HOSTESS

Bring your Clubs out of doors, there go in my fine hosts, isle talk to the proudest: what knaves are i'th street, my door is my door, my house is my castle, go in dame Helena, let thine host alon with this: he that knocks at my hobby, while I have Ale in my house, shall pay for a Surgeon: the honest shall come in, the knaves shall go by: bring Clubs I say. Away with your Clubs then, welcome my brave Bullies, my Guests shall take no wrong, but welcome my Bullies. He shall pay for the bloodshed, my guests shall take no wrong: mine Host will spend his Cruse as frank as and Emperor: welcome my brave bullies. There, there, my fine fil-pots: give the word as you pass: anon anon sir, anon: here and there in the twinkling, look well to the bar, there again my little Mercuries, froth them up to the brim, and fill as 'tis needful: if their pates be full of Wine, let your Pottles be three quarters, trip and go, here and there: now any brave Lad wash thy wounds with good Wine: bid am welcome my little Sybil: put sugar in his hold there, I must in to my guests, sleep soundly till morning: Canary is a Jewel, and a Fig for Browne-bastard. Exit. That shall you sir, a brush there hoe! What, abides my Penenelope? here stand thy Ulysses, isle tarry with thee still, thou shalt uva ̄ to for no cost, isle buy thee a brave whistle, look about to my Guests I say. Tush tush, these are toys, isle none of these Flip-flaps, isle have no oping, no puffs, nor no Cobwebs: no busks nor burbarrels: thou shalt wear thine own hair, & fine cloth of Sheepskins: thy colour shall be Dow las, as white as a Lily: isle kiss these chop-cheries, thou shalt go Gossip at Shrovetide, look about to my Guests then. Exit. There, there, my little lackey boys, give the word as you pass, look about to my guests there, score up at the Bar there; again, again my fine Mercuries; if yowl live in the faculty, be ruled by instructions: you must be eyed Like a Sergeant, and ear Like a Belfounder, your con science a Schoolmaster, a knee Like a Courtier: a fool Like a Lackey, and a tongue Like a Lawyere, away, away, my brave bullies: welcome sweet Signior, I cannot bow to thy knee. I'm as stout & as stiff as a new made knight, but if I say the word mine Host bids the Cobbler— Thou shalt, whisper in mine ear, I will see and say little, what I say, du ̄ S the mouse & welcome my bullies. Tut, tut, I warrant thee, isle be as close as a bawd, isle keep mine own counsel, be merry and close, merry heart lives long, let my guests take no wrong, & welcome my bully. Exit. Tut, tut, thou art welcome, Cornutus is my neigh bour, I love him as my self, tha'st a shrow to thy wife, gave her tongue to much string, but let mine Host give thee counsel, heel teach thee a remedy. Tut, tut, thou art a fool, keep her close from the pothecary, let her taste of no licoras, 'twill make her long winded: no plums, nor no parseneps, no pears, nor no Popperins, sheele dream in her sleep then, let her live upon Hasels, give her nuts for her diet while a toothe's in her head: give her cheese for digestion: 'twill make her short winded, if that will not serve, set fire to the pan, and blow her up with Gunpowder. To search through my house, I have no Varlets no knaves, no stewd prunes, no she fiery phagies, my Chambers are swept, my Sinks are all scoured, the ho nest shall come in, the knaves shall go by, yet will I master Constable, go search through my house, I care not a sheeps skin. Mine host is true Mettle, a man of reputation, a true Holefernes, he loves juice of grapes, and welcome master Constable. Exit Say on my sweet bully, mine Host will attend thee, speak roundly to the purpose and welcome my bully. I have thee brave spirit, tha'rt of the true seed of Troy, lets be merry and wise, merry hearts live long mine Host, my brave Host with his neighbour Cornutus shall be two of the Maskers, and the Morrice shall be danced, Thou shalt go says mine Host, merry hearts live long, welcome bully, mine Host shall make one, so shall my Cornutus, for if I say the word the mouse shall be Don. Enter Bos with Porters. Farewell my good bullies, mine Host has said & the mouse is Don. Would, would, I spy a jest, would would, Cornutus, Cornutus. Some profane Villain, isle warrant him. There's so many swaggerers, but alas, how fell you out? Out of my doors knave, thou enterest not my doors, I have no chalk in my house, my posts shall not be guarded with a little sing song, si nihil attuleris ibis Homer foras. What beware my little Atlas, what beware is it? A mad merry prig, all good spirits, wilt thou do it Bos? A mad spirit i'faith. God bless thee noble Caesar, & all these brave bride grooms with their fine little dy-doppers, that look before they sleep to throw away their maiden heads: I am host of the Hobby, Cornut is my neighbour, but wele pull of his bopee per, thou'lt know me by my nose, I am a mad merry grig, come to make thy grace laugh, sir Scillicet my guest, all true canaries that love juice of grapes, God bless thy Majesty. Tou shalt answer it to my liege, isle not be so misused, you have a wrong element, there's fire in my face, weel mou ̄ to and ascend. I'm misusd the mad comrades have played the knaves, Justice my brave Caesar. Before God a mad spirit. I, I, be ruled at this time, what, for one merry day wele find a whole moon at midsummer. Gentlemen, you are welcome, though my husba ̄ worser be a little talkative, yet truly he is and unreasonable honest man, ye shall find his words and his sayings all one. I'll led the way forsooth. Well sir, to open the ttuth I am the Hostess. And he maintains me hear Like I know not what. They cannot miss us, yet they regard us not. You have a pretty Ruff, how deep is it? Indeed by the yard! I must needs away, God buy you Gossip. Well, weel