YOUNG NONSUCH

My love deer Father (to your fair wife) hath made my hours of absence from this place, seem tedious years, I could not but return from whence I came, as Like to man, the which of clay was framed, at first did walk a while upon the earth, but in the end returned to dust; or Like a River, which through the earth does draw his life and spring from out the sea. Thus I that from you sprung, have run my course awhile, but now as to my sea, return to you again. Venus lay where Mars had found her, And in warlike arms he bound her, Cupid cried, and Vulcan spied: And thereon threw the Sciclops, But his horn, begat his scorn, With all the little Gods mocks. Now some honest Gentleman pass by that I might fell him the maidenhead of my occupation for a half penny mass, here a comes, a shall have't, you faith. Worshipful Gentleman, look with your eye, and pity with your Heart the distress of a martial ma ̄ , I have be a man in my days, and acquainted with better Fortune's then I now see time hath been I have born arms, but now one's gone, and I can no longer write Gentleman: where before if you please to bestow but one poor thistle of your bounty to prick the blister of my poverty, it would set my slender Fortune's a float, where they now lie beating on the goodwins of famine, I am none of these Lu gations that beg for fourscore and ten poor men: my suit is on lie for my self. Or else I were unworthy of your love if I neglect the visitation of so kind friends as your self and my deer mistress. Visitation! my wife's not sick, what visitation? 'Tis I am ill, 'tis the horn plague I have, I am sure that's not Gods visitation, yet they are the Lords tokens, for he hath sent them me: but marry when you will, isle try and you be a Chandler, isle see if you'll take your own tokens again: well, but in the mean time, I am marked for death, yet he'll be in the pit before me. Oh that I should be a Cuckold! a creature of the last edition, and yet of the old print. They say Cupid is a boy, yet I have known him confute the oppinon of all your Phylosphers: for they hold every light thing tends directly up: but I think all know he makes every light wench, fallen directly down. Well I am sure a hath knocked me with his bird bolt, for the which Venus give him cor rection; for I do already love a Lady of and imcompara ble delicacy, but she's another men, and will shut her ears as close to keep out charms, as great men do their gates, to keep in alms. Yet I have no reason to dis pair, for I have kissed her, and the French proverb says, Fame baissee est demi ioyee, a woman kissed is half enjoyed: but I fear he means but the upper half. I have here a Letter must work a strange thing, and yet no miracle, it must make a La j love her friend better then her own husband. Oh Wages! what Tennis-ball ha fortune taken thee for, to toss thee thus into my way? But what's the news my Lad, what's the news? how does Sir Timothy Troublesome, that iellious knight thy Master. Now in the name of destiny who fears a? But dost thou think his Lady honest? But she ha been a Courtier, and therefore know king most good, me thinks she would commit least ill. True, through most of the twelve signs, for they shoot from their Husbands at Aries (which governs the head) and fallen at Scorpio, and so indeed they shoot from top to tail: but honest Wages, will you bind me to 'y. I mean in courtesy good Wages. Then be friend me thus, deliver this Letter to your Ladies own hand, with as much secrecy as you may, and take this for your employment. Did you deliver my Letter? To her self? Made she any answer? What other news then rides on the back of report? Why Hermaphrodit? Oh prithee do thou board her as she passes by. What's she? No, why? She's a fool tell her, the Lawyers are the pillars of the Realm. Faith of none Gentlewoman, only a young gallant as you see. Yes that I can. Hold mistress, spend that for my sake, and it shall not be long ere I will come and visit your house. Farewell. No, no, fear not that. With all my heart, Wages farewell, and bring but and answer of my letter; and I will be thy paymaster, not thy debtor. My Lord sir, what Lord? Oh now I see the trick on't, his wife hath gulled him with a lie & made him believe I am but a poor seruingma ̄ only to enjoy my love: Oh kind woman! Oh sweet Lady! nay now I see she loves me. Faith sir I see you are a very worthy Gentleman, and for mine own partly I shall be glad to do you any pleasure, for to tell you true, I think my Lord means to Cuckold you indeed. But is this my pains requital and my loves reward? Well, farewell Lady, you may repent this yet ere lo ̄ g: yet peace found breath, least threats my plots beguile: we ̄ gence intended policy, must smile. I think not sir, his hour is passed long since, some oh there business hinders him. Assure your self sir, isle bring you notice before my Lord come. Well isle take my leave of you, till your occasion shall need my presence. I go, Yet this my comfort, in the gall of life, Suspicion never wronged a truer wife. First I served in Ireland, then in Holland, Braband, Zealand, Gelderland, Friesland and most of the seventeen Provinces, I was at the siege of Bargon up soon, carried a pike at the entrance of Sluice, and was hurt in the gro e entering the breche. I served under the command of Captain pipe. No sir, Captain Tobacco Pipe. I can assure your worship