FALSTAFF

What? a young knave and begging? is there not wars? is there not employment? does not the King lack subjects? do not the rebels needs soldiers, though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg then to be on the worst side, were it worse then the name of Rebellion can tell how to make it. My good Lord, God give your lordship good time of day, I am glad to see your lordship abroad, I herd say your lordship was sick, I hope your lordship goes abroad by and vise, your lordship, though not clean passed your youth, have yet some smack of and aguein you, some relish of the saltness of time in you, and I most humbly beseech your lordship to have a re verend care of your health. And I hear moreover, his highness is fallen into this same horson a poplexi. This appoplexi as I take it? is a kind of lethargy, an't please your lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a horson tingling. It hath it original from much grief from study and perturbation of the brain, I have read the cause of his effects in Galen, it is a kind of deafenes. I am as poor as Job my lord, but not so patient, your Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me, in respect of poverty, but how I should be your patient to follow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a scruple or indeed a scruple it self. As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of this land service, I did not come. He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less. I would it were otherwise, I would my means were greater and my waste slender. The young prince hath misled me, I am the fellow with the great belly, and he my dog. My lord. To wake a wolf, is as bade as smell a fox. A wassel candle my lord, all tallow, if I did say of wax, my growth would approve the truth. His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy. Not so my lord, your ill angel is light, but I hope he that looks upon me will take me without weighing, and yet in some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell, virtue is of so little regard in these costar-mongers times, that true valour is turned erod, Pregnancy is made a Tapster, & his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings, all the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of his age shapes the one not worth a goosbery, you that are old consider not the capacities of us that are young, you do measure the heat of our livers with the bit ternesse of your g lles, and we that are in the vanward of our youth, I must confess are wags too. How now, whose mare's dead? whats the matter? Away varlets, draw Bardolf, cut me off the villains head, throw the quean in the channel. Keep them off Bardolf. I think I am as Like to ride the mare if I have any van tage of ground to get up. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? My lord this is a poor made oule, and she says up and down the town, that her eldest son is Like you, she hath been in good case and the truth is poverty hath distracted her, but for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have re dress against them. My Lord I will not undergo this snepe without re ply, you call honourable boldness impudent sauciness, if a man will make curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous, no my Lord my humble duty remembered, I will not be your S er, I say to you I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the Kings affairs. Come hither hostess. As I am a gentleman! As I am a gentleman, come, no more words of it. Glasses glasses is the only drinking, and for thy walls a pretty sleight drollery, or the story of the prodigal, or the Jarman hunting in waterwork, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangers, and these fly bitten tapestry, let it be x. if thou canst: come, and it not for thy humours, theres not a better wench in England, go wash thy face and draw the Actium, come thou must not be in this humour with me, dost not know me, come, come, I know thou wast set on to this. Let it alone, isle make other shift, yowl be a fool still. Will I live? go with her, with her, hook on, hook on. exit hostess and sergeant. No more words, lets have her. Whats the news my lord? I hope my Lord al's well, what is the news my lord? Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord? My lord. So is all her sect, and they be once in a calm they are sick. You make fat rascals mistress Dol. If the cook help to make the gluttony you help to make the diseases Doll, we catch of you Doll, we catch of you grant that my poor virtue, grant that. He's no swaggrer hostess, a tame changed ter ysaith, you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound, heel not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance, call him up Drawer. Hark thee hither mistress Dol. Pistol, I would be quiet. Quaite him down Bardolf Like a shove-groat shil ling, nay, and a do nothing but speak nothing, a shall be no thing here. Give me my rapier, boy. Thou dost give me lattering busses. I am old, I am old. Would? a bastard son of the Kings? and art not thou Poynes his brother? A better then thou, I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer. Thou horson mad compound of majesty, by this light, flesh, and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. Didst thou hear me? No, no, no, not so, I did not think thou wast within hearing. No abuse Hall a mine honour, no abuse. The fiend hath pricked down Bardolf irrecoverable, and his face is Lucife's privy kitchen, where he does nothing but rost malt-worms, for the boy