CELESTINA

Fie, what and air this room has. With some cheap sluffe is it your wisdoms thrift To infect my nostrils thus? Or i'st to favour The Gout in your worships hand? You are afraid To exercise your pen in your account Book? Or do you doubt my credit to discharge Your bills. You can extenuate Your faults with language sir, but I expect To be obeyed; What hangings have we here? Impudence I know't, I will have fresher and more rich, not wrought With faces that may scandalise a Christian With Jewish stories stuffed with Corn and Camels, You had best wrap all my chambers in wild Irish, And make a nursery of Monsters here, To fright the Ladies comes to visit me. I say I will have other, Good Master Steward of a finer loom, Some silk and silver if your worship please, To let me be at so much cost I'll have Stories to fit the seasons of the year, And change as often as I please. I am bound to your consent forsooth, and is My coach brought home? The inside as I gave direction, Of crimson plush. Ten thousand moths consum't, shall I ride through The streets in penance wrapped up round in hair cloth, Sel't to and Alderman, 'twill serve his wife To go a feasting to their country house, Or fetch a Merchant's Nurse child, and come home Laden with fruit and Cheese cakes; I despise it. But single gilded I warrant. Another Solecism, o fie, This fellow will bring me to a Consumption With fretting at his ignorance, some Lady Had rather never pray, than go to Church in't; The nails not double gilded? to market wilt, 'Twill hackney out to Mile-end, or convey Your city tumblers to be drunk with Cream And Prunes at Islington. I'll rather be beholding to my Aunt The Countess for her mourning coach, then be Disparaged so, shall any juggling tradesman Be at charge to shoe his running horse with gold, And shall my coach nails be but single gilded? How dare these knaves abuse me so? Is my Sedan yet finished? And liveries for my men-Mules according As I gave charge. What mischief were it to your conscience Were my coach lined with tissue, and my harness Covered with needlework? if my Sedan Had all the story of the Prodigal, Embroidered with pearl. How sir, my honour? I were best Make you my governor; audacious Varlet, How dare you interpose your doting counsel? Mind your affairs with more obedience, Or I shall ease you of and office sir, Must I be limited to please your honour? Or for the vulgar breath confine my pleasures, I will pursue'em in what shapes I fancy, Here, and abroad, my entertainments shall Be oftener, and more rich, who shall control me? I live i'th strand, whither few Ladies come To live, and purchase, more than fame, I will Be hospitable then, and spare no cost That may engage all generous report To trumpet forth my bounty and my bravery, Till the Court envy, and remove, I'll have My house the Academy of wits, who shall Exalt with rich Sack, and Sturgeon, Write Panegyrics of my feasts, and praise The method of my witty superfluities, The horses shall be taught with frequent waiting Upon my gates, to stop in their career Towards Charingcross, spite of the Coachmans fury. And not a tilter, but shall strike his plume, When he fails by my window, my Balcony Shall be the Courtiers Idol, and more gazed at, Than all the Pageantry at Temple bar, By country Clients. Take that for your ill manners. There's more than simple honesty in a servant Requi worser to his full duty, none should dare, But with a look, much less a saucy language Check at their Mistress pleasure, I'm resolved To pay for some delight, my estate will bear it, I'll reine it shorter when I please. His name? Admit him. Sir with me. No doubt sir. That all your business? Speak it freely sir. So. You come a wooing sir, and would perhaps Show me a way to reconcile these two. I Like you sir the better, that you do not Wander about, but shoot home to the meaning, 'Tis a confidence will make a man Know sooner what to trust to, but I never Saw you before, and I believe you come not With hope to find me desperate upon marriage, If maids out of their ignorance of what Men, are refuse these offers, widows may Out of their knowledge be allowed some coyness, And yet I know not how much happiness A peremptory answer may deprive me of, You may be some young Lord, and though I see not Your footmen and your groom, they may not be Far off in conference with your horse, please you To instruct me with your title, against which I would not willingly offend. Sweet Mr. Hairecut, are you a Courtier? J did think so by your confidence, Not to detain you sir with circumstance, J was not so unhappy in my husband But that 'tis possible J may be a wife Again, but J must tell you, he that wins My affection shall deserve me. You say well. How long do you imagine you can love sir? Is it a Quotidian, or will it hold But every other day? Dost