TRINCALO

HE that says I am not in love, he lies De cap à pe ; For I am idle, choicely neat in my clothes, valiant, and extreme witty: My meditations are loaded with metaphors, and my songs sonnets: Not a one shakes his tail, but I sighs out a passion: thus do I to my Mistress; but alas I kiss the dog, and she kicks me. I never see a young wanton Filly, but, say I, there go's Armellina ; nor a lusty strong Ass, but I remember my self, and fit down to consider what a goodly raze of Mules would inherit, if she were willing: only I want utterance, and that's a main mark of love too. Oh it's Armellina: now if she the wit to begin, as I mean she should, then will I confound her with compliments drawn from the Plays I see at the Fortune, and Read Bull, where I learn all the words I speak and understand not. There it's. Now are my floodgates drawn, and I'll sur round her. What have I brought sweet bit of beauty? a hundredth thousand salutations o'th' elder house to your most illustrious Ho nou_r_ and Worship. Full of the fruits of love, most resplendent Lady; a pre sent to your worthiness from your worship's poor vassal Trincalo. I love you, deer morsel of modesty, I love: and so truly, that I'll make you Mistress of my thoughts, Lady of my revenues, and commit all my moveables into your hands, that is, I give you and earnest kiss in the high way of Matrimony. This is the end of all business, most beautiful, and most worthy to be most beautiful Lady. Why now she knows my meaning, let it work: She put up the fruit in her lap, and threw away the basket: It's a plain sign, she abhor's the words, and embraces the meam ning: Oh lips, no lips, but leaves besmeared with mel-dew! o Due no Due, but drops of Honey combs! o combs no combs, but fountains full of tears! o tears no tears, but— How? transform things to men? I'll bring nine Tailors Refused last Muster, shall give five Marks a piece To shape three men of service out of all, And grant him remnant shreds above the bargain. Where shall poor Trincalo be? how's this? transformed? Transmuted? how? not I; I love my self Better then so: there's your Lease. I'de not venture For whole Fee-simple. Oh ho! Now do I smell astrologer's trick: he'll steep me In soldiers blood; or boil me in a Chaldron Of Barbarous Law French: Or anoint me over With supple oil of great men's services. For these three means raise Yeomen to the Gentry. Pardon me sir: I hate these medicines. Fie! All my posterity will smell and taste on't Long as the house of Trincalo endures. Resolved? it's done With this condition: after I have given your Worship My daughter Flaviam, you shall then move my Worship And much entreat me, to bestow my Maid Upon my self, I should say Trincalo. Now are you much deceived I never meant it. With virgins aprons? whole compass of this City Can not afford a dozen. Sir, if they kill me Il'e not stir a foot, And if my tongue's pulled out, not speak a word. Oh what a business it's to be transformed! My master talks of four and twenty hours, But if I mue these Flags of Yeomanry, Guild in the sear, and shine in bloom of gentry, It's not their Strology, nor Sacrifice, Shall force me cast that coat. I'll never partly with't Till I be Shriefe of county, and in commission Of Peace and Quorum. Then will I get m'a Clarke, A practised fellow, wiser then my Worship. And dominere amongst my fearful neighbours, And feast them bountifully with their own bribes. Sir, I do indeed, Witness my treasure cast away by shipwreck. Faith I remember no such thing excuse me. What may I call your name? What Harpax! I am your servant, I kiss your hands: You must excuse me, you never lent me money. Oh! I remember while I lived in Barbary A pretty song the Moors sing to a gridiron: Sweet Madame by your favour I'll sing't to this. Alcoch Dolash, &c. Thus it's in English. My heart in flames does fry Of thy beauty, While I Die. Fie? And why Shouldst thou deny Me thy sweet company? My brains to tears do flow While all below Does glow. Oh! Foe If so, How canst thou go About to say me no? This the Moors call two wings upon a Gridiron. But it goes sweeter far 'oth' iron Instrument. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Befits it me, A gentleman of public reputation, To stoop so low as satisfy the questions Of base and earthly pieces Like thy self? What art thou? would? Son Lelio? a blessing on my child, I pray thee tell me, How fares my servant Armellina ? well? What my deer daughter Flaviam ? no, but first Call Armellina : for this day we'll celebrate A gleek of Marriages: Pandolfo and Flaviam, Sulpitia and my self, and Trincalo With Armellina. Call her, good Lelio, quickly. Cross misfortune! Accursed Albumazar ! and mad Pandolfo ! To change me thus, that when I most desire To be my self, I cannot. Armellina! Fetch me a lookingglass. And then such quarreling: never a suit I wore to day, but hath been soundly basted. Only this faithful Country case scaped fist-free; and be it spoken in a good hour, was never beaten yet since it came from fulling! CRicca I overheard your news: all parts are pleased Except my self. Is there no news for Trincalo ? Sweet Madame, I read nothing but the lines of your La diships countenance, and desire only to kiss the skirts of your garment, if you vouchsafe me not the happiness of your white hands. Oh sweet! now will I never wash my mouth after, nor breath but at my nostrils, least I lose the taste of her fingers. Ar mellina, I must tell you a secret if you'll make much on't. Like a lean horse t'a fresh and lusty Pasture. Ten pound; and find't too deer a pennyworth. Serve you? I'll serve, reserve, conserve, preserve, Deserve you for th'one half: o Armellina, A Jointure, hai a Jointure! what's your employment? Stay, Sir. Say I am transformed; who shall enjoy the Lease? I? or the person I must turn to. In-faith as much As betwixt your Worship and my self. Well, sir, I'de rather starve in this my loved Image, Then hazard thus my life, for others looks. Change is a kind of death, I dare not try it. to Antonio's form? was not Antonio a Gentleman? Are you assured? 'twould grieve me to be brayed In a huge Mortar, wrought to past, and moulded To this Antonio's mould: Grant I be turned: what then? Except my hands; and it'll be troublesome To fit these fingers to Antonio's gloves. Now do I feel the calf of my right leg Tingle, and dwindle to smallness of a bedstaff. Such a speech more turns my high shoes strait boots. Oh my right arm! it's altered, and me thinks Longs for a sword: these words have slain a Plowman. What towns are these? the strangeness of these names, Hath scaled the marks of many a painful harvest, And made my new-pil'd fingers itch for dice. Wear a gold chain at every quarter Sessions, Look big, and graven, and speak not one wise word. Examine wenches God with child, and curiously Search all the circumstances: have blank Mittimuses Printed in readiness; breathe nought but Sirrah, Rogue, would? how? hum? Constable look to your charge. Then vouch a Statute and a Latin Sentence, Wide from the matter. Faith no; but building Castles in the air. While weather's fit: Oh Cricca, such a business! Nay soft, th'are secrets of my master. Locked in my breast: he has the key at's purse-strings. Oh how it boils and swells: if I keep't longer, It'll grow impostume in my breast, and choke me, Cricca. But hearest thou, Say I should tell, canst keep't as close as I do? Albumazar. What care I for a life, that have a lease For three? But I am certain there's no danger in't. Cricca thou understandest not: for Antonio Whom I resemble, suffers all: not I. Doctor Albumazar, I have a vein of drinking, And artery of lechery runs through my body: Pray when you turn me gentleman, preserve Those two, if to may be done with reputation. I find my thoughts Most strangely altered but me thinks my face Feels still Like Trincalo. Give me a lookingglass To read your skill in these new lineaments. Divine Albumazar I kiss your hands. My veins are filled with newness: o for a Chyrurgian To open this Arm, and view my gentle blood, To try if't run two thousand pounds a year. I feel my understanding is enlarged With the rare knowledge of this latter age. A sacred fury oversways me. Prime! Deal quickly play, discard, I set ten shillings six pence. You see't? my rest, five