BENEDICK

Were you in doubt sir that you asked her? I can see yet without spectacles, and I see no such matter: theres her cousin, and she were not possessed with a fury, exceeds her as much in beauty, as the first of May doth the last of December: but I hope you have no intent to turn hus band, have you? Is't come to this? in faith hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion? shall I never see a bachelor of three score again? go to i'faith, and thou wilt needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it, and sighs away Sundays: look, done Pedro is returned to seek you. Like the old tale, my Lord, it is not so, nor it not so: but indeed, God forbid it should be so. And by my two faiths and troths, my Lord, I spoke mine. That I neither feel how she should be loved, nor know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that fire can not melt out of me, I will die in it at the stake. I look for and earthquake too then. I have almost matter enough in me for such and Embassage, and so I commit you. Nay mock not, mock not, the body of your dis course is sometime guarded with fragments, and the guards are but slightly basted on neither, ere you flout old ends any further, examine your conscience and so I leave you. No, you shall pardon me. Not now. Whats he? Not I, believe me. I pray you what is he? Why thats spoken Like and honest Drovier, so they fell bullocks: but did you think the Prince would have sir ved you thus? Oh she misused me passed the endurance of a block: and oak but with one green leaf on it, would have answered her: my very visor began to assume life, and scold with her: she told me, not thinking I had been my self, that I was the Princes jester, that I was duller than a great thaw, huddling jest upon jest, with such impossible conuciance upon me, that I stood Like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at me: she speaks poynyards, and every word stabs: if her breath were as terrible as her terminations, there were no lium king near her, she would infect to the north star: I would not marry her, though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed, she would have made Her cules have turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make the fire too: come, talk not of her, you shall find her the infernal Ate in good apparel, I would to God some scholar would conjure her, for certainly while she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell, as in a sanctuary, and people sin upon pur pose, because they would go thither, so indeed all disquiet, horror, and perturbation follows her. This looks not Like a nuptial. By my sword Beatrice, thou love me. I will swear by it that you love me, and I will make him eat it that says I love not you. With no sauce that can be devised to it, I protest I love thee. What offence sweet Beatrice? And do it with all thy heart. Come bid me do any thing for thee. Would, not for the wide world. Tarry sweet Beatrice. Beatrice. Weel be friends first. Is Claudio thine enemy? Hear me Beatrice. Nay but Beatrice. Beatrice? Tarry good Beatrice, by this hand I love thee. Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero? Enough, I am engagde, I will challenge him, I will kiss your hand, and so I leave you: by this hand, Claudio shall render me a deer account: as you hear of me, so think of me: go comfort your cousin, I must say she is dead, and so fare well. Good day my Lord: In a false quarrel there is no true valour, I came to seek you both. It is in my scabbard, shall I draw it? Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, and you charge it against me, I pray you choose another subject Shall I speak a word in your ear? You are a villain, I jest not, I will make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare: do me right, or I will protest your cowardice: you have killed a sweet Lady, and her death shall fallen heavy on you, let me hear from you. Sir your wit ambles well, it goes easily. Fare you well, boy, you know my mind, I will leave you now to your gossep-like humour, you break jests as brag guards do their blades, which God be thanked hurt not: my Lord, for your many courtisies I thank you, I must disconti nue your company, your brother the bastard is fled from Mes sinam: you have among you, killed a sweet and innocent lady: for my Lord Lack beard, there he and I shall meet, and till then peace be with him. Pray thee sweet mistress Margaret, deserve well at my hands by helping me to the speech of Beatrice. And so am I, being else by faith inforced To call young Claudio to a reckoning for it. Friar, I must entreat your pains, I think. To bind me, or undo me, one of them: Signior Leonato, truth it is good Signior, Your niece regards me with and eye of favour. And I do with and eye of love requite her. Your answer sir is enigmatical, But for my will, my will is, your good will May stand with ours, this day to be conjoined, In the state of honourable marriage, In which (good Friar) I shall desire your help. If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not have his head on her shoulders for all Messina as Like him as she is. What my deer lady Disdain! are you yet living? Then is courtesy a turncoat, but it is certain I am loved of all Ladies, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart, for truly I love none. God keep your Ladyship still in that mind, so some Gentleman or other shall escape a predestinate scratched face. Well, you are a rare parrat teacher. I noted her not, but I looked on her, Do you question me as and honest man should do, for my simple true judgement? or would you have me speak after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex? Why i'faith me thinks she's too low for a High praise, too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise, on lie this commendation I can afford her, that were she other then she is, she were unhandsome, and being no other, but as she is, I do not Like her. Would you buy her that you enquirer after her? Yea, and a case to put it into, but speak you this with a sad brow? or do you play the flouting Jack, to tell us Cupid is a good Hare finder, and Vulcan a rare Carpenter: Come, in what key shall a man take you to go in the song? I would your Grace would constrain me to tell. That a woman conceived me, I thank her: that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks: but that I will have a