SIR TIMOTHY

And I which hate my wife his mistress: his welcome home, will breed my ill at home, I breed my horns as Children teeth, with sickness and with pain: and yet I will with as smooth a face as my wife will give me leave, make show of welcome. Sir, I much rejoice to see you, and doubt not, but ere long, youl' come & see where my poor house does stand. You more Courtiers, more Gallants, more Gentle men? now in a hu ̄ dreaded thousand horned devils names, what makes a there? what is a gone to bed to your Lady? does a Cuckold me in mine own house, in mine own chamber? nay in mine own Sheets? what he's come to visit her to, is a not, would? But let me see, I have now found out a trick to know if my wife make me a Cuckold, I will geld my self, & then if my wife be with child, I shall be sure I am a Cuc kold, that will do brave i'faith, God a mere j brain. A man would think you saw me, for I am sure ye have hit me right enough. Nay, nay, though I be, you may be friends again with me in spite of my teeth, for look you sir: my wife and I are but one, and then though I fallen out with you, you may fallen in with her. Nay, nay, you may, you may i'faith, you may, my wife is charitable, and would be glad by such a means to make us friends. I, I warrant her with all her heart, and now must be do as all shadows do, when night comes, creeps into the substance. Oh wages, wages, Oh honest wages! what other Gall lants come to your Lady in my absence? Would lie! with whom would he lie good Uva ges? How dost mean, pump, would! Is that pumping for wit? A most witty exposition, of what years. But what makes the cropeard stallion with my wife then? More! no, too much by heaven, nay then twa's passed suspisition, passed doubt, passed jealousy, is not my hairs turned all to horns? am I not a monstrous and deformed Beast? my wife's a Goddess (though not Diana) she can trans form: I branch wages, I bram ̄ changed, do I not? am not I a good lie screen for men to hang their hats upon. No? no Cuckold? he lies with your Lady, and your Lady lies with him, yet I am no cuckold. Would! meanest so? Nay, then I cry you mercy wife, i'faith she yet may chance be honest. Well Wages, if I be a Cuckold— What will I do? isle make it known, for I will be a Citizen, and so be a Subject for Poets, and a slave to my own wife, therefore follow me Wages, I will doo't. Woman, art Iellious? Why? I. Because thou givest me cause. True, false, thou hast been false indeed, abused my bed, infected even my very blood, and made it grow to hard impostumes on my brows: hast thou not wantonly, changed naked embracements with strangers? abused thy nuptial vow? hath notthy unsatiate womb, brought forth the bastardy of lust to call me father? but isle abandon thee, disclaim that, and hate you both. Did not I find thee in private conference with my horsegroome? Didst not thou give a Diamond to the Butler? No 'tis false. Art mad? What art drunk? Dost hear? you are a sort of uncertain giddy uva uering, tottering tumbling creatures, your affections are Like your selves, and yourselves Like your affections, up & down, Like the tucks on your Petticoats, which you let fallen and take up as occasion serves: I have seen of your sex fallen in love with a man, for wearing a handsome Rose on his shoe: another fallen into the passion of the heart, to see a man untie his point, to make water: a third fallen into the shaking Ague for eating a body cherry with two stones, and yet youl' be fellows, even with the very image of your maker: but wilt let me alone, and i'faith isle be qui et. Then isle leave thee, since I know 'tis folly beyond madness, to make her pleasure cause of my sadness. Now fair mistress: this is strange to find you here alone: With what? This night? No no, cuckold me, kill me with grief, do, do, & when I am dead marry him: a ha made you a jointure already of Breech down: well wife well, I married you out of the Country, but you have learned the City fashi ons already: I am a Cuckold, I am, but ignorance that I was to marry thee so young, not being able scarce to put thine own apparel on. True, so might other men too. Oh snallowe and womanish invention, as if he would betray his master. But is this true? art honest indeed? come hither, dost love me, dost? nay but tell me true, dost? Do not flatter me, I scarce believe