BEATRICE

I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no? Yea my lord I thank it, poor fool it keeps on the windy side of Care, my cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart No my lord, unless I might have another for work ing-daies, your grace is too costly to wear every day: but I beseech your grace pardon me, I was born to speak all mirth, and no matter. No sure my lord, my mother cried, but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born, cousins God give you joy. Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to din ner. He set up his bills here in Messina, and challenge Cupid at the Flight, and my uncle's fool reading the challenge subscribde for Cupid, and challenge him at the Burbolt: I pray you, how many hath he killed and eaten in these wars? but how many hath he killed? for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing. Is it possible Disdain should die, while she hath such meet food to feed it, as signior Benedicke? Courtesy it self must convert to Disdain, if you come in her presence. You had musty vittaile, and he hath help to eat it, he is a very valiant trencher man, he hath and excellent sto macke. And a good soldier to a Lady, but what is he to a Lord? It is so indeed, he is no less then a stuffed man, but for the stuffing well, we are all mortal. Alas he gets nothing by that, in our last conflict, 4 of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one, so that if he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between himself and his horse, for it is all the wealth that he hath left, to be known a reasona ble creature, who is his companion now? he hath every month a new sworn brother. Very easily possible, he wears his faith but as the fa shion of his hat, it ever changes with the next block. No, and he were, I would burn my study but I pray you who is his companion? is there no young squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil? Oh Lord, he will hang upon him Like a disease, he is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs present lie mad, God help the noble Claudio, if he have caught the Benedict, it will cost him a thousand pound e e a be cured. Do good friend. No, not till a hight January. I wonder that you will still be talking, signior Be Dick, no body marks you. A deer happiness to women, they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor, I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that, I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow, than a man swear he loves me. Scratching could not make it worse, and it such a face as yours were. A bird of my tongue, is better than a beast of yours. You always end with a jades trick, I know you of old. Will you not tell me who told you so? Nor will you not tell me who you are? That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit out of the hundred merry tales: well, this was signior Benedick that said so. I am sure you know him well enough. Did he never make you laugh? Why he is the princes jester, a very dul fool only his gift is, in devising impossible slanders, none but Libertines delight in him, and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villainy, for he both pleases men and anger's them, and then they laugh at him, and beat him: I am sure he is in the Fleet, I would he had boarded me. Do, do, heel but break a comparison or two on me, which peradue ̄ ture, (not marked, or not laughed at) strikes him in to melancholy and then theres a partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no supper that night: we must follow the lea dears. Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at the next turning. Speak cousin, or (if you cannot) stop his mouth with a kiss, and let not him speak neither. Good Lord for alliance: thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am sunburnt, I may fit in a corner and cry, heigh ho for a husband. I would rather have one of your father's getting: hath your grace ne re a brother Like you? your father God excellent husbands if a maid could come by them. I took no more pains for those thanks, then you take pains to thank me, if it had been painful I would not have come. Yea joust so much as you may take upon a knives point, and choke a daw withal: you have no stomach signior, fare you well. What fire is in mine ears? can this be true? Stand I condemned for pride and scorn so much? Contempt, farewell, and maiden pride, adieu, No glory lives behind the back of such. And Benedicke, love on I will requite thee, Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand: If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee To bind our loves up in a holy band. For others say thou dost deserve, and I Believe it better then reportingly. Good morrow sweet Hero. I am out of all other tune, me thinks. You Light alone with your heels, then if your husband have stables enough yowl see he shall lack no barns. 'Tis almost five a clock cousin, 'tis time you were rea die, by my troth I am exceeding ill, heigh ho. For the letter that begins them all, H. What means the fool trow? I am stuffed cousin, I cannot smell. Oh God help me, God help me, how long have you professed apprehension? It is not seen enough, you should wear it in your cap, by my troth I am sick. Benedictus, why benedictus? you have some moral in this benedictus. What pace is this that thy tongue keeps? Oh on my soul my cousin is belied. No truly, not although until last night, I have this twelvemonth been her bedfellow. Yea and I will weep a while longer. You have no reason, I do it freely. Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that would right her! A very even way, but no such friend. It is a men office, but not yours. As strange as the thing I know not, it were as possi ble for me to say, I loved nothing so well as you, but believe me not and yet I lie not, I confess nothing, nor I deny nothing I am sorry for my cousin. Do not swear and eat it. Will you not eat your word? Why then God forgive me. You have stayed me in a happy hour, I was about to protest I loved you. I love you with so much of my heart, that none is left to protest. Kill Claudio. You kill me to deny it, farewell. I am gone, though I am here, there is no love in you, nay I pray you let me go. In faith I will go. You dare easier be friends with me, than fight with mine enemy. Is a not approved in the height a villain, that hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? Oh that I were a man! what, bear her in hand: until they come to take hands and then with public accusation uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour? Oh God that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the market place. Talk with a man out at a window, a proper saying. Sweet Hero, she is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone. Princes and Counties! surely a princely testimony, a goodly Count, Count Comfect, a sweet Gallant surely, Oh that I were a man for his sake! or that I had any friend would be a man for my sake! But manhood is melted into curtsies, valour into compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and trim ones too: he is now as valiant as Hercules, that only tells a lie, and swears it: I cannot be a man with wishing, there before I will die a woman with grieving. Yea signior, and depart when you bid me. Then, is spoken: fare you well now, and yet ere I go, let me go with that I came, which is, with knowing what hath passed between you and Claudio. Foul words is but foul wind, and foul wind is but foul breath, and foul breath is wholesome, therefore I will depart unkissed. For them all together, which maintained so politic a state of evil, that they will not admit any good partly to inter mingle with them: but for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me? In spite of your heart I think, alas poor heart, if you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for yours, for I will ne ver love that which my friend hates. It appears not in this confession, theres not one wise man among twenty that will praise himself. And how long is that think you? Very ill. Very ill too. Will you go hear this news signior? I answer to that name, what is your will? Why no, no more then reason. Do not you love me? Why then my cousin Margaret and Ursula Are much deceived, for they did swear you did. They swore that you were wellnigh dead for me. No truly, but in friendly recompense. I would not deny you, but by this good day, I yield upon great persuasion, and partly to save your life, for I was told, you were in a consumption. How tartely that gentleman looks, I never can see him but I am heart-burned and hour after. He were and excellent man that were made joust in the midway between him and Benedick, the one is too Like and image and says nothing, and the other too Like my ladies eldest son, evermore tattling. With a good leg and a good foot uncle, and money enough in his purse, such a man would win any woe man in the world if a could get her good will. Too cursed is more then cursed, I shall lessen Gods sending that way, for it is said, God sends a cursed cow short horns, but to a cow too cursed, he sends none. Just, if he send me no husband, for the which bles sing, I am at him upon my knees every morning and evening: Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face, I had rather lie in the woollen! What should I do with him, dress him in my ap parell and make him my waiting gentle woman? he that hath a beard, is more then a youth: and he that hath no beard, is less then a man: and he that is more then a youth, is not for me, and he that is less then a man, I am not for him, therefore I will even take sixpence in earnest of the Berrord, and lead his apes into hell. No but to the gate, and there will the devil meet me Like and old cuckold with horns on his head, and say, get you to heaven Beatrice, get you to heaven, heeres no place for you maids, so deliver I up my apes and away to saint Peter: for the heavens, he shows me where the Bachelors fit, and there live we as merry as the day is long. Yes faith, it is my cosens duty to make curtsy and say, father, as it please you: but yet for all that cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make and other curtsy, and say, father, as it please me. Not till God make men of some other metal then earth, would it not grieve a woman to be ouer-masterd with a piece of valiant dust? to make and account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? no uncle, isle none: Adam's sons are my brothers, and truly I hold it a sin to match in my kin read. The fault will be in the music cousin, if you be not wooed in good time: if the prince be too important, tell him there is measure in every thing, and so dance out the and swer, for here me Hero, wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch ijgge, a measure, and a cinquepace: the first suit is hight and hasty Like a Scotch ijgge (and full as fantastical) the wedding mannerly modest (as a measure) full of state and An chentry, and then comes Repentance, and with his bade legs falls into the cinquepace faster and faster, till he sink into his graven. I have a good eye uncle, I can see a church by daylight. Indeed my Lord, he lent it me awhile, and I gave him use for it, a double heart for his single one, marry once be before he won it of me, with false dice, therefore your grace may well say I have lost it. So I would not he should do me, my Lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools: I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek. The Count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well: but civil Count, civil as and orange, and something of that jealous complexion. Speak Count, 'tis your Queen. Why how now cousin, wherefore sink you down? Dead I think, help uncle, Hero, why Hero, uncle, signior Benedicke, Friar. How now cousin Hero? Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it. Yea, as sure as I have a thought, or a soul. I cry you mercy uncle, by your graces pardon.