WIDGINE

Why, if he have, he may thank such as you are, that can endure no jest. My name is Walter Widgine sir, not to be denied the only brother here of sir Philip Luckless his betroch'd. She is a Widgine born sir, and of the best family: Our Ancestors flew out of Holland in Lincolnshire to prevent peri cation. Like enough sir. My sister can tell you. Since, by mar riage, she was made a Fitchow: Her husband was Fitchow the civil Lawyer; He was called the great Canno r of the civil Law: because he could discharge or make report of every Canon therein; Canon after Canon, or Canon up on Canon at his fingers ends, as readily as I can tell these pieces. He had many rare parts in him, beside sir, as my sister can tell you. But all the good I can speak of him is, that he left my sister rich; or at least a reasonable estate, half a score thousand pounds or so: which she, with her self, bestows upon this honourable knight sir Philip Luckless, to be a La die of that name, and God give him joy. And for you: being his kinsman, I shall desire your nearer acquaintance. I and half a score Aldermen's fellows to boot: yet refused all for him. My sister can tell you more sir. Will you not call me brother? Two days hence when you have married my sister, you must. Must he not, Governor? He ails something. I some two years hence, mistake me not. I know I am but young yet: beside I mean to marry first as other young heirs do. And then towry lowry, faith, my noble Governor, and I! 'Twill be brave going into France then: I may learn half their fashions before I go, and bore so much, being taught at when I come there. Whats the mat ter Governor? thou Wertenberg not wont to be thus. Is thy money all gone? Heres five pieces to buy pomps against my sisters wedding. Pox on't I had forgotten. That scurvy surly gentleman angered him ere while, and put him out of patience. How the hight ome of his rage boils out at his Mouth If I durst go so near the heat of him I would skim the pot. I there 'tis, he will never come to himself till he Beatrice, or be beaten. I must venture on him. Nay Governor: pray thee consider.— I warrant 'tis my sister. She frowned, did she not, and looked fightingly? If she did, it's my sister, your wife that shall be. She will look so at you, I can tell you, or me, or my Governor, for all he is a Captain. She fears no colours I faith, to tell you true, she beat him once for a jest he broke upon her Monkey. Is it not she, thinkest thou? My Lady that shall be! how sweetly it chimes. Heres something for that word. Sister, where are you? My Governor and I are come to wait upon you in sir Philip Luckless coach. It waits at door for you; and what to do think you? Or else me no or elses, sister, you cannot guess it. And I was a fool to ask you the question, now I think on't. Sister, you are to be a Lady, within this half hour. Your knight is ready, so is the Parson too. My Governor here knows. There's a jest now: but she understands it not. He makes her and Infidel, a wild beast or a Monster, by that word Encounter; what do Knights adventurers encounter else? look all the Mirror over. Hee'll encounter her. Oh the wit of a Governor! Ever at the tail of his dee hear, I am sure to smell a jest: the fits come on him: By my faith, and he may do't. He is rich Gouer nou_r_; one of the best Ten i'th' hundred men about this Town. Nay, there you mistake Governor. A good man i'th City is not called of er his good deeds, but the known weight of his purse. One, whose name any Usurer can read without spectacles; One that can take up more with two fingers and a thumb upon the Exchange, then the great man at Court, can lift with both his hands; One that is good only in riches, and wears nothing rich about him but the Gout, or a thumb Ring with his Grandsites sheep mark, or Grannams butterprint on't, to seal bags, acquit tanc S and Counternanes. I it a cunning Herald could find better Arms for some of them: though I have herd r Paul Squelch protest he was a gentleman, and might quarter a coat by his Wives side. Yet I know he was but a Grazier when he left the Country; And my Lord his father whistled to a term of horses (they were his own indeed.) But now he is right worshipful, and I would I had his Niece unsight and unseen I faith for her moneys sake. You never herd me ask if she were fair or handsome, dee mark that sister? My father's rule right. And if I be not a true Widgine. (God forgi' me) I think he was none. I now you bring me to bed sister. He lives not that loves a Country thing Like me Alas none loves a Country thing l ke me. And though I am a Cockney, and was never further then Hammersmith; I have read the Country men common wealth; and can dis course of Soccage and Tenure, Freehold, Copyhold; Lease, Demeans, Fee-simple and Fee-taile, Plowing, Hedging, Diking, Grubbing, occupying any Country thing whatso ever; and take as much pleasure in't, as the best Clown born of 'h m all. Pardon me Governor. I do hear and not hear thee at this time. Governor, I know thou spokst a jest now, by thy dee hear: but prithee forgive me; I cannot applaud nor mark thee at this time. Nay, she is so vexed now I Dear sister to the Con trey Lass again. You said, she spoke and sung Northernly. I have a great many Southern songs already. But Northern airs nips it dead. York York for my money. Bishop, nor Bishopric shall hold her from me. S ster no more e, though I have never seen her. No Bishopric i'th' land from me shall win her. If you will go, and clap hands with your knight, come; I would see you matched first: because that will add some honour to the Widgine , when my self shall be brother to a Lady. I shall write first of that name. And then am I no sooner married, Governor, but we will set our travels a foot: to know Countries, and Nations, Sects and Factions, Men and Manners; Language and Behaviour. And so in height of compliment grow complete More goes to making of a Man, the meat. 