WILDING

What need you be so coy now? Think of a Fiddlestick. While you put me in mind of what I am, You quite forget your self: my wife I allow Your kinswoman far off, to whom a widow Your father left you, with a handsome fortune, Which by her marriage, I have in possession, And you too; therefore as you hope to be In endue time worth a husband, think upon't: I can deserve respect, then wisely use me, As you would keep me. I jest? you'd have me swear, and yet you should not think it such a wonder: to love come, shake off this frost, it spoils thee; your nature should be soft, and flexible; perhaps thou thinkest, I do not love thee heartily, I know not how to give thee better testimony, then by offering my self to thee if my wife-die, as ten to one she's not immortal, we may couple tother way. O! great argument, and you observe: she was a wid dow when I married her, thou art a young maid, and handsome. Ther's reason then for nothing I should love her: hang her estate, I was held a proper man, and in that point, de served her, and she had millions: and I were free again. I would not draw i'th term of marriage for ten not to command a Province. Only thee, and no body else. To have one, is little less then madness; come, wilt promise? Enter Mistress Wilding. A course, you know my meaning. Wilt thou do this feat for me? It's finished in a pair of minutes. What condition? I'll undertake to go a pilgrimage To Jerusalem, and return sooner: wood I did not love thee, love thee infinitely, That's all, two not do—My wife, I hope. Exit Pene. She has not cav's-dropd, us; what pity 'tis She cannot find the way to Heaven; I should not Trouble her in hast, these wives will have no conscience, But stick to us everlastingly. Now Lady, How did your monkey rest last night, you look As you had not done your prayers yet, I wonot disturb you. I do not Like you. You are given to be jealous, I cannot Ramble abroad in gentlemens company Whole days, lie out a nights, but you suspect I am wanton, it's ill done, it becomes no modest Woman: that loves her husband, to be jealous, What ever she see, or hears, mend, mend this fault, You do not know, how it may work upon me. Some wife will bid her husbands leverets welcome, Keep house together, and provide clean sheets, And cullices to fortify; you near did it: Know her own Chamber and not come forth Till she be sent for; if her husband kiss her, Sometime, allow her clothes and other trinkets, Suffer her carve at Table, she is satisfied, And none o'th parish talk, she carries it So handsomely: these morals I have read Before now, but you put them not in practice, Nor for ought I perceive, have disposition too't, Therefore i'll take my course. I Like this, if it be no disguise. And obedient to my will? But if I bring home a mistress? What if there be one Already, that does please me, will you not Repine, and look awry upon's, when we Make much of one another? Well said, this may do good upon me as I find you prompt in this, I may consider Other matters: to tell you true, I love Your kinswoman. I'th way you wot on, but I find her cold and peevish, how she may Be brought about I know not, 'twould show well, And be a president for other wives, If you would put your help too't. One woman with another can do more In such a cause, then twenty men. I do not Wander, you see, out of the blood, this will Be a way to justify your obedience. I have gone too far a conscience; this may Spoil all, and now I think upon't, I was A coxcomb to discover any party, I must deny't again, and carry things More closely. How now Will ? Enter Hazard. No, no; a toy, a trifle. I was thinking, of my Wife— I cannot blame her; We have had a dialogue; come, thou knowest my bosom, I know not, but I have offered fair conditions: She is very confident, I do not dote Upon her beauty, I have told her, sirrah, I love her kinswoman. The world's deceived in her, sheele give me leave, To ramble where I list, and feed upon What best delights my appetite. But I was not content with this, because The other wench was somewhat obstinate, I must needs urge my wife, to mollify And mould her, for my purpose. No 'twould not do. This went against her stomach and we parted. I am confident She dare not: but for all that, would I had Been less particular. 