ILFORD

Tut, let us be Impudent enough, and good enough. By this hand thou art not a man fit to Table at and Ordi nary, keep Knights company to Bawdy houses, nor Beggar thy Taylor. Why Sir? Fill up: what would you brought here, goodman roge? How no acquaintance: Angels guard me from thy company. I tell thee Wentloe thou art not worthy to wear guilt Spurs, clean Linen, nor good Clothes. Why dost thou think there is any Christians in the world? Or dost thou mean to beg after Charity, that goes in a cold suit already, that thou talkest thou hast no acquaintance here. I tell thee Wentloe thou canst not live on this side of the world: feed well, drink Tobacco, and be honoured into the presence, but thou must be acquainted with all sorts of men, I and so far in to, till they desire to be more acquainted with thee. But stay, here is a Scrape-trencher arrived: How now blue bottle, are you of the house? Well Sir, are you of the house? Who dwells in it then. Whats his name. Dus master Scarberow lie here, What am I the better for thy answer? Why nothing. And well encountered my little Villain of fifteen hundred a year, S ut what makest thou here in this barren soil of the North, when thy honest friends miss thee at London? Loved, I as Courtiers love Usurers, & that is joust as long as they lend them money. Now dare I lay. I dare lay with any man that will take me up. Sirrah wag, this Rogue was son and heir to Antony Now, Now, and Blind Moon. And he must needs be a scurvy Musiti on, that hath two Fiddlers to his Father's: but tell me in faith, art thou not, nay I know thou art called down into the country here, by some hoary Knight or other, who knowing thee a young Gentleman of good parts, and a great living hath desired thee to see some pitti full piece of his Workmanship, a Daughter I mean, Is't not, so? Preferment, a good word: And when do you commence into the Cuckolds order, the Preferment you speak of when shall we have Gloves: when, when? Why, and that is time enough to make up a dozen marria ges, as marriages are made up now adays. For look you Sir: the father according to the fashion, being sure you have a good living, and without Encumbrance, comes to you thus:—takes you by the hand thus:—wipes his long beard thus:—or turn svp his Muchacho thus:—Walks some turn or two thus:—to show his comely Gravity thus:—And having washed his foul mouth thus:—it last breaksout thus.— Master Scarborrow, you are a young Gentleman, I knew your father well, he was my worshipful good Neighbour, for our Demeans lay near together. Then Sir,—you and I must be of more never acquaintance.—At which, you must make and eruption thus:—Oh God (sweet Sir) Then he goes forward thus: Sir, my self am Lord of some thousand a year, a Widower, (master Scarberrow) I have a cou ple of young Gentlewomen to my Daughters, a thousand a year will do well divided among them? Would, wilt not Master Scarbor row, —At which you out of your education must reply thus.—The Portion will deserve them worthy husbands: on which Tinder he soon takes fire and swears you are the Man his Hope's shot at, and one of them shall be yours. Then putting you and the young Puggs to in a close room together. Where the young puppet, having the Lesson before from old Fox, give the son half a dozen warm kisses, which after her father's oaths, takes such Impression in thee, thou straight callest by Jesu Mistress, I love you:—When she has the wit to ask, but Sir, will you marry me, and thou in thy Cox-sparrow-humor repliest, I (before God) as I am a Gentleman will I, which the Fa there overhearing, leaps in, takes you at your word, swears he is glad to see this; nay he will have you contracted straight, and for a needs makes the priest of himself. Thus in one hour, from a quiet life, Thou art sworn in debt, and troubled with a wife. O, it is no matter now adais for love, 'tis well, and they can but make shift to lie together. O the sooner, for that and the Land together, tell the old lad, he will know the better how to deal with his Daughter? The Wise and Ancient Father's know this Rule, Should both wed Maids, the Child would be a Fool. Come Wag, if thou hast gone no further then into the Ordinary fashion, meet, see, and kiss, give over: Marry not a Wife to have a hundred plagues for one pleasure: lets to London, theres vary ty: and change of pasture makes fat Calves. Wag and thou be'st a Lover but three days, thou wilt be Hartles, Sleepless, witless, Mad, Wretched, Miserable, and indeed, a stark Fool. And by that, thou hast been married but three weeks, though thou shouldst wed a Cynthia rara avis, thou wouldst be a man monstrous: A Cuckold, a Cuckold. Why, because a man is made a Beast by being married? Take but example thy self from the Moon, as soon as she is delivered of her great belly, does she not point at the world with a pair of horns, as who should say, married men, some of you are Cuckolds. Theres never a wanton Wench that hears thee, but thinks thee a Coxcom for