have a night ont, God be with you Gossip. I, if they had had horses, they had saved their arms. Yes, I have herd on't. Might not a company of Wives be beholding to thee for places that would be there without their hus bans knowledge if need were? Gossip, faith isle use a little of your counsel, but my husband is so fat, I fear I shall never bring him to it. Signior Philantus I pray you a word. Exit By my troth gossip I am half sick of a conceit I shall go to court now, and attired Like and old Darie woman, a Ruff, holland of eight groats, three in ches-deepe of the old cut, and a hat as far out of fashion as a close placket. But may a woman do that with safety? The best hope I have is, you know my Guest Mistress Gettica, she has pawned her Jewels to me already, and this night I look for her Hood, and her tyer, or if the worst chance, I know I can entreat her to wear my clothes, and let me go in her attire to Court. Alas here they come, lets away Gossip. Exeunt. Will you believe, what such a biscuit brained fellow as this says? he has a mouth Like a double cannon, the report will be herd all over the town. What will serve your turn sir? How far is your mistress behind? I, I have much joy, and Hostess! No, what news? Come, come, bring them out of the air: alas good hearts, what rogorous villain would commit with him? isle tell you Gosip, he's eene as kind and animal, he would not wrong them i'faith. Did he not throw you against the stones? If he did, do not conceal, I dare say you gave them not a foul word. 'Tis some stinking troublesome knave I war rant you. I, and had good skill in pricksong, yet he had a fault in his humour, as none are without (but Puritans:) he would swear Like and Elephant, and stamp and stare (God bless us) Like a playhouse bookkeeper, when the actors miss their entrance. Now we shall behold the shows. Truly you must lie close together, (the Sir vaunts I mean) for I am so thrust with Guest I and hardly spare so many. Gentles, please you draw near? lead the way into the chambers. I, Hostesses will be known shortly as their Signs, still in one weatherbeaten suit, as though none wear hoods but Monks and Ladies: and feathers, but fore-horses, and Waiting Gentlewomen: or chains but prisoners and Courtiers: no Perywigges but Players and Pictures, but the weakest must to the wall still. I, it my hard fortune to be and Hostess, time was I might have done otherwise. Go, isle come anon, he's not so hasty to give me what I want I warrant you, And yet they must have the government of all. As big as a reasonable sufficient— By my troth I must go, we shall have such a coil else. But I prithee what news? A tedious time by Lady, a month were enough. Go, I come, Gossip when shall I see you age ̄ ? O! I remember him, yes faith, he's pretty well set: he ha the right trick with the tongue in his kiss, and he dances reasonably comely, but he falls hea vie. A lass you cannot choose but be more hurt, but isle search you thoroughly be assured. And as true a report I assure you. You can resolve us sir, we hear of great revels to be at Court shortly. Whither goes that Gentleman? What was his suit worth? It better by thrice deuce-ace in a week eve ry woman could awe her husband so well as she. Now fortune favour that my husband find him not Come Gossip, by my troth I cannot keep my hood in frame. And Acteon too? thats pretty i'faith. I, isle be sworn, he had when he was my Guest, By my troth me thought one should be my husband, I could even discern his voice through his vizard. O excellent! now we shall see them unmasked. Exit O fie vpont, who would be and hostis, & could do otherwise? Lady, as the most lascivious life, conges and kisses, the Tyre, the hood, the rebato, the lose bodied Gown, the pin in the hair, and every day change, when and Hostis must come and go at every men pleasure: and what's a Lady more then another body? we have legs and hands, rolling eyes, hanging lips, sleek brows, & I rye cheeks, & other things as Ladies have, but the fashion carries it away. Prentices pass over. O the father, Gallants, yonders the most hard favoured news walks the streets, seven men going to their graves that died with drinking and bisseling. There, there my little Lackey boys, again, again, my fine fil-pots, where is my fine Hostis? come, come my little dido, set your corks on a creaking, my knaves are un thrifty, dance not your canaries, here, up & down, look about to my Guests I say. Go to, there's knaves in my house, I know of no Varlets, I have and eye has his sense, a brain that can reach, I have be called Politician, my wife is my wife, I am her top, i'm her head: if mine Host say the word, the Mouse shall be Don. Mine is eene the unnaturalist man to his Wife Here take the key, convey your self into the Chamber, but in any case take heed my husband see you not. Thar't a fool, thar't a fool, be ruled by mine host, show thy self a brave man of the true seed of Troy; a gallant Agamemnon, tha'st a shrew to thy wife, if she cross thy brave humours, kick thy heel at her huckle bone. Good bloods, good spirits, let me answer for all, none speak but mine Host, he has his polls and his aedypols, his times and his tricks, his quirks and his quilits, and his demise and dementions, God bless thee Noble Caesar, and all these brave spirits, I am Host of the Hobby, Cornutus is my neigh bour: Graccus a mad spirit, Accutus is my friend, Sir Scillicet is my guest, all mad comrades of the true seed of Troy, that love juice of Grapes: we are all true friends, merry hearts live long, let the Pipers strike up isle dance my cinquepace, cut a loft my brave capers, whirl about my toe, do my tricks above grou ̄ worser, isle kiss my sweet hostess, make a courtesy to thy grace, God bless thy Majesty, and the Mouse shall be Don.