take you with a burning at the first, Or with a cold fit, for you gentlemen Have both your Summer, and your Winter service. And 'twill be somewhat long ere J be warm in't. But now J know Your mind, you shall not need to tell it, when You come again, J shall remember it. I did expect e'm, They partly are my pupils, i'e attend e'm. Sir you may present, Exit. Would. But not give fire I hope, now to the Ladies This recreation's passed, the next must be To read to them some Court Philosophy. Exeunt. Let them answer That dare mistake us, shall we be so much Cowards to be frighted from our pleasure, Because men have malicious tongues, and show What miserable souls they have, no cozen, We hold our life and Fortune's, upon no Men charity, if they dare show so little Discretion to traduce our fame's, we will Be guilty of so much wit to laugh at em. My stars Are yet kind to me, for in a happy minute Be't spoke, I'm not in love, and men shall never. Make my heart lean with sighing, nor with tears Draw on my eyes the infamy of spectacles, 'Tis the chief principle to keep your heart Under your own obedience, jest, but love not, I say my prayers yet, can wear good clothes, And only satisfy my tailor for em. I wonot loose my privilege. As if a Lady of my years, some beauty Left by her husband rich, that had mourned for him A twelve month too, could live so obscure i'th town That gallants would not know her, and invite Themselves without her chargeable proclamations, Then we are worse than Citizens, no widow Left wealthy can be thoroughly warm in mourning, But some one noble blood or lusty kindred Claps in, with his gilded coach, and Flandrian trotters, And hurries away to be a Countess. Courtiers have ies, and great ones with lharge titles, Cold in their ne estates, would warm themselves At a rich city nefire. No matter for corruption of the blood, Some undone Courtier made her husband rich, And this new Lord receives it back again. Admit it were my policy, and that My entertainments pointed to acquaint me With many suitors, that I might be safe, And make the best election, could you blame me? But I should be In my thoughts miserable to be found Of leaving the sweet freedom I possess, And court my self into new marriage fetters, I now observe men's several wits, and windings, And can laugh at their follies. One thing isle tell you more, and this I give you Worthy your imitation from my practice, You see me merry, full of song and dancing, Pleasant in language, apt to all delights That crown a public meeting, but you cannot Accuse me of being prodigal of my favours To any of my guests, I do not summon By any wink, a gentleman to follow me, To my withdrawing chamber, I hear all Their pleas in Court, nor can they boast abroad And do me justice, after a salute They have much conversation with my lip, I hold the kissing of my hand a courtesy, And he that loves me, must upon the strength Of that, expect till I renew his favour. Some Ladies are so expensive in their graces, To those that honour they, and so prodigal That in a little time, they have nothing but The naked sin left to reward their servants, Whereas a thrift in our rewards, will keep Men long in their devotion, and preserve Our selves in stock, to encourage those that honour us. It takes not from the freedom of our mirth, But seems to advance it, when we can possess Our pleasures with security of our honour, And that preserved, I welcome all the joys My fancy can let in. In this I have given The copy of my mind, nor do I blush, You understand it. Enter Celestina's gentlewoman. There's one would be a client, make excuse For a few minutes. Such a thing he would seem, but in his guiltiness Of little land, his expectation is not So valiant as it might be, he wears clothes, And feeds with noblemen, to some I hear No better than a wanton emissary, Or scout for Venus wild foul, which made tame, He thinks no shame to stand court centinel, In hope of the reversion. Let them agree, there's no account shall lie For me among their traffic. Let him discourse a little with sir William. Exit. I know not More than a trim gay man, he has some great office Sure by his confident behaviour, He would be entertained under the title Of servant to me, and I must confess, He is the sweetest of all men that visit me. He is full of powder, He will save much in perfume for my chamber, Were he but constant here; give e'm access. You practice Courtship gentlemen. A kinswoman Of mine sir William. You came from Court, now I presume. But by What name shall I be known, in what degree Shall J be of kindred to you. Perhaps you'll call me sister, I shall take it A special preferment, or it may be J may pass under title of your Mistress, If I seem rich, and fair enough, to engage Your confidence to own me. But 'tis not come to that yet, you will sir Excuse my mirth. Shall J take Boldness to ask what place you hold in Court? 