FALSTAFF

Now Hall, what time of day is it lad? Indeed you come near me now Hall, for we that take purses go by the moon and the seven stars, and not by Phœbus, he, that wandering knight so fair: and I prethe sweet wag when thou art a king as God save thy grace: majesty I should say, for grace thou wilt have none. No by my troth, not so much as will serve to be pro logue to and egg and butter. Marry then sweet wag, when thou art king let not us that are squires of the nights body, be called thieves of the days beauty: let us be Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon, and let men say we be men of good government, being governed as the sea is, by our noble and chased mistress the moon, under whose countenance we steal. By the Lord thou sayest true lad, and is not my hostess of the tavern a most sweet wench? How now, how now mad wag, what in thy quips and thy quiddities? what a plague have I to do with a buff Jerkin? Well, thou hast called her to a reckoning many a time and oft. No, isle give thee thy endue, thou hast paid all there. Yea, and so used it that were it not here apparent that thou art heir apparent. But I prethe sweet wag, shall there be gallows standing in England when thou art king? and reso lution thus subd as it is with the rusty curb of old father And tick the law, do not thou when thou art king hang a thief. Shall I? Oh rare! by the Lord isle be a brave judge. Well Hall well, and in some sort it jumps with my humour, as well as weighting in the Court I can tell you. Yea, for obtaining of suits, whereof the hangman hath no lean wardrobe. Zbloud I am as melancholy as a gyb Cat, or a lugd bear. Yea, or the drone of a Lincolnshire bagpipe. Thou hast the most unsavoury smiles, and art indeed the most comparative rascalliest swee young Prince. But Hall, I prethe trouble me no more with vanity, I would to God thou and I knew where a commodity of good names were to be bought: and old Lord of the council rated me the oh there day in the street about you sir, but I marked him not, and yet he talked very wisely, but I regarded him not, and yet he talked with ely and in the street to. Oh thou hast damnable iteration, and art indeed able to corrupt a saint: thou hast done much harm upon me Hall, God forgive thee for it: before I knew thee Hall I knew no thing, and now am I, if a man should speak truly, little better then one of the wicked: I must give over this life, and I will give it over: by the Lord and I do not, I am a villain, isle be damned for never a kings son in Christendom. Zounds where thou wilt lad, isle make one, and I do not call me villain and baff ll me. Hear you Edward, if I tarry at home and go not, isle hang you for going. Hall wilt thou make one? Theres neither honesty, manhood, nor good fellowship in thee, nor thou camest not of the blood royal, if thou darest not stand for ten shillings. Why thats well said. By the lord, isle be a traitor then, when thou art king. Well God give thee the spirit of persuasion, and him the ears of profiting, that what thou speakest, may move, and wh to he hears, may be believed, that the true prince may for recreation sake) prove a false thief, for the poor abuses of the time want countenance: farewell you shall find me in Eastcheap Poynes, Poynes and be hanged Poynes. Where Poynes Hall? I am accursed to rob in that thieves company the rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know not where, if I travel but four foot by the squire further a foot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I escape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly any time this xxii. years, and yet I am be witched with the rogues company. If the rascal have not gi ven me medicines to make me love him, isle be hanged. It could not be else, I have drunk medicines, Poynes, Hall, a plague upon you both. Bardoll, Peto, isle starve ere isle rob a foot further, and it not as good a deed as drink to turn trueman, and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth: eight yards of uneven ground is three score and ten miles a foot with me, and the stony hearted villains know it well enough, a plague upon it when thieves can not be true one to another: They whistle, Whew, a plague upon you all, give me my horse you rogues, give me my horse and be hanged: Have you any leavers to lift me up again being down, zbloud isle not bear mine own flesh so far a foot again for all the coin in thy father's Exchequer: What a plague mean you to colt me thus? I preethe good prince, Hall, help me to my horse, good kings son. Hang thy self in thine own heir apparent garters, if I be taken, isle peach for this: and I have not Ballads made on you all, and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison, when a jest is so forward and a foot too I hate it. So I do against my will. To be hanged. Strike, down with them, cut the villains throats, a whoreson Caterpillars, bacon-sed knaves, they hate us youth, down with them, fleece them. A plague of all cowards I say, and a vengeance too, mar ry and Amen: give me a cup of sack boy. Ear Head this life long isle sow neatherstocks and mend them, and foot them too. A plague of all cowards. Give me a cup of sache rogue, is there no virtue extant? he drinketh. You rogue, heeres lime in this sack too: there is no thing but rogery to be found in villainous man, yet a coward is worse then a cup of sack with lime in it. A villainous coward. Go thy ways old Jack, die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood be not forgotten upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring: there lives not three good men unhanged in England, and one of them is fat, and grows old, God help the while, a bade world I say, I would I were a weaver. I could sing psalms or any thing. A plague of all cowards I say still. A kings son, if I do not Beatrice thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and driven all thy subjects afore thee Like a flock of wild geese, isle never wear hair on my face more, you prince of Wales. Are not you a coward? answer me to that, and Poines there. I call thee coward, le see thee damnde ere I call thee coward, but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back: call you that backing of your friends, a plague upon such backing, give me them that will face me give me a cup of sack. I am a rogue if I drunk to day. All is one for that. He drinketh. A plague of all cowards still say I. Whats the matter, there be four of us here have taken a thousand pound this day morning I am a rogue if I were not at half sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have escaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose, my