LETOY

Why broughtest thou not mine Arms, and Pedigree Home with thee Blaze, mine honest Heralds, Painter? But has he gone to the root, has he derived me, Ex origine, ab antiquo ? has he fetched me Far enough Blaze ? Iefrey Letoy, it he, from whom the English Letoy's have our descent; and here have took Such footing, that we'll never out while France Is France, and England England, And the Sea passable to transport a fashion. My ancestors and I have been beginners Of all new fashions in the Court of England From before Primo Ricardi Secundi Until this day. Mark the end, I am without a precedent for my humour. But is it spread, and talked of in the town? They hunt the Dear, the Hare, the Fox, the Otter, Polcates, or Harlots, what they please, while I And my mad Grigs, my men can run at base, And breath our selves at Barleibreak, and dancing. And now I am here i'th city, Sir, I hope I please my self with more choice home delights, Then most men of my rank. Sir, I have For exercises, Fencing, Dancing, Vaulting, And for delight, Music of all best kinds: Stageplays, and Masques, are nightly my pastimes. And all within my self. My own men are My Music, and my Actors. J keep not A man or boy but is of quality: The worst can sing or play his partly o'th' Viols, And act his partly too in a Comedy, For which I lay my bravery on their backs; And where another Lord undoes his followers, J maintain mine Like Lords. And there's my bravery. Now tell me Blaze, look these Like Pedlars men? I tell thee, These lads can act the Emperor's lives all over, And Shakespeares Chronicled histories, to boot, And were that Caesar, or that English Earl, That loved a Play and Player so well now living, I would not be out-vyed in my delights. I love the quality of Playing I, J love a Play withal My heart, a good one; and a Player that is A good one too, with all my heart: As for the Poets, No men love them, I think, and therefore I write all my plays my self, and make no doubt Some of the Court will follow Me in that too. Let my fine Lords Talk of their Horse-tricks, and their Jockies, that Can out-talke them. Let the Gallants boast Their May-games, Play-games, and their Mistress's, I love a Play in my plain clothes, I, And laugh upon the Actors in their brave ones. Ent. Quailp. Well, well, Be you as ready with your grace as I Ex. Quail. Am for my meat, and all is well. Blaze we have rambled From the main point this while, it seems by his letter, My Doctor's busy at thy house. I know who's there, Beside, give him this Ring, Tell him it wants A finger: farewell good Blaze. I'm not ambitious of that title Sir, No, the Letoy's are of Antiquity, Ages before the fancies were begotten, And shall beget still new to the world's end. But are you confident of your potion doctor? Sleeps the young man? Well Sir my Actors Are all in readiness; and I think all perfect, But one, that never will be perfect in a thing He studies; yet he makes such shifts extempore, (Knowing the purpose what he is to speak to) That he moves mirth in me above all the rest. For I am none of those Poetic furies, That threats the Actors life, in a whole play, That adds a sillable, or takes away. If he can frible through, and move delight In others, I am pleased. The same. Do, put him to't: I use't my self sometime. Well to the business. Hast wrought the jealous Gentleman, old Joyless, To suffer his wife to see our Comedy. And I will help her in't. Go fetch them then, while I prepare my Actors. Ex. Donc. Within there hoe? 1 This is my beard and hair. 2 My Lord appointed it for my partly. 3 No, this is for you; and this is yours, this gray one. 4 Where be the foils, and Targets for the women? 1 Here, can't you see? What a rude coil is there? But yet it pleases me. 1 You must not wear that Cloak and Hat. 2 Who told you so? I must. In my first Scene, and you must wear that robe. What a noise make those knaves? come in one of you: Are you the first that answers to that name? Why are not you ready yet? What I pray with your grave formality? Well sir, well: There they be for you; I must look to all. Trouble not you your head with my conceit, But mind your partly Let me not see you act now, In your Scholastic way, you brought to town with ye With see saw sack a down, Like a Sawyer; Nor in a Comic Scene, play Hercules furens, Tearing your throat to split the Audients