thee, thou ne ver kissest me but with such and affection, as a young wife does and old husband wringing her lips, and making a mouth as if she were taking a Potion. Dost not distats me too sometime, tell me true? Well prithee forgive me and lets go, but isle so swinge my Lord a h r son otter, isle teach him fish in other men's ponds. And bless you Lady, Oh sirrah, are you there? come you hither, what's that strange Lady there? So, Like a Lute, and you Like a skilful mu tian have been fingering it. Well I praise H me ̄ , and I adore my stars, she hath no acquaintance with such a female fly as you are. Now the plague of Egypt light upon you all, Lice devour yetcomeye hither sirrah, what's the cause you keep such villainous company? Oh thou pampered lade! what wouldst thou have? what wouldst thou feed on Quails? art thou not Fat? is not thy neck brawn, thy leg calf? thy head beef, & yet thou wants meat. Well, isle think on't, and so go call your mistress. Oh excellent wife, how true she told me, what a beast have I been still to wrong her with suspect. Why thats well said, hold hear's one Angel more, and go but with my wife, sheele show you the other door while I watch this: and if a come, knock him down, kill him, and lay the fault on me, isle please you for your pains, look, here's a club will hold. Go wife, go with him, see a stand stiffly too't, and if occasion serve. Why thats well said, and if a come to this door, isle teach him come to tie his mare in my ground, but what a slave have I been still thus to suspect my wife, I could never feel any horns I had, and yet I know my scull is so thin that if my wife should a Cuckold me with the least thing in the world, yet my horns would a grown through now am I for my Lord. Are you going sir, are you going, what will not your Lord come Nay, but will you sure? shall I trust to you? for look you sir, and if you should not come, pray stay a little, me thinks your band is torn. Fare you well sir, I hope that shall be never: but have not I spun a fair thread think you, to be a very Bawd, and arrant wittal, to give them opportunity, put them toga there, Nay hold the door the whilst this is my wives plot, by which I have sailed to Cuckolds haven yet my sail was but asmocke, which she her self hoist up alas alas, Gentlemen do you not know the Philosopher says this world is but a stage: hodie mihi, cras tibi my partly to day, it may be some of yours to morrow high 'tis but matrimoni all chance, we that are Cuckolds should be wissest men, for no men else do know their ends, but we know ours, for we are forked at both Oh thou powerful and ce lestiall Jove! strike down from heaven some congealed bolts of thunder, that it may pierce the womb of earth, and through it send thy lightning flames to make hell hight ter then it is, or with Egyptian damps and rotten jaws re nouate thy eating plague of life, dissolve nature, consume earth, destroy hell, and dambe woman I beseech thee into a deeper dungeon then the Devil. They fill men with diseases, and give the wane-eyed Sun of Heaven cause to smile to see our pains: shall the gaping of graves, the scritching of Ghosts, and cries of damned souls, yet longer be deferred? shall time incorporate with sin, and beget more mischief? shall hell be better fur nished with women then with Devils? infernal Lucifer will muster up his female souls against thy diety, un less thou do abridge the course of sin by cutting off the increase of women, and then we shall have no more cuckolds. Come you hither wife, come you hither, pray tell me one thing true. Because you are a Punk wife, a punk. Talk not of pity, pity is deaf and cannot hear the poor men cry, much less a strumpets. Charity is frozen and benumbed with cold, it can not help thee, dost kneel? dost kneel? to the heaven's not to me yet they look thy heart should stoop, and not the knee. Dost weep dost? Rise, rise thou stumpet, go out of my sighed, in, in. Hoe, Wages! Come heather Wages, my olderesolution is come on me again, and it shall make me do much, for I will geld my self. Therefore go fetch me the Opperator. Oh he's and excellent fellow, he takes away the cause of a men beastly desires. He makes a man not care a rush for a woman. Does not such a fellow deserve commendations? He deserve's much praise. If she be a punckit isle not be divorced. Well