WILL CRICKET

Very poor? yare a very Ass. Lord how my stomach wambles at that same word (very poor)! Father, if you love your son William, never name that same word very poor: For I'll stand to it, that its pettilasseny to name very poor to a man thats oath top of his marriage. Marry to Pretty Peg, mistress Lelias Nurse's daugh ter. Oh 'tis the daprest wench that ever danced after a Taberand pipe. For she will so heel it, and toe it, and trip it, Oh his buttocks will quake Like a custard. I would have had a snatch at you, that I No: if I had been a dog, I would would snapped of your nose ere this, and so I should have cosend the Worser of a Marriebone. Would you have a sack Sir? Oh I had thought you would have had a sack to have put this lawcracking cogfoystin, in stead of a pair of stocks. Into the buttery you mean? I'll make your hogshead of Sackrue that word. I marry, thats it he looked for all this while. But Landlord: I can tell you news i'faith, There is one Sophos, a brave genman, heel wipe your son Peters nose, of Mistress Lelia, I can tell you he loves her well. Yes I know, for I am sure I saw them close toga there at Pupnoddie, in her Closet. Nay, I dare take it on my death she loves him, For he's a scholar: and beware scholars, they have tricks for love i'faith, for with a little Logic & pitome colloquium theile make a wench do any thing: Landlord, pray you be not angry with me, for speaking my conscience. In good faith, your son Peters a very Clown to him: Why, he's as fine a man as a wench can see in a summer's day. A horn plague of this money, For it causes many horns to bud: And for money many men are horned. For when maids are forced to love where they Like not, It makes them lie where they should not. I'll be hanged, if ere mistress Lelia will would Peter Ploddall, I swear by this button cap (do you mark) And by the round, found, and profound contents (do you understand) Of this costly Codpiece, (being a good properman as ye see) that I could get her as soon as he, my self: And if I had not a months mind in another place, I would have a fling at her thats flat: But I must set a good holiday face ont, And go a wooing to Pretty Peg: well, I'll too her i'faith While 'tis in my mind But stay, I'll see how I can woo be before I go: they say, Use makes perfectness: Look you now, suppose this were Peg, Now I set my cap oath to side on this fashion (do you see?) then say I, Sweet honey, bonny, sugar Candy, Peg, Whose face more fair, then Brock my father's Cow, Whose eyes do shinelike bacon rin , Whose lips are blue of azure hew, Whose crooked nose down to her chin does bow. For you know I must begin to commend her beauty, And then I will tell her plainly, that I am in love with her, over my high shoes, and then I will tell her that I do no thing of nights but sleep and think on her, and specially of morning's: And that does make my stomach so rise, that I'll be swo n, I can turn me three or four bowls of porredgeoner I a morning afore breakfast. Timber? Sounds, I think he be a witch, How knew he this were Timber? Mass I'll speak him fair, and get out ons company: for I am afraid on him. A poor fellow Sir, would been drinking two or three pots of ale at and alehouse, and would lost my way Sir No Sir, would you speak with him. If I see him, I'll tell him you would speak with him. Marry you Sir. Faith Sir I know not. Oh I will Sir. Lord, that my heart would serve me to speak to his, now she talks of his sprus'd husband. Well I'll set a good face ont, Now I'll clap me as close to his as Jones buttocks of a close stool, and come over his with my rolling, rattling, rum bling eloquence. Sweet Peg, honey Peg, fine Peg, dainty Peg, brave Peg, kind Peg, comely Peg, my nutting, my sweating, my Love, my dove, my honey, my bonny, my duck, my deer and my deareling: Grace me with thy pleasant eyes, And love without delay: And cast not with thy crabbedlookes A properman away. Will you look merrily on me and love me then? Care not greatly if I do? what and answers that? If thou wilt say, I Peg take thee William to my spruce husband. That needs not: heers good store of young men & maids here. Faith thats honestly spoken: say after me. I Peg Pudding promise thee William Cricket, That I'll hold thee for mine own sweet Lily, While I have and head in mine eye, and a face on my nose, a mouth in my tongue, and all that a woman should have, from the crown of my foot, to the sole of my head, I'll clasp thee and clip thee, coll thee and kiss thee, Till I be better then nought, and worse than nothing: When thou art ready to sleep, I'll be ready to snort: When thou art in health, I'll be in gladness: When thou art sick, I'll be ready to die: When thou art mad, I'll run out of my wits: And thereupon I strike the good luck, Well said i'faith: Oh I could find in my hose to pocket thee in my heart. Come my heart of gold, lets have a dance at the making up of this match: Strike up Tom Piper. They dance. Come Peg I'll take the pains to bring thee homeward, And at twilight, look for me again. A bargain i'faith: would my sweet honey sops how dost thou? A man of my word quotha? why I never broke pro mice in my life that I kept. Dost hear Peg? if ere I forget thee, I pray God I may never remember thee. Sounds, fool in your face: fool? Oh monstrous in titulation: Fool? Oh disgrace to my person: sounds, fool not me, for I cannot brook such a cold rasher I can tell you: give me but such and other word, and I'll be thy toothdrawer een of thy butter tooth, thou