there is a good angel about him, but the devil blinds him too. For one of them she's in hell already, and burns poor souls: for th'other I owe her money, and whither she be damned for that I know not. No I think thou art not, I think thou art quit for that, marry there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl. I am glad to see you well, good master Robert Shall low, master Soccard (as I think.) Good master Scilens, it well befits you should be of the peace. What, dost thou roar before thou art pricked? She lives master Shallow. I know not, here he is, and here I yield him, and I beseech your grace let it be bookte with the rest of this days deeds, or by the Lord, I will have it in a particular ballad else, with mine own picture on the top on't, (Coleuile kissing my foot) to the which course, if I be inforced, if you do not all show Like gilded two pences to me, and I in the clear sky of Fame, overshine you as much as the full moon does the cin dars of the element, (which show Like pins heads to her) be leave not the word of the noble: therefore let me have right, and let Desert mount. Let it shine then. Let it do some thing, my good lord, that may do me good, and call it what you will. And a famous true subject took him. My Lord, I beseech you give me leave to go through Glostershire, and when you come to court, stand my good lord in your good report. You must excuse me master Robert Shallow. I'll follow you good master Robert Shallow: Bar dolf, look to our horses: if I were sawed into quantities, I should make four dozen of such bearded hermits staves as master Shallow: it is a wonderful thing to see the semblable coherence of his men's spirits, and his, they, by observing him, do bear themselves Like foolish Justices: he, by conversing with them, is turned into a lustice-like servingman, their spirits are so married in conjunction, with the participation of society, that they flock together in consent, Like so many wildgeese. If I had a suit to master Shallow, I would humour his men with the imputation, of being near their master: if to his men, I would curry with master Shallow, that no man could better command his servants. It is certain, that either wise bearing, or ignorant carriage is caught, as men take diseases one of another: therefore let men take heed of their company. I will devise matter enough out of this Shallow, to keep prince Harry in continual laughter, the wearing out of six fashions, which is four terms, or two actions, and a shall laugh without intervallums. Oh it is much that a lie, with a slight oath, and a jest, with a sad brow, will do with a fellow that never had the ach in his shoulders: Oh you shall see him laugh till his face be Like a wet cloak ill laid up. I come master Shallow. I come master Shallow. Before God you have here goodly dwelling, and rich. I did not think master Scilens had been a man of this mettle. Well said master Scilens. Why now you have done me right. 'Tis so. From the Court? let him come in, how now Pistol? What wind blue you hither Pistol? What is the old King dead? Carry master Scilens to bed: master Shallow, my lord Shallow, be what thou wilt, I am Fortune's steward, get on thy boots, weel ride all night: o sweet Pistol, away Bardolf, come Pistol, utter more to me, and withal, devise something to do thy self good, boot, boot master Shallow, I know the young King is sick for me: let us take any men horses, the laws of England are at my commandment, blessed are they that have been my friends, and woe to my Lord chief Justice. Stand here by me master Shallow, I will make the King do you grace, I will leere upon him as a comes by, and do but mark the countenance that he will give me. Come here Pistol, stand behind me. Oh if I had had time to have made new liveries: I would have bestowed the thousand pound I borrowed of you, but 'tis no matter, this poor show does better, this does infer the zeal I had to see him. It shows my earnestness of affection. My devotion. I will deliver her. God save thy grace King Hall, my royal Hall. God save thee, my sweet boy. My King my Jove, I speak to thee, my heart. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner? Will you sup with me master Gower? Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me: this is the right fencing grace, my Lord, tap for tap, and so partly fair. Dost thou hear hostess? Dost thou hear? it is mine Ancient. Welcome ancient Pistol, here Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack, do you discharge upon mine hostess. she is Pistol proof: sir, you shall not hardly offend her. Get you down stairs. Have you turned him out a doors? A rascal to brave me? Ah rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. Let them play, play sirs, fit on my knee Doll, a rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me Like quicksilver. A good shallow young fellow, a would have made a good pantler, a would a chipt bred well. He a good wit hang him baboon, his wit's as thick as Tewksbury mustard, theres no more conceit in him then is in a mallet. Because their legs are both of a bigness and a plays at quoits well, and eats cunger and fennel, and drinks off candles ends for slap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth Like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds no bore with tell ling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties a has that show a weak mind, and and able body for the which the prince admits him: for the prince himself is such another, the weight of a hair will turn scales between their haber de poiz. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money a thursday, shalt have a cap to morrow: a merry song come it grows late, weel to bed, thou to forget me when I am gone. Some sack Francis. No abuse Hall. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against. Now coms in the sweetest morsel of the night, & we must hence and leave it unpicked: more knocking at the door, how now, whats the matter? Pay the musicians sirrah, farewell hostess, farewell Dol, you see my good wenches how men of merrite are sought of ter, the undeserver may sleep, when the man of Actium is called on, farewell good wenches, if I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go. Farewell, farewell. Fie this is hight weather gentlemen, have you provided me here half a dozen sufficient men? Let me see them I beseech you. Is thy name Mouldy? 'Tis the more time thou Wertenberg used. Go to, peace Mouldy, you shall go, Mouldy it is time you were spent. Yea marry, let me have him to fit under, he's Like to be a cold soldier. Shadow, whose son art thou? Thy mother's son Like enough, and thy father's sha dow, so the son of the female is the shadow of the male: it is often so indeed, but much of the father's substance. Shadow will serve for summer, prick him, for we have a number of shadows fill up the muster book. Where he? Is thy name Wart? Thou art a very ragged wart. It were superfluous, for apparel is built upon his back, and the whole frame stands upon pins p icke him no more. Well said good woman's tailer, well said courageous Feeble, thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove, or most magnanimous mouse, prick the woman's tailer: well M. Shall low, deep M. Shallow. I would thou Wertenberg a men tailer, that thou mightest mend him and make him fit to go, I cannot put him to a pri vate soldier, that is the leader of so many thousands, let that suffice most forcible Feeble. I am bound to thee reverend Feeble, who is next? Yea marry, lets see Bul-calfe. What disease hast thou? Come, thou shalt go to the wars in a gown, we will have away thy cold, and I will take such order that thy friends shall ring for thee. Is here all? No more of that master Shallow. Old old master Shallow. Come sir, which men shall I have? Go to, well. Do you choose for me. Mouldy and Bulcalfe, for you Mouldy stay at home, till you are passed service: and for your partly Bulcalfe, grow till you come unto it, I will none of you. Will you tell me (master Shallow) how to choose a man? care I for the limb, the thews, the stature, bulk and big as semblance of a man: give me the spirit M. Shallow: heres Wart, you see what a ragged appearance it is, a shall charge you, and discharge you with the motion of a pewterers hammer, come off and on swifter then he that gibbets on the brewers bucket: and this same half faced fellow Shadow, give me this man, he presents no mark to the enemy, the fo-man may with as great aim level at the edge of a penknife, and for a retreat how swiftly will this Feeble the woman's Tailer run off? Oh give me the spare men, and spare me the great ones, put me a caliver into Warts hand Bardolf. Come manage me your caliver: so, very well, go to, very good, exceeding good, Oh give me always a little lean, old chopped Ballde, shot: well said i'faith Wart, th'art a good scab, hold, theres a tester for thee. These fellows wool do well M. Shallow, God keep you M. Scilens, I will not use many words with you, fare you well gentlemen both, I thank you, I must a dosen mile to night: Bardolf, give the soldiers coats. Before God would you would. Fare you well gentle gentlemen. exit whats your name sir, of what condition are you, and of what place? well then, Colleuile is your name, a Knight is your de gree, and your place the dale: Coleuile shall be still your name, a traitor your degree, & the dungeon your place, a place deep enough, so shall you be still Colleuile of the Dale. As good a man as he sir, who ere I am: do you yield sir, or shall I sweat for you? if I do sweat, they are the drops of thy lovers, and they weep for thy death, therefore rouse up fear and trembling, and do observance to my mercy. I have a whole school of tongue's in this belly of mine, and not a tongue of them all speaks any other word but my name and I had but a belly of any indifferency, I were simply the most active fellow in Europe: my womb, my womb, my womb undoes me, here comes our General. I would be sorry my lord, but it should be thus: I never knew yet but Rebuke and Check, was the reward of Valour: do you think me a swallow, and arrow, or a bullet? have I in my poor and old motion the expedition of thought? I have sped hither with the very extremest inch of possibi lity, I have foundered ninescore and odd posts, and here travel tainted as I am, have in my pure and immaculate valour, ta ken sir John Colleuile of the Dale, a f rious Knight and valorous enemy,: but what of that and yielded, that I may justly say with the ho there cousin, I came, saw, and overcame. I know not how they sold themselves, but thou Like a kind fellow gavest thy self away gratis, and I thank thee for thee. enter Westmoreland. I would you had the wit it better than your duke dome, good says this same young sober blooded oy does not love me, nor a ma ̄ Can ̄ not make him laugh, but thats no marvel, he drinks no wine, theres never none of these demure boys come to any proof for drink does so ever-cool their blood, and making many , that they fallen into a kind of male green sickness, and then when they marry they