buckler cut through and through, my sword hacked Like a handsaw, ecce signum. I never dealt better since I was a man all would not do. A plague of all cowards, let them speak, if they speak more or less then truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness. Sixteen at least my Lord. You rogue they were bound every man of them, or I am a Jew else: and Hebrew Jew. And unbound the rest, and then come in the other. All, I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of them I am a bunch of radish: if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two legd Creature. Nay, thats passed praying for, I have pepperd two of them. Two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckrom suits: I tell thee what Hall, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face; call me horse, thou knowest my old ward: here I lay, and thus I boar my point, four rogues in B ckrom let driven at me. Four Hall, I told thee four. In Buckrom. Seven by these hilts, or I am a villain else. Dost thou hear me Hall? Do so for it is worth the listening to, these nine in Buck rome that I told thee of. Their points being broken. Began to give me ground: but I followed me close, came in, foot, and hand, and with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid. What art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth the truth? What, upon compulsion: Zounds, and I were at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? if reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I. By the Lord, I knew you as well as he that made you. Why hear you my masters, was it for me to kill the heir apparent? should I turn upon the true prince? why thou knowest I am as valiaut as Hercules: but beware instinct, the lion will not touch the true prince, instinct is a great matter. I was now a coward on instinct, I shall think the better of my self, and thee during my life; I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince: but by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money, Hostess clap to the doors, watch to night, pray to morrow, gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to you. What shall we be merry, shall we have a play ex tempore? A, no more of that Hall and thou love me. Enter hostess What does gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his answer? Owen, Owen, the same, and his son in law Morti mere, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Dow+glas, that runs a horseback up a hill perpendi cular. You have hit it. I grant you upon instinct: well he is thereto, and one Mordacke, and a thousand blue caps more. Worcester is stolen away tonight, thy father's beard is turned white with the news, you may buy land now as cheap as stinking Mackrel. By the mass lad thou sayest true, it is Like we shall have good trading that way: but tell me Hall, art not thou horrible afeard? thou being heir apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again? as that fiend Dow+glas, that spi rit Percy, and that devil Glendower, art thou not horribly afraid? does not thy blood thril at it? Well thou wilt be horrible chid to morrow when thou comest to thy father, if thou love me practice and An swear. Shall I content. This chair shall be my state, this dag her my sceptre, and this cushion my crown. Well, and the fire of grace be not quite out of thee now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of Sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in king Cambyses vain. And here is my speech; stand aside Nobility. Weep not sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain. Peace good pintpot, peace good tickle-brain. Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied. For though the cam momill, the more it is trodden on, the faster it grows: so youth the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears: that thou art my son I have partly thy mother's word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villainous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lies the point, why being son to me, art thou so pointed at? shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a mi cher, and eat blackberries? a question not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and take purses? a question to be asked. There is a thing Harry, which thou hast often herd of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch. This pitch (as ancient writers do report) does defile, so does the come pany thou keepest: for Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink, but in tears; not in pleasure but in passion: not in words only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man, whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name. Our you rogue, play out the play, I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstalffe. Dost thou hear Would ? never call a true piece of gold a counterset, thou art essen ially made without seeming so. I deny your Mayor, if you will deny the Sheriff so, if not, let him enter. If I become not a Cart as well as another man a plague on my bringing up, I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another. Both which I have had, but their date is out, and there before isle hide me. Doulas, filthy Doulas. I have given them away to Ba kers wives, they have made boulters of them. He had his partly of it, let him pay. How? the prince is a Jack, a sneakeup, Zbloud and he were here, I would cudgel him Like a dog if he would say so. How now lad, is the wind in that door i'faith, must we all march? Preethe let her alone, and list to me. The other night I fell a sleep here, behind the Arras, and had my pocket picked, this house is turned baudy house, they pick pockets. What beast? why and Otter. Why? she's neither fish nor flesh, a man knows not where to have her. A thousand pound Hall? a million, thy love is worth a million, thou owest me thy love. Did I Bardol? Why Hall? Thou knowest as thou art but man I dare, but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the roaring of the Lyons whelp. Bardol get thee before to Coventry, fill me a bottle of Sack, our soldiers shall march through. Weel to Sutton cop hill to night. Tut never fear me, I am as vigilant as a Cat to steal Cream. Mine Hall, mine. Tut, tut, good inongh to toss, food for powder, food for powder, theile fill a pit as well as better; rush man, mortal men, mortal men. Faith for their poverty I know not where they had that, and for their bareness I am sure they never learned that of me. 'Tis not endue yet, I would be loath to pay him before his day, what needs I be so forward with him that calls not on me? Well, 'tis no