'Tis and uncivil curiosity, But you'll have mercy to a woman's question. I am charmed sir, And if you escape ambassador, you cannot Reach a preferment, wherein I'm against you, But where's sir William Sentlove ? You know him. Whats that? Nay sir William Has the art of compliment. Will you please To enrich me with your knowledge of that gentleman. What is he? One thing gentlemen I observe in your behaviour, which is rare In two that court one mistress, you preserve A noble friendship, theres no gum within Your hearts, you cannot fret, or show and envy Of one another's hope, some would not govern Their passion with that temper. This is right playing at Court Shuttlecock. Bornewell? They have both much fame 'Ith town for several merits, pray admit him. Sir, Your worth was here before you, and your person Cannot be here ingrateful. I am sorry Coze To accuse you, we in nothing more betray Our selves to censure of ridiculous pride, Then answering a fair salute too rudely, O it shows ill upon a gentlewoman Not to return the modest lip, if she Would have the world believe, her breath is not Offensive. With me sir? The first is but report, And do not trust your eyesight for the last, Cause I presume you're mortal and may err. Ravish mankind? It were the stranger rape, But there's the less indictment lies against it, And there is hope; your little honesties Cannot be much the worse, for men do rather Believe they had a maiden head, then put Themselves to'th rack of memory, how long 'Tis since they left the burden of their innocence. So is physic, I do not know your constitution. You're too hasty, I must examine what certificate You have, first to prefer you. Under your Ladies hand, and seal. But take heed, how You trust too't. Your person and your language are both strangers. D'ee mean your Surgeon? You dare not sir. I will in stifi't. You dare not marry me, and I imagine Some here should I consent, would fetch a priest Out of the fire. And there's a statute not repealed I take it. You think I took you on the advantage, use your best Skill at defence, I'll come up to your valour And show another work you dare not do, You dare not sir be virtuous. You did? I'll try his humour out of breath Although boast no cunning sir in revels, If you desire to show your art that way, I can wait on you. Sir, although I use not This freedom with a stranger, you shall have No cause to hold me obstinate. By any means. Pardonnez moi Madame; vous me faictez trop a honneur. Cest de sa bonté qu'il nous a tant favorisé. J voy bien que la victoire feram toutsjours à Madame, & de language, & de la courtesy. Laissons en j vous supplis, des compliments & permiettoz à vostre servant de vous baiser less mains. Is this your nephew Madam? J ne vous intend pass monsieur, I understand you not sir. Not I sir, I never found my self more clear at heart. Not I sir? But if I did show mirth upon your question, I hope you wood not beat me little gentleman. So sir. I did sir. What was that You told me sir? You amaze rather My cheek to paleness, what you mean by this? I am not troubled with the hickup gentlemen, You should bestow this fright upon me. How sir? You may be master of the College sir For ought I know. Have you a plot upon me? Dee possess Your wits, or know me gentlemen. Enter Bornewell. But do not bark so Like a mastive, pray, Sure they are mad, let your brains stand awhile And settle gentlemen, you know not me, What am I? I herd you visited those canvas tragedies, One of their constant audience, and so taken With Susan, that you wished your self a rival With the two wicked elders. What I beseech you? Your character will be full of salt and satire, No doubt, what am I? And that's at least a bow wide of you knowledge. It must be miserably out of fashion then, Have I no sin but pride? You praised it yesterday. More pride? When you wore spectacles of sack, mistook The painted cloth, and kissed it for your mistress. Why? I think as much As you have paid a way in honest debts This seven year, 'tis a pretty impudence, But cannot make me angry. As what sir? Let me know all my faults. All this shall not Move me to more than laughter, and some pity, Because you have the shapes of gentlemen, And though you have been insolent upon me, I will engage no friend to kick or cudgel you To spoil your living, and your limbs together, I leave that to diseases that offend you, And spare my curse, poor silken Vermin, and Hereafter shall distinguish Men from Monkeys. They are things not worth my character, nor mention Of any clean breath, so lost in honesty They cannot satisfy for wrongs enough, Though they should steal out of the world at Tiburne. Yet I will talk a little to the pilchards, You two that have not betwixt you both the hundred