esquire, and my Boy is a Gentleman, when I have him. My young Lord is in my mind to a thread for that. Bend to the Ladies: Alas poor old man, he talks— Look you my Lord, my Lord your Son is at ir. No, no, let the Surgeon look to him. To Laundresses and Lackeys made a scorn, And to all other people quite for lost. I left him condoling with two or three of his friends At the sign of the Lamentation. In the Salutation one way, and the Lamentation The tother—Here comes more abuse. Yes, I was to prefer one for putting down Pigs i'the Fair time. Why, a fellow that will undertake to find the Country people, and the people of the Fair, with good repast for three pence a meal. To stay till the good time, and take a whipping, With as much resolution as a man may take a whipping Not so my friend, well overtaken you may say, But I am in hast, therefore farewell. What are there rubs in the air, it's some little dandiprat, that I overrun, and ten to one he has broke his Nose a gainst my Pipkin, Where art thou? Here, where is that here. A Pox of these Flies, theile never leave sweet Mutton, but my friend, my friend, he's gone poor fell fellow again. I should know that voice. My young master Frederick and quondam Lord where are you? Something plays with my Nose I believe 'tis my whisking Muschatus, now I am come i'the wind. Marry I mean to live by it and purpose to set up my old trade again. From. Thy old trade, what's that? Why a Stainer, I have hired a Shop not far from Court. And I have painted the most horrible things that many men know not what to make of them, I drew Her cules a great while a go in the likeness of a man, and now every one says he looks Like a Lion. Then I drew Acteon hunted with his own dogs, & they say it's Like a Citizen pursued with Sergeants. Can I draw any thing into proportion; why, I will presently draw you backward or forward, a limb, twoo'd do you good to behold it. I would be glad to see your face in, if it please you to come out of the Cloud. I thank you sir, it will serve to exchange for a Coral for my son and heir when I have him. Here I am Sir. I know what the Proverb says, touch me and take me, and therefore I will keep aloft, Sfoot he is strucken put blind, he gropes Like a young Novice, the contrary way. What re these blind too? They are all blind, or else I walk invisible, I'll try that presently. Nothing but a Flesh-flye forsooth lighted up Pon your lips, the place is full of hem—Some-bo die has sprinkled invisible Virgins water upon me for I do go insensible. Here comes the two Eggs, I shall go near to crack their Crows, for the last abuse, but walking as I do, I will find out a better revenge. I would kick you again, but that I have Corns on my Toes, I will only pencil you now. And because you have so much knavery and want colour sor't I will begin with Orange tawny. I'll give you the Door too. Cause you are a Knight, you shall bear a Cross Nay, I'll put in too, for my would, would, would, would. This is a three men laughter. I am glad I have made you merry. No, no, kissing, I do bristle too much. No no, no more Rings, I shall think my self and Alderman, and grow proud then. If you know any Lady that deals in complexion you may do me a kindness to acquaint her that Smirk the servingman is turned a Painter. You follow me by sent, but never find me by sighed. I'll warrant you. Shall I, that's some comfort yet, to put the lose of the Ring out of my thought. Shall Ianswere the Epistoler? I'll Pistol and Pestle him, I'll warrant him, he was never so pounded in his life, I'll scorn to begin after my hearty commendations with him. Behold the man, with Pen and Ink provided. So nimble in rhyme, I'll first break your head in Prose, and afterwards whip you in Verse, I'll lambaste you in completes. Draw out your Pen and Inkehorne, I am for you. No, expedition belongs to Clerks, and not to See cretaries, celerity if you will. No more but so, a words enough. Why each of us is to indite and Epistle to our Mistress, is it not so? Then write. Et scripsi. I would it had been black and blue. I wonder what partly of her, is Goose- urd green: Thats a colour. I would a said the Queen or Empress. Oh abominable barren. I must say nothing, or else I would say something, but here it is shall shame thee. She would make and excellent Wassell-Bole. I have done. Well now let me run