DOCTOR

She's in your house, With Gentlewomen, who seem to lodge here. How do you find him Sir? do's his disease Take him by fits; or is it constantly, And at all times the same? Of what you res is he? Was it born with him? is it natural, Or accidental? have you or his mother Been so at any time affected? Is your son married? What has he in his younger years been most Addicted to? what study? or what practice? That's the next way to the cure. Come quickly, quickly Very good, on. Well sir, upon good terms I'll undertake Your son: let's see him. I'll undertake her too. Is she mad too? Hold you your peace. I shall find her the madder of the two then. Come let me see them Sir, isle undertake Her too: have you any more? how does your wife? I'll undertake Her too: and you your self Sir (by your favour And some few yellow spots, which I perceive About your Temples) may require some Council. How, how? It's most wondrous strange. Oh Mandevile, lets to him Led the way sir. Enough, enough. Sir I applaud your noble disposition, And even adore the spirit of Travail in you, And purpose to wait on it through the world, In which I shall but tread again the steps I heretofore have gone. Over and under too. Yes, through, and through: No Isle nor Angle in that Nether world, But I have made discovery of: Pray sir fit; And sir be you attentive, I will warrant His speedy cure without the help of Gallen, Hippocrates, Avicenna, or Dioscorides, Nay Lady you may stay: Hear and admire, If you so please: But make no interruptions. Do you think sir, to the Antipodes such a journey? Mandevile went far. What think you sir of Drake, our famous Countryman? Stay there, No truer than I ha'seen't. And talked with them and tasted of their fruit. Do not think it strange sir: I'll make your eyes witnesses of more Than J relate, if you'll but travail with me You hear me not deny that all is true That Mandevile delivers of his Travails, Yet J my self may be as well believed. Of Europe isle not speak, 'tis too near home: Who's not familiar with the Spanish garb, Th'Jtalian shrug, French cringe, and Germane hug? Nor will J trouble you with my observations Fetched from Arabia, Paphlagonia, Mesopotamia, Mauritania, Syria, Thessaliam, Persia, India, All still is too near home: though I have touched The Clouds upon the Pyrenaean mountains, And been on Paphos isle, where I have kissed The image of bright Venus : All is still Too near home to be boasted. These things in me are poor: they found In a far travellers care, Like the reports of those, that beggingly Have put out, on returns from Edinburgh, Paris, or Venice, or perhaps Madrid, Whither a Millaner may with half a nose Smell out his way: And is not near so difficult, As for some man in debt, and unprotected To walk from Charingcross to th'old Exchange. No, J will pitch no nearer than the Antipodes ; That which is farthest distant, foot to foot Against our Region. they walk upon firm earth, as we do here, And have the Firmament over their heads, As we have here Silence sweet Lady. Pray give the gentleman leave to understand me. The people through the whole world of Antipodes, In outward feature, language, and religion, Resemble those to whom they are supposite: They under Spain appear Like Spaniards, Under France Frenchmen, under England English To the exterior show: but in their manners, Their carriage, and condition of life Extremely contrary. To come close to you, What partly of the world's Antipodes shall J now Decipher to you, or would you travail to? That is the Antipodes of England. The people there are contrary to us. As thus; here (heaven be praised) the Magistrates Govern the people: there the people rule The Magistrates. Nay Lady 'tis by Nature, Here generally men govern the women. But there the women overrule the men, If some men fail here in their power, some women Slip their holds there. As parents here, and Master's, Command, there they obey the child and servant. By nature. In brief Sir, all Degrees of people both in sex, and quality, Deport themselves in life and conversation, Quite contrary to us. By no means, as you tender your sons good. No Lady no; that were to make men women, And women men. But there the maids do woe The Bachelors, and 'tis most probable, The wives lie uppermost. And then at christenings and gossips feasts, A woman is not seen, the men do all The