saying so: Marry none of them, if thou Wilt have their true Characters, I'll give it thee,—Women are the Purgatory of men's Purses, the Paradise of their bodies, and the Hell of their minds; Marry none of them. Women are in Chur ches Saints, abroad Angels, at home Devils. Here are married men enough, know this: Marry none of them. Let them be what Flowers they will, and they were Roses, I will pluck none of them for pricking my fingers. But soft, here comes a voider for us: and I see, do what I can, as long as the world lasts, there will be Cuckolds in it. Do you hear Child, heeres one come to blend you together: he has brought you a kneading-tub, if thou dost take her at his hands, Though thou hadst Argus eyes, be sure of this, Women have sworn with more then one to kiss. Are we welcome Knight, Infayth. Prithee tell me hast not thou been a Whoremaster. Why then thou art a man fit for my compauy: Dost thou hear that he is a good fellow of our stamp, Make much of his ather. 'Tis no matter who is the father. Switch and Spur we will bear you company. Boy, hast thou delivered my Letter? He had not a new suit on, had he? Oh, that was his Taylor, I see now he will be blessed he pro fits by my counsel, he will pay no debts before he be arrested, nor then neither, if he can find ere a beast that dare but be bail for him, but he will seal i'th afternoon. Good, good, now have I a Parsons Nose, and smell tyth coming in then. Now let me number how many rooks I have half undone already this Term by the first return: four by Dice, six by being bound with me, and ten by queans, of which some be Courtiers, some Country Gentlemen, and some Citti zens Sons. Thou art a good Frank, if thou pe gest thus, thou art still a Companion for Gallants, mayest keep a Caramite, take Physic, at the Spring and the fallen. Prithee rather give me somewhat will keep me lean, I would no mind yet to take Physic. Then heaven grant he may, as few married men do, make much of his wife. No no, they that do so, make not much of their wives, but give them their will, and its the marring of em. You may shift out one term, and yet die in the Counter, these are the scabs now that hang upon honest Job, I am Job, and these art the scurvy scabs, but whats this your pot seethes over withal? A good talon by my faith, it might help many Gentlemen to pay their Tailors, and I might be one of them. What a Roge is this, to read a lecture to me, and mine own lesson too, which he knows I would made perfect to 9 hundred four score and nineteen. A cheating Rascal will teach me that would made them that have worn a spacious Park, Lodge and all of their backs this morning: been fain to pawn it afore night, and they that would stauked Like a huge Elephant, with a Castle on their necks, and removed y to to their own shoulders in one day which their father's built up in seven year, been glad by my means, in so much time as a child sucks, to drink bottle Ale, though a punk pay fort. And shall this Parat instruct me? A roge that hath fed upon me, & the fruit of my wit Like Pull len from a Pantlers chipings, and now I put him into good clothes to shift two suits in a day, that could scare shift a patched shirt once in a year, and says prayers when he had it: hark, how he prates. Says mine own Roge so, give me thy hand then, weel doot, and theres earnest. Strikes him. Sfut you Chitrtiface, that looks worse then a Collier through a wooden window, and Ape afeard of a whip, or a Knaves head, shook seven years in the weather upon Londonbridge. Do you Catechise me? Know your seasons: beside, I am not of that Species for you to instruct. Then know your seasons. What, melancholy my young master, my young married man, God give your worship joy. Of thy wealth, for I hear of few that would joy of heir wives Thou having so much wit, what a Devil meantest thou to marry? A common course, those men that are married in the Mor ning, to wish themselves buried ere night. No news neither, wives know thats a general fault amongst their Husbands. Cetera volunt sheele say still, if you will not, another will. As other women do, either to be maintained by you, or to make you a Cuckold. Now sir, what come you for? Whats your business? The meaning of all this Sir. Cl. By this is as much as to say Sir, may Mai. has sent unto you. By this is as much as to say Sir, my mai ster has him humbly commended unto you, and by this is as much as to say, my master craves your answer. Give me your Letter. And you shall have this Sir, this Sir, and this Sir. How camest thou by these good words? How now my young Bully, Like a young wench forty weeks after the lose of her Maidenhead, crying out. We must not leave you so my young Gallant, We three are sick in state, and your wealth must help to make us whole again. For this saying, is as true as old: Strife nursed betwixt man and wife, makes such a flaw, How great so eres their wealth, 'twill have a thaw, What ride by the gate, & not call, that were a shame