DICCON

MAny a mile have I walked, diverse and sundry wai And many a good ma ̄ S house have I been at in my days Many a gossips cup in my time have I tasted And many a broche and spit, have I both turned and basted Many a piece of acon have I had out of their balks In running over the country, with long and were walks, Yet came my foot n ver, within those door changed ekes, To seek flesh or Fish Garlic, Onions or Lecks. That ever I saw a sort, in such a plight As here within this house ap er that to my S ght, There is howling and sco ling a l adamye, With whewling and puling, as though they had lost a trump Sighing and sobbing, they weep and they wail I marvel in my mind, what the devil they ail The old Trot sits groaning, with alas and alas, And Tib wrings her hands, and takes on in worse case With poor Cock their boy, they be driven in such fits I fear me the folks be not well in their wits, Ask them what they ail, or who brought them in this stay? They answer not at all, but alack and wellaway When I saw it booted not, out at doors I hied me And caught a slip of Bacon, when I saw that none spied me, Which I intend not far hence, unless my purpose fail Shall serve for a shoinghorne to draw on two pots of ale. ¶ By my father's soul Hodge, if I should now besworne I can not choose but say thy breech is foul be torn, But the next remedy in such a case and hap Is to planch on a piece, as broad as thy cap. ¶ Hoge, let thy breeches go, and speak and tell me soon What devil aileth Gam ̄ mere gurton, & Tib her maid to frown, ¶ Nay by the mass, I perfectly perceived as I came hither That either Tib & her dame hath been by the cares to gether Or else as great a matter as thou shalt shortly see. ¶ By gogs soul there they fit as still as stones in the streite As though they had been take ̄ with fairies or else w to some ill sprite ¶ Why Hodge art thou inspired? or dedst thou thereof here? ¶ Why Hodg lies the conning in Tom tankards cows tail? ¶ What devil can I tell man, I cold not have one word They gave no more heed to my talk then thou wouldst to a lord WEll done be Gogs malt, well song and well said, Come on mother Chat as thou art true maid, fresh pot of ale lets see to make and end Against this cold weather my naked arms to defend, This gere it warms the so le, now wind blow on the worst, And let us drink and swill, till that our bellies burst Now were he a wise man, by cunning cold define Which way my Journey lies or where Dyccon will dine But one good turn I have be it by night or day South, East, North or west, I am never out of my way. ¶Hail fellow Hodge & will to face, w to thy meat, I y u have any! But by thy words as I the ̄ smelled, thy daintrels be not many. ¶ Why hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set: ¶Ill luck quod he, marry swear it hodg, this day y e truth to tell Thou rose not on thy right side, or else bl to thee not well. Thy milk slopped up, thy banco ̄ fill ched, that was to bade luck hodg. ¶ Why Hodge? ¶ How so Hodge? ¶ Her Eel Hodge, who fished of late? that was a dainty dish. ¶I know not what a devil y u me ̄ est, y u bringest me more in doubt ¶ Her needle Hodge, now I smel thee, y to was a chance alone, By y e mass y u hadst a shameful lose, & it were but for that to ¶ How sayest y u Hodg, what should he have, again thy n le God ¶ Canst thou keep counsel in this case. ¶Do than but then by my advise, & I will fetch it w to to doubt, ¶Why, is there any special cause, thou takest hereat such sorrow ¶ Well Hodge this is a matter of weight, & must be kept close, It might else turn to both our costs as the world now goose, Shalt sware to be no blab Hodge. ¶ Then go to, Lay thine hand here, say after me as thou shalt here me do Haste no book? ¶ Then needs must force us both, Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath. ¶Yea in good faith, that is the way, Fetched with some pretycharme. ¶Come hither then and stir the nat One inch out of this Circle Plate But stand as I thee teac e. ¶ The master devil with his long paws Here to thee can not reach: Now will I settle me to this gear. ¶ What devil man, art afraid of nought ¶ Stand still to it, why shouldst thou fear him? ¶ The matter is no worse then I told it, ¶ Stand to it Hodge, stur not you horson, What Devil, be thine ars strings brusten? Thy self a while but stay, The devil I smell him will be here anon. FIE shytten knave, and out upon thee Above all other louts fie on thee, Is not here a cleanly prank? But thy matter was no better Nor thy pres nce here no sweter, To fly I can the thank: Here is a matter worthy glossing Of Gammer Gurtone needle losing And a foul piece of work, A man I think might make a play And need no word to this they say Being but half a Clarke. Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge This matter further to en large Within a time short, If you will mark my toys, and note I will give you leave to cut my throat If I make not good sport, Dame Chat I say, where be you, within? ¶ Here is a good fellow, makes no great danger, ¶ Nay, nay, there is no tarrying: I must be gone again But first for you in council I have a word or twain. ¶ Nay soft a title yet, I would not tell it my sister, the matter is so great, There I will have you swear by our dear Lady of Bullaine, S. Dunstone, and S. Donnyke, with the three Kings of Kul lain, That you shall keep it secret. ¶ That cock is stolen. ¶ I can not tell where y e devil he was kept, under key or lock. But Tib hath tykled in Gammers ear, that you should steal the cock ¶ What soft, I say be Still. Say not one word for all this gear. ¶Not one word dame Chat I say, not one word for my coat. ¶ Gogs bred woma ̄ hold your peace, this gere will