Partly of a soul, course woollen witted fellows, Without a nap, with bodies made for burdens, You that are only stuffings for apparel As you were made but engines for your Tailors To frame their clothes upon, and get them custom; Until men see you move, yet, then you dare not Out of your gilded of being the ignobler beast But give a horse the wall, whom you excel Only in dancing of the brawls, because The horse was not taught the French way, your two faces, One fat Like Christmas, tother lean Like Candlemas, And Prologue to a Lent, both bound together Would figure Janus, and do many cures On Agues and the green disease by frighting, But neither can with all the characters And conjuring circles charm a woman, though Sha'd fourscore years upon her, and but one Tooth in her head, to love or think well of you; And I were miserable, to be at cost To court such a complexion, as your malice Did impudently insinuate, but I waste time And stain my breath in talking to such tadpoles. Go home and wash your tongues in Barley water Drink clean Tobacco, be not hight i'th mouth, And you may escape the Beadle; so I leave you To shame and your own garters, Sir I must Entreat you for my honour do not penance em They are not worth your anger, how I shall Acquit your Ladies silence. No cause mine. You are noble — — farewell Mushrooms. I have told you all my knowledge since he is pleased To invite himself he shall be entertained, And you shall be my witnesses. Sir William Sentlove, that prepared me for The honourable encounter, I expect His Lordship every minute. Enter Sentlove. He has honoured me. Though I am poor in language to express How much your Lordship honours me, my heart Is rich and proud in such a guest, I shall Be out of love with every air abroad, And for his grace done my unworthy house, Be a found prisoner, become anchorite, And spend my hours in prayer, to reward The blessing, and the bounty of this presence. I shall love My lips the better, if their silent language Persuade your Lordship but to think so truly. I hope you came not With fear that any sadness here should shake One blossom from your eye, I should be miserable To present any object should displease you. As I should account It no less sorrow, if your Lordship should Lay too severe a censure on my freedom. I wonot court a Prince against his justice, Nor bribe him with a smile to think me honest, Pardon my Lord this boldness, and the mirth That may flow from me, I believe my father Thought of no winding sheet when he begotten me. Not my Lord so much stranger to my knowledge, Though I have but seen your person a far oft, I am acquainted with your character, Which I have herd so often, I can speak it. If your Lordship will Be patient. That as your conscience can agree upon em, How ever if your Lordship give me privilege, I'll tell you whats the opinion of the world. You're a Lord Born with as much nobility as would Divided serve to make ten noble men Without a Herald, but with so much spirit, And height of soul, as well might furnish twenty. You are learned, a thing not compatible now With native honour, and are master of A language that does chain all years, and charm All hearts, where you persuade, a wit so flowing And prudence to correct it, that all men Believe they only meet in you, which with A spacious memory make up the full wonders; To these you have known valour, and upon A noble cause, know how to use a sword To honours best advantage, though you were none; You are as bountiful, as the showers that fallen Into the Springs green besom; as you were Created Lord of fortune, not her steward; So constant to the cause, in which you make Your self and advocate, you dare all dangers, And men had rather you should be their friend, Than justice or the bench, bound up together. And more my Lord. To all these virtues, there is added one, (Your Lordship will remember when I name it, I speak but what I gather from the voice Of others) it is grown to a full fame That you have loved a woman. Yes many, give me leave to smile my Lord, I shall not need to interpret in what sense, But you have showed your self right honourable, And for your love to Ladies have deserved, If their vote might prevail a marble statue, I make no comment on the peoples text. My Lord I should be sorry to offend. And honest men will pay Their debts. She had a hard heart, would be unmerciful, And not give day to men so promising, But you owed women nothing, With your Lordship's Pardon I only said, you had a fame For loving women, but of late men say You have against the imperial laws of love, Restrained the active flowings of your blood, And with a Mistress buried all that is Hoped for in loves succession, as all beauty Had died with her, and left the world benighted! In this you more dishonour all our sex Than you did grace a partly, when