'Tis indirectly sir if she be stolen. There your word fails you. My Country thing sister, that you promised me? Are you the Man si that must have her? Nay sister. I dare warrant you sister these are of his friends, that come with their Loves to congratulate his fortune. Speak Master Nonsense. A speech of your would do't. It this were to be put into Latin now. Which were the principal Verb. Did I not tell you. Brother I told you always she had hasty humours, and as unreasonable as heart can wish: but soon over. Now she's as mild as any Dove again. our Ne ce sir Paul, ods me I must go see her. sh ll? I will then. Who Gouer our: Look you sister. Look you hillip. Did nor I always tell you he was the wit the world? This was his own inven cion e be hanged else. Sweet Governor the conceit of the Willow, and why though wearest it? Excellent! the Bride's stolen to bed. A p tty M r ll A Woman's duty to lie down, and a Men love to get up. One may learn something of these old fellows every day. Take me with you good sir Paul to see your Niece. I find Master Nonsense here very indifferent, And I know will be the great r oy to her to match but into the family of sir Philip, of which I am a half Pill r now. Beside my sister made me half a promise of her in good says, my over ours my Witness, and I have loved her ever since. No, but isle be hanged if I did not love her Visor the best ere while, though I cou worser not tell whose it, nor which was which. He's me cholly me thinks. Slid my sister may lie long enough languishing for a Ladyship, if this fit hold him: for she has it not really till he go to bed and u her. Yes, isle go see for the Possets sake.— O Sir you are defeated. My sister hath fortified her lodging with locks, bolts, bars, and barricados. How now Gove nou_r_? what has angered thee? something troubles thy countenance. By this light, Governor? would you have fought by Candl -light. Ow'e-light. A good jest! Tried well upon Tridewell. He has wit in his anger. But Governor, laying your anger aside, let me be behol en to your wit in achieving this Northern Lass. Thy acquaintance with her must be the means. Pri thee go lie with me, and help me to dream ut some course. Nay look now thy fury blows so high thou dost not hear me. Oh Man passed example! Here, here. Thou shalt have anything— Nay sister. Oh governor, art here. Have you forgotten my name sister? would not Widgin become your mouth, as well? forget your natural brother's name? Foutre for sisters; I am not to meddle with and other men Wife. I am about one for my self. You mentioned her first to me. But I must be be held to others wits and means to compass her: or else— S ster, Wife, and a l, is a present nothing to this. Come rou worser Gentlemen Keep her but off, and let me alone. App e end a oh less head. Come into play. He that marries a merry Lass, He has most cause to be and; For let her go free in her merry tricks, she Will work his Patience mad. But he that marries a a Scold, &c. He that weds with a Roa king , that will both crat and Though he study all day to make her away, will be glad to please her at night. And he that copes with a sullen Wench, That carc will speak at ll, Her doggedness more then a Scold or a Whore, Will perpetr to his Gall. No blustering now good Governor: Prithee restrain thy fury. Thou canst never hear nor speak to that Gent. with any patience; and yet he is on our side now. Prithee let's lose no time. I never ong'd more for my mother's coming from a Christening, then to be at this Northern Lass.— I'll thank her with all my heart, and she shall never know on't. Fear no discovery Humfrey. Let me but see her, and I'll warrant thee. I warrant thee, and my Governor shall sir Philip me at every word; and if I do ot sir Philip her, better then ever she was Phillips in her life, then say I am no Legitimate Widgine. What's she doing. Ods me making a Baby I think Are you good at that i'faith? I'll be at that sport with you, it shall cost me a fallen else. What, what? And who's the father? le father it as well as he. I to a Boy or a Girl trow Would she would make a Christening Banquet while we are here. Hark she sings. Peace wayward Bairn; Oh cease thy more e: Thy far more wayward Daddy's gone: And never will recalled be By cries of either thee, or : For should we cry, until we die, We could not sc nt his cr elty. Ballow, Ballow, &c. H e ne ds might in himself foresee , What ccessiuely mightest be; And old he then, (though me forego) His Infant leave, ere he worser worser know, How Like the Dad would be the Lad, In time, to make fon Maidens glad Ballow, ballew, &c. How is this pretty Mrs. Con ance, that you complain of your Love before he be lost? Pray thee tell her Governor. I ha'not the heart to lie now. I come for the same purpose Sweetheart. I'll both father and keep thy Child, and make thee and honest Woman. Give me your hand before this Gentleman, and your Servant here; and say