FITCHOW

Well sir. And what said Master Luckless? The very same sir. But I begin to call him now, as I must call him hereafter. Ladies do not call their hus bans, as they are Knights: as sir Philip, sir Timothy, or sir Gregory. Did you ever hear my Lady Squelch call her hus band sir Paul? No. But master Squelch. Indeed all others must sir them by their Christian names; because they are Knights, and to be known from other men: only their own wives must master them, by their Surnames; because they are Ladies, and will not know them from other men. But to our business. What said he to you? Nay, What said you to him first? I love to hear things in order. As I bade you, Clotpoll? what was that? Shall I ever mould thee into a Gentleman Usher thinkest thou, that standest so? Come forward sir, and repeat. This was very well: word for word as I instructed. But did you worship him so much? Now sir. His answer? in his own words. Did he say so? Well Howdy get you down. And oe you hear Howdee? If sir Paul Squelch come, bring him up. I bade you learn to call me Madame. You shall forsooth Madame. 'Tis but a day to't; and I hope one may be a Lady one day before her time. In the mean time, let me study my remembrances for after marriage. Imprimis, To have the whole sway of the house; and all domestical affairs; as of accounts of household charges, placing and displacing of all servant in general; To have free liberty, to go on all my visits; and though my knights occasions be never so urgent, and mine of no moment, yet to take from him the command of his Coach; To be in spe ciall fee with his best trusted servant; nor to let one live with him, that will not bewray all his counsels to me. To study and practice the Art of jealousy; To feign anger, me lancholly, or sickn sse, to the life. These are Arts that woe men must be well practised in, ere they can attain to wise dome, and ought to be the only study of a widow, from the death of her first husband, to the second: From the second to the third, matters of deeper moment; From the third to the fourth deeper yet; And so proportionably to the sea uenth, if she be so long blessed with life: But of these I may find time hereafter to consider in order as they fallen. Beside, in all, to be singular in our will; to reign, govern, ordain laws and break them, make quarrels and maintain him; profess truths, devise falsehoods; protest obedience, but study nothing more then to make our husbands so; Con trole, controvert, contradict, and be contrary to all confor mity: To which end we must be sure to be armed always with prick and praise of the deceased; and carry the Inuen tory of our goods, and the gross sum of our Dowry per petually in our mouths. Then dos a husband tickle the spleen of a woman, when she can anger him to please him; chide him to kiss him; Mad him to humble him; make him stiff necked to supple him; and hardhearted to break him; to S to him up, and take him down, and up again, and down again, when, and as often as we list. I marry, now thou sayest well. Well said again. Tridewell! Oh it is Sir Phillips Kinsman. I have herd him speak much good of him; and entreated me to give him good respect; which were enough to mar his enter tainment, had I not another purpose of mine own, that may prove as ill. Bring him up Howdee. I that was very well. This Howde do I mean with a cast Gown to put in apparel, and make my Gentle man Usher; Not only for the aptness of his name, to go on my visits; but for his proportionable talon of wit and manners. Sir the name of him, you come from, is warrant suf ficient to make your welcome here: All that is here be king his. I understand you come from Sir Philip Luckless. Too well Sir? How mean you? Right Sir. and him only. Beshrew me but it is; and farther too Sir. He has all wooed and won me. This is pretty! Pray Sir deal freely with me. What respect Moves you to make this strong dissuasion? Is it your care of me? or love of him? And how this should proceed from care of me Falls not into my understanding Sir. Sir I have considered Before, and in your speech, and since; and cannot By all that can be said remove a thought. I loved him not for words: Nor will I use Words against yours: 'twere poor expression Of love to boast it. 