every where Love tempts your eye to admire a glorious harvest, And every where as full blown ears submit Their golden heads, the laden trees bow down Their willing fruit, and court your amorous tasting. It is my wonder! I must confess a man of nobler earth Then goes to vulgar composition, Born and bred high, so unconfined, so rich In Fortune's, and so read in all that sum Up humane knowledge, to feed gloriously, And live at court, the only sphere wherein True beauty moves, nature's most wealthy garden, Where every blossom is more worth, than all The Hesperian fruit, by jealous Dragon watched Where all delights do circle appetite, And pleasures multiply by being tasted,) Should be so lost with thought of one, turn ashes. There's nothing left my Lord that can excuse you, Unless you plead, what I am ashamed to prompt Your wisdom too? That you have played The Surgeon with your self It were much pity. Nay now you compliment, I would it did My Lord for your own sake. My Lord I should be loving Where I found worth to invite it, and should cherish A constant man. But is the ice about your heart fallen off, Can you return to do what love commands? Cupid thou shall have instand sacrifice. And I dare be the Priest. I hope your Lordship means not this for earnest, Be pleased to grace a banquer. My Lord I must beseech you stay, for honour For her whose memory you love best. And by that virtue you have now professed, I charge you to believe me too, I can Now glory, that you have been worth my trial, Which I beseech you pardon, had not you So valiantly recovered in this conflict, You had been my triumph, without hope of more Than my just scorn upon your wanton flame; Nor will I think these noble thoughts grew first From melancholy, for some female lose, As the fantastic world believes, but from Truth, and your love of Innocence, which shine So bright in the two royal luminaries At Court, you cannot loose your way to chastity, Proceed, and speak of me as honour guides you. Exit Lord. I am almost tired, come Ladies weel beguile Dull time, and take the air another while. Exeunt. Sir Thomas has Prevailed to bring me to his trouble hither. I obey you sir. I have cause My Lord, the rather for your presence, which Hath power to charm all trouble in my thoughts. Me my Lord? For what my Lord? I observed No such defect in your Lordship, but a brave And noble fortitude. Whats that? I have a stubborn soul else. What love de'e mean Your Mistress, my good Lord? Whats all this? When we are Weary of these, what if we shift our Paradise? And through a grove of tall and even pine, Descend into a Valley, that shall shame All the delights of Tempe, upon whose Green plush the graces shall be called to dance To please us, and maintain their Fairy revels, To the harmonious murmurs of a stream That gently falls upon a rock of pearl, Here does the Nymph forsaken Echo dwell, To whom we'll tell the story of our love, Till at our surfeit and her want of joy, We break her heart with envy, not far off A grove shall call us to a wanton river, To see a dying Swan give up the ghost, The fish shooting up their tears in bubbles That they must loose the Genius of their waves, And such love linsey woolsey, to no purpose. Good my Lord forbear. You're not my Lord again, the Lord I thought you. And I must tell you now, you do forget Your self and me. But these will want antiquity: my Lord The seal of honour, whats a coat cut out But yesterday to ma e a man a gentleman? Your family as old, as the first virtue That merited and Escutcheon, does owe A glorious coat of arms, if you will fell now All that your name does challenge in that ensign, Ill help you to a chapman, that shall pay And pour down wealth enough fort. Give but your consent, You know not how the state may be inclined To dispensation, we may prevail Upon the Heralds office afterwards. Change that, And answer him would buy my honour from me. Honour that is not worn upon a flag Or pennon, that without the owners dangers, And enemy may ravish, and bear from me, But that which grows and withers with my soul, Beside the bodies stain, think, think my Lord To what you would unworthily betray me, If you would not for price of gold, or pleasure, (If that be more your idol) loose the glory And painted honour of your house — I would done. I dare not think so. Do you sweat sir william. En verity Monsieur nous a fort obligè Excusez moi Madam, ill est bien accomply. Your meaning my good Lord. Nor rude, though gay men have a privilege, It shall appear, there is a man my Lord Within my acquaintance, rich in worldly Fortune's, But cannot boast any descent of blood, Would buy a coat of arms. I'll study to be worth your fair opinion. You must not go, before you both have done Me honour to accept and entertainment, Where I have power, on those terms I'm your guest.