APPETITUS

Foh, what a stink of gunpowder is yonder? I cannot endure the smoking of Guns, the thunde ng of drums, I had rather here the merry hacking of pot herbs, and see the reaking of a hight capon. If they would use no other Bucklers in war, but shields of Brawn, brandish no swords but Swords of Bacon, trail no spears, but spar ibs of Pork, and instead of Hargebush pieces discharge Hartichock pies, toss no pikes but boiled pickrills, then Appetitus would rouse up his crest, and bear up him self with the proudest. But now my good Master's must pardon me, I am not for their service, for their service is without service, and indeed their service is too hot for my diet. But what. If I be not my self but only this be my spirit that wanders up and down, and Appetitus be killed in the Camp, the Devil he is as soon, howes that possible? tut tut I know I am, , I am , and alive too, by this Infallible token, that I feel my self hungry. Well the ̄ though I made my fellow soldiers admire the beauty of my back & wonder at the nimbleness of my hee'es, yet now will I at safety at home, tell in what dangers they are a broad, le speak nothing but guns, and glau S, and sta es, and phalanges, & squadrons, and barracadoe, ambus adoes, palm does blank point dept, counterpoint, counter sc ate, allies and lies, saladoes, tarantan aras, ranta, ta a tara, heigh But above all I'll be sure on my knees to thank the great— By the bloodstained falchion of Mavors—I am on your side. Are you a soldier? Then you are master Hell the Bear-heard, Or Gulono the gutty Seriant, or Delphino the Vinter, or else I know you not, for these are all my acquaintance. What Mend cio, by the faith of a Knight thou art welcome, I must borrow thy Whetstone to sharpen the edges of my martial compliments. I needs no spurs, I ride Like Pegasus on a winged horse, on a swift Gennet, my Boy, called fear. Oh, but the stink of powder spoils Appetitus stomach, and then thou knowest when it's gone, Appetitus is dead, there before I very manfully drew my sword, and flourished it bravely about mine ears, kissed, and finding my self hurr, most manfully ran away. I and outfight themselves I think, and all about a tri fle, a paltry babble, found I know not where. Mendacio hang this superiority, Crown me no Crown but Bacchus Crown of Roses, give me no Sceptre, but a fat Capons leg, to show that I am the great King of Hun gary, therefore I prithee talk no more of state-matters, but in brief, tell me my little rascal, how thou hast spent thy time this many a day? I am exceeding glad of your great promotion. I cannot be persuaded that to art acquainted with Scholars ever since thou Wertenberg pressed to death in a Print-house. Thou Boy, how is this possible? thou art but a Child and there were sects of Philosophy before thou Wertenberg born. Thou hadst needs, for I hear say he was blind. Sure as I am Hungry thou'st have it for lying. But hast thou rusted this latter time for want of excercise? Downwards I'll swear for the'rs stinking lies in them. And so it will be so long as the world is full of fame. In as much request as thy self. To begin with the Court as thou didst, I lie with the Ladies all night, and thats the reason they call for Cullies, and Gruellies, so early before their pray S, your galla ̄ ts never sup, breakfast, or Beaver without me. True, but because they know a little thing drives me from them, therefore in amid of meat they present me with some sharp sauce or a dish of delicate Anchoues, or a Caviar, to entice me back again, nay more your old Sirs that hardly go without a prop, will walk a mile or two every day to re new their acquaintance with me, as for the Academy it is be holding to me, for adding the eight province unto noble Hep tarchie of the liberal sciences. The most desired and honourable art of Cookery. Now Sirrah in the City I am—st, st. Oh the body of a Louse. Not a word more for yonder comes Phantastes, and some body else. Work a miracle if he would prove wise. Stay, stay my Lo. defer I beseech, defer the Judgement. My name is Appetitus, Common servant to the Pen tarchy of the senses, who understanding that your Honour was handling this Actium of Lin vae sent me hither thus hastily, most humbly requesting the Bench to cons der these A ticles they allege against her before you proc ede to judgement. At your Lordship's pleasure. Well Crapulam, well, I have deserved better at your hands then so, I was the man you know first brought you into Gustus his service, I lined your guts there, and you use me thus? but grease a fat sow. &c. The belching gorbelly hath wellnigh killed me; I am shut out of doors finely, well this is my comfort, I may walk now in liberty at my own pleasure. Ah Mendaci , Mendaci , Faith I am Like a bagpipe, that never sound's but when the belly is full. From a fray I tell thee Mendaci . I am now joust Like the Ewe that gave suck to a wolves whelp. I have must up my fellow Crapulam so long, that he's grown strong enough to beat me. Faith I'll travel to some College or other in and Uni uersitie. Because Appetit is well beloved amongst Scholars, for there I can dine and sup with them & rise again as good friends as we sat down, I'll thither questionless. Alas I am very loath; but how should I help it? Would, would, would, what good will this do ? I pray thee where hadst it? It smel es well I would sane begin to them; M ndacio, how shall I requite thy infinite . I will, I will, I will, Adue, adue, adue, Have I not here the