'Tis Jack Delamore, he is not dead. Why they were friends. I did expect a woman at one end on't. What miserable fools are men, to kill One another for these Cockatrices! It would be long ere any mistress would Be so desperate for her servant, this is valur, High and mighty valour. Thou art held a piece of a kill-Cow too, look too't before the sessions take and order with-thee: is't not a great deal sa fer, now to skirmish with a Petticoat, and touze a handsome wench in private; then be valiant in the streets, and kiss the Gallows for't? hang, hang this foolery, let gentlemen rather live, and pay their Tailors, then let their clothes en rich the hangmans wardrobe. Let them be such coxcombs They cannot die too soon; cannot I have A Lady of pleasure, but to please her humour, I must be engaged to fight and kill men for her? Because her healths refused, another's nose Or teeth preferred, substantial grounds for murder, We spend our blood too much another way; Consumption take me, if I fight for one on'em, I will drink single beer first, and live honest, Gentlemen are come to a fine pass, do not you Think but 'tis possible, I may fight for all this? And I have a wife, would thou hadst her. Sometime. The lie grew a dull provocation, this has quickened us, but leave this common place, thou canst not help it, lets talk of something else. Stay is not this Beaumont ? We herd a piece of the misfortune, but Be not dejected, he may live. I'll with him, and know the story. How now cooze? was that My wife went off? Let her go, what said she to thee? Thou art troubled. Has she abused thee? I'll go kick her. Does she twit thee? i'll kick her Like a football, Say but the word. How's this? I prithee if she have been peremptory, Which was none of our articles, let me instruct thee, How we shall be revenged. No, no, i'll love thee, indeed, indeed I will, Is she jealous? Let us be wise; and give her cause, shall's coose, Discharge thee the house? i'll discharge her, And all her generation, thee excepted, And thou shallt do't thy self, by this, thou shat; Would, she kisses with more freedom, this is better, Then if my wife had pleaded for me, Pen, Thou shalt be mistress, woot? come thou shalt, She's fit for drudgery. Then I wonot, but I love thee for thy spirit, Cause thou woot be revenged, punish her jealousy The right way, when it's done, I do not care To tell her, it may kick up her heals too, another way. No, no, i'll tell no body, by this hand. Stay I have a Diamond will become this finger, Wear it, and let my wife stare out her eyes upon't. Take it on any; she is come about. He must excuse me. Well, ther's no great hurt in all this yet; The Tides not strong against me, no talk now, Of wives consent, i'll not remove my siege, Shee'le study to be thankful, she's mine own, As sure as I were in her maidenhead, Now to the Tavern boy, and drink to the purpose. Exeunt. Save, save you gallants, may a man come i'th rear? You're not Prisoners for the reckoning, I hope. Nay let's see't again. Let me but touch it. Tha'dst little or none this morning. But hark thee, hark thee Will, didst win it? No matter, how it came Will, I congratulate Thy fortune, and will quit thee now With good news of my self, my coose I told thee on, Is wheeled about, she has took a Ring o'me, We kissed, and talked, time out a mind. Bring him not hither. This is old Barnacle. His kinsman? you are welcome. This is a precious humour, is he used to these mistakes? Nay, nay, Will, we bear with him for your sake, He is your kinsman. Be knocked, a pox upon him, I know not what to make on him. Nay, nay, gentlemen. This humour does become thee, I knew when Thou didst consider, what was offered thee; Thy sullenness wood shake off, now thou lookest Fresher then morning, in thy melancholy Thy clothes became thee not. Excellent! and she be a bed but half so nimble, I shall have a fine time on't; how she glides? Thou wot not fail? At the hour of twelve. I'll rather cut my tongue out then offend thee, Kissing is no language. She shall die in ignorance. The Devil shall not see us With his sauncer eyes; and if he stumble in The dark, there shanot be a stone ith Chamber, To strike out fire with's horns; all things shall be So close; no lightning shall peep in upon us, O, how I long for midnight! O, by no means, no scruples now. Why hang me if I do, i'll love thee ever: I have cast already, to preserve thy honour, Thou shalt be married in a fortnight, cooze, Let me alone to find thee out a husband, Handsome and fit enough, we will love then too. Without fear or wit Cum privilegio, when thou hast a husband, Dost think I will forsake thee Pen? 