toothless trot thou. Look on me, and look of Master Churms, A good proper man: Marry Master Churms has something a better pair of legs indeed: But for a sweet face, a fine beard, comely corpse, And a Carousing Codpiece, All England if it can Show me such a man, To win a wench by Jesu, To clip, to coll, to kiss As William Cricket is. Why, look you now: If I had been such a great long, large, Lobcockt, loseld lurden, as Master Churms is; I'll warrant you, I should never have God Peg, as long as I had lived: for (do you mark) a wench will never love a man that has all his substance in his legs. But stay: here comes my Landlord, I must go salute him. Landlord, a pox on you, this good morn. How now fool? how now Caterpillar? Its a sign of Dearth, when such Vermin creep hedges so early of morning. Indeed Peter, I must confess I want some of your wooing manners, or else I might have tournde my fair bush tail to you instead of your father: and have given you the ill salutation this morning. Yes, for fault of a better, but you get neither sweet fine, nor Sour fine of me. My Master's, I pray you bear witness, My Landlord has given me a general discharge, I'll be married presently, my fines paid: I have a discharge for it. No I'll not stay, I'll go call the clerk, I'll be cried out upon ith Church presently, What ho? What Clerk I say? where are you? I thats it: a bots ont, I cannot hit of these marrying terms yet. And I'll desire my Landlord here and his son, to be at the Celebrauation of my marriage too: I'faith Peter, you shall cram your guts full of Cheesecakes and Custards there. And sirrah Clerk, if thou wilt say Amen stoutly: I'faith my powder beef slave, I'll have a rumpe of beef for thee, shall make thy mouth de. Marry eene as soon as may be: let me see: I will be asked ith Church of Sunday at morning prayer, and again at Evening prayer: & the next holiday that comes I will be asked ith forenoon, and married ith afternoon: For (do you mark) I am none of these sneaking fellows that will stand thrumming of Caps, and studying upon a matter, as long as Hunks with the great head has been a bout to show his little wit in the second partly of his paltry poetry: but if I begin with wooing, I'll end with wed ding. And therefore good Clerk, let me have it done with all speed: for I promise you, I am very sharp set. Nay, if he have so lawful and excuse, I am con tent to defer it one day the longer: And Landlord, I hope, you and your son Peter will make bold with us, and trouble us. Faith you shall be very heartily welcome, and we will have good merry rogues there that will make you laugh till you burst. Marry, first and for most, there will be and honest Dutch Cobbler, that will sing (I will no mere to Burgaine go) the best that ever you herd. A basefellow? you may be ashamed to say so, For he's and honestfellow, and a goodfellow: And he begins to carry the very badge of good fellowship upon his nose; that I do not doubt, but in time he will prove as good a Copper companion as Robin Goodfellow him self. I and he's a tallfellow, and a man of his hands too, For I'll tell you what: tie him tuth Bull-Ring, and for a bag pudding, a Custard, a Cheescake, a hogs cheek, or a Calves head, turn any man ith town to him; and if he do not prove himself as tall a man as he, let blind Hugh be witch him, and turn his body, into a barrel of strong Ale, and let his nose be the Spigat, his mouth the Fosset, and his tongue a Plug for the bunge hold. And then there will be Robin Goodfellow, as good a drunken rogue as lives: and Tom Shoemaker; and I hope you will not deny that he's and honest man, for he was Constable oath Town. And a number of other honest rascals, which though they are grown bankroutes and live by the reversion of other men's tables: Yet (thanks be to God) they have a penny amongst, at all times at their need. Yes I'll send you word. Why then go you to Sir John, and I'll to my wench, and bid his give his Maidenhead warning to prepare itself for the destruction of it is at hand. What a talking is here of noses and faces? Come Peg, we are toward marriage; let us talk of that may do us good: Granam, what will you give us towards howse-keeping? Marry I say he looks Like a tankerd bearer, That dwells in Petticoat lane, at the sign of the Mere maid; And I swear by the blood of my codpiece, And I were a woman I would lug off his laue ears, Or run him to death with a spit: and for his face, I think 'tis pity there is not a law made, That it should be felony to name it in any other places, then in baudie houses: But Granam what will you give us? If she love me I'll love his, i'faith my sweet honey comb, I'll love thee, We must be asked in Church next Sunday, and weel be mar ried presently. Come on i'faith. Faith if you will be ruled by me, I'll tell you what you ll do: (Mark what I say) for I'll teach you the way to come to heaven, if you stumble not: Give all you have to the poor, But one single penny, and with that penny buy you a good strong halter, And when you would done so: come to me and I'll tell you what you shall do with it. Faith Sir, he's almost mad: I think he cannot tell you: And therefore I presuming Sir, that my wit is something better than his, at this time (do you mark Sir?) Out of the profound circumambulation of my supernatu rall wit Sir (do you understand?) Will tell you the whole superfluity of the matter Sir: Your sister Leli Sir you know is a woman, As another woman is Sir. Nay nothing Sir, but she fell in love with one So phos