sir, I have seen him in very hight service, and when some of us his followers have smoked for't too: wherefore I beseech you sir, bestow something on me, for the knowledge you had of my good Captain. How Rogue sir though none of Fortune's favourites, nor great men's minions, yet perchances as good a man as your self: swounds Roguel I must not now beg lame, for fear I lose his sir vice by it: I beseech ye good black Captain bestow something of a poor Should r, that hath served his Prince both by Sea and land: if you bestow but one poor penny of your liberality, when ̄ the wheel off to, turn S, if he bit er frosts of pouer e oe not in the mean time nip my Fortune's in the blossoms, I doubt not but to reciprocrate your curs . Oh, I cry you mercy good Master Must rd-Pot. Come that n sir, will you walk a turn or too? Why do you not know poverty hath a Gentle man Ushers place, it goes bear before death. Slack. Then I will: fairly met fair Mistress. Where about is your house fair Lady? Now fair mistress, this far through the mouth of danger am I come & made my passage eve ̄ through her life. devouring Jaws to feast mine eyes upon this beauty, which makes me think all danger's but a sport, so you receive and wrap me in your loves embracements, and take hold of this fair occasion, for well you know your Hus bans Jealousy will turn this proffered time Like for tunes wheel, and drown our fairest Hope's even in dis pair, if you be tedious in our loves effects, and therefore since your with to hath safely plotted my arrival here; proceed even to the utmost lists of my desire, and make me happy in the fruition of your long desired love. It's no matter no matter. Well sir, in conceit I thank you then. You Wages, come you after Like a Clog to the heals of the old Ape your Master? So I think, for I have Ge tleman Like qualiti S e nough: for I had rather drink drunk to purge, then take Physic: but will you give me any thing sir? What other guests have you? I have been one some few you es. What say you Gentlewoman? Yes, I have born the badge of honour in my days. Because thou art a saucebox. Now thanks gentle heavens, Oh be you smiling still on my designs, and let your influence pour down good Fortune's, and be not angry, nor no more malevolent, but make my husbands reconcilement irrevocable. Faith I am yet clean paper, ye may write on me what you will, either Puritane or Protestant. So you will give me wages. I thank you sir. Who I, no: she recoils too much in the discharging for me to meddle with, but dost hear, put her away a gain as soon as thou canst: if thou ke pe her long, if she prove not Like a commodity of wood, and S ink in thy would ̄ ds then hang me. Your love to me, will breed the less suspicion. Fortune deny's me wealth: all ill upon her, Yet I have courage to defend your honour, Madam, you reason have to be unjust: A wicked husband makes and unkind wife. Men brag, that women weaker creatures be, Yet you must suffer all gross Injury, with silence too, and low linesse of spirit, And then forsooth a good wives name your merit. A goodly purchase sure to be a slave, Unto a slave, till you go to the graven. Eve had a soul as well as Adam, All souls are masculine, hold freedom Madam. If strength of body make the noblest creature, Why should not Lyons be the Kings of nature? The strongest creatures governed are by sense, And there thy soul hath little residence. Philosophers say, the Element of fire, Is active, purest, aptest to aspire: Of which you women have the lesser portion, Which makes your brains beget cold Notion. I grant that Adam was created so, But since his fallen, all thinks do backward go. Now active heart, gets murder, theft and rapin: 'Tis thy chariot which all vice does ride in. Against whose ille's women could temper spurns, Give me the heart which warms not that which burns. Oh hateful is the state you now do hold, Worse then the slave, that is for money sold. For you must money give to buy your evils, and bind your selves, to some incarnate devils. Be but chief steward in their drudgery, Bring forth their brats with your lives jeopardy. Scarce dare you give, and old sleeve from your arm, But they cry out, you're under Covertbaren. Oh! thats a thirsty sin, for nought can quench it but blood. Not put her away, and if she wrong him. If he do not, I say he is one of the aranst blocks y to ever ma ̄ spurned on: why is he not a Gentleman, a Knight, hath a not seen fashion: sir, I would have you bear a noble mind, put he away and you list, 'tis no matter for cause, if she change but a treneher with the Groom of your stable, 'tis dealing e ough to be divorced, Therefore put her away, and then you may have another wife. True, why the more viler strumpet she to cuc kold you. I marry sir, I Like that well, for commonly he that hath but one suit when he comes there, hath two erehe come away, for if he sue by Petition, it lies so long in your Courtiers pocket, that it is another suit to get his Petition back again. There is none suddenly dispatch ed of his suit there but a Taylor, marry he stays not at all, unless his suit be to have more eye for his suit, and so he makes his suit two suits too ere he go. But come, shall we go see what follows after our Masters new divorce. Slight I think the man be mad, but ye not have her sir? Well, woodcock Like by thy bill, 'tis my hap, Thus fast to be catched in a woman's trap. You had and ill Midwife Mistress, she hath not closed your mould well behind. Well, goethy ways, I warrant thee a found piece of her. 