LADY TROUBLESOME

Sir, I am sorry that I cannot with that free scope of friendly entertainment, give welcome to your worth, because a jealous spirit haunts my husband, which does disturb us all, this devil hath long vexed h m, and he as long vexed me, & were I not composed of more then of and ordinary female spirit, the burden of his wrongs would Tyre me quite. Patient! no, you are his patient, and he is your Phisi tian, a ministers to you (with a Morbus Gallicus take you both) I pray forsooth let me be your Butler, and scrape your Trenchers, since I am already feign to live of your lea uinges. I. Because you give me cause: but man are you jealous? why? 'Tis false. Not, but you can even in my sighed cast amorous glances on others: you have forsook my bed, abhorred my presence and Like a man passed grace and shame, strut Like a pimp before a wanton feather waging minks at High noon: beside, did not I find thee kissing of thy Maid? No, for I have sufficie ̄ to reason, too much knowledge, and sense enough to feel my wrongs: why should we women be slaves to your imperfections? have we not souls of one mettle, are we not as free born as you? are we not all Adam's Offspring? did not you fallen as well with him as we, and shall we be still kept down and you rise? A lone! faith no. Oh shadow, shadow, I would have you know I would not wrong him for all the seas drowned riches: for if my heart of blood should do it as he supposeth it does, even that blood would Like a traitor write my faults with blushing red upon my cheeks: but because I (as all woe men and Courtiers do) love good clothes which his eyes wear, yet he abraids me, swearing 'tis to please the multitude, and that I spread gay rags about me Like a net to catch the hearts of strangers: if I go poor, then he swears I am beastly, with a loath ed sluttishness: if I be sad, then I grieve he is so near: if merry, and with a modest wantonising kiss Embrace his Love, then are my twistings more dan gerous then a Snakes, my lust more un atiate then was Messal nas: Yet this from Iealiousie does always grow. What most they seek they lothest of all would know. But now to you deer Cousin, forgiveness let me ask, and pardon for my ained Jealousy, and take but thus much of my counsel. Marry not in hast, for she that takes the best of Husbands, puts but on a gold ̄ fetter, for husbands are but Like to painted fruit, which promise much, but still deceives us when we come to touch: if you match with a Courtier, heel have a dozen Mistress's at least, and repent his marriage within four and twenty hours at most, swearing a wife is fit for none but and old Justice or a country Gentleman. If you marry a Citizen (though you live never so honest) yet ye shall be sure to have a Cuckold to your Husband. If a Lawyer, the neatenesse of his Clarke will draw in question the good carriage of his wife. If a Merchant, heel be ven turing abroad, when a might deal a great deal more safe at home: therefore come Cousin come, lets home, and this take of me, That amongst the best there's none good, all ill: she's married best that's: wedded to her will. Not alone, but environed and accompanied. With many heart-biting thoughts, which Like Act teons hounds have almost slain my self yet now my constancy shall prove a glass, in which your self shall see your own errors: the Lord Nonesuch which you have long suspected, with unrebated edge of lust, hath aways sought, (I must confess) to cut my very reputations throat, & this night— I this night, but hear me husband: I was the fitter for a Husband, you might then a been sure to have taken me a bed at all times, No, you are deceived husband, other men never lie with a men wife but when she is ready for them, but to the purpose: this night have I promised the Lord Non such a shall enjoy my love, for which cause he will send a certain Pander before, for fear you stand a rock in his way, on which all his Hope's will suffer shipwreck. Now this same Panderly Pylate shall be by you bribed to sta ̄ worser sentinel, and give the watchword when a comes, that you may then punish him, either with death or fear. Tut money often times corrupts a good, disposition and makes a knave ride post to hell. Or else in hatred let me ever live. You distaste me much sir. Nothing but your Jealousy. Give me, give me, come. For his pleasure, why for his pleasure? Now Jove bless me. Now heavens defend me. Sir, the man is mad. What Pimp? what Pander? Pray hear me husband. Nay good Husband for pity sake hear me. For charity hear me. Oh my unkind husband, why dost reject me? if not on thee, where should I fix my love to have reward Presumptuous slave whose flesh upon thy boam e, Thy Master joust, may challenge as his own: Which by the dead scrapes from his trencher God, Is quickened now, to cut thy geuers throat: Thou venem'd Snake, frozen with beggary, Now being thawed by thy Master's boun j. Wouldst sting the bosom that did revive thee, and Like a viper gnaw, who first conceived thee. Full argument of a servile spirit, For noble hearts will gratify each merit. We will, and heaven assist thy projects. But what's your suit