'Tis enough I know it. Boaster's of love, how can we Lovers call, When most of such love one no more then all. Nor would I have you to expect a railing, To say you basely wrong the Gentleman: A way so common, common women use it. But this Sir I will say, I were too blame If I should think your love to him were less Then the great care of me, you seem to urge, As you pretend it is. You are his Kinsman nearly; and reputed, By his own mouth, his best of chosen friends; My selse and utter stranger, one from whom You never had, or can expect least good. And why you should, for a respect so contrary, Call my poor wit in question to believe you, Is most unconscionable. Nor will I foudly think you meant to seek, Crossing his Match, to make it for your self: Both for my known unworthiness; and your Depraving him being no possible way To make me think the better of your worth. But I forgive, and charitably think All this brought no ill purpose; pretty Pageantry Which may hereafter, among our marriage mirth, Fill up a Scene: for now I'll take no notice. Indeed I will not: you may, if you please, And tell your Cuz how haynously I take it. Sir I have, enough. And crave but leave to speak this little to you, Which shall by heaven be uncontrolled as Fate. If I shall find him bade, I'll blame my fortune: Never repent or thank you for your counsel. If I shall find him good; and all this false, Which you so violently have urged against him; I'll love him never the more, nor you the worse: For I am not so poor, nor weakly spirited, That should all friends to whom my faith is bound, Say on their knowledge, that all this were true, And that one hours protraction of our Marriage Should mak't appear, that I would give allowance To all their bugbear reasons, to defer That hour the uniting of our hands: because Our hearts are linked by the Divinest laws. What ails the Gent? Sir How dee? Not you Sir. You are not well Sir. Sir. You are not going Sir? Gone in a dream Well, I perceive this juggling. This strain was only to explore the strength Of my affection to my luckless Knight. For which, if both their Cunnings I not fit, Let me be called the barren wife of wit. The strangeness of this Gentleman's Actium will not out of my mind yet. Sir Philip could not but have a hand in it. Do's he repent his bargain already; and desire to be quit with lose of his earnest? 'Tis but his faith and troth. I can not tell. Perhaps to invite me forth into the air of ideparke or Maribone; or else— That was well remembered brother. This sudden importunity confirms my former doubt: He thinks his Scarecrow will make me keep off now; but he is cossend. Well sir. He shall find me obedi ent to his hand. I am in all prepared to meet his purposes; Though, Brother I had thought to had conference this Mor ning with sir Paul Squelch touching a match for you. And a good match too brother; Sir Paul's Niece: on whom, he, being childless, means to bestow a large Dowry. He is a right good man. Within there. En. Howd. Bid Flaps your fellow bring my Fan and Masque. But she is very fair brother, and very handsome and the prettiest innocent country thing withal. Do I want nothing here? But where's my Wimple forsooth? And she is very young, above fifteen, brother. How this fellow stays! Go you. And sings, and speaks so pretty northenly they say. What make S you stay so? I fear you have been among my sweet meats. Is this my Wimple? Do you bring Carpenters tools to dr sse me withal. I sh ll teach you to know a difference between gentlewomen's gear and Carpenters tools. I shall Yes brother she is Northern, and speaks so: for she has ever lived in the Country, till this last week, her Uncle sent for er up to make her his child, cut of the Bish oprick of Durham. And brother— You had been chiefly sir invited, had we not stolen a day fr Time, to have done a athers partly at Church, to which the r absence, I entreated our worthy friend Mr: App he sion Bulfi changed ere. She is not here sir. Is she Howdee? Good sir Paul, I have not seen you thus worser m perd. What a flicts you? Who your young Niece that came la y out of the Country? Had you spared this Protestation, Sir, you might have dissembled your love to me the better. 'Tis said sir. Some of your old companions have bro ght you a fit of Mirth. But if they enter to make a Tavern of my house, isle add a voice to their consort shall drown all their fiddling. What are they? Lock up the doors, and keep them out. Shall I not be Master of my own house? Passion of my heart. M. Nonsense, you have preuaid. You see Jam content. But what I purpose, Fate shall not prevent. You wrong your honour sir, your most humble Handmaid. I never saw him before this day, nor he me. These are tricks and studied fooler es to abuse me— Are you so sensible of her lose?