'Slife what should I do now to stop this slaves ven nomed breath, for fear it infect my reputation with my new master? this time was ill taken, yet something I must do fellow Wages, how long hast thou been here? Faith the greatest fault that I can find in that is, it cousins the Scriveners, for it borrows money without gi ving any obligation. And let him fume, Oh would his Gall would burst with indignation, then should his tempe pr create my bliss, and I that Saint incarnate: but what shall I do, since base nor noble shape can win, a third isle try. And if that fail knight, go to church and pray, For vengeance wings brings on thy lethal day. I, why not? I felt it by giving my hand to bid it farewell. I know your husband well Mistress Correction, and Mistress Punckit too, I hear she keeps her bed much, what is she not in health? Hise fellow Wages, pray a word we, dost mean to have her? Slight he hath herd all. Why man twa's my master set me only to try her. True, and look here he comes, but I pray thee say nothing, let me tell him of it. I'll tell their conditions. I would have that sin burned for a witch, it chan ges men into so many shape. Oh! that's and excellent sin, for to deal with, a that hath a lose belly, for 'twill bind any man for ten grotes. Faith Sloth is a good Maidenly Greenesicknesse sin. Oh thats the suckingst sin that a man can be ac qainted withal, it cannot endure to be in company, it creeps into corners, and hides it self in the dark still. True, a gallant, and yet a modest Lady too, one that shall nourish no blood but your own, tender your reputa cion as the apple of her eye, & honour even your very footsteps. So, 'tis good to keep her still: dwell in the Suburbs to break down your own glass windows, set some picks upon your hatch, and I pray profess to keep a Baudy-house. Know it, why she's daily troubled with water pangs, and quakings over her stomach. But why do you laugh sir? Why you, who should it be Like lse? Why the more Like you for that: why do you not not know the Philosophers hold the child is always Like the party which the mother thinks off in the concep cion: now she thought most of you, for fear you should a come the while, and thats the reason so many Gentle men's sons are Like your Citizens, and calls them father's too, for otherwise how could it be that a young Cockney being left forty or fiftiie thousand pounds: spends all within so many months, but that some young gallant begat him, for you know the prover be, Cat will after kind. No, had the old Citizen begotten him, he would a bit a Fig in two, to have made joust weight, & have had a pot with h a false bottom, rather then a sold too much measure, he would have done all things within meas re as your old Citizen did, and not a spend all beyond measure, as your young Gallants do. Oh no, that were base, and as deceitful as the Colic when it breaks out in wind, which levels at a men heel, and it strikes him in the nose, therefore never make a show of one thing, and do and other, but put her away, rid your hands of h r, and there's and end. Why who's the Father of a Punks child? is't not filius populi, it may have two Father's for any thing we know. True sir, and takes her partly too, and you mark him Of all occupations, that ever man professed, In my opinion still does hold, the Cutpurse is the best. Because he will trust no man, foe as soon as he hath lone his work, he is sure to have his money in his and. But I pray thee what's the news ab oad now? Mass I think a be kind indeed, yet blind's the bet ter of the two I think, for as thou sayest, if she be dumb, I am sure sheele say nothing that shall offend her Husband: if blind, sheele see nothing that shall offend her, and where he nor she's offended, there must needs be a peace: but beside this is there no peace thinkest thou in the marriage of a wife. Why, why wilt thou marry then? I, I would, my Master had given me a suit of Buff when he gave me this. Oh, I do not Like such suits, for commonly they that have many of them go almost naked for want of clothes, yet I cannot deny but they are very lasting, but they are subject to many discommodities: so if there be any good ness in one of them, your Lawyers Like moths, eat shroad holes to it, but your Country Attorneys Like l ce ne we leave wrighting and wrangling till they have crep't in to it, but when it hath been well worn and grown third bore, they even Like Lice drop off, and leave it. Why did you not perceive it? Oh monstrous! why did she not say herself, she knew he had the better weapon ̄ , for which cause she stood against him, meaning Baudery, flat baudery, and yet you could not perceive it: now by this light, had you slept but one foot lighter, you had taken them in the very fact, but you go dreaming hanging down your head, that 'tis no ma well your wife makes you a Cuckold: for the husband being the wives head, why when the head goes down thus the heals must needs mount up. Straight put her away, why you may have e nough. There's your Peg, she is fair, modest, honest, dis Crete and honourable. Who? Why I speak of none, I talk of a woman, I. I go, and you shall be divorced or else my brain shall swe : for what your folly loses, my wit shall get. Here where you are, in deer and High regard. Oh that's a most gentleman Like sin, it scorns to be beholding for what it receives in a men house, it come monly leaves it again at his door. Thats a sign you are too patient, and Like and Ass ein dure all without resistance. Nay then 'twill run upon wheels with thee in deed, but peace fool peace, when thou art once married, that suspect will die. No way? why does the Ballad say then, So sweet a thing is Love, that rules both heart and mind, there is no comfort in the world, to women that are blind. I, I think by this time, for he swore he would be presently. By my troth, I am sorry for it, for in my con science it is without cause, it grieves me to see him in these humours, for I thank his Worship he hath ever used me well, I am bound to pray for his life. 