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Full speech
¶ Is not this a worthy knight that with a snail dareth not fight Except he have his servants aid Is this the chaumpyon that makes all me ̄ afraid I am a poor soldier come of late from ̄ Calais I trust or I go to debate some of his malice I will tarry my time tell I do see Betwixt him and the snail what the end will be ¶ I promise you, this is as worthy a knight as ever shall breed out of a bottle bite I think he be Dares of whom Virgyll does write That would not let entellus alone But ever provoked and ever called on But yet at the last he took a fallen And so within a while, I trow I make the shall ¶ By my troth, I think that very scant This lubber dare adventure to fight with and ant Oh Jupiter Lord dost thou not see and hear How he fears the snail as it were a bear Thou needs not seek any further for ready I am here I will debate anon I trow thy bragging cheer What needeth this boost? I am here at hand That with the will fight keep the head and stand Surely for all thy hie words I will not fear To assay the a touch till some blood appear I will give the somewhat for the gift of a new year Thou that dost seek giants to conquer Come forth if thou dare, and in this place appear Fie for shame dost thou so soon take flight Come forth and show somewhat of thy might Thou old Trot, sayest thou any man come this way well armed and weaponed and ready to fight ¶ He did avoid in time, for without doubts I would have set on his back some clouts It I may take him I will make all slowches To beware by him, that they come not in my clowches ¶ Wilt thou so in deed? High the make good speed I am at hand here pressed Put away tongue shaking and this foolish craking Let us try for the best Cowards make speak a pace Srypes proveth man Have now at thy face Keep of if thou can Why thou lubber runnest thou away and leavest thy sword and thy club thee behind Now this is a sure card, now I may well say That a coward craking here I did find Masters you may see by this play in sight That great barking dogs, do not most bite And oft it is seen that the best men in the Host Be not such, that use to brag most If you will avoid the danger of confusion Print my words in heart and mark this conclusion Such gifts of God that you excel in most Use them with soberness and your self never bow Seek the laud of God in all that you do So shall virtue and honour come you too But if you give your minds, to the sin of pride Vanish shall your virtue, your honour away will slide For pride is hated of God above And meekness soonest obtaineth his love to your rulers and parents, be you obedient Never transgressing their lawful commandment Be you merry and joyful at board and at bed Imagine no traitourye against your prince and head Love God and fear him and after him your king Which is as victorious as any is living Pray for his grace, with hearts that doth not fain that long he may rule us without grief or pain beseech you also that God may save his queen Lovely Lady Jane, & the prince that he hath send them between to augment their joy and the commons felicity Fare you well sweet audie ̄ ce, God grant you all prosperity
Plot summary
Plot — Thersites
Thersites has returned from the siege of Troy, but has lost most of his military equipment in a fire. He buys armour from Mulciber the smith. Newly equipped, he grows boastful, and challenges members of the audience to fight him, but nobody takes him up on it. His mother tries unsuccessfully to persuade him not to fight, and prays that at least he will not be hurt. He does battle with a snail, but his performance does not impress a soldier, who fights him. Thersites runs away and hides behind his mother, emerging when the coast is clear. Ulysses writes to Thersites asking him to help procure medical help for Telemachus, who is troubled with the worms. Thersites asks his mother to do a charm, but she will not oblige because Ulysses has been unfriendly in the past. Thersites threatens to beat her, but the promise of hospitality at Ulysses' house is more persuasive. She does a spell on Telemachus, then goes off to Ulysses' house. Thersites confides in the audience that he wishes her dead. He also plans to take his revenge on the soldier who attacked him, but the soldier returns, beats him off the stage, and moralizes to the audience about braggarts.