Wages? Marry there were aiest indeed, being as he is now, a Woman would be loath to turn him amongst her ducks: truly Wages I am ashamed in your behalf, that a man of your discretion would urge it, therefore prethe speak no more on't, isle tell thee what, I could find in my heart to speak for him my self, but that 'tis such a jealous fool, that if he catch but a Flay in her bed, he will be searching to see if it be a male or a female, for fear a comes to Cuckold him. Is there honesty in this, to set a man behind the hangings to euise-drop our words. Give charge unto the cook a make not too much haste with supper, for I hope your master will be here to night, and look you keep fast the door, let no man trou ble me. Oh heavens, stars, fates, Gods smile not Like Sum ̄ mere on these Wasps no longer, that daly bussing come to sting my honour. Hark, hark, my husband is come. 'Tis not he? but isle try my Captains valour now. Oh sir, my husband, what shall I do now, he hath a Pistol in his hand too, he will kill us both. Oh no! as you love me, must enjoy me, and will defend my honour, draw forth this warlike sword: this is the mar tiall blade must do it, therefore I beseech you good Cap taine now or never. Oh no, no, no, he does use to search all the house still, to see if he can find any body here, but isle tell you what you shall do, draw out your rapier and go out against him, & whatsoever question he ask you make him no answer, but only say, you doubt not for all this, but you shall meet him and be revenged well enough in and other place, and leave the rest to me. Come out, come out man. Nor no other weapon? Why will you not believe me i'faith he hath not. Why husband did you not meet a man with a rapier drawn in his hand? Alas husband, he would a killed this poor Gentleman, but that he came and ran in here for shelter, and because I would not suffer him spoil him here in your house, he is gone in such a rage as you never saw. True, I know my self he had the better weapon, or else I would ere a stood so against him. To think upon the Saucy importunity of my Sir ant Slack: he is Like a badge on a coat, he is never off, off my sleeu , and yet I shun him Like the pest. And my man the man you so esteem, spite of refum shall left with me this cham e. Why dost thou haun me Like a Ghost, thou female inner: thou hast not holy church in thy power with all hit commandments, to keep me from thy unhallowed pre sense: how durst thou break the Edict pronounced by the mouth of holy Church Man? art thou not Divorced? is not our separation blown into the peoples ears, even by Jeho ahs chosen Trumpeter? First, thou didst break thy vow to me, and madest of every Priapus a Trumpet; on which thou blowedst thine own infamy: therefore avoid, thou leauend lump of sinfulness, avoid. Oh my still beloved Husband, Like filth or dirt, do not flay me Like a Serpent, which comes to sting thy bosom; I come to kiss; Sweet let not suspect divorce me from thy presence, though from thy bed: For if you will trust this masked face, I know: No fountain purer than my Love would show. For if you will trust this masked face, I know: No fountain purer than my Love would show. And so you would have us all be Married masked. Then the people would a stood gazing on us, and be sides, we should have been Like thee in dutch, subject to every Cobblers interpretation, but now being mar yed in the eve ning, presently bed time follows. Why, thou knowest 'tis not the fashion in all places to lie with ones own husband every night. Slight I had ra there lie with a man, and never marry him, then marry a ma ̄ and never lie with him, come, come, I speak my mind freely, I am none of these simpering wenches that come at e very, word & says I forsooth, & no forsooth, & blushes at the sighed of a child, it puts her in mind how it made & cries faugh at a wanton lest in a play, and harkens to a bau die tale in her ear. By this light I had as live mar e a Saint Davis Leek, no, no, take this of me, where ever thou seest the Snow lie on the Mountains, be assured there's no great heat in the valley. Sir you shall not touch him, husband you are to blame, your madness makes you much forget your man ners, and wrongs my him birth, to make me the only can kerd, and worm eaten branch that sprung out of my fa father's noble stock. No, no, know that the tree from which I grew, brought forth good fruit to all, not bade to you: but hence forth isle shake hands with mirth; and entertain a careless humour: for look you sir, the Devil gives this iellousie to man, as nature does a tail unto a Lie on, which thinks in heat to beat away the Flies, when he does most enrage himself with it: but come sir, will you be my servant, my sipher, my shadow, or indeed any thing? Say a do, do'y here husband, I hear do vow be before all the watchful guard of heaven, that I have lived as true unto thy bed, & chaste unto thy love, as ere was Turtle to his mate: but hence forrth cerimonious custom shall not curb me of delight, let her be bridled by opinion, whose weak desires cannot break her rain S: for my partly, isle make you know my will is Like a