sharp, and warlike teeth, That at one breakfast quailed thrice three hog's faces? Do you not see how she beckons to you to follow her? Look how she her distaff, look you? There there man, you are right. What a strange temper are the Senses in? How come their wits thus topsy turm turned? Hercules Tactus, Visus Polypheme, Two goodly surnames have they purchased: By the rare Ambrosian of and Oyste j; They have God such proud imaginatious, That I could wish I were mad for company: But since my Fortune's cannot stretch so high, I'll rest contented with this wise estate. What more anger? Auditus God abroad too. I pray you Auditus, what ails you? What ails you? Who hath abused you thus? Sa e me I had clean forgotten; why are you so angry Auditus So now's the time that I would gladly meet, These madding Senses that abused me thus; What? haunt me Like and owl? make and Ass of me? No they shall know, I scorn to serve such Master's, As cannot master their affections, Their injury have changed my nature, Now I le be no more called hungry parasite: But he ceforth answer to the wrathful name Of angry Appetite, my choler's up: cool me quickly with thy fan, Over ce I le cut thy cheeks, why this is brave: Fa e better then to faun at Gustus table, For a few scraps, no, no, such words as these, By Pluto stab the villain, kill the slave: By the infernal hags, I'll hough the rogue, And paunch the rascal that abused me thus, Such words as these fit angry Appetite. I marry is he sirrah, what of that? base miscreant Cra pula. You muddy gulche, darest look me in the face, while mine eyes sparkle, with revengeful fire? (tiff, toff, tiff, toff,) Peace you fat bawson, peace, (tiff, toff, tiff, toff,) Seest not this fatal engine of my wrath? Villain I'll maul thee for thine old offences, And grind thy bones to powder with this pestle: You when I had no weapons to defend me, Could beat me out of doors; but now prepare, Make thy self ready, for thou shalt not escape. Thus does the great revengeful Appetite, Upon his fat foe, wreak his wrathful spite. Serve up, serve up, this is a fat Rabbet, would I might have the maidenhead of it, come give me the is there, who hath meddled with these maids? would? Jog me once again, and I'll throw this whole mess of pottage in your face, cannot one stand quiet at the dresser for you? I'll come presently, but I hope yowl stay till they be roasted, will you eat them raw? Reach the sauce quickly, here's no Sugar, whaw, wam, o, ou, o. How so, where? Come come Bacchus, you are so fat; enter enter. Well done, M scadine and Eggs stand hight; what but ter'd Claret? go thy way thou hadst best, for blind man that cannot see how wickedly thou lookest how now, what small thin fellow, are you here? would? Beer forsooth? get you gone to the buttery, till I call for you, you are none of Bacchus attendants, I am sure, he can not indare the smell of Malt. Whereas Ceres? o well, well, is the March-pa e broken? ill luck, ill luck, come hang't, never stand to set it together again; serve out fruit there; ( Enter Boys with a Ba ket, M rmolet, sweet &c. deliver it round among the Gentlewomen, and go out ) what do you come with roast meat after Apples, away with it. Digestion serve out cheese; what, but a pennyworth, it is joust the measure of his nose that sold it? lambs wool; the meekest meat in the world, will let any man fleece it. Snapdragon there. So-hoe Mendatio! so-hoe, so-hoe! I may well be called a maypole: for the Senses do no thing but dance a Morris about me. Friends with me? nay rather frenzy: I never knew them in such a case, in all my life. They want common Sense amongst them: there's such a hurly burly Auditus is stark deaf, and wonders why Men speak so so tly that he cannot here them: Visiu hath drunk himself e a ke blind, and therefore imagineth himself e to be Polyphemu : Tactus is raging mad, and cannot be otherwise persuaded, but he is Hercules furens; there's such conceits amongst them. I, I, I, otherwise called Polyphemus. What's that? a stumbling block? I if thou wilt, but first isle try whither he can see! Visus me thinks your eyes are well enough. To him Mendatio, to him, to h n. I, willt see me out-swagger him? And is not this the Stomach that defeated Nine yards of pudding, and a rank of pies? Did not I crush a seuenfolded Custards crust, And with my tongue, swept a well furnished table? Did not this throat at one good meal devour, That Stags sweet venison, and that strong Bulls beef? Why Visus, Visus. will you be killed? away, away. Cacus, I Cacus? would, would, would. Tactus you mistake me. I am yours to command. App titus. Fetch and All to keep you company. I must find you meat and the Devil find you cooks Which is the next way? You had better keep him alive to light Tobacco-pipes or to sweep chimneys. Hercules, Hercules, Hercules? do not you hear Omphal Hark how she calls you, hark? I talk of no bitting, I say whats the matter between Olfactus and you? Would would would would this is sine faith: would, would, would. Hear you, have you lost your ears at supper. Pish, pish this is my question. Hath your supper spoiled your hearing? Here's a do indeed, I think he is mad, as well as drunk or deaf. I say you have made me hoarse with speaking so loud. I am hoarse I tell you, and my head akes. Nay if you begin to critic once, we shall never have done. I ask you whither you have lost your hearing? Shut the door, the pot runs over, sirrah Cook that will be a sweet Pasty, if you nibble the venison so?