— Out of my doors thou Miscreant. Avoid my house, and that presently, I'll claw your skin off after your Livery else, and make you so much nakeder then time makes all other serving Creatures. Am I ieerd? flouted to my face? Is this fit usage for a Wife? A Husband? a Hangman. Am I scorned and reviled? Made a property for laughter? Have I no friend, no Servant to command? Has my Ladyship made me so lamentable a thing, that I have lost the power of a Mistress? You sir, run and call some friends to succour me, or I'll thratle you. What will become of me? you, Woodcock, Nini hammer. Can you call me sister, and see me abused thus? Oh scorn upon scorn, torment upon torment. Let me rather be buried alive then bear this. She gets lose. Slaves, Rascals, get ye all out of my doors. By virtue of my nails, I cham g ye. e not leave and Eye a No e amongst ye Sir I would e per ed humanity in you and do love it in you. But I know not what to do, nor whom to hear. I am fallen unto the pit of bondage, and will take any course for my Redemption. O Master Bulfinch. It relish a little do much of womanly lfulnesse I confess. But all my wilfulness (that I'll promise you sir) shall die in the end of this business. May I belceue it, Good sir? may I be so happy, that my brother has her? Hang him Clod. My will shall be a portion sum ficient to my brother, I care not, though he give her not a penny, so What has the Wench. But the other side must be summoned by process. It time you found me sir; you might ha'mistaken my name else. F r within this heure, m ght have retum ed the ancient title of your friend, and Awdery F tchow. Where are your wits si ? you come upon me ind worser What Niece? What's the matter? Sure the old Gentleman is fallen mad. What hath hap pend? Your re and uncivil greasy Counterfeit panion, to upbraid and revile me thus in my own house. He makes me forget my self by his example. Sir you are a Commissioner for the Peace I take it. Do's it become a M n of you place and gravity, to fly out in these extremes? You spend too much breath in these loud notes, very hurtful to the Lungs, If you will fallen into a lower Key, and speak peaceably, I will answer you. Will you believe me sir? you may: For 'tis Truth, as I have any; And before this worthy Gentleman; I never saw your Niece in my life; only I have herd she is a pretty Gen evvoman: likely to make a good Match, for which I told my brother of her, and would have treated with you for her, cou worser I have spoken with you as I wished by two or three Mess ges. But whither my brother has God her, or wh r he, or she is of my own knowledge, I cannot say directly. Well my Lord Innekee pers second Son: Do's your Pro endear prick you? Oh to you Currycomb. How pray? Would, would, would. Much the better, that it vexes him so: Scurvy foul unouth'd fellow. Being your flesh brother, her nearest affinity of blood runs in my veins. Therefore with a sisters love I embrace you, and bid you welcome. I know it is she by her tongue, though I never herd her before. Nor ever fear sweet sister, we shall be all friends shortly. No: I mean to give him my Maid, and a hundred Marks with her, beside all she has about her. Well said Howdee: for my Ladyship is eene at the last gasp. I am to be Divorced within this half hour. But your proceedings brother? How did she receive you at first? I thank you sir. Enough brother, no more. I understand you. Enough I say. So, would you done now? Yet again. I will instantly along with you. Hewdee come you with me. Brother, the search hath passed this house already. You any go in with your Sweetheart, and stay here safely. Go in, and keep close, till I send to meet me at Supper. Now sir when you please. This is not to be endured: cheating, and vile abuse, This contract can not be lawful. One person mistaken for another a lawful impediment to be diuore'd for, though they were married. I say this is no lawful contract: And though we are le galley divorced, yet neither he nor I may lawfully marry, while w both live, having been lawfully married. And till you can dis prove that, sir I'll forbid your Banes good sir Philip, and lay your Hope's a cooling, friendly Master Tridewell, for your love in manam ging this business. Sir you cannot enjoy me, not he her, less you can disprove the lawfulness of our former Marriage. 'Tis not so long since, but I can remember his face. Would you do this Master Tridewell? No sir. First get my brother free of his contract, and then a Licence with your own name, and I'll wait on you to Church, as soon as you will. Gentlemen, you now know the calamity I suffer un der. And you have sh wed me the best way to comfort: for which I thank you. I have given you my resolution for a Di vo ce, upon condition. Before which, I must promise you no thing sir. But I assure you in the mean time, you stand prime in my affection: for I have in all found you a right worthy Gentleman. Sir, I will make good more then I now may promise. O how am I wronged. Sir I am wrong b yond e pression. This Gentleman is and eye witness of my sufferings. Pray come in Sir. I will hear your counsel together with this Gentleman's advise. It is. But is not he a lawful Minister; I would know that.