'twere pity A my life, sweet, o there is no pleasure To those embraces; I shall love thee better, And the assurance that thou hast two father's Before thou hast a child, will make thee spring More active in my arms, and I tell thee, 'Tis my ambition to make a Cuckold, The only pleasure o'th World: I wood not Wish to enjoy thee now, but in the hope Of tother harvest, and to make thy husband Hereafter cuckold, that imagination Sweetness the rest, and I do love it mainly, mainly. 'Tis Triple pleasure wench; But we lose time, and may endanger thus My wife into a jealousy, if she see us, Farewell, farewell deer Pen. at night remember, I wonot lose my sport for half the country. Exit. Will Hazard, I have been seeking thee this Two hours, and now I have found thee, avoid me. No, but I swell with my imaginations Like a tall Ship, bound for the fortunate Lands; Top, and Topgallant, my flags, and my figaries Upon me with a lusty gale of wind Able to rend my sails, I shall o'rerunne, And sink thy little Bark of understanding In my career boy. The wench, the wench boy. Has struck Sail, Is come in, and cries aboard my new Lord of The Mediterranean, we are agreed, This is the precious night Will ; twelve the hour; That I must take possession of all, Of all; there are some Articles agreed on. Who's this? They are well coupled, a Lord and Sell-away. To purpose. A man much bound to his Tailor. Of hair thou meanest. Is he a Scholar? Will. He plays money freely. Dost call him country gentleman? For what I prithee? His head, Will he go upon his head, or will he pawn it? His Bulls you mean, Let's not be troubled with him, who are these? Young Barnacle ? Will you endure him. I'll follow, how now Frank ? what in the name of folly is he reading? What news I pray? Terra incognita? Pray, Sir, what news from this quintessence, it must Needs be refined novelties. That's no partly of Terra incognita, we know that. What do those that dwell ashore? I am sorry it will be inconvenient to hear out your Cur ranto, I am weary of a little money when that's lost I may be a suitor for the rest of your news, and so I commend me to all your friends in Lubberland. Exit. Chewing thy cud a little, I have lost all my money Will Thou hast made a fortunate night on't wot Play no more. What hast won? 'Tis frost in my breeches. What is he? Temptation! now have I and infinite itch to this Merchant's pieces. A hundred pieces. They may prove as lucky as thine—but what do I for get? the wench, the fairy at home, that expects me. 'Tis now upon the time. Hum, I would lost my money, and may recover a pretty wench. which hand? here covetousness, this lechery; money is the hea vier. Will, dost hear? i'll requite thy courtesy. Thou hast lent me a hundred pound, i'll pay thee again, and thou shat have for the use, the flesh device at home that expects, thou shat sup ply my place Will. I am resolved; five hundred pieces say i'll come to him, you love the sport as well as I: to morrow you shall thank me for't; be secret, shee'le never know thee, for our conditions are to—Neither light nor—and she must needs conceive 'tis I. Have you wit to apprehend the courtesy? Let me alone: the wench, and I shall meet Hereafter and be merry, here's my Key The Merchant's money cools away: be wise And keep conditions to use her at thy pleasure, There will be enough for me: nay no demurs, You have not lost your stomach to this game How ere I speed tonight, we'll laugh to morrow How the poor wench was cozened. I wood would thee ride boy, I must to the Gamester Farewell, remember not to speak a word, but Kiss and embrace thy belly full. How now Will, thou lookest desperately this morning. Didst sleep well to night? What ails she; was she dull? I think so. Thou didst not see her? Now do I Grow melancholy. I was a rascal. Was not I cursed To lose my money, and such delicate sport? Why? You wood not. If she be such aprecious armefull Will I think you may be satisfied. You do not purpose. Purpose a new encounter. When I am at leisure. Is Penelope With her? Let her expect: wait you on me. The younger ferret. Do as I bid you, sirrah. The admiration of the Town. For valour. Ther's the wonder, o the spirit, the tall spirit Within him he has the soul of a Giant. He does but think. Come pray, sir, be reconciled; he submits. Was ever such and off? Exit. Keep you at distance, Penelope, and Leonora, She's as the boy reported something more Pleasant then ordinary. She comes towards me. Well, but a little melancholy. You look more sprightfully wife, something has pleased you. I lost my money. I am not betrayed I hope; do not mean that game? 