and fifty. Boy, more cards; And as thou goest, lay out some roaring oaths For me; I'll pay thee again with interest. Oh brave Albumazar! At gleek? content. A morneuall of Ases, gleek of Knaves, Just nine apiece. Sir my grey Barbary against your Don cow, three train sents and course, For fifty pound: as I am a gentleman I'll meet next Cocking, and bring a haggard with me That stoops as free as lightning, strikes Like thunder. I lie? my reputation you shall hear on't. Oh brave Albumazar! There's not a crumb of Trincalo. In all this frame, but Love of Armellina : Were't not for thee I'de travail, and home again As wise as I went over. I thank you sir: Antonio is your servant, I am glad to see you well. Fie, I kiss your hands: and thus accost you. And so they well might do, For five days I was under water; and at length God up and spread my self upon a chest, Rowing with arms, and steering with my feet; And thus in five days more God land: believe it I made a most incredible escape, And safe return from Barbary : at your service. Yes, yes, as well as 'twere but yesterday. My life here's ten pound more. I thank you heartily. Dangers at Sea, I find, have hurt my memory. It's true, it's true; but I sustained great losses By reason of the shipwreck. Here's five pieces, Will that content you? and to morrow morning Come to my house and take the rest. I see we gentlemen can sometime borrow As well as lend, and are as loath to pay As meaner men. I'll home, lest other creditors Call for the rest. And I accept your joy with Like affection. How do you call your self? Oh I remember now my deer friend Ronca. I fear I owe him money: how shall I shift him? How do's your body Ronca ? Yes dearest Ronca. How's this? I see his hands, and yet my purse is gone. And kiss my hands of liberality? I gave him nothing: Oh my purse, my purse! Dear master Ronca. But I mean where's your other hand? Villain, rogue, cutpurse, thief, deer Ronca stay: he's gone I'th Devils name, how could this fellow do it? I felt his hands fast locked about my neck; And still he spoke, it could not be his For that was full of deer Antonio. My life he stol't with's feet: such a trick more Will work worse with me then a lookingglass. To lose five pound in curtsy, and the rest In salutation! Ronca a rogue, a cutpurse, Hath robbed me of five twenty-shilling pieces. Had such a thievish countenance as your own, But that he wore a black patch over his eye. Whom do you talk withal fair gentlewoman? With me? What's your desire with me sweet Lady? Now I smell the business This is some gentlewoman enamoured With him whose shape I bear: Fie, what and Ass Was I to strange my self, and lose occasion Of a good banquet, and her company? Il'e mend it as I can. Madame I did but jest To try if absence caused you to forget A friend that loved you ever. Madam, the waves had drowned me. But that your love held up my chin. Sweet Lady pardon me, I'll follow you. Happy Antonio in so rare a Mistress! But happier I, that in his place enjoy her: I say still, there's no pleasure Like Transforming. pinola's Campe's broke lose: a troop of Soldiers! One man, and wear so many names! Ha'you no trunk nor chest to hide me? But hear you Madam, Is there no lookingglass within't, for I hate glasses As naturally, as some do Cats, or Cheese. Pox of all Transmutation, I am smothered. Lady, as you love me, give the Hogshead vent. The beer that's in't will work and break the vessel. 'Twas a hard passage: but not so dangerous As was this Vessel. Pray you conceive no ill, I meant no harm, but called at your wife to know How my son Lelio did, and daughter Flaviam. But I must tell you one thing, You must not be so jealous, on my honour She's very honest. Let's have a fire; and while I dry my self, Provide good wine and meat. I'll dine with you. I must not home thus wet. I am something bold with you. When this transformed substance of my carcase Did live imprisoned in a wanton hogshead, My name was Done Antonio, and that title Preserved my life, and changed my suit of clothes. How kindly the good Gentlewoman used me! with what respect and careful tenderness! Your worship fit had ever a