flint, smooth and cold, but being hardly strooken, sparkles forth fire even in the strikers eyes: I am a shamed that I have sa id thus much, yet I may lawfully speak, for why? come sir, will you walk? the proverb says, give losers' leave to talk. Oh grief! how thou tormentest me, it dwells in mine eyes, feasts on my blood: swims in my tears, and lodges in my heart. Oh heaven! have I deserved this plague? Oh Husband! why shouldst thou use me thus? was not my behaviour unto thee as soft as Down, as smooth as polished crystal, I and my love as clear? was I not Like a handmaid, even obedient to thy very thoughts? did not my nuptial duty Like a shadow fol low the very turning of thine eye? O! thou once didst love me, but thy love was too hight, and Like to self consu ming fire, it burned out, and how soon, 'tis turned to cold ashes, & therefore henceforth isle seem jealous of him: for since all endeavours fail, isle now try if Jealousy can driven out jealousy: and here is fit occasion for to work upon: Why how now Husband, wooing of another wife before my death, whence comes this? in my conscience 'tis a plague that Cupid hath lain upon me for sleeping croslegd in your absence. What, are you grown as weary of your wife as of a foul shirt? must you be changing? Didst thou not offer thy maid a new gown, for a nights lodging? Didst not thou send a bowed Angel to thy Landres sse Daughter? Yes, 'tis true, and then when I told thee on't, thou swarest it out of charity, because the Wench was poor, her Father a honest man, and her Mother a pain full woman: for these and these causes you were kind unto the Daughter, great whilst I was contented to believe, be cause I was unwilling, Like a faint hearted Soldier to look of mine own wounds, until I saw thou daily woundest my love a new, and slewest thine one reputation. No, but a little Jealous Like you, I will no longer maintain thy, sanguine sin, sooth lust with patience, nor in broken singing language flatter thy folly, as sweet heart do not uva ̄ der: for I do love thee deer as does a Goose her Gander: a Goose indeed for if ought but a Goose, I should a sought revenge for wrongs. I muse he stays so long, he should a been by pro mice here and hour since, and look here a comes? I warrant ye husband, fear it not, but isle do my partly. Morrow Wages. Your parsons Love (sir) is most commonly a be fice, Oh that I should be troubled with this Ass now, do you hear ir, if my husband should come and find you here we were both undone. With all my heart. True: why husband, isle lie for no men plea sure. But Wages, is there no means (thinkest thou) to turn by it, nor to force back his stream of wrath. What and receive his love again, you mean? Why how now Wages, have you betrayed us? Then in hope yowl kinder prove, I am con tent, For this know, a Woman's heart will soon re lent. Perish may thy self and love together: Heavens grant again, I never may hear of either. I'll do my best most willingly. Well Wages well: to tell thee truly, I bear no malice, and if I wist he would amend, I should forgive and love him with my heart again. But shall they need to come naked too? Sure this fellow thinks he hath some right to me, & he Hope's to win me by law, but what think ye: if my hus band should come and enter now upon us two, in what case were you? Spretious man, that's all one, come out, come out, draw your sword, hold it in your hand, make some show of re sistance. He hath none, he hath none, by this hand I did but est. I, to have overtaken you. I would not, if I could mend that which does cause my grief. Oh but they have a vile salt too, for they always be get their children by day, and then they be squint eyed, for when the Father looks one way, and the mother another, oh see if any body come the while, how can the child look right? What sayest thou by a Civilian Nan. Avoid thou slave, how durst thou woe me? I am Like a star to thee; my Oh b's above thee. But say, who shall know us, when our Faces e not seen? Does my Tyre fit well Nan? Alas thou art a man of mean condition. Oh lass sir, what shall I do with you? Why uorced, why? would, speak. Oh my Lord, shall a smile, a good word, a little kind behaviour, or the title of deer servant, make your Hope's to swell into so great a sea of lust, as presently to ever-flow and drown the honour of your Miss ris? Oh my Lord no, your judgement much deceives you of my disposition: beside, I sent not for ye, it was your lewd unbridled will, that made you thus come gallop neither: yet by my means I must confess as yet you are unknown, and in some sort I glad your being here, only to make you know, that neither fairest occasions nor greatest perswa zions shall ever make me violate my faith to him I owe my love; No my Lord I know I durst to trust my self against the most of opportunity and strength of all tempati on, and though my husband watch you at the door, yet know within, my conscience watches me though he be blinded with a trick, yet the clear all-light givers eyes do see: therefore good my Lord be gone, you see my hus band is wilful bent, and if he chance to know you, I much doubt your safety.