on, judgement I crave. Your forehead which I will neither compare un to Alabaster, nor to the Lily, but it is as it is, and so are both your eyes, for your Nose, it is a well arched Bridge, which for brevities sake I pass over: your Cheeks are Like a good Comedy, worthy to be clapped: your Lips, and your Teeth are incomparable; your Tongue Like the instrument of Orpheus, able to tame the furies: to handle every partly of you were too much, but some parti cular partly, no man can sufficient. No my good Lord, pray keep your bounties. From top to toe you are a sweet vessel of delight, I dare not say a Barrel, for oftentimes with much jolting, the Brewer beats out the Bunghole, and so the good liquour runs out, but you contain yours although not hoopt a bout with the old fashioned farthingale, but after the new fashion tied up with points, to untruss at your pleasure, In which pleasure I leave you, fairest of a hundred, and wittiest of a thousand: resting in little rest, till I rest who lie yours, in the Downbed of affection, where ever standing to my utmost, I rest all in all yours. This fellow talks as he thinks, and thinks as he talks, and talks what he knows. I wonnot repeat it over again, for the disparagement of my Wit: but what I say, I will maintain, what I maintain, I will say; and the very Bells' themselves shall ring it out Probatum. The dumb Lord's frighted, his hair stands and end. O, O. O, O. First take my tongue, and afterwards my heart. Kicked with disgrace, and turned out of the Court Both to the guard and black guard made a sport. The Carters, Colliers, and the Carriers cursed me The Porters pulled me, and the Pages pur me. Oh that I had been so happy to have lived and clefe wood i'the country, preached at the Buttery bar unto the Ploughman, and there have used my authority in Folio, when all the servants of the house should be drunk at midnight, Cum Privilegio. Learn to wind whipcord, and go hang my self. I, and the place were not privileged. Let them alone, and laugh at them. Yet he he gave me a bob i'the project. Why Sir, A cook will undertake to bake in a pasty Four oxen, without Buttor corner wise, Lamb and Mutton in the middle, All kind of Foul on each side, With their bills lying out to discover their condition, With which he will be bound to find the fair seven days, And give the over plus to the poor. Then I have another, for the crying of small Bear, from six i'the morning, till twelve at noon, for all that are Barnab . Nay, it would would gone forward, for all your high bloods would a countenanced it, yet it was thought there was a rich Milk-woman would a crossed it, and have brought it to posset drink i'the winter, and whay i'the Summer, and the Apothecaries would have joined with her, to have clarified it. I donnnot look for it, because it comes with a back blow, and there is no ward for it but Patience. I, but when affliction comes Like a Fury, with a whip in her hand, it's a before matter. This is the four winds driving of five Devils—This same Ring would feign give Me the slip, I must e'ne pocket him, for Fear of the worst. Why, do you see me? And you know not me, you know no body. But keep off my Lord. You see me you say, Duke I speak to thee. And you all see me. Shall I demonstrate matter of Art. And have nothing for my pains? Proclamations may say what they list, Something in hand does well. I, but no body hears not on that Ear, yet be cause I—wonnot do Royalty wrong, in suspecting your bounty—You see me you say. You do. Who sees me now? I will have Majesty call me first. Let me hear him uvia voice, Smirk is my name A well beloved subject, once a Painter, But now Esquire of the invisible Ring. See here I am, what wouldst thou mighty monarch I do command thee not to command me that, For from my invisible Ring I will not partly. Assist me my deer Ring, no hands upon me, For being invisible, I am a Prince, And being a Prince no hands is to be laid on me; Treason does never prosper. Oh, Oh, Oh. The cramps in my finger. My Ring is gone now, the devil go with it, for a my conscience he fetched it. I, I, and my middle finger, which served me for more use then all the rest. Illustrious, bright shining, well spoken, and blood stirring Lady. If the Rope of my Capacity, could reach to the Belfry of your Beauty, these words of mine Like silver Bells, might be worthy