wages, come follow me, for I am resoul'd to try my wives honesty. Wages, how many pounds go to a stone of beef? What a Solemnizing jer? No not penny. with that e, why, art not lousy? We never in better fashion? Was thy Father and Alcumist that thou art so poor? Thy name, Of what Religion art? Yes that I will, and thou shalt wear my livery too, isle give it thee, thou shalt not buy't thy self. Have you such a Gentlewoman lies at your house? It seems he hath be acquainted with her. No, does he not Study? And then you married this man? Whatist Mi. Cor for you are very Like to speed? Why you have a husband alive? If he be willing, with all my heart. Well Mistress Correction, I could wish you go a bout this your affairs as soon as you may, & Slack, & Uva ges do you two follow me. That which is most Like her, which if thou wilt repeat— And I, which is most Like her. Murder, for nought can quench her thirst of lust, but now I soon shall find his villainy, praised be my vigilant care: which if I do espy, isle turn her off. Another wife? Hah! now by the virtue of my hearing, he speaks but reason. A Bawdyhouse? no, isle die first, and if I see but any apparent show of her disloyalty, isle even be divorced immediately. Yes, and the remembrance of it galls me. But were not I best go home and use her well, till the child be born, to see if it be Like me, that I may be sure 'tis none of mine. I think who's the father of the bastard? I mark him: no Slack, no pray heaven a mark not me, but isle instantly sue out a di orce, hap what hap shall, but ill's his hap whose wife lies down to all. Now Wages, what news with you? What's that? I'st possible? Not with child sayest thou? Wages I would thou wouldst but do some charita ble offices True. Never, as I hope to be reconciled, therefore tell me, will thou doo't? I pray thee do but try: I faith thou shalt not lose thy pains. That was in my fury man, but wilt thou not do it? Well, thou wilt leave me now then? I warrant you. Slight, the rogue says he is a shamed to speak for me, hist Wages, hist wages. Forty shillings. Three pound, three pound. You faith I will wife. Be not angry sweet wife, i'faith it was my plot, but you have been a heavy enemy of mine. 'Tis true. Yes, and heeres another. My faith, and he swore indeed he would be reuen ged in and other place: did he not Wages? I, had I such a rapier, I would a made him run Like and Irish Lackey. Not, I protest. I'll never more hear of rcconcilement, but be di orced immediately. And would a be acquainted with me fallest? The man thou speakest of. And have all these good conditions. Dost know her. Hark then, rend a chamber, hang out her picture, take twelve pence a piece at the least, For enough will come I know: To see that which none else can show. Yes, if thou tell true, who would not have her: but first make winged speed to purchase my divorce, hold here's money, make hast, use no delay, For all men must for expedition pay. Oh Wages, isle tell thee news, I have sent for a divorce, and what wilt thou say when I am married to a new wife? No Wages, I do not hold that so good: for sure, mar riage is better then hanging in some. A Christian! I, why dost think I would marry a ? Peg, is she not a fine Gentlewoman? Hath she not a piercing eye? A delicate nose. Teeth Like two rows of orient pearl. Wages. I there's it indeed, there is no excuse for that: yet thou mayest tell her, I did it only to preserve my voice. Deliver this Jewel to her hand, and with it even my hearts affe ction. Now must I be frolic, learn to speak well, and woo with a good garb: and now I think on't, I have a pre tie conce e of mine own, I will tell her that the wooing of a young wench, is the felling of a tree, and the getting of her friends good will, Like the lopping of the tree, therefore first it behooves me to hew down the tree & then isle climb with ease: but if at first to fell it I be not able, to assay to climb it shall be in vain. Welcome, hast thou brought the divorce. Come then, lets in, it joys me much that thou so scone hast sped, For hours seem years, till it be published. I fly, and hate thee Like a Serpents hissing, which comes to sting me with pretence of kissing. Oh fainty tears, and feeb e hands, or ever may you close, and never partly till sharpest grief have cut the heart strings of my life. Or