ears. And you Sir, you had God a trick of late, Of holding out your bum in a set speech; Your fingers fibulating on your breast, As if your Buttons, or your Band-strings were Helps to your memory. Let me see you in't No more I charge you. No, nor you sir, in That over-action of the legs I told you of, Your singles, and your doubles, Look you—thus— Like one o'th' dancing Master's o'the Bear-garden; And when you have spoke, at end of every speech, Not minding the reply, you turn you round As Tumblers do; when betwixt every feat. They gather wind, by firking up their breeches. I'll none of these, absurdities in my house. But words and Actium married so together, That shall strike harmony in the ears and eyes Of the severest, if judicious Critics. Go, be ready: But you Sir are incorrigible, and Take licence to your self, to add unto Your parts, your own free fancy; and sometime To altar, or diminish what the writer With care and skill composed: and when you are To speak to your coactors in the Scene, You hold interlocutions with the Audients. Yes in the days of Tarlton and Kempe, Before the stage was purged from barbarism, And brought to the perfection it now shines with. Then fools and jesters spent their wits, because The Poets were wise enough to save their own For profitabler uses. Let that pass. Tonight, isle give thee leave to try thy wit, In answering my Doctor, and his Patient He brings along with him to our Antipodes. Leave that sir to th'event. See all be ready: Your Music properties, and — Blaze when he comes shall serve. Go in. Ex. Byp. My Guests J hear are coming. They're welcome, And you in the first place sweet Mistress Joyless. You wear my ring J see; you grace me in it. J sent it as a pledge of my affection to you: For J before have seen you, and do languish, Until J shall enjoy your love. Next Lady—you—J have a toy for you too. Prettily answered! I make you no stranger Kind Mistress Blaze. Honest Blaze, Prithee go in, there is and Actor wanting. Thou shalt say nothing. Return I pray slight not so my courtesy. J will not Be so dishonoured; nor become so ill A master of my house, to let a Lady Leave it against her will; and from her longing; J will be plain wi'yee therefore: If your haste Must needs post you away, you may depart, She shall not not till the morning for mine honour. 'Tis time we take our seats. So if you'll stay. Come fit with us, if not, you know your way. Here we may fit, and he not see us. This had been well now, if you had not dreamed Too long upon your syllables. Ex. Prol. Yes Lady, this was Prologue to the Play, As this is to our sweet ensuing pleasures. Kiss. You, and your Lady, you Should have said Puppy. Good! hold up That humour by all means. Right. And old men give their young wives Like licence. Peace master Joyless, you are too loud. Good still, Good, Now mark that fellow, he speaks Extempore. Love; yes, and lie with him, as her husband do's With's maid. It is their law in the Antipodes. Come; you are moved I see, I'll settle all; But first, prevail with you To taste my wine and sweet meats. The Comedians Shall pause the while. This you must not deny me. Exit. YEt, Mr. Joyless, are you pleased? you see Here's nothing but fair play, and all above board. All shall be short. Pox o'thy jealousy. Because I give thy wife a look, or word Sometime! What if I kiss (thus) I'll not eat her. And for my Actors, they shall speak, or not speak As much, or more, or less, and when I please, It is my way of pleasure, and isle use it. So fit: They enter. Flourish. A Lawyer, and his Client there, a Poet. Yes, Poetry is good beware In the Antipodes, though there be some ill payers, As well as here; but Law there rights the Poets. Better than ours do Custards; but the worst Pay-masters living there; worse than our gallants, Partly for want of money, partly wit. O— 'Tis a precise tone he has God among The sober sisterhood. Do not mind him. He thinks The more; the Poets in the Antipodes, Are slow of tongue, but nimble with the pen. They are all so In the Antipodes. A kiss for thy conceit. Yes; that has taken up the newest fashion Of the towne-militasters. Very well acted that. You shall see that anon — You're something near the subject. The Beggars are the Most absolute Courtiers in the Antipodes. You are deceived. Fie Master Joyless, you're too fowl. Now I protest Fit and fit civilly, till the play be done, I'll lock thee up else, as I am true Letoy. The moral is, the Lawyers here prove beggars, And beggars only thrive by going to law. They send it all Up to our lawyers, to stop their mouths, That curse poor Clients that are put upon they. In forma Pauperis. Usurers, Usurers. Yes Usury goes round the world, and will do, Till the general conversion of the Jews. Soldiers, and Courtiers chiefly; And some that pass for grave and pious Churchmen. Why do you not enter, what are you asleep?