tittle-tattle duties, while the women Hunt, Hawk, and take their pleasure. Excellent, But by the contraries to ours, for where We Hawk at Pheasant, Partridge, Mallard, Heron, With Goshawk, Tarsell, Falcon, Laneret; Our Hawks, become their game, our game their Hawks, And so the Like in hunting. There the Dear Pursue the Hounds, and (which you may think strange) I have seen one Sheep worry a dozen Foxes, By Moonshine; in a morning before day, They hunt, trayne-sents with Oxen, and blow with Dogs. Yes indeed are they; and their Parrots teach Their Mistress's to talk. They keep their Cats in cages, From Mice that would devour them else; and birds Teach them to whistle, and cry beware the Rats Pusse. But these are frivolous nothings. I have known Great Ladies ride great horses run at tilt; At Ring, Races, and hunting matches, while Their Lords at home have painted, pawned their Plate And Jewels to feast their honourable servants. And there the Merchant's wives do deal abroad Beyond seas, while their husbands cuckold them At home. Patience good Sir, What do you laugh, that there is cuckold-making In the Antipodes, I tell you Sir, It is not so abhorred here as 'tis held In reputation there: all your old men Do marry girls, and old women boys, As generation were to be maintained Only by cuckold making. Pray your Patience. There's no such honest men there in their world, As are their Lawyers: they give away Their practice; and t'enable them to do so, Being all handicrafts, or Labouring men, They work (poor hearts full hard) in the vacations, To give their law for nothing in the term times. No fees are taken: Which makes their divines, Being generally covetous, the greatest wranglers In Law suits of a kingdom, you have not there A gentleman in debt, though citizens Haunt them with cap in hand to take their wares. On credit. All wit and mirth and good society Is there among the hirelings, clowns, and tradesmen, And all their Poets are Puritans. And players too. But they are all the sobrest Precisest people picked out of a nation. Lady you shall. She must if you can hope for any cure, Be governed Sir: your jealousy will grow A worse disease then your sons madness else, You are content I take the course I told you of To cure the gentleman. Say Master Perigrine, will you travail now With me to the Antipodes, or has not The journey wearied you in the description. First, Sir a health to auspicate our travails, And wee'll away. No Sir: drink. No Sir, he brings me word The Mariner calls away; the wind and tied Are fair, and they are ready to weigh anchor, Hoist sails, and only stay for us, pray drink Sir. 'Tis a deep draught indeed, and now 'tis down, And carries him down to the Antipodes? I mean but in a dream. Trust to my sk ll, Pray take and arm, and see him in his cabin. Good Lady save my Ring that's fallen there. Come sir, aboard, aboard, aboard, aboard. By all means, And if your Play takes to my expectation, As I not doubt my potion works to yours, Your fancy and my cure shall be cried up Miraculous. Oh you're the Lord of fancy. Yes and has slept these twelve hours, After a thousand mile and hour outright, By sea and land; and shall awake anon In the Antipodes. It is that mimic fellow which your Lordship But lately entertained. He will be wondrous apt in my affair: For I must take occasion to interchange, Discourse with him sometime amid their Scenes, T'informe my patient, my mad young travellor In diverse matters. I know it is your way. She brings your Ring, my Lord, upon her finger, And he brings her in's hand. I have instructed her To spur his jealousy of o'the legs. the young distracted Gentlewoman too, that's sick of her virginity, Yet knows not what it is; and Blaze and's wife Shall all be your guests to night, and not alone Spectators, but (as we will carry it) Actor To fill your Comic Scenes with double mirth. Now the last minute of his sleeping fit Determines. Raise him on his feet. So, so: Rest him upon mine Arm. Remove that Chair, Welcome a shore Sir in the Antipodes. And on firm land. Sailors you may return now to your ship. Ex. Sail. We'll write as we return Sir: and 'tis true You slept most partly of the journey hitherward, The air was so somniferous: And it well You scaped the Calenture by't. Eight months, and some odd days, Which was but as so many hours and minutes Of ones own natural Country sleep. It