else pass sport I would not for and hundred pound, this matter should be known, That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown Did you not swear you would be ruled, before the tale I told I said you must all secret keep, and you said sure you would. ¶ No goodwi e chat I would be lot such drabs should blot my name But yet you must so order all, y e Diccon hear no blame. ¶ God a mercy to dame chat, in faith thou must the gere begin It is twenty pound to a goose turd, my gammer will not tarry But hetherward she comes as fast as her legs can her carry, To brawl with you about her cock, for well & hard Tib say The Cock was roasted in your house, to breafast yesterday, And when you had the carcase eaten, the feathers you out flunge And Worser ll your maid the legs she hid a foot deep in the dung. ¶ Well ro e your self a space And gammer gurton when she comes a on into this place Then to the Quean lets see tell her your mind & spare not So Diccon blameless be, and then go to I care not. ¶ Well eepe it in till she be here and then out let it pour, In the mean whi get you in, and make no words of this More of this matt w to in this hour to here you shall not miss Because I know you are my friend, hide it I cold not doubtless You know your harm, see you be wise about your own business So fare you will. You see Master's y e one end tapped of this my short devise Now must woe br I theter to, hour the smoke arise And by the time they have a while run. (I trust you needs not crave it. But look what lies in both their hearts you ar Like sure to have it ¶ A man is well hied to trust to thee, I will say nothing but mum But and you come any nearer I pray you see all be sweet. ¶ She may than ̄ ke thee it is not fou ̄ worser, for if y u had kept thy sta ̄ ding The devil he would have fetched it out, even hodg at thy continued ̄ manding ¶ You foolish dolt, you were to seek, ear we had g to our ground, Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I cold not perceive it. ¶ If y u hadst tarried where thou stoodst, thou wouldst have said so ¶ The horson talked to me. I know not well of what One while his tongue it ran and paltered of a Cat, Another while he stamered Still upon a Rat, Last of all there was nothing but every word Chat, Chat, But this I well perceived before I would him rid, Between Chat, and the Rat, and the Cat, the needle is hid, Now weather Gyb our cat have eat it in her maw, Or Doctor Rat our curate have found it in the straw, Or this dame chat your neighbour have stolen it, God he know weth But by y e morrow at this time, we shall learn how the matter go eth ¶ Tys not possible to make it sooner appear, ¶ To morrow hodg if we chance to meet, shalt see what I will say. Now this gere must forward go, for here my gammer: comes, Be still a while & say nothing, make here a little romth. ¶Now Jesus gammer gurto ̄ , what driveth you to this sadne I fear me by my conscience, you will sure fallen to madness. ¶ Marry fie on them y to be worthy, but what should be your trouble, ¶ Your needle, when? ¶If this be all good gammer, I warrant you all is save. ¶ Yea that I do doubtless, as you shall here anon, A see a thing this matter touches, within these .xx. hours, Even at this gate, before my face, by a neighbour of yours, She stooped me down, and up she took a needle or a pin: I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my moth rs kin. ¶ A S ttle quean as any in this Town, (your neighbour here dame Chat. ¶ Take my council yet or you go, for fear you walk in wast, It is a murrion crafty drab, and froward to be pleased. And you take not the better way, our needle yet you loose it: For when she took it up, even here before your doors What soft dame chat (quoth I) that same is none yours Avant (quoth she) sir knave, what pratest thou of that : I would y to hadst kissed me I wot where: (she meant I know ) And home she went as brag, as it had been a , And I after as bold, as it had been, the goodman of the : But there and you had hard her, how she began to scold The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold, Each other word I was a knave, and you a boar of hores, Because I spoke in your behalf, and said the needle was yours, ¶Let her alone, and she minds non other but eve ̄ to dress you so ¶Sleep not you gere I counsel you, but of this take good heed Let not be known I told you of it, how well soever you speed. Here will the sport begin, if these two once may meet. Their cheer durst lay money will prove scarcely sweet My gammer sure intends, to be upon her bones, Which staves, or with clubs, or else with cobble stones. Dame Chat on the other side, if she be far behind I am right far deceived she is given to it of kind, He than may tarry by it a while, and that but shorts I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport Into the town will I, my friends to vysit there And hither straight again to see th'end of this gere In the mean time fellows, pipe vpp your fiddles, I say take them And let your Friends here such mirth as you can make them. ¶ Nay by S. Benit will I not, then might ra . ¶ I marry gammer: but I said I by it. ¶ Stick to it quoth you master rat, marry r I de y it. Nay there is many and honest man, when he such blasts hath blown In his Friends ears, he would be loath the same by him were known If such a toy be used oft among the honesty It may be seem a simple man, if your and my degree ¶ Yes marry sir, if you will do by mine advise and counsel, If mother chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes Therefore I read you three go hence, and within keep close, And I will into dame chats house, and so the matter use, That or you cold go twice to church, I