BUBULCUS

If I were a woman, now could I fallen in love with my self: every body tells me I am the properest Gentleman in the Town, and I put it up, for the truth is, I dare not give any one the lie, a pox a fighting, I can look as big as another, but shall I be such and Ass, to venture my self with beasts? for they say, your swords most commonly are Foxes, and have notable mettle in'em; let me see, I am now at Rufaldoes my father in Law that must be, here he is. By this flesh that shines, a man would not take you to be above five or six and thirty at most, how came this? No, mine was but raked up in the embers. Pray, how does my Sweetheart Mistress Hillaria. No matter, sir, for that, I would not have her easi lie, I would sweat for her, I'll warrant, I'll make her love me. Itroth the Ditty is as pretty and air as ere I saw, it's divided into three regions too, I warrant you, can make Ballads easily. But for all that, I have read good stuff sometime, especially in your fighting Ballads, When Cannons are roa ring, and bullets are flying, &c. As sweet and air as a man would wish to live in, but it's somewhat backward. I should have learned Music once too, but my Master had so many crochets, I could never away with it: but where is your daughter, sir? there is no Music with out her, she is the best Instrument to play upon. I had as lief be betwixt hers, for all that. I do not see what fault shee'can find with me, and if I had some good word to come over her: but I must help it out and need be, with swearing; but here she is. Let me alone to enter my man, now the point is open: hum, stay, there's a man in her Tables more then I looked for: foot, he kisses her, I'll call Rufaldo back, he's out of sighed, it were but a cowardly trick, for me to run away. He talks of suet, I do melt already. I will set a good face whatsoever come. Hilaria, how does my Love, come kiss: why so: this comes of valour, we fallen to, and he falls off, he's some coward, I hope, and how dost Hilaria? it's and age since I saw thee: what Springals is that? would. My acquaintance, who is he? none but Knights, and Knights fellows, are of my acquaintance, I scorn Gentlemen. Thou shalt do much with me, sir, I am content for her sake whom I love, to be acquainted with you, wilt borrow any money? for so do all that begin their acquaintance with me, it's the fashion, he is a coward, is he not? here: nay, and you scorn my money, I scorn your acquaintance. Why, he will borrow no money of me, I had never such a trick put upon me, since I knew what ac quaintance was: Ime sure there have been forty acquain ted with me, since I came to Town, and not one had not so little breeding, to let me ask they the question, we could no sooner shake hands, but the other was in my poc ket: It may be it's his modesty. Sir, this is my Love Him laria, and if you will not borrow money of me, by this hand, there lies my sword, he is a coward. Hilaria is my Mistress, and if any man dare be so venturous, as to blast her reputation with a foul breath, he shall breathe his last. Or if you shall offer in my presence to defile her lip, or touch her hand, or kiss but the neither partly of her vesture, you had better kiss her in another place; nay do but blow on her. Or wink at her, or speak to her, or make signs, or think on her to my face, and you had better keep your thoughts to your self: now to conclude, and if you be aggrieved, my name is Bubulcus, and you lie. O, that I could run thee thorough body and soul, I will challenge thee, a pox on your toes, would I had the paring of your nails, were you dumb so long for this? Who look't for you? when will you be here again? look for a challenge, the time may come, when I will beat thee. This is the Complement-Schoole. Troth, sir, I do not know how to construe what you say, although I know it be Latin, sir: the cause of my coming to you, is to let you understand, that here is a Complement-Schoole, and I have great desire to be taught some of your figaries, and brave words, I do mean to pay for't soundly too, sir: I thank my stars, as they say, I have ready money about me. A Gentleman Usher at least. What says he pray, in English? Why look you, sir, I would have two kinds of compliments: for, sir, I am in love, and I am in hate. Yes, I am in love with a Wench, and would have a delicate speech for her, and I am in hate with a Gentleman, a young Animal, and I would kill him now without danger of the Law: to tell you true, he did abuse me in the pre sense of my sweetheart, and did (saving this good come pany) kiss my backside. But it was with his foot, sir: now in regard I have not the heart to kill him with my sword, I would cut him in pieces, and murder him with mouth-guns: look you, sir, here's money, please your self: but I pray you give me a powdering speech, for I would blow him up: I beseech you, if ever you put gall into your Ink, make it a bitter speech. Pray do, for he has a great spirit in him. Here's gold for your fee, I received it for good fee simple, I am sure. Admirable! Stay, I do not Like that word Cypress, for shee'le think I mean to make Hatbands on her, cannot you call her Taffeta Goddess, or if you go to stuff, cloth a Gold were richer. Very good, pray you go on. Stay, who do I call slut now? the Goddess of Cy prus, Venus, or my Love? I do so. How is she Venus fair, when then I call her slut to her face? Suck? Which side she please. Worm? I would not for forty pounds but I had come to compliment: why, I shall be able in a small time to put down a reasonable Gentlewoman. I have two made to my hands. What's she, Curculio? She is and early riser: at School so soon? It's a pretty smug Wench, is her name Delia? she has a pretty name too. What Gentlewoman is that? Your friend and Master Bubulcus. Would you done, sir? This will powder him. He is a great child, cannot he speak yet? What's he? I hope he does but compliment. 