i'faith. Shamed of what, for deceiving of a wench, I would not blushed, that would dnut to a hundred of em. In women's love he's wise, does follow this, Love one so long till her another kiss. Where the good Knight here? But art sure he will hold his meeting. Why then so sure will I be arrested by a couple of Sir giant's, and fallen into one of the unlucky Cranks about Cheap side, called Counters. Would, would, would. To see that we and Usurers line by the fall of young heirs as swine by the dropping of Acorns. But he's come. Where be these Rogues? shall we would no tendance here? A thousand good days, my noble Bully, and as many good Fortune's as there were Grasshoppers in Egypt, and thats continued uered over with good luck: but Nouns, Pronouns, and Par ticiples. Where be these Rogues here: what, shall we have no Wine here? Anon, goodman Rascal, must we stay your leisure? gee't us by and by, with apoxe to you. Hurt him, hang him, Scrape-trencher, star-waren, Wine spiller, mettle-clancer, Rogue by generation. Why, dost hear Will? If thou dost not use these Grape-spillers as you do their pottle-pots, quoit em down stairs three or four times at a sup per, they le grow as saucy with you as Sergeants, and make bills more unconscionable then Tailors. Would you so, and did not I call for Rhenish you Mongrel? Be mild in a Tavern, 'tis treason to the read Lettyce, ene my to their sign post, and slave to humour: Prithee, lets be mad, Then fill our heads with wine, till every pate be drunk, Then piss i'the street, Iustell all you meet, and with a Punk, As thou wilt do now and then: Thank me thy good Master, that brought thee to it. Agreed. I'll begin with a new health. Fill up. What beards would they? Gentleman-like-beards, or bro ker-like-beards? I'll go down to em. I, me, and any man else, and a fallen into your Clutches: Let go your tugging, as I am a Gentleman, I'll be your true prisoner. I am fallen into the hands of Sergiants, I am arrested. Put up, put up, for sins sake put up, lets not a l sup in the Counter to night, let me speak with master Gripe the Creditor. You have arrested me here master Gripe. But at your suit master Gripe: yet hear me, as I am a Gent. Yet hear me. And I spent it for mere necessity, I confess I owe you five hundred pound, and I confess I owe not a penny to any man, but he would be glad to hate: my bound you have already master Gripe If you will, now take my word. Such as you shall Like too: what say you to this young Gent. He is the widgen that we must feed upon. I would be ashamed any man should say so by me, that I have had dealings withal: But my enforced friends, wilt please you but to retire into some small distance, while I descend with a few words to these Gentlemen, and I'll commit my self into your hands im mediately. Gentlemen I am to proffer some conference, and in espe cially to you master Scarborrow, our meeting here for your mirth hath proved to me thus adverse, that in your companies I am Ar rested: How ill it will stand with the flourish of your reputations when men of rank and note communicate, that I Frank Ilforde, Gentleman. whose Fortune's may transcend, to make ample Gratui ties future, and heap satisfaction for any present extension of his friends kindness, was Enforced from the Miter in Bredstreet, to the Counter i'th Poultrey: for mine own partly, if you shall think it meet, and that it shall acord with the state of gentry, to submit my self from the featherbed in the Masters side, or the Flock-bed in the Knights ward, to the straw-bed in the hold, I shall buckle to my heals instead of gilded spurs, the armour of patience, and doote. To feed upon you as Pharo's lean kine did upon the fat. Good security you Egyptian Grasshopper, good security? Why then lets come and take up a new room, the infected hath spit in this. He that hath store of Coin, wants not a friend, Thou shalt receive sweet rogue, and we will spend. Nay, nay, nay, Will: prithee come away, we have a full Gall lon of Sack stays in the fire for thee, thou must pledge it to the health of a friend of thine. They are Fiddlers I think, if they be, I preethe send them into the next room, and let them scrape there, and weell send to them presently. Oh, thou shouldst have done well to have bound them pren tises when they were young, they would have made a couple of saucy Tailors. I Birdlime: Tailors: Tailors are good men, and in the Term time they wear good Clothes. Come, you must learn more manners, stand at your Brother's back, as to shift a Trean cher neatly, and take a Cup of Sack, and a Capons leg con tentedly. A matter of nothing, some hundred pounds. Be not so wild, it is thine Uncle Scarborrow. Hold, hold, do you draw upon your uncle? Sure I would said my prayers, and lived virtuously a late, that this good Fortune's befallen me. Look Gallants: I am sent for to come down to my Father's burial. Troth no, I'll go down to take possession of his land, let the cum ̄ try bury him & the will: I'll stay here a while, to save charge at his funeral. As I did before, with my hands, how should I feel my self else? But I'll tell you news Gallants. Faith partly, for I intend shortly to go to Church, and from thence do faithful service to one woman. I Mongrel, Married. I will now be honestly married. 