warrant y u hight now, She shall look well about his, but I durst ay a pledge, You shall of gammers needle, have shortly better knowledge. ¶ Dys but a little whi e man, what take so much pain, If I here no news of it I with l come sooner again. ¶ Now sirs do you no more, but keep my counsel just, And Doctor Rat shall thus catch, some good I trust, But mother Chat my gossop, talk first with all I must: For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust, God deuen am Chat in faith, and well met in this place. ¶ By my truth even to you, to learn how the world goes, Hard you no more of the other matter, say me now by your troth ¶ By the most I can the thank wench, so w l acquit the ¶ Oh Lord there is the thing That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and ding ¶ Even now I saw him last, Like a mad man he arde, And sware by heaven and hell he would a wreak his sorrow And leave you never a hen on li e by viii. of the clock to morrow, Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that you trust Your hens be as good as dead, if you leave them on the rust. ¶ Well yet take heed I say, I must tell you my tale round, Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead: A hold where a crafty knave, may creep in for neade? ¶ Hodge, he intends this same night, to slip in there aways. ¶ watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your crede I would spend my self a shilling: to have him swinged well. ¶ I tell you as my sister, you know what means mum, Now lack I but my doctor, to play his partly again And so where he comes towards, peradventure to his pain. ¶ She is sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom: Yet did I take h r tardy, as S btle as she was. ¶ I have done that I have done, be it worse be it better. And dame Chat at her wits end, I have almost set her. ¶ I have spied it in faith sir, I handled my self so well, And yet the crafty quean, had almost take my trump. But or all came to and end. I set her in a dump: ¶ Marry sir will you hear? She was clapped down on the backside, by cocks mother dear And there she sat sewing a halter, or a band, With no other thing save gammers needle in her hand, As soon as any knock, if she filth be in double, She needs but once puff, and her candle is out: Now I sir knowing of every door she pin. Came nycely, and said no word, till time I was within, And there I saw the needle, even with these tuum yes, Who ever say the contrary, I will swear he lies. ¶ Well, if you will be ordered, and do by my read. I will bring you to a place, as the house stands. Where you shall take the drab, with the needle in his hands ¶ Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say, Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way: See you not what is here a hold wherein you may creep Into the house, and suddenly unwares among them leap, There shall you find the Bitchfox and the needle together Do as I bid you man, come on your ways hither. ¶ I was within my self man even now, there is no doubt, Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot sir John, Here will I wait upon you, Till you come out anon. ¶ If they give you not the needle, tell them that you will would ̄ g them Beware that, hoow my wenches, have you caught the Fox, That used to make revel, among your hens and Cocks: Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain Gogs bred, I am afraid, they will beat out his brain. ¶ God bless you, and you may be blessed so many all at once ¶ A we ̄ geance on those hands lite, for my would ̄ de cam not never him The horsen priest hath lift the pot, in some of these alewyues chairs That his head would not serve him, belike to come down the stairs. ¶ What if I have five hundred such have I seen within these seven years: I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport Which was between them when ̄ they met, as they the ̄ selves re port ¶ Yea marry sir, thus much I can say well, the needle is lost. ¶ No by my faith sir. though I might have and hundred pound. ¶ No hodge, by the same token, you where that time be S itten? For fear of Hobgobling, you wot well what I mean, As long as it is sense, I fear me yet you be scarce clean. ¶ Go to M. Baily say on your mind, I know you are my friend ¶ No by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it? Lo e as I have promised, I will not denay it, But Hodge take good heed now, thou do not beshite me. And gave him a good blow on the buttock. ¶ Nor I much the gladder for all this noise: Yet say gramercy Diccon, for springing of the game. ¶ Soft sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more, As proud coms behind they say, as any goes before, But now my good Master's since we must be gone And leave you behind us, here all alone: Since at our last ending, thus merry we be, For Gammer Gurtons needle sake, let us have a plaudyti . ¶ Then farewell hodge a while, since thou dost inward hast, For I will into the good wife Chats, to feel how the ale doth taste. ¶ Now Hodge see thou take heed And do as I thee bid For so I judge it meet, This eole again to win There is no shift therein But conjure up a spreete. ¶ Here is Gam ̄ mere gurton your neighbour, a sad & heavy wight Her goodly fair read Cock, at home. was stole this last night. ¶ What devil need he be groping so deep, in good wife Chats he ̄ S nest ¶ Gods bred, hath not such and old fool, wit to save his ears? He showeth himself herein you see, so very a Cox, The Cat was not so madly allured by the Fox, To run into the snares, was set for him doubtless, For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness. ¶ What fast at cards, or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did last.