'Twas a devilish good speech. What spruce fellow's this? Oh, heavenly Farmers daughter! Sir, I desire to suck below yor waste. He's one of the head form, I warrant. Who? that's my father in Law. I am a Horse-courser. I had not the grace to mend my pace, I was and ho nest Horse-courser, and suffered every fool to ride me, I knew not what belonged to horseplay, let the world kick at me, I never winched, all that I am damned for, is, that de siring to thrine in the world, and to have good-luck to horseflesh, I ambled to the bed of a Parsons wife that was coltish once, and gave her husband a Horse for't in good fashion, he nener gave me godamercy for't, indeed it proved afterwards to have the Yellows. Antonio is gone, no news of him: I am glad of that, I hope he will come no more. Nay, nothing, nothing, I do but—a— Be not afraid, Gentlewomen, for I do but, you see. Whet my long knife, somebody shall smart for't, but— Nay, no body, I do not mean to fight, if I live. Nay, nothing, sweet Ladies, be not troubled, I do but sharpen my sword. I was eating Oysters tother day, and I had never a knife, and so— Welll, you are my friends, if you chance to hear of any men death shortly, then say Bubulens. No, no, sweetheart, do not tremble, I will but— Loose my honour? I'll be carved first. No, no, it's but in vain to persuade me, I'm re solved, if you love me, do not use any arguments: The Cupidinaean fires burn in my breast, And Like the Oven Etna I am full Of squibs and crackers. I had almost forgotten— The God of War? I think I have reason. Hilla riam, I must, and I will, and all the world shall not hold me. Oh that I were a flay upon his lip, There would I suck for ever, and not skip. I will carbonado him, his face does far Excel all other Like a blazing star We mortals wonder at. Vouchsafe to cast Off the sparkling diamond eyes thou hast: Oh let me go on, me thy vowed creature, That is confounded with thy form and feature. As I was saying, having challenged Antonio for the affront he did me before Hillaria, here by heaven, you must say nothing. He did accept the challenge, and the weapons were soon agreed upon, and we met: but not a word of fighting, if you love me. A long sword. Soon as we came into the place appointed, we looked about, and saw all clear. We drew, but not a word of fighting, by this hand. We threw our doublets off, to show we had no Coat of mail, or privy shirt upon us, against the laws of duelling, in fine, I bid him say his prayers. I let they alone, for I knew I should kill him, and have time enough to say they afterwards at my leisure. When he had said his prayers, he thought upon it, and let fallen words tending to reconcilement: a my con science, he would have asked me forgiveness, but I stood upon my honour, and would fight with him, and so we stood upon our guard: but not a word of fighting, if you love me. I'll tell you, Antonio when he saw no remedy, but that I would needs fight with him, and so consequently kill him, made a desperate blow at my head, which I war dead with my dagger, better then he looked for, and in re turn, I cut off his left hand, whereat amazed and fainting, I nimbly seconded it, as you know I am very nimble, and run my Rapier into his right thigh, two yards. But mine was both a sword and Rapier, there's it, but not a word of fighting, as you love me: well, not to weary you with the narration of the innumerable wounds I gave him, I cut off every joint from his toe upwards, to his middle, by these hilts, now you may believe me, there ended Antonio my rival, judge, judge now, whither But bulcus be valiant or not, but not a word of sighting, as you love me, let it die. What a rogue was I, not to remember that? Have you never and empty chest? Hillaria, if ever you loved me, o, I have made a fair piece of work, would you not tell me it was his si ster? o, here they come. Here's right, confess and be hanged now. By this hand I do not know how to deny it for my credit. Yes Father, Rufaldo, Selina, o, a plague of all coxcombs, what a rogue was I? I am a lying rascal by this hand. I'll be hanged then, Father. Hillaria, will you see me hanged? A curse of all ill fortune, I killed no body. Not guilty, not guilty, and please your Worships, let me not be hanged for a lie of mine own making: it's well known I am a stinking coward: not guilty, I be seech you; I never drew sword in anger in my life: if you hang me, you undo me for ever. My conscience is as clear as Crystal: not guilty, my Lord, I beseech you— Let me be hanged if I did. I confess I told a lie, thinking to have God some credit: but if ever I saw Antonio, since he gave me two or three kicks, which I deserved well enough, broil me ath' coals. Mercy, o mercy: do not cast me away upon the Hangman now, in the pride of my youth: not guilty, my Lord. My eyes? wooed they were out then: do you see murder in my eyes? are my eyes bloodshot? Is Antonio alive again? I hope I shall choose my own Gallows then. Hillaria, you would not believe me: did I look as I had killed any body? now I hope you will hold me for and inno cent hereafter. I am glad I am reprieved: come Hillaria. Sir, my name is Master Bubulcus, and I am as good a Gentleman. I do embrace your familiarities, and remain your truest worm. Father, he says it is impossible Selina should be your wife. No great stomach at this time, sir, I thank you: alas, I have they every day, they are no novelties with me. Fair Lady, at your service. How? Hillaria and you bedfellows? I'de laugh at that. Why then, it seems you were Antonio, that I killed so, and you have, as a man should say, line with Hillaria be forehand. Nay, and you have tickled her before and behind, tickle her all over for Bubulcus. How? So, so, I am gulled, my house taken over my head? Umh, I do remember she was in love with me, and so was twenty more: what's that to me? Alas, would you have me descend so low? I do remember such a thing, but what's that? I'll take't upon me. Very small ones: away you dirty quean. How? nay, she lies falsely, I God but two, so man I will acknowledge, because they shall not doubt my suffi ciency, had I any more then two? speak you lying whore What do you think will content the Whore? You Strumpet, here's twenty pieces for you: do you hear? keep well the boys then: but you shall swear, before these Gentlemen, you will never claim marriage: there, be and honest woman hereafter. I am fooled of all sides, was I born a fool? Stay a little, and I'll along with you. Since I have missed my Wench, I'll ask these Gentlemens good wills to a second match, in stead of and Epilogue.