sickly consti tution, and I fear much more now since your long travail as you love me, off with these wet things, and put on the suit you left with me before you went to Barbary. Good sir neglect not your health: for upon my experience there's nothing worse for the rheum, then to be drenched in a musty hogshead. Pretty soul such another speech would have drawn off my legs and arms, as easily as hose and doublet. Had I been Trincalo I'de have sworn had cheated. But fie! it's base and clownish to suspect, and a gentlewoman's free ness to partly with a cast suit. Now to the business. I'll in to my own house, and first bestow Armellina upon Trincalo, then try what can be done for Pandolfo : for it's a rule I wont t'obserue. First do your own affairs, and next your Master's. This word master makes me doubt I am not changed as I should be. But al's one, I'll venture, and do something worthy Antonio's name while I have it. He calls me gentleman. See virtue of good clothes: all men salute, Honour, respect and reverence us. How sirrah Saucebox, my name? Or thou some stranger art, or grossly ignorant That knowest not me. Would! what art thou that askest it? Thou liest base Sycophant, my worship owes it. Long as Antonio possessed it. Antonio Anastasio. That Anastasio, That self same man am I: I scaped by swimming, And now return to keep my former promise Of Flaviam to Pandolfo ; and in exchange, To take Sulpitia to my wife. Be what thou wilt, except Antonio, It's death to touch that name. How? prating still? why Timothy, be gone, Or draw, and lay Antonio down betwixt us, Let fortune of the fight decide the question. Here's a brave rogue, that in the Kings highway Offers to rob me of my good name. Draw. If we concur in all, write a formal challenge, And bring thy second: mean while I'll make provision Of Calais sand to fight upon securely. Would! Cricca, where's Trincalo ? dost see him here? Thou'rt much deceived, thou neither seest nor knowest me. I am transformed, transformed. I feel it as I am Antonio. Well, I was taken for Antonio, And in his name received ten pound in gold, Was by his mistress entertained; but thou Enuy'st my happiness: if th'hast th'ambition To rise as I have done: Go to Albumazar, And let him change thee to a Knight, or Lord. A world of engines cannot wrest my thoughts, From being a Gentleman: I am one, and will be: And though I be not, yet will think my self so: And scorn thee Cricca, as a slave and servant. This rascal Cricca with his arguments Of malice, so disturbs my gentle thoughts, That I half doubt I am not what I seem: But that will soon be cleared; if they receive me In at Antonio's house, I am Antonio. So: this is well that Lelio Confesses me his father. Now I am perfect, Perfect Antonio. To one that love's thee dearly, dearly wench. A goodly man, Like me in limbs and fashion. That's he. Alas poor soul, How prettily she weeps for me! Wilt see him? Pox of Antonio, I am Tom Trincalo. Why laughest thou? I am within, thy love; without, thy Master. Th'Astrologer transformed me for a day. Carry me to your chamber. Try me there. Was not the face I wore, far worse then this? But for thy comfort, Wench, Albumazar Hath died my thoughts so deep i'th' grain of Gentry, It's not a glass can rob me of my good fashion, And Gentlemanly garb. Follow, my deer. Is this the recompense of my days work? You kill me sir. Pray you sir! Would, would, would won! I answer. First, I never was transformed, But guled, as you were, by th'Astrologer And those that called m' Antonio. To prove this true, The gentleman you spoke with, was Antonio, The right Antonio, safely returned from Barbary. I am sorry I must excuse you. But I pardon you. What Plate, what jewels? He gave me none. But when he went to change me, After a thousand circles and ceremonies, He binds me fast upon a form, and blinds me With a thick Table-napkin. Not long after Unbinds my head and feet, and gives me light: And then I plainly saw, that I saw nothing; The Parler was clean swep't of all was in't. Pray give me leave: this side says do't, this do not. Before I leave you Tom Trincalo take my counsel. Thy Mistress Armellina is