'Tis no matter, I will now marry, And to some honest woe man to, and so from hence her virtues shall be a countenance to my vices. No Lady, no widow, nor no waiting gentlewoman, for under protection Ladies may lard their husbands heads, Widows will Wood cocks make, & chambermaids of servi ̄ gme ̄ learn that, theyle ner forsake. To any maid, so she be fair: To any maid, so she be rich To any maid so she be young: and to any maid Faith, its no great matter for her honesty, for in these days, thats a Dowry out of request. To whom shall I now be a suitor? Nay, and she be fair she shall fallen sure enough. Butler, how Is't good Butler. Dost not know me Butler? Come, you old madcap you, what needs all this? Cannot a man would been a little whoremaster in his youth, but you must upbraid him with it, and tell him of his defects, which when he is married, his wife shall find in him? Why my father's dead man now, who by his death has left me the better partly of a thousand a year. Let me have her then, good Butler. Or let me have her, honest Butler. Let me have her then. Godamercy. A pox on them, absolute Coxcomes. True. Good. Honest Butler. Oh but thats passed Butler. To help me to the wench, Good. Excellent. Admirable Butler. Do they not see us, do they not see us, let me kiss thee, let me kiss thee Butler, let but this be done, and all the benefit requi tall and happiness. I can promise thee fort, shall be this, I'll be thy rich master, and thou shalt carry my purse. I hate. Will I live. Wigens, wingens, a couple of gulls. Blessed day, my love shall be thy cushion honest Butler. A plague on thee, spit out. Then thou'lt shift them away, and keep from the sight of them. Thou hast. Honest-blest-natural-friend, thou dealest with me Like a Brother: Butler, Exit. Sure heaven hath reserved this man to wear Grey-hairs to do me good, now will I listen, listen close, and suck in her Uncle's words with a rejoicing ear, Marry she shall find one here though you little knowt, thanks, Thanks honest Butler. Comfort, comfort to my soul. Good, good, I'll find employment for them. And that which my father, hath left me, will make it about fifteen, hundred admirable. And that she shall be as well as the priest can, he shall not, Leave out a word ont. What a Gods name. And I'll find a vent fort I hope. You may chance be deceived old gray-beards, ears he will spend some of it, thanks, thanks, honest Butler, now do I see the happiness of my future estate, I walk me as to morrow, be king the day after my marriage, with my fourteen men in Livery cloaks after me, and step to the wall in some chief street of the City, though I would no occasion to use it, that the Shopkeepers may take notice how many followers stand bore to me, and yet in this latter age, the keeping of men being not in request, I will turn my aforesaid fourteen into two Pages and two Coaches, I will get me self into grace at Court, run headlong into debt, and then look scurvily upon the City, I will walk you into the presence in the afternoon having put on a richer suit, then I wore in the mor ning, and call boy or sitrah, I will would the grace of some great Lady though I pay fort, and at the next Triumphs run a Tilt, that when I run my course, though I break not my lance: she may whisper to her self, looking upon my smell, well run my knight I will now keep great horses, scorning to have a Quean to keep me, indeed I will practice all the Gallantry in use, for by a Wife comes all my happiness. Oh Butler beyond discourse, she's Paragon for a Prince, then a fit Implement for a Gentleman, beyond my Element. True Butler, but withal to have her portion. Oh, with my soul. To thee, to her, and would called heaven to witness. Butler, here I protest, make vows Irrevocable. Upon my knees, with my heart, and soul I love her. Will live with her. Marry her and maintain his. Nay for her forswear all other women. In all degrees of Love. By heaven, by earth, by Hell, by all that man can swear, I will so I may have her. Kind Mistress, as I protested, so again I vow, I faith I love you. Love me then, The which loves you as Angels loves good men, Who wish them to live with them ever, In that high bliss whom hell cannot diss ever. Mistress I hnow your worth is beyond my desert, yet by my praising of your virtues, I would not have you as women use to do, become proud. Can you love me them? Yet be in love with me, let your affections Combine with mine, and let our souls Like Turtles have a mutual Sympathy, Who love so well, that they together die, Such is my life, who covets to expire, If it should lose your love. In you may, Your life's my life, your death my dying day. Oh seal it with a kiss, Blessed