'Tis so, could she not keep her own counsel? What will be known? What riddle Have you God now? I wonot yet seem conscious. Refuse me if I did. That, that again sweet wife, and be a little Serious; was it your plot to excuse your cozen, And be the bedfellow? I am fitted, fitted with a pair of horns Of my own making. It buds, It buds already. I shall turn stark mad, Horn mad. Well with a vengeance. Yes, I do thank you, thank you heartily, Most infinitely thank you. I am justly punished now for all my tricks, And pride o'th flesh, I had ambition To make men cuckolds, now the devil has paid me, Paid me i'th same coin, and i'll compare My forehead with the broadest of my neighbours: But ere it spreads too monstrous, I must have Some plot upon this Hazard, he supposes He has enjoyed Penelope, and my trick To drive the opinion home, to get him marry her And make her satisfaction: the wench Has oft commended him, he may be won too't, I never meant to partly with all her portion, Perhaps heel thank me for the moiety. And this disposed on she's conjured to silence. It must be so. Nothing less, I know not What tha'st done to her, but she's very sad. Thou must imagine I did the best to comfort her She thinks 'twas I enjoyed her. And nothing now but sighs, and cries I have Undone her. To be plain, Although she has no thought but I was her bedfellow, You are the only argument of her sadness. When I had merrily Excused what had been done, she fetched a sighed, And with some tears revealed her love to you, That she had loved you long, but by this act Of mine, d'ee mark, she was become unworthy To hope for so good fortune, I cannot tell, But she is strangely passionate. For you, but though art soft and tender-hearted, And in that confidence I did forbear To tell her who had done the deed. Nay believe it She is taken with thee above all the World. But 'twas your better fate To be the man, it was her destiny To have the right performance, thou art a gentleman And canst not but consider the poor gentlewoman. Make her amends, and marry her. You had first possession, And thao'st been married earlier couldst but had Her maidenhead, beside no body knows but we our selves. My greater torment: come, come thou art modest; Heaven knows she may be desperate. I— of Athens grown, I know thou art more charitable, she may prove A happy wife, what woman but has frailty? She has a portion will maintain her Like A gentlewoman and your wife. In my possession, and I had rather thou Shouldst have it then another. Come thou shalt know I love thee, thou shalt have More by a thousand pound, then I resolved To partly with cause I wood call thee cozen too; A brace of thousands Will, she has to her Portion, I hoped to put her off with half the sum; That's truth some younger brother wood would thanked me, And given my quietus tush, it's frequent With men that are so trusted, i'st a match, Th'art in the right, Or for the better found, as the Grammarians Say, I will call it twenty hundred pound Belady a pretty stock, enough and need be, To buy up half the maidenheads in a County. Leave that to me. I'll instantly about it. Exit. You're both too sad, come, come, we must divert This melancholy. So close! I am glad on't, this prepares, Will Hazard, And my young Cozen; a word Penelope. You used me coursely, But I have forgotten it, what discourse have you With this gentleman? Entertain him; d'ee hear, you may do worse, be ruled. 