Antonios Maid, And thou in his shape mayest possess her. Turn. But if I be Antonio, then Antonio Enjoys that happiness, not Trincalo. A pretty trick to make my self a Cuckold. No, no; there, take your Lease. I'll hang first. Soft, Be not so choleric Thomas: If I become Antonio, Then all his riches follow. This fair occasion Once vanished, hope not the Like; of a stark Clown I shall appear speck and span Gentleman. A pox of Ploughs, and Carts, and Whips, and Horses. Then Armellina shall be given to Trincalo, Three hundred Crowns her portion: we'll get a boy And call him Transformation Trincalo. I'll doo't sir. I did but jest. And yet my hand, I'll do't. For I am mutable And therefore apt to change. Come, come sir, quickly, Let's to th'Astrologer, and there transform, Reform, conform, deform me at your pleasure. I loath this Country countenance; dispatch: my skin Itch's Like Snakes in April, to be strip't off. , o quickly, as you love Flaviam, quickly. License all Alehouses, Match my son Transformation t'a knights daughter, And buy a bouncing Pedigree of a welsh Heralt: and then— Albumazar. Albumazar Th'Astrologer hath undertook to change me to Antonio's shape: this done, must I give Flaviam To my old master, and his maid to Trincalo. Gone newly home to choose a chamber fitting For transmutation: So now my heart's at ease. And when you come to Hart, spoil not the love of Armellina. And in my brain leave as much discretion As may spy falsehood in a Tavern reckoning; And let me alone for bounty to wink and pay't. And if you change me perfectly, I'll bring y'a dozen knights for customers. As fast as Alchochoden and Almuten Can carry me: for sure these two are Devils. Here sir. Now am I grown a gentleman, and a fine one, I know't by kissing of my hands so courtly, My courteous knees bend in so true a distance, As if my foot walked in a frame of purpose. Thus I accost you: or thus, sweet sir, your servant: Nay more, your servants servant: that's your grand-servant. I could descend from top of Paul's to bottom, And on each step strew parting compliments, Strive for a door while a good Carpenter Might make a new one. I am your shadow sir, And bound to wait upon you. Faith I will not: pray sir, &c. Oh brave Albumazar ! Now I know I am perfectly transformed, my mind incites me To challenge some brave fellow for my credit, And for more safety, get some friend in private To take the business up in peace and quiet. Is the gold good, for mine was good I lent you. Farewell good servant, would, would, would, would, would. I know not so much as his name! ten pound? this change is better then my birth: for in all the years of my yeomanry I could never yoke two crowns, and now I have hearded ten fair twenty shil ling pieces. Now will I go to this Astrologer, and hire him turn my Cart to a Caroch, my four Jades to two pair of Dutch mares, my mistress Armellina to a Lady, my Plow-boy Dick to two guar dead footmen: then will I hurry my self to the Mercers books, wear rich clothes, be called Tony by a great man, fell my lands, pay no debts, hate Citizens, and beat Sergeants: and when all fails, Sneak out of Antonio with a twopenny lookingglass, and turn as true Trincalo as ever. I thank you sir. While my deer Ronca Clipped me, my purse shook dangerously; yet both his arms And hands embraced my neck: here's none behind me, How can this be? Show me your hand. But where th'other? Give me your right. Your left. Now both. Why are you married? Oh I remember him: but if he come? It's as high as Pauls. Open the Garden door. O I am drowned, I drown! I drown, I smother! Who? you mean Pandolfo's Farmer. Alas poor fool, he's a stark Ass, but harmless. And though she talk with him, it's but to laugh, As all the world do's at him: Come be friends At my entreaty. Led in. Alas poor, Trincalo hadst thou been taken, Thou hadst be tunned for Turkey. Would; would, would; fair fallen Antonio's shape. What a notorious Wittal's this! Would, would, would. How? one with thee? speak such another sillable, And by the terror of this deadly steel, That never saw light, but sent to endless darkness All that durst stand before't: thou diest. What