give wenches, they are generally fools and cowards, which some of us should be too but for inflammation a good acke hath a two fold operation in it, it ascends me into the brain, dries me there all the foolish, and dull and rudy vapours which environ it, makes it appreh nsiue quick, forg full of nimble, fiery, and delectable shapes which delivered over to the voice, the tongue, which is the birth; becomes excellent wit. The second property of your excellent sher S is the war ming of the blood which before (cold & settled) le to the liver white & pale, which is the badge of pu ilanimitie and cowar dize: but the sherris warms it, and makes it course from the inward to the parts extremes, it illumines the face, which as a beakon, gives warning to all the rest of this little kingdom man to anne, and then the vital commoners, and inland petty spirits, muster me all to their captain, the heart: who great and puffed up with this retinue, does any deed of courage: and this valour comes of sherris, so that skill in the weapon is nothing without sack (for that sets it awork) and learning a mere whoord of gold kept by a devil, till sack commences it, and sets it in act and use. Hereof comes it, that Prince Harry is valiant, for the cold blood he did naturally inherit of his fa there, he hath Like lean steri e, and bore land, manured, hus banded and tilled, with excellent endeavour of drinking good and good store of fertile sherris, that he is become very hight and valiant. If I had a thousand sons, the first humane prin ciple I would teach them, should be, to forswear thinpotati ons, and to addict themselves to sack. How now Bardolf? Let them go, isle through Glostershire, and there will I visit M. Robert Shallow Esquire I have him already tem pring between my finger and my thumb, and shortly will I seal with him come away. This Davy serves you for good uses, he is your sir uing-man, and your husband. Away Bardolf, saddle my horse, M. Robert Shallow, choose what office thou wilt in the land, 'tis thine: Pistol, I will double charge thee with dignities. As it were to ride day & night, and not to deliberate, not to remember, not to have patience to shift me. My lord, my lord. Your brooches, pearls, & ouches for to serve bravely, is to come halting off, you know to come off the breach, with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged chambers bravely. Come, I will go drink with you, but I Can ̄ not tarry dinner: I am glad to see you, by my troth master Shallow. Never never, she would always say, she could not abide master Shallow. Peace good Doll, do not speak Like a death's head, do not bid me remember mine end. We have herd the chimes at midnight M. Shallow. Kiss me Doll, No abuse Ned i'th world, honest Ned, none, I dis praised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fallen in love with thee: in which doing, I have done the partly of a careful f iend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it, no abuse Hall, none Ned, none, no faith boys none. Health and long life to you master Scilens. You may, but if he had been a men tailer hee'd a pricked you: wilt thou make as many holes in and enemies battle, as thou hast done in a woman's peticoate. Let him be damned Like the glutton, pray God his tongue be hotter, a whoreson A chitophella rascal: yea forsooth knave, to bear a gentle man in hand, and then stand upon see curity, the horson smoothy-pates do now wear nothing but High shoes and bunches of keys at their girdles, and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then they must stand upon security, I had as live they would put ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with security, I looked a should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin (as I am a true knight,) and he sends me security: well he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it: where Bardolf, & yet can not he see though he have his own lanthorn to light him. I bought him in Pauls, and heel buy me a horse in Smithfield, and I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were man worser, horsed, and wiu worser. Wait close, I will not see him. Andt please your lordship, I hear his majesty is re turned with some discomfort from Wales. When Arthur first in court empty the jourdan and was a worthy King: how now mistress Doll? No more Pistol, I would not have you go off here, discharge your self of our company, Pistol. Theres a merry heart, good M. Silens isle give you a health for that anon. Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water? Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me: the brain of this foolish compou ̄ dead clay-man is not able to invent any thing that intends to laughter, more then I invent, or is inue ̄ ted on me, I am not only witty in my self, but the cause that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee, Like a sow that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one, if the prince put thee into my service for any other reason then to set me off, why then I have no judgement thou whoreson mandrake, thou art sitter to be worn in my cap, then to wait at my heels I was never man ned with and agot till now, but I will inset you, neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master for a jewel, the venal the prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge, I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand, then he shall get one off his cheek, & yet he will not stick to say his face is a face royal, God may fi nish it when he will, 'tis not a hair amiss