else let this same brain of mine dis solve to tea es, and drop it self even drop by drop, until it make a Sea of woes, that therein I may drown my w ched life. Whose tears Like to a clear, yet poisoned source, have with their vapours through these eyes (the windows to my heart) infected all my thoughts. Thy eyes do shoot forth glances Like to stars, though seated in a moist and rainy Sky, the which hath wounded even my heart, and I must die; Lest Achilles lance-like, healed by your eye. I'll follow my suit, not ceasing till the most of trial, For he's a fool in Love that makes denial. Nay, you must tell what 'tis. No, no, words are to weak to wipe them off, when deed have put them on. Save your honesty then, and be gone without bid ding. Oh you are welcome Sir, welcome i'faith, but when comes your Lord? is he at hand, with a come? Nay, come, come, make not the matter strange ma ̄ , my wife hath told me all, you are and honest man, hold, hold, will you but be friend me now, and watch another door unto my h use, and give me notice when a comes, while I watch this. Yes, for his pleasure that is gone. You are a Cockatrice wife, a cockatrice You are a whore wife, a whore. I, horn mad, ah thou vile perfidious, detestable, las ciuious, unsatiable, Luxurious and abominable strumpet, was it not enough to be and Acteon, a cornuto, a cuckold, but to make me a Bawd, a Pimp, a Pander? What Pimp? what Pander? why was not this the Lord Nonesuch? did I not see his chain, nay prithee say twa's not he, nay swear it too: over shoes over boots, since ye have waded to the belly in sin, nay now go deeper even to the breast and heart. Wages I do now more doubt my wives honesty then ever, therefore isle make him the touchstone of her re putation. Then I am lighter by sixteen pound now then I was, I may now lie with any Lady in Europe for any hurt I can do her. I can cuckold no man, What's he Wages? Why then thou art a Gen leman by profession, and 'tis a Gentleman to beg. Oh Slack, I hate worse then the worst sin that is. Believe me he speaks wisely, and good counsel, Like a Lady, is to be embraced. She shall go, isle make her truss up her trinkets, o faith she shall away. Why had I not a good leg? did I not always wear clean lining? was not my hand washed, my beard combed, my cloak brushed, and my shoes blacked, every morning. Indeed I must needs say that's a great proof, she hath filled her belly with something that stood against her stomach, but dost not think 'tis my child. Why 'tis none of mine man. Well Slack, I do very much mistrust Wages too, for he is grown very familiar of late. Oh isle hide me here, and so I shall hear all what she says. Be friends with me good wife, for here I do conf sse. Hands as white as Pelops shoulder. Go to her, and measure by thy protestations the depth of my affections: tell her what I will be to her, not what I have been to others: if she allege to thee her cousins presupposed wrongs, tell I , I well could have be hood winked to her cousins faults, so I had never seen her face. Now if she should refuse my Jewel and contemn my love, or contemn my love, and take my Jewel: what a oole was I to send her a token till I had some token of her affection, as if women might be wooed with gifts, for when we give them those things which most we love, they do esteem we love them better then those things we give, when they poor fools do but deceive themselves, for we do iue as Merchants venture, for a eble; again we send them okens only to get the ̄ and their portions. But there comes my persecutor. with open ears to swallow comfort. If I wrong her, yowl do her right, I bear a blow of yours, the which I never felt, you are Like a men Taylor that works with open shop for the Husband, but if you chance to do any thing for the wife, you must do it in wards, inward! you are a good workman, I must needs say't: you have fitted my wives body, how sa'y wife, has anot? No, 'tis not now I see to, by this hand 'tis he, 'tis he, what should I do, now if I should strike him, he would be to hard for me, for he is better armed then I. The stonecutter. Pray what was your first husba ̄ worser She would never nckold me, but that she hath some reason for't Dost hear Wages, speak for me, and by this light isle mend thy Wages. Then, come sweet wife, letsin, And Wages, thy pains deserves to