'Twas in my thought to move it, does he not Talk strangely? Of nothing, let me counsel you To love him, call him husband. No more: then lose no time, kind gentlemen, You're come most seasonably to be the witnesses Of my consent, I have examined both Your hearts, and freely give thee here my kinswoman: No sooner shall the Church pronounce your married But challenge what is hers. I do confess it is her portion You shanot stay to talk, nay gentlemen, Pray see the business finished. So, so, this will confirm him in the opinion, Penelope was the creature he enjoyed, And keep off all suspicion of my wife, Who is still honest in the imagination That only I embraced her, all secure, And my brows smooth again, who can deride me? But I my self, would, that's too much I know it, And spite of these tricks am a Cornelius. Cannot I bribe my conscience to be ignorant? Why then I would done nothing, yes advanced The man, that grafted shame upon my forehead: Vexation, parted with two thousand pound, And am no less a cuckold then before Was I predestined to this shame and mockery? Where were my brains? yet why am I impatient? Unless betrayed he cannot reach the knowledge, And then no matter—yes I am cursed again, My torment multiplies, how can he think He played the wanton with Penelope When he finds her a maid? that ruins all: I wood she had been strumpeted, he knows My wives Virginity to well, I am lost, And must be desperate, kill him; no, my wife. Not so good, death is over black and horrid, And I am grown ridiculous to my self. I must do some thing. Do you know me? They say I am much altered alate. My forehead? She loves your daughter, sir. Not to day. He is not troubled now with being a cuckold, You shall command. Wife you are a whore You shall know more hereafter, I must go live i'th Forest. Sheele turn prostitute. How can you discharge him, sir? Beaumont think on't A little better, be not mad; if this be possible Embrace her instantly. Sheele love thee afterwards. And she do not, she can but cuckold thee There be more i'th Parish man. To what purpose is this? he must be hanged for Delamore. The Surgeon ? did not you say he was dead? I'll be divorced now Wife you're a Whore. Would! Can this be real I am ashamed, pray give me all forgiveness I see my follies, heaven invites me gently To thy chased bed, be thou again my dearest, Thy virtue shall instruct me: joy to all: Here be more.— Delamore is living, And Leonora marked to enjoy him, Violent is possessed of Beaumont too. Yes, I did marry you; hers too much record for't, I would there were a Parson to unmarry us, If any of our Clergy had that faculty, He might repair the old; and built as many New Abbeys through the Kingdom in a twelvemonth. Shall I speak truth? I never much affected thee, I married thee for thy souls sake, not thy body, And shall as soon get children on't: and yet I do not hate thee, witness, I dare kiss, Hold thee by the hand, and sleep in the same house, And in thy bed sometime, something ha been done. You have a scurvy quality wife, I told you on't. How's this? Very, very well; I went not to bed all night. What's next. Good again, a Knight and Acre-less, what's his condi cion. A Gamester both ways. Where be his Spurs? The house fills a pace What are these would? A Country gentleman? I have seen him sure Appear in other shape, is he a Christian? Cause I have met him with a Turbant once, If I mistake not, but his linen was not So handsome altogether as the Turks In quirpo with a Crabtree cudgel too, Walking and canting broken Dutch for farthings. How does the Court remove there? I have herd of Elephants, that have carried Castles. I would be loath to keep him company. Thou hast fired my blood, that I could call back time, And be possessed of what my indiscretion Gave up to thy enjoying, but I am comforted, She thinks 'twas I, and we hereafter may Be free in our delights: now, sir, the news With you? Enter Page. How officious you are for your mistress, sirrah? What said she I came not home all night? To say the truth I have showed my self a coxcomb. A pox a play that made me double looser. For ought I know, she may admit me never To such a turn again, and then I would punished My self ingeniously. My wife. No, no; hark you, I do not mock you, I am taken with The conceit, what a fine thing I have made my self. Near speak on't, thy device shall take; i'll love thee. And kiss thee for't, tha'st paid me handsomely: And admirable plot, and followed cunningly, I'll see thee anon again, and lie with thee To night, without a stratagem. The gentlewomen Expect thee; keep all close, deer wife, no sentences. I am tricked and trimmed at my own charges rarely, I'll seek out some body again. Exit.