yet, he may keep it still at a face royal, for a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet heel be crowing as if he had written man ever since his father was a bachelor, he may keep his own grace, but he's almost out of mine I can assure him: what said master Dommelton about the satin for my short cloak and my sloppes? Boy, tell him I am deaf. Why sir, did I say you were and honest man, setting my knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat if I had said so. I give thee leave to tell me, so I lay aside that which grows to me, if thou gettest any leave of me, hang me, if thou takest leave, thou Wertenberg better be hanged, you hunt cou ̄ ter, hence, avant. My Lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a white head, and something a round bel lie, for my voice, I have lost it with hallowing, and singing of Anthems: to approve my youth further, I will not: the truth is, I am only old in judgement and understanding: and he that will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him for the box of the e re that the Prince gave you, he gave it Like a rude Prince, and you took it Like a sensible Lord: I have checked him for it, and the young lion repents, marry not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk, and old sack. God send the companion a better prince, I cannot rid my hands of him. Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it: but look you pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at home, that our armies join not in a hight day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily: if it be a hight day, & I brandish any thing but a bottle. I would I might never spit white again: there is not a dangerous Actium can peep out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever, but it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say I am and old man you should give me rest: I would to God my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is, I were better to be eaten do death with a rust, than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion. Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to fur nish me forth? If I do, fillip me with a three man beetle: A man can no more separate age and covetousness, than a can partly young limbs and lechery, but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses, boy. What money is in my purse? I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse, borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the dis ease is incurable: Go bear this letter to my lord of Lancaster, this to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland, and this to old mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair of my chin: about it, you know where to find me: a pox of this gout, or a gout of this pox, for the one or the other plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis no matter if I do halt, I have the wars for my colour, and my pension shall seem the more reasonable: a good wit will make use of any thing; I will turn diseases to common ditie. Exeunt. I pray thee now deliver them Like a man of this world. Oh base Assyrian Knight! what is thy news? let King Covetua know the truth thereof. Master Shallow I owe you a thousand pound. That can hardly be, master Shallow: do not you grieve at this, I shall be sent for in private to him, look you, he must seem thus to the world: fear not your advancements, I will be the man yet that shall make you great. Sir I will be as good as my word, this that you herd was but a colour. Fear no colours, go with me to dinner: Come lieutenant Pistol, come Bardolf. Enter Justice and prince John I shall be sent for soon at night. Very well my lord, very well, rather an't please you it is the disease of not listening the malady of not marking that I am troubled withal. Before God a likely fellow, come prick Bul-calfe till he roar again. On Bardolf, lead the men away, as I return I will fetch off these justices, I do see the bottom of justice Shallow, Lord, Lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying, this same starved justice hath done nothing but prate to me, of the wildness of his youth, and the feats he hath done a bout Turn-bull street, and every third word a lie, dewer paid to the hear r then the Turks tribute, I do remember him at Clements Inn, Like a man made after supper of a cheese pa ring, when a was naked, he was for all the world Like a forked reddi h with a head fantastically carved upon it with a knife, a was so forlorn, that his dimensions to any thick sighed were invincible, a was the very genius of famine, yet lecherous as a monkey, & the whores called him mandrake, a came over in the rearward of the fashion, and sung those tunes to the over schutcht huswives, that he herd the Carmen whistle, and sware they were his fancies or his good-nights, and now is this vices dagger become a squire, and talks as familiarly of John a Gaunt, as if he had been sworn brother to him, and isle be sworn a never saw him but once in the tylt-yard, and then he burst his head for crowding among the Marshals men, I saw it and told John a Gaunt he beat his own name, for you might have thrust him and all his apparel into and eele-skin, the case of a Triple hoboy was a mansion for him a Court, and now has he land and beefs. Well isle be acquainted with him if I return, and shall go hard, but isle make him a philosophers two stones to me, if the young Dase be a bait for the old Pik , I see no reason in the law of nature but I may snap at him, till Time shape, and there and end.