rechate winded in my forehead, or hang my bugle in and invisible baldric, all women shall pardon me: because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do my self the right to trust none: and the fine is, (for the which I may go the finer,) I will live a bacheller. With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my Lord, not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood with love then I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a Ballad-makers pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel house for the sign of blind Cupid. If I do, hang me in a bottle Like a Cat, and shoot at me, and he that hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder, and called Adam. The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Be Dick bear it, pluck off the bulls horns, and set them in my forehead, and let me be vildly painted, and in such great let ters as they write, here is good horse to hire: let them signi fie under my sign, here you may see Benedicke the married man. Well, I would you did Like me. Which is one? I love you the better, the hearers may cry Amen. When I know the Gentleman, isle tell him what you say. In every good thing. Come, will you go with me? Even to the next willow, about your own business, county: what fashion will you wear the garland of? about your neck, Like and Usurers chain? or under your arm, Like a Lieutenants scarffe? you must wear it one way, for the prince hath God your Hero. Boy. In my chamber window lies a book, bring it hither to me in the orchard. I know that, but I would have thee hence and here a gain. I do much wonder, that one man seeing how much and other man is a fool, when he dedicates his behaviours to love, will after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn, by falling in love, and such a man is Claudio, I have noun when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife, and now had he rather hear the taber and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile a foot, to see a good armour, and now will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new doublet: he was wont to speak plain, and to the purpose (Like and honest man and a soldier) and now is he turned orthography, his words are a very fantastical banquet, joust so many strange dishes: may I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell, I think not: I will not be sworn but love may transform me to and oyster, but isle take my oath on it, till he have made and oy ster of me, he shall never make me such a fool: one woman is fair, yet I am well, and other is wise, yet I am well: and other virtuous, yet I am well: but till all graces be in one woman, one woma ̄ shall not come in my grace: rich she shall be thats certain, wise, or isle none, virtuous, or isle never cheapen her: fair, or isle never look on her, mild, or come not near me, noble, or not I for and angel, of good discourse, and excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God hah the prince and monsieur Love, I will hide me in the arbour. Now divine air, now is his soul ravished, is it not strange that sheeps guts should hale souls out of men's bo die? well a horn for my money when alls done. Sighs no more ladies, sighs no more, Men were deceivers ever, One foot in sea, and one on shore, To one thing constant never, Then sighs not so, but let them go, And be you blithe and bonny, C ng all your sounds of woe, heigh nony nony. Sing no more ditties sing no more, Oh p so and heavy, The fraud of men was ever so, S ce first was leafy, Then S g not so, &c. I should think this a gull, but that the white bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot sure hide himself in such re uerence. Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains. You take pleasure then in the message. Would, against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner: theres a double meaning in that: I took no more pains for those thanks the ̄ you took pains to thank me, thats as much as to say, any pains that I take for you is as easy as thanks: if I do not take pity of her I am a villain, if I do not love her I am a Jew, I will go get her picture, Gallants, I am not as I have been. I have the toothache. Hang it. Well, every one cannot master a grief, but he that has it. The greatest note of it is his melancholy. Yet is this no charm for the toothache, old signior, walk aside with me, I have studied eight or nine wise words to speak to you, which these hobby-horses must not hear. How now! interjections? why then, some be of laughing, as, ah, would, he. Lady, were you her bedfellow last night? Two of them have the very bent of honour, And if their wisdoms be missed in this, The practice of it lives in John the Bastard, Whose spirits toil in frame of villainies. Signior Leonato, let the Friar advise you, And though you know my inwardness and love Is very much unto the prince and Claudio, Yet, by mine honour, I will deal in this, As secretly and justly as your soul Should with your body. Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while? I will not desire that. Surely I do believe your fair consin is wronged. Is there any way to show such friendship? May a man do it? I do love nothing in the world so well as you, is not that strange? In so high a style Margaret, that no man living shall come over it, for in most comely truth thou deservest it. Thy wit is as quick as the greyhouds mouth, it catches. A most manly wit Margaret, it will not hurt a woe man: and so I pray thee call Beatrice, I give thee the buck le. If you use them Margaret, you must put in the pikes with a vice, and they are dangerous weapons for maids. And therefore will come. The God of love that sits above, and knows me, and knows me, how pitiful I de serve. I mean in singing, but in loving, Leander the good swimmer, Troilus the first imploier of panders, and a whole book full of these quondam carpet-mongers, whose names yet run smoothly in the even road of a blank verse, why they were never so truly turned over and over as my poor self in love: marry I cannot show it in rhyme, I have tried, I can find out no rhyme to Lady but baby, and innocent rhyme: for scorn, horn, a hard rhyme: for school fool, a babbling rhyme: very omi nous endings, no, I was not born under a rhyming planet, nor I cannot woo in festival terms: sweet Beatrice wouldst thou come when I called thee? Oh stay but till then. Only foul words, and thereupon I will kiss thee. Thou hast frighted the word out of his right sense, so forcible is thy wit, but I must tell thee plainly, Claudio under goes my challenge, and either I must shortly hear from him, or I will subscribe him a coward, and I pray thee now tell me, for which of my bade parts didst thou first fall in love with me? Suffer love! a good epithet, I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will. Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably. And old, and old instance Beatrice, that lived in the time of good neighbours, if a man do not erect in this age his own tomb ere he die, he shall live no longer in monument, then the bell rings, and the widow weeps. Question, why and hour in clamour and a quarter in rhewme, therefore is it most expedient for the wise, if Done worm (his conscience) find no impediment to the contrary, to be the trumpet of his own virtues, as I am to my self so much for praising my self, who I my self will bear witness is praise worthy, and now tell me, how does your cousin? And how do you? Serve God, love me, and mend, there will I leave you too, for here comes one in haste. I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes: and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle's. Bull Jove sir had and amiable low, And some such strange bull leapt your father's cow, And God a calf in that same noble feat, Much Like to you, for you have joust his bleat. Do not you love me? Why then your uncle, and the prince, and Claudio, Have been deceived, they swore you did. Troth no, no more then reason. They swore that you were almost sick for me. 'Tis no such matter, then you do not love me. A miracle, heres our own hands against our hearts: come, I will have thee, but by this light I take thee for pity. I'll tell thee what prince: a college of witte-crackers cannot flout me out of my humour, dost thou think I care for a Satire or and Epigram? no, if a man will be beaten with brains, a shall wear nothing handsome about him: in brief, since I do purpose to marry, I will think nothing to any pur pose that the world can say against it, and therefore never flout at me, for what I have said against it: for man is a giddy thing, and this is my conclusion: for thy partly Claudio, I did think to have beaten thee but in that thou art Like to be my kinsman, live unbruised, and love my cousin. Come, come, we are friends, lets have a dance ere we are married, that we may lighten our own hearts, and our wives heals. First, of my word, therefore play music, Prince, thou art sad, get thee a wife, get thee a wife, there is no staff more reverent then one tipped with horn. Think not on him till to morrow, isle devise thee brave punishments for him: strike up Pipers. I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer, but keep your way a Gods name, I have done. You hear, Count Claudio, I can be secret as a dumb man, I would have you think so (but on my allegiance, mark you this, on my allegiance) he is in love, with who? now that is your Graces partly: mark how short his answer is, with Hero Leonatoes short daughter. And been a dog that should have howled thus, they w u have hanged him, and I pray God his bade voice oh m scheefe, I had as live have herd the night-raven, come wh plague could have come after it. Sir, sir, be patient, for my partly I am so attired in wone der, I know not what to say. Soft and fair Friar, which is Beatrice? Count Claudio. Ho now you strike Like the blindman, it the boy that stole your meat, and yowl beat the post. Alas poor hurt foul, now will he creep into sedges: but that my Lady Beatrice should know me, and not know me: the princes fool! hah, it may be I go under that title because I am merry: yea but so I am apt to do my self wrong: I am not so reputed, it is the base (though bitter) dispo sition of Beatrice, that puts the world into her person, and so gives me out: well, isle be revenged as I may. Troth my lord, I have played the partly of Lady Fame, I found him here as melancholy as a Lodge in a War ren, I told him, and I think I told him true, that your grace had God the goodwill of this young Lady and I offered him my company to a willow tree, either to make him a garland, as be king forsaken, or to bind him up a rod, as being worthy to be whipped. The flat transgression of a Schoolboy, who being overjoyed with finding a birds nest, shows it his come panion, and he steals it. Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made, & the garland too, for the garland he might have worn himself, and the rod he might have bestowed on you, who (as I take it) have stolen his birds nest. If their singing answer your saying, by my faith you say honestly. Will your grace command me any service to the world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now to the And typodes that you can devise to send me on: I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from the furthest inch of Asia: bring you the length of Prester Johns foot: fetch you a hair off the great Chams beard: do you any embassage to the Pigmies, rather than hold three words conference, with this harpy, you have no employment for me? Oh God sir, heeres a dish I love not, I cannot in dure my Lady Tongue. This can be no trick, the conference was S dly born they have the truth of this from Hero, they seem to pity the Lady: it seems her affections have their full bent: love me? why it must be requited: I hear how I am censurde, they say I will bear my self proudly, if I perceive the love come from her: they say too that she will rather die than give any sign of affection: I did never think to marry, I must not seem proud, happy are they that hear their detractions, and can put them to mending: they say the Lady is fair, us a truth, I can bear them witness: and virtuous, us so, I can not reprove it, and wise, but for loving me, by my troth it is no addition to her wit, nor no great argument of her folly, for I will be horribly in love with her, I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but does not the appe tite altar? a man loves the meat in his youth, that he cannot in dure in his age. Shall quips and sentences, and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married, here comes Beatrice: by this day, she's a fair lady, I do spy some marks of love in her. How does the Lady? Is't possible? sits the wind in that corner?