— Sirrah be brief, be not you now as long in Telling what he saw, as he surveying. Let him enjoy his fancy. I see th'event already, by the aim Letoy whispers With Barbara. The Doctor takes, proceed you with your play, And let him see it in what state he pleases. Prithee do so, Good Mistress Blaze ; go with her gentle Lady to Marth. Do as she bids you, you shall get a child by't. You're instructed. Now whats the matter? Fit, the Actors enter. Flourish. No 'tis the City Governor, And the chief Judge within their Corporation. Yonder's a king, do you know him? Dismiss the Court, cannot you hear the prompter? have you lost your ears, Judge? None in the world so loving. No, no, take mine my Liege. Give it him. Come Sirs quickly. Ent. 5. or 6. Courtiers. He must not see You yet; I have provided otherwise For both you in my Chamber, and from thence Wee'll at a window see the rest oth' Play, Or if you needs sir will stay here, you may. Peace both of you, or you'll spoil all. Pox o'your mumbling chops; is your brain dry? Do you pump? Would you could hold your peace So long. Blockehead. Heyday! The rest will all be lost, we now give over The play, and do all by Extempore, For your sons good, to sooth him into's wits. If you'll mar all, you may. Come nearer coxcomb, Would you forgotten (puppy) my instructions Touching his Subject's, and his marriage? So, now he's in. Fit still, I must go down And set out things in order. Ex. So, so, so, so, this yet may prove a cure. And Letoy's wit cried up triumphant hoe. Come master Joyless and your wife, come down Quickly, your parts are next, I had almost Forgotten to send my chaplain after them. You Domine where are you? What in that shape? It is sir, and the Play for this time. We Have other work in hand. Go shift your coat sir, or for expedition, Cover it with your own, endue to your function. Folly's, as well as vices, may be hid so: Your virtue is the same; dispatch, and do As Doctor Hughball shall direct you, go. Now Master Joyless, do you note the progress And the fair issue likely to ensue In your sons cure? observe the Doctors art. First, he has shifted your sons known disease Of madness into folly; and has wrought him As far short of a competent reason, as He was of late beyond it, as a man Infected by some fowl disease is drawn By physic into and Anatomy, Before flesh fit for health can grow to rear him, So is a madman made a fool, before Art can take hold of him to wind him up Into his proper Centre, or the Medium From which he flew beyond himself. The Doctor Assures me now, by what he has collected As well from learned authors as his practice, That his much troubled and confused brain Will by the real knowledge of a woman, Now opportunely taken, be by degrees Settled and rectified, with the helps beside Of rest and diet, which he'll administer. Right, right. The better, fear't not, Bab Blaze shall give her Counsel; and the youth Will give her royal satisfaction, Now, in this Kingly humour, I have a way To cure your husbands jealousy my self. That you must pardon: Come Mr. Joyless. The new married pair Are towards bed by this time we'll not trouble them But keep a house-side to our selves. Your lodging Is decently appointed. By My Lordship but I will for this one night. See sir, the Keys are in my hand. You're up, As I am true Letoy. Consider, Sir, The strict necessity that ties you to't, As you expect a cure upon your son— Come Lady, see your Chamber. Yet, yet, I prithee yield. Is it my person That thou despisest? See, here's wealthy treasure, a table set forth, covered with treasure. Jewels, that Cleopatra would have left Her Marcus for. Had stout Tarquin Made such and offer, he had done no Rape, For Lucrece had consented, saved her own, And all those lives that followed in her cause. Wouldst have gold? Mammon, nor Pluto's self should