art now? What boldness madded thee to steal my name? And sirrah when you're drunk, Is there no person to put on, but mine, To cover your intended villainies? And Ox, and Ass, a dog. Stay. Understandest thou well nice points of duel? Art born of gentle blood, and pure dissent? Was none of all thy lineage hanged, or cuckold? Bastard, or bastinadoed? is thy pedigree As long and wide as mine? For otherwise Thou Wertenberg most unworthy; and 'twere lose of honour In me to fight. More, I have drawn five teeth: If thine stand found, the terms are much unequal. And by strict laws of duel, I am excused To fight on disadvantage. My name is Done Antonio, I am now going To my own house, to give Pandolfo Flaviam, And Armellina to his Farmer Trincalo. How darest thou Cricca, but a meaner servant, Resemble me, a man of worth and worship, To such a clown as Trincalo, a branded fool, And Ass, a laughingstock to Town and Country? Art not ashamed to name him with Antonio? Villain, th'hast broke my shoulders. I with a pox. It's I, it's I. Oh Armellina! Come let me kiss thy brow Like my own daughter. True; and being drowned, Nothing so grieved me as to lose thy company. But since I am safe returned, for thy good service I'll help thee to a husband. He's not Like me In years and gravity, but fair proportion. A handsome well-set man as I. It's Tom Trin calo of Totnam, Then swear to keep my counsel. Why I am Trincalo. Look upon me and see him. I do not. Now would I break this head against the stones, To be unchanged; fie on this Gentry, it stick's Like Birdlime, or the Pox. I can not partly with't. Within, I am still thy Farmer Trincalo. Fetch one. Let my old masters business sink or swim, This sweet occasion must not be neglected. Now shall I know th'Astrologers skill: o wonderful! Admired Albumazar in two transmutations: Here's my old Farmers face. How in and instant I am unchanged that was so long a changing. Here's my flat nose again, &c. Now Armellina take thy loved Trincalo To thy desired embracements, use thy pleasure, Kiss him thy bellyful. Help Armellina, help! I am fallen i'th' cellar: Bring a fresh Plantane leaf, I have broke my shin. You'll Beatrice me out on't sir: how have I wronged you? Farewell humility. Now am I beaten sober. ( takes away Pandolfo's staff ) Shall age and weakness master my youth and strength? Now speak your pleasure: what's my fault? I have been faithful In all you trusted me. I give your Mistress? Why when was I your judge? See your error! Then was I fast locked in Antonio's Cellar: Where making virtue of necessity, I drunk stark drunk; and waking, found my self Clothed in this Farmers suit, as in the morning. Would, would, would! Would, would, would! While Trincalo laughs, and falls the staff, Pan dolfo recovers it, and beats him. Have you God mistress Patience ? would, would, would! Would, would! Truth it self. Believe me no such matter: I never was gentleman, nor otherwise Then what I am, unless 'twere when I was drunk. Pardon you? When you have beaten me to past, good Trincalo Pardon me? What ails you? Sir, what ails you? Lose not your patience too. Leave this lamenting, And lay the Town; you may recover it. Haj! I'll follow. TWo hundred Crowns? and twenty pound a year For three good lives? Cargo ! Hai Trincalo ! My wife's extremely busy, dressing the supper For these great marriages; and I not idle, So that I cannot entertain you here As I would elsewhere. But if you come to Totnam Some four days hence, and ask for Trincalo At sign o'th Hogshead; I'll mortgage all my lives To bid you welcome. You that love Trincalo, And mean to meet, clap hands and mak't a bargain. WElcome old trusty Trincalo, good Farmer welcome! give me thy hand, we must not partly hereafter. Fie, what a trou ble it's to be out of a men self! If gentlemen have no pleasure but what I felt to day; a term of horses shall not drag me out of my profession. There's nothing amongst them but borrowing, come pounding for half their debts, and have their purse cut for the rest, cosened by whores, frighted with husbands, washed in wet hogsheads, cheated of their clothes, and falling in cellars for conclusion.