be requited, For separated hearts, hast thou united. Well wife, believe me, I thank you for this: for I w ld not for the wealth of all this town he should a hurt him in my house, well sir you shall sup with me: and after supper isle conduct you to your lodging my self, but fear nothing. Do so: Oh my sweet wife, my selected spouse, the very vessel of chastity, filled to the very btim with Hymen zeal & nuptial duty: how have I abused thee? but I have washed repentance even in tears, and in thy absence I have dedica ted sacred sighs unto thee to appease thy wrath: therefore tell me sweet wife, when comes this pa ̄ der, when comes he? Alas my Lord, what would you have? my love is not mine own. What vile excuses canst make, how canst thou hide thy lust? wouldst wrap thy sin in perjury to muffell up thy villainy? Wilt thou serve me? But how dost know she is with child. Gods my passion, what do I see, this is he, I see his chain: nay but look you fit, when will you come again? by this light I see his signet ring. Go to, be quiet Wages. Oh with es too Oh, but I wonder much she would not give me leave to make my first child my self. Would, would, would. To think who the child will be Like. Believe me, and he might easily have slain you sir, for he had a very long apier. Alas man, isle do my good will. A pox on thee, art not ashamed to tell her that thou art a shamed to speak for me? hist, hist, Wages. Why how now Wife, whats the matter? what stir have we here? Forgiveness wife: Oh how have I wronged thee, Oh who would abuse your sex, which truly knows you? Oh women were we not born of you? should we not then ho nou_r_ you? nursed by you, and not regard you? begotten on you, and not love ye? made for you, and not seek you? and since we were made before ye, should we not love and admire you as the last? and therefore perfectest work of nature, Ma ̄ was made when nature was but and apprentice, but woman when she was a skilful Mistress of her Art, therefore cursed is he that does not admire those Paragons, those Models of heaven, Angels on earth Goddesses in shape: by their loves we live in double breath, even in our Of spring after death. Are not all Vices masculine, and Virtues feminine? are not the Muses the loves of the lear ned? do not all noble spi rits follow the Graces because they are women, there's but one Phoenix and she's a fe male: Is not the Princes and foundres of good arts Miner , born of the brain of highest Jove, a woman? have not these women, the face of love the tongue of persuasion, the body of delight? Oh divine perfectio ̄ ed, women, whose prai ses no tongue can full express, for that the matter does ex ceede the labour, Oh if to be a Woman be so excellent, what is it then to be a woman inritch'd by nature, made excellent by education, noble by birth, chaste by virtue, adorned by beauty: A fair woman which is the ornament of heaven, the grace of earth, the joy of life and the delight of all sense, even the very summum bonum of men life. He that a long way voyage takes in hand, fears dangerous gusts at sea, and storms: At land conquering cold that cripels cursed age, and doubts least every cloud should prove a storm, & Beatrice his wearied carcase to the earth. But Oh, I would to God my lon gest Journey unto death were to be taken, for I worser e cast no doubts, having lost all comfort, My Son, I fear, is dead, The lose of him makes life to me but Like a blister on my flesh, which grieves me much, and nought can ease, unless it breaks. Oh while he lived his prese ̄ ce was a force unto my age, & gave it such a luster as did enrich my ring of Life: for life is but a ring beginning in our weakness, going round, till unto weakness we return again, then to the ground. The world it self is but a skilful game at chesses, which being ended, Kings and Queens, Bishops and Knights into one bags are thrown at last: So all of us both poor and rich, shall in the end into the earth, as into a Bag be cast-Mans ife is Like unto a ship that crossed by tempests and by tides, some thoughts of his Like billows swell him up a loft, another strikes him down, Thus man as on a sea is oste, infa est weather fears a sto me, and in a storm the event, but in the end he sinks, when life is spent: grief hath no bounds in tears, it ebbs and flows. Till it have drowned life, and ended woes.