a very proper wise young man Sir: Now Sir, your Father would not let his have him, Sir: But would have married his to one Sir, That would have fed his with nothing but barley bag pud dings and fat bacon: Now Sir to tell you the truth, The fool you know has fortune to land: But M. Lelias mouth does not hang for that kind of diet. Oh nobly spoken: God send Peg to prove as wise a woman as his Mother, and then we shall be sure to have wise children. Nay if he be so liberal: old Grandsire you shall give him the goodwill of your daughter. Faith Sir, this same Churms is a very scurvy Lawer: For once I put a case to him: and me thought his law was not worth a pudding. Marry Sir, my case was a gooses case: For my dog wirried my neighbours sow, and the sow died Granam stand out oath way, for here come gentlefolk will run over you else. Sounds, I think he be spur-blind. Why, Lelia stands hard by him. Nay and you be good at that, I'll tell you what weel do. I must be married to morrow; and if you will, weel go all tuth Church together: and so save Sir John a labour. Oh Peter does your mouth water at that? Truly I was never with his, but I know I shall speed. For tother day she looked on me and laughed, and thats a good sign (you know): and therefore old silver top, never talk of charging or discharging. For I tell you I am my father's heir: and if you discharge me, I'll discharge my pestilence at you. For to let my house before my lease be out, is cut-throatery: and to scrape for more rend is polepennery. And so fare you well good Grandsire Usury: come father lets be gone. Nay here, you drink afore you bargain. Lawer wipe clean: do you remember? Why since you know when. Why since you were bumbasted, that your lubberly legs would not carry your lob cock body; When you made and infusion of your stinking excrements, in your stalking implements: Oh you were plaguy frayed, and foully raide. Well Clark, yowl see this matter bravely performed: let it be done as it should be. But come my wimble lass, let all these matters pass: And in a bouncing brauation, lets talk of our copulation: What good cheer shall we have to morrow? Old Grandsir Thickskin, you that fit there as melancholy as a mantletree, what will you give us toward this merry meeting? This good fellow quotha? I scorn that b , broking, brabbling, brawling, bastardly, bottlenos'd, b tle browed, bean-bellied name. Why, Robin Goodfellow is this same cogging, p rifogging, crackeropes Calue-skin companion: Put me and my father over to him? old Silver top and you had not put me before my father, I would would— Whats the matter quotha? Faith I would been in a fair taking, for you, a bots on you. For tother day after I had seen you, presently my belly began to rumble: Whats the matter, thought I? With that I bethought my self, and the sweet comport nance of that same sweet round face of thine came into my mind: Out went I, and I'll be sworn I was so near taken, that I was feign to cut all my points. And dost hear Peg? If thou dost not grant me thy good will in the way of mar riage; First and for most I'll run out of my clothes, and then out of my wits for thee. Well, your good words have something laid my collar. But Granam shall I be so bold to come to your house now and then to keep Peg company? Come on Granam, I'll man you home i'faith: Come Peg. M. Gripe, I was coming to desire that I might have your absence at my wedding: for I hear say you are very liberal grown alate. For I spoke with three or four of your debtors this mor ning that ought you hundred pounds a piece: And they told me, that you sent M. Churmes to them and took of some ten pounds, And of some twenty, and delivered them their bonds, And bade them pay the rest when they were able. Faith Sir, its all to nothing but your daughter and M. Churms are gone both one way: Marry your money flies some one ways and some another: And therefore 'tis but a folly to make hue and cry after it. Marry then there was a certain craking, cog ging, pettifogging, buttermilk slave Sir, one Churms Sir, that is the very quintessence of all the knaves in the bunch; And if the best man of all his kin had been but so good as a yeoman men son: He should have been a marked knave by letters patents, And he Sir comes me sneaking, and cosens them both of their wench, and is run away with his: And Sir belike he has cosend your father here of a great deal of his money too. No: but to have some oh for my money, I gave him his fee, and promised him a goose beside, for h counsel. Now Sir his counsel was to deny all was asked me, And to crave a longer time to answer, Though I knew the case was plain; So Sir I take his counsel: and always when he send to me for his goose, I deny it, and crave a longer time to answer. True: but now we are talking of geese, See where Peg and my Granam Midnight comes. Would my sweet Tralilly, I thought thou couldst spy me amongst a hundred honest men. A man may see that love will creep where it cannot go. Would my sweet and too sweet: shall I say the tother sweet? Nay I will not say it, I will sing it. Thou art mine own sweet heart From thee I'll never depart: Thou art my Ciperlillie: And I thy Trangdidowne dilly, And sing heigh ding a ding ding: And do the tother thing And when 'tis done not miss, To give my wench a kiss: And then dance canst thou not hit it? Ho brave William Cricket How Like you this Granam No: but he went to law with me, and would make me either pay for his sow, or hang my dog: Now Sir to this same Retourner I went.