to hang in the ears of your favour but the Ladder of my Invention is to low to climb up to the Steeple of your Understanding. If it were not, I should ring out my mind to you in a sweet Peal of most savoury conceits. For your face it is Like the Sun, no man is able to endure it. Why then I'll take your little women. Said non feci, Stay a little, here's a couple of lines, a halter on them, they wonnot twist handsomely, go forward I have ended. Hum Drum, he has lightened within and Inch of a conceit of mine. I warrant you. Give me audience. In praise of little women I begin. And will maintain what I have entered in. Is not your Parochit or Marmoset In more request then your Baboon or Parret. Give but your little wench freely her liquour, And to bed send her you will find her quicker; Pearter, nimbler, both to kiss and cog, Then your great wench that'll lie Like a log. And he that all day at the Drum does labour, Would at night gladly play upon a Taber. I hope ther's no man, but of this belief, That Veal's more sweet and nourishing then Beef: Small meats is still preferred; for ask your glutton, Heel always say, Lamb's sweeter then your Mutton. Your Smelled then Whiting firmer is and sounder, Nor must your Place compare with your neat Flounder. In fish or flesh I'll prove it to each wight, A Larks leg, then the body of a Kite Is better far: our Bakers always make The finest flower in the lesser Cake. And I'll be judge by those that Roots do eat, That your small Turnip's better then your great. Who list to be resolved, let'hem both try; In that boleefe I live, in that I'll die. I donnot know how it comes about that I should be lost thus; villainous witchcraft will never be left, I am feign to give over my shop, but I had broke; howsoe ver my painting cloth was so rotten, it could not hold together, but the best is, I shall live Like a Gentleman, because I walk invisible, nay I am not only invisible to other men, but to my self: I went this morning to a loo king-Glasse, to be acquainted with this comely count nance, the devil of countenance there was to be acquain ted with; the Glass seemed to me Like a deep water, that I began to feel with my hands for fear I might a been drowned: But finding my self above ground, and hun her tumbling Like a Porpin in my Maw, and doing the Somerset in my Guts, I smelled a Surloin of Beese hight from the Spit followed the train close, set in my foot, drew my knife, sliced me off a Collop, clapped it upon a penny loaf, went me to a side Table, consumed it with out any body saying much good do you, or the Devil choke you. Set my lips to a Flagon of Beer, drunk twice with a breath, set it down again, took it up a gain, and drunk it as dry as a Biscuit: so that I perceive I cannot starve. And for clothes, it's no matter how I go, no body sees me. No body sees me, I come in Like the air, when Lords and Ladies stand waiting for this officer and to there officer, country gentlemen their pates broke, & city's zens wives thrust up and down in every corner, their husbands kept out with flame and Torch, glad to fetch a nap i'th Cloisters. I believe I smell the meaning, stand farther off, and give room to me and the Epistoler, you challenge all men to compose? Humh: Am I become a wretch again, and mortal? I am God in again, and have found the trick of it, thanks my deer Jem; a man may have and invisi ble Ring I see, and not know of it; I wondered that I grew palpable, now I perceive how the matter went: thanks my deer Jem, I say still, I will not loose this fin her that I have my invisible Ring upon, for the best joint at the Bars. Is this all the devices, sports, and delights, the Duke shall have for his money: the Proclamation promised reward for him that could show any varieties, and is't all come to a dull Masque? I'll show his Grace some sport my self, with help of my invisible Ring, which now must off again. By your Majesties leave, and the rest of the Honourable— What's he? Why he is the miracle of your Kingdom. I, and can do wonders—now you see me you know me. Very good, and I do see all you: but what's that to the purpose? I should be sorry else; for, and my invisible Ring should not keep his old virtue, I would hang my self directly. With figures or without figures, with sentences or without sentences. Nay, soft, so play fools, nothing is surer then gift.