but the word; le get a Licence presently, fetch you away, and dispatch you to night. As for thy w dding Lass wee' do well enough, in spite ' the best of thy Kin. Governor; wilt thou believe me? It ee e pities my heart, to wrong so sweet a piece of simplicity. But Fortune has dressed her for me to seed on; and I'll fallen to. By my troth 'tis pretty. Sweet soul, thou shalt have thy joy again. I will joy thee, enjoy thee, and over joy thee. Governor let us fly about this business. I will not sleep, before I have God a License, stolen her away, wedded her, bedded her, and put her in her wits again. I'll warrant thee: for all Maids are mad till they be married. Sister fallen down, and adore me for my great at chieve meant. H msrey kneel down to her that she may dub thee for thy sernice. Never did the best nosed Dogs, that ever were coached for their goodness, hunt more truly, take more brave lie, and carry away more cleanly, then we have done this dainty piece of flesh here. Sister kiss her, and be better acquainted: she is mine own flesh, I'll uphold it. Sister come hither. Now hear and admire my wit; as well as my Fortune. Humfrey come and take thy share of my sisters wonder. Which we must not see unrewarded sister. Oh at first, she was the prettiliest mad that ere you saw. You your self can not devise to be so mad, as she was. And all for sir Philip, she would love none but sir Philip, speak to none but sir Philip. I told her I was sir Phil lip, (ah God a mercy Humfrey: that was thy invention.) Then the little Vip r hang upon me, not to be shaked off, till I promised her Marriage, and to father a Child, which, in her distraction, she conceited she had by me. I promised her any thing; so took her into and inner too me, to make all sure, as well within as without; and I so phillipt her— But I must have more, and shall never have enough on't. It passes your understanding and mine too, the delight of it. [Sing] O what a delight she gave me. And how light I am of ter Heigh. My pretty sweet Rascal. You do not love to hear on't, because you lack it. But you shall hear the Miracle it wrought sister. The lose of her Maiden head recovered her wits. I made her right and straight in and instant. And now she loves me in my own person; knows me for a Widgine, and will not give her What for the best sir Philip of them all. And longs for nothing but the Priest and Bed time. Would my sweeter and sweeter I My Gouer nour's gone sor a Licence. I'll undertake— That Humfrey, and I with the tricks and trinkets, we have about us will cure all the mad Maids of her standing in the Town. And do not think, but much may be got to pro fesse it. O I could live and die in this discourse sir. In and in sister, and be close enough, sear not— Sir if you will Metamorphose me out of a Batch lor, into a Bridegroom, I'll show you your Niece. Duck? my name is Widgi e, you mistake the man sure. Oh I am un one, quite cast away. Sister help me now with your Law wit, or I perish for ever. Most happily sir, sister alls well again. I have given her a hundred pound to relinquish her right in me. Which afore all these witnesses you do; do you not? Well then, I will not for swear to marry, But if ever I steal a Wife again, let her be a witch, and may I ourn with her for company. Governor, thou art out of countenance, and thou too honest Humfrey, me thinks. Come bear up. I forgive. It your errors, not malice. It S ll not needs good Humfrey. The match was not altogether her own seeking sir, though she refused two Aldermen for him, on my own knowledge. I, and we know not how many armed men in the next room. Hark Governor. My Lady! And brother Widgine! I must admire. Our house is raised by this two stories higher.— For me sister: have you found out a with e for me? have you? pray speak, have you? You may Mistress Constance; for as I am and honest man, I never meant to wrong you. Come Governor, we are agreed lets go that we may hie us again, and dispatch. She may perhaps, when she comes to her self, and finds me to be no sir Philip, be a little startled. But I mean the f st night to put so much of my own love into her, as shall work out his I doubt not, or any his that came there before me. For my partly I honour any Man, that marries my sister. Sir Philip, and my noble brother in expectation, I pray embrace my Governor, Captain Anvil, here; and give him and me our gloves: you shall find him worthy your acquaintance. He has wit, I can tell you; and breaks as many good jests as all the Wits, Fits, and Fancies about the Town, and has trained up many young gentlemen, both here, and in diverse parts beyond the Seas. He was dry nurse (thats one of his own jests upon himself) to the English youth, a dozen years together beyond Sea: And now he is my Governor, and I find profit in it: you cannot think what and ass I was before I met with him: And I mean to travel with him, two or three years hence, my self. In the mean time, he shall spend a hundred a year out of What Widgines purse. Shalt faith Governor, what ailest thou? art thou not right? He that marries a Scold, a S old, He has most cause to be m rry: For when she's n her fits, he may cherish his wits By singing heigh down derry. He's mad I think. Sir you forget my sister is a lady. Sweet heart, not a word of me till I come to fetch you off with honour. Poor heart she dotes. I do not know how much I am in debt to my conscience, till I have made her amends. —