hour my life had never joy till this. Apoxe on em, what shall we do then Butler? I but how Butler. Where, prethe Butler where? Oh sweet. Ho Sirrah, who would would thought it, I perceive now a woe man may be a maid, be married, and lose her maidenhead, and all in half and and hour, and how dost Like me now wench. And there shall be no Love lost, nor service neither, I'll do thee service at board, and thou shalt do me service a bed: Now must I as young married men use to do, kiss my portion out of my young wife. Thou art my sweet Rogue, my Lamb, my Pigsny, my playfellow, my pretty pretty any thing, come a buss prithee, so 'tis my kind heart, and wats thou what now? I would God thee with Child in my Conscience, and like a kind Husband, methinks I breed it for thee. For I am already sick at my stomach and long extremely. Now must thou be my helpful Physician, and provide for me. What a kind soul is this, could a man have found a greater content in a wife, if he should would sought through the world for her: Prithee heart as I said, I long, and in good troth I do, and me thinks thy first child will be born without a nose, if I lose my longing, 'tis but for a trifle too, yet methinks it will do me no good unless thou effect it for me. I could take thy keys my self, go in to thy Closet, and read over the deeds and evidences of thy Land, & in reading over them, rejoice I had such blessed fortune to have so fair a wife with so much endowment, and then open thy Chests, and survey thy Plate, Jewels, Treasure. But a pox ont, all will do me no good, unless thou effect it for me. Good gentle heart, I'll give thee another buss for that, for that give thee a new gown to morrow morning, by this hand do thou but dream what stuff and what Fashion thou wilt have it on to night. Love I know that, and I'll answer thee love for. Love in a bundance: but come prithee come, lets see these deeds and e uidences, this Money, Plate, and Jewels, with would thy Child born without a nose if thou be'st so careless, spare not, why my little frappet you, I herd thy Uncles talk of thy riches, that to ou hadst hundreds a year, several Lordships, Manors Houles, Thou sands of pounds in your great Chests, Jewels, Plate, and Rings in your little Box. True Chuck I am thy haven, and harbour too, And Like a ship I took thee, who brings home Treasure As thou to me, the Merchant-venturer. Thats kindly said now, Howes this? howes this? I hope you do but Jest, Would. Worse then and Ague. I am gulled by this hand. And old Counterfeit ichacher, and beguiled; where the pox now are my two Coaches, choice of houses, several suits, a plague on them, and I know not what: Do you hear Puppet, do you think you shall not be damned for this, to Cousin a Gentleman of his Hope's, and compel your self into Matrimo nigh with a man, whither he will or no with you, I would made a fair match i'faith, will any man buy my commodity out of my hand, as God save me he shall have her for half the money she cost me. A pox on her, I would you had her. Pretty infaith, very pretty. Better, better, better. Do not make me mad good Gentlemen, do not make me mad, I could be made a Cuckold with more patience, then endure this. A pox of his furtherance, Gentlemen as you are Christi ans, vex me no more, that I am married I confess, a plague of the Fates, that wedding and hanging comes by destiny, but for the riches she has brought, bear witness how I'll reward her. Whore, I and Jade, Witch, Ilfacst, stinking-breath, croo ked-nose, worse then the Devil, and a plague on thee that ever I saw thee. Oh Gentlemen, I am undone, I am undone, for I am married, I that could not abide a Woman, but to make her a whore, hated all Shee-creatures, fair and poor, swore I would never marry but to one that was rich, and to be thus cun nicacht. Who do you think this is Gentlemen? Thats my misfortune, that marrying her in hope she was rich, she proves to be the beggarly Sister to the more beggarly Scarborrow. I, you may laugh, but she shall cry as well as I for't, And you be kind Gentlemen lend me some, for would ving paid the Priest, I would not so much left in the world, as will higher me a horse to carry me away from her. Are you sure you would eyes in your head. Nay, thats without question, but I'll be revenged of em both, for you Minx. Nay Sfut, give em me, or I'll kick else. Sweet with a pox, you stink in my nose, give me your Jewels? Nay Bracelets too. Out of my sighed, I and out of my doors, for now, whats within this house is mine, and for your brother He made this match, in hope to do you good, And I wear this for which, shall draw his blood. Away, whore, Out of my doors whore. He's here, draw Gentlemen. As thou and I will wench. Brother's in brotherly love thus link together, And she were foul, being rich, I would be glad of her. Oh But. they would made good thy words, & I am ravished with the ̄ . Troth I did, as now adais Bachelors do sware I loved thee but indeed married thee for thy wealth.