nothing for so young a Brain. How think you one of the seven Christian Champions, David by name, slept seven years in a Leek-bed. But what chief thing of note now in our Travels Can you call presently to mind? Speak Like a Traveller. Well wrought potion. Very well observed sir. But now we are come into a temperate climb Of equal composition of elements With that of London ; and as well agreeable Unto our nature, as you have found that air. Cry you mercy. This Sir is Anti London. That's the Antipodes To the grand City of our Nation, Just the same people, language, and Religion, But contrary in Manners, as I have told you. Now cast your Sea weeds off, and do'n fresh garments. Hark sir their Music. Now see one of the Natives of this Country, Note his attire, his language, and behaviour. Two Catchpoles Run from a Gentleman (it seems) that would Have been arrested. All Antipodeans Attend good Sir. Sir, gentle Sir, a word with you. He has wiped my lips, you question very wisely Sir. Thou takest him right: for I am sure he's hungry. Here sir, you shall see A point of Justice handled. A loyal Lord, one of your Subject's too. Now sir be pleased to cloud your Princely raiment With this disguise. Great Kings have done the Like, To make discovery of passages Puts on a Cloak and Hat. Among the people: thus you shall perceive What to approve, and what correct among them. Stand close sir, and observe. Bearbaiting sir she means. Yes sir, old servants are But Boys to Master's, be they never so young. Yes, but It was derived from the Antipodes. In the Antipodes. Be gone. No matter go — Exit. Gent. and Servant. At first show mercy. That was well said. So all be gone. Ex. A woman Fencer, that has played a Prize, It seems, with Loss of blood. He keeps a School, and teaches needlework, Or some such Arts which we call womanish. Some man it seems, that's ducked for scolding. You shall see. No, doubtless we are awake sir. I 'me glad he takes a taste of sense in that yet. these are Low things and easy to be qualified — But see sir, here come Courtiers, note their manners. Yes: and Clowns Musk-Mellons. Then look on these: Here are of those conditions En. car man, & waterman. Yes sir: They know not there, they have A new King here at home. A natural fool, there, giving grave instru ctions Those person ̄ S pass over the Stage in Couples, ac cording as he describes them. T'a Lord Ambassador That's a Schismatic, Teaching a Scrivener to keep his cares: A parish Clerk, there, gives the Rudiments Of Military Discipline to a General: And there's a Basket maker confuting Bellarmine. We are sailed, I hope, Beyond the line of madness. Now sir, see A Statesman studious for the Commonwealth, Solicited by Projectors of the Country. Observe him further, pray sir. Yes, their Law punisheth The robbed, and not the thief, for surer warning, And the more safe prevention. I have seen Folks whipped for losing of their goods and money, And the pick-pockets cherished. No: you had sir, But she's deceased. By sure advertisement; and that her fleeting spirit Is flown into, and animates this Princess. Be not sl cke Embrace and kiss her Sir. He kisses her and retires. Why do you stand aloof Sir? 'slid he falls back again to Mandevile madness. She's no Gadlibrien, Sir, upon my knowledge. You may as safely lodge with her, as with A maid of our own nation. Beside, You shall have ample counsel: for the present, Receive her, and entreat her to your Chapel. My Lord you'll put him back again, if you trouble his brain with new discoveries. I fear your show will but perplex him too. Whither my cure be perfect yet or no, It lies not in my doctorship to know. Your approbation may more raise the man, Then all the College of physicians can; And more health from your fair hands may be won, Then by the streakings of the seventh son. Your patience both I pray; I know the grief You both do labour with, and how to cure it. 'Tis common here sir, for your watermen To write most learnedly, when your Courtier Has scarce ability to read. Patience and counsel will go through it sir. Is this man mad? My cure goes fairly on. Do you marvel that Poor men outshine the Courtiers? Look you sir, A sick-man giving counsel to a Physician: And there's a Puritan Tradesman, teaching a Great Traveller to lie: That Ballad-woman Gives light to the most learned Antiquary In all the Kingdom.