'Tis here sir. Yea, are you vanished? True sir, there is nothing done, but there's reason for it, (if a man could find it) for whats the reason your Citti zens wives continually wear hats, but to show the desire they have always to be covered. Or why do your Sem sters spend their time in pricking, and your Ladies in po king of ruffs; but only to show they do as they would be done unto? or why do your Inns of court men lie with his Laundress in a long vacation, but because he hath no more nigh to go abroad? Or why do your old judges widows always marry young Gen lemen, but to show that they love execution better then judgement. Your's! why how can't be your's: are you not circumcised to the quick? Alas poor Lady, I pity your calamity, and grieve to see you bruised by my Masters injury, which makes your eyes Like sponges drop these brinish tears, and spoils a Face, such as was never better one framed by the skilful hand of Nature. Oh! then my Love is a most clear and brightest star: look not with a malevolent Aspect upon me, but let your eyes bright raise up my life, and so extol my thoughts What shall I do? Avoid thou unresistable Torteror, more rest ting to my thoughts then Cankars are to Metals. How often have I told thee of my would read? For of this be thou sure and still remembered: deep hate (Like love) can hard lie be dissembled. Why what are you? Foe: she knew you were but a prentice to the occu pation, and commonly Prentices spoil their first work, and being unskilful, she was loath you should practice in a good Shop, and therefore she befriended you, because she would have it well done: she Gam a better workema ̄ to do it for you. For whats the reason the younger bro the (according to the old wives tails) always proved the wisest men, but because the Father's grew more skill full at last then they were at the first? but I think your wives eldest Son will prove and excellent fellow, because she had the help of so many in the making of it. For come monly if one have a thing to be done, as a conveyance to be drawn, or a case in the law to be argued, a man would have the help of as many good Lawyers as he could get: now this case of making of children, and a case in the law, is something Like, for as one Lawyer takes his fee, and deals in't, another Lawyer comes and argues the case more profoundly: but in the end wh n all is done, leaves it to be tried by the Jury, in whom the right is, and so must you: when they and you and all have done your best, yet in the end, must leave it to be tried by your wife, whose the child is, for a woman's knowledge in this case, is bet ter then twelve men's. Sblood I tell thee I will speak with her, what wouldst thou bar my chance when ̄ my whole Fortune's lies on y cast. Your husband, your husband is and ass, by this light and he should offer you but and ill look in my sighed, tweare better he had no eyes: but 'tis your own fault that would not ere now accept of the love of a Soldier, to have kept the slave in some awe. But dost hear me sweet Lady, I have loved thee long, and must now enjoy thee. Fear nothing: this warlike sword of mine shall defend thine honour, this Martial blade shall do' : life it shall i'faith. A Pistol? cods my life, what shall I do then? I pray hide me some where. Slight woman your husband will see me. Nor no other weapon? I thank you sir. Save thee sweet Lady, I hear thy husband is from home, which makes me come to tender thee my persons love. Your Husband, would! where, where? Gods precious woman, he hath a Pistol, a sword no shield against a bullet. 2 pages missing receive, & then to have, hold, manure & occupy in statum quo pri S, that is in the state before & I do not doubt but your grant in this case will be good, for there is a case that proves this in quinto of Rich the that rd: a patron ̄ was seized of and aduowsio ̄ in fee, with two nuns appe ̄ Dam ̄ to, & theru ̄ to pre scented a parson ̄ , with a proviso, y if the incu ̄ bent should alien gram ̄ to, demise, let, set, or otherwise put away the premises, or any partly or parcel thereof that then it should be lawful for the patron (or his assigns) in and upon the whole to re enter. The incumbent aliened, the Patron entered, the Quare was, whither those two Nuns were any partly of the premi ses, & by virtue of the proviso subject to y reentry: & after long dispute it was agreed by all the Court, that the entry was good, as well in the two Nu ̄ S, as in the rest of the premi ses. The ̄ much more in this case, where we are both lay me ̄ . I'faith. Sblood woman he hath a Pistol. Well then, well, nay I care not if he had.