overbid me, For ill give all. First, let me rain a shower, To outvie that which overwhelmed Danae ; And after that another; a full river Shall from my chests perpetually flow Into thy store. Deniest thou wealth? wilt thou have pleasure then Given, and taken freely, without all condition? I'll give thee such, as shall (if not exceed) Be at the least, comparative with those, Which Jupiter God the Demigods with; and Juno was mad she missed. Lastly. Wilt thou have honour! I'll come closer to thee; (For now the Flames of Love grow higher in me, And I must perish in them, or enjoy thee) Suppose I find by Power, or Law, or both, A means to make thee mine, by freeing Thee from thy present husband. This is not yet the way. You have seen Lady, My ardent love, which you do seem to slight, Though to my death, pretending zeal to your husband. My person, nor my proffers are so despicable, But that they might (had I not vowed affection Entirely to your self) have met with th'embraces Of greater persons, no less fair, that can Too, (if they please) put on Formality, And talk in as divine a strain, as you. This is not earnest, make my word but good, Now with a smile, isle give thee a thousand pound. Look of my face—Come—prithee look and laugh not— Yes, laugh, and darest—Dimple this cheek a little; I'll nip it else. How can this be? so young? so vigorous? And so devoted to and old men bed! Yes, but of better metal: A jealous old man too, whose disposition Of injury to beauty, and young blood, Cannot but kindle fire of just revenge In you, if you be woman, to requite With your own pleasure his unnatural spite. You cannot be worse to him than he thinks you, Considering all the open scorns and jeers You cast upon him, to a flat defiance; Then the affronts I gave, to choke his anger: And lastly your stolen absence from his chamber: All which confirms (we have as good as told him) That he's a Cuckold, yet you trifle time, As 'twere not worth the doing. No: not unstained by your leave, if you call Unchastity a stain. But for his yellows, Let me but lie with you, and let him know it, His jealousy is gone, all doubts are cleared, And for his love and good opinion, He shall not dare deny't. Come; be wise, And this is all: all is as good as done To him already: let't be so with us; And trust to me, my power, and your own, To make all good with him—If not: Now mark, To be revenged for my lost Hope's (which yet I pray thee save) I'll put thee in his hands, Now in his heat of fury; and not spare To boast thou art my Prostitute; and thrust ye Out of my gates, to try't out by your selves. She is invincible! Come isle relate you to your husband. she has taken all I mean to give her sir Now sirrah, speak. Come Joyless, I have pity on thee; Hear me. I swear upon mine honour she is chased. I prithee Hear me. I tried and tempted her for mine own ends, More then for thine. And had she yielded, I not only had Rejected her (for it was never my purpose, (Heaven I call thee to witness) to commit A sin with her) but laid a punishment Upon her, greater then thou couldst inflict. Do you know your father Lady? Go call In my friend Truelocke, Sirrah, dare you fool. When I am serious? send in master Truelocke. Exit Byp. Sir, I am neither conjurer nor witch, But a great Fortuneteller, that yowl find, You are happy in a wife sir, happier — yes Happier by a hundred thousand pound, Then you were yesterday — I mean in possibilities: provided that You use her well, and never more be jealous. Look you this way sir, When I speak to you, isle cross your fortune else, As I am true Letoy. When saw you your wives father? answer me? 'Tis possible he's here then, do you know him 'Tis but so much knee-labour lost, stand up, Stand up, and mind me. know sir, that J sent for him, and for you, Jnstructing your friend Blaze my instrument, To draw you to my Doctor with your son, Your wife J knew must follow, what my end Was in't shall quickly be discovered to you, In a few words, of your supposed father. Yes, come master Truelocke, My constant friend of thirty years acquaintance, Freely declare with your best knowledge now, Whose child this is. True, master Truelocke, I do release you of your vow: Now speak. Now shall you know what moved me sir. I was A thing beyond a madman, Like your self, Jealous; and had that strong distrust, and fancied Such proofs unto my self against my wife, That I conceived the child was not mine own, And scorned to father it; yet I gave to breed her And marry her as the daughter of this gentleman (Two thousand pound I guess you had with her) But since your match, my wife upon her deathbed, So cleared her self of all my foul suspicions, (Blessed be her memory) that J then resolved By some quaint way (for J am still Letoy ) To see and try her thoroughly; and so much To make her mine, as I should find her worthy. And now thou art my daughter, and mine heir. Provided still (for I am still Letoy ) You honourably love her, and defy The Cuckold-making fiend foul jealousy. As J am true Letoy Well said. J hope thy son is cured by this too. Now Mistress Blaze ! here is a woman now! J cured her husbands jealousy, and twenty more Jth' Town, by means I and my Doctor wrought. Would done, would done. Prithee wha camest thou for? I told you. Why fliest thou off, thus woman, from the subject Thou Wertenberg upon? Are they up, and ready? 'Tis excellent. Go sir. And go you daughter. Has he known you friend Trulock too? But never as she is. You'll know anon. Go with thy flesh to Turn-bull shambles? Hoe Within there. The music, songs, And dance I gave command for, are they ready? Prithee say no more, but see upon my signal given, they act as well as I designed. I know no flatterer in my house but this, But for his custom I must bear with him. God's-precious they come already. Now begin. Again you are welcome sir and welcome all. This is Music, Sir, you are welcome; and I give full power Unto your father, and my daughter here, your mother to make you welcome. Joyless whispers Peregrine. Fetch him you on again then: pray are you Letoy or I? I care not sir, isle have it to delay your cure a while, that he recover soundly. Come fit again, again you are most welcome. There's and unwelcome guest; uncivil Discord that trains into my house her followers, Folly, and Jealousy, Melancholy, and madness. Peace woman, mark what they do: but but by the way, conceive me this, but show sir, and devise. How goes he back again, now doctor? sheugh. See Harmony approaches, leading on, Gainst Discords factions fear great deities; Mercury, Cupid, Bacchus, and Apollo. Wit against Folly, Love against Jealousy, Wine against Melancholy, and gainst Madness, Health. Observe the matter and the Method. And how upon the approach of Harmony, Discord and her disorders are confounded. Note there how Discord cheers up her disorders, To mingle in defiance with the Virtues: But soon they vanish; and the mansion quit Ex Discord. Unto the Gods of health, love, wine and wit, Who triumph in their habitation new, Which they have taken, and assign to you; In which they now salute you — Bids you be Salute Exe. Of cheer; and for it, lays the charge on me. And unto me you're welcome, welcome all. Meat, wine, and mirth shall flow, and what I see, Yet wanting in your cure, supplied shall be. We will want nothing for you that may please, Though we dive for it toth' Antipodes. Why there they have me right, let others shine Abroad in cloth of bodkin, my broad cloth, Pleases mine eye as well, my body better, Beside I'm sure 'tis paid for (to their envy) I buy with ready money: and at home here With as good meat, as much magnificence, As costly pleasures, and as rare delights, Can satisfy my appetite and senses, As they with all their public shows, and braveries. They run at ring, and tilt against one another, I and my men can play a match at football, Wrestle a handsome fallen, and pitch the bar, And crack the cudgels, and a pate sometime, Twould do you good to see't. I use small verbal courtesy Mr. Joyless (You see) but what I can in deed isle do. You know the purpose of your coming, and I can but give you welcome. If your son Shall receive ease in't, be the comfort yours, The credit of't my Doctors. You are sad. The King's about to Knight him. So is the sword of Justice for ought he knows. Go, then, and possess him (Now, he is sensible) how things have gone; what Art, what means, what friends have been employed in his rare cure; and win him, by degrees, to Sense of where he is; bring him to me; and I have yet and entertainment for him, Of better Settle-brain, then Drunkards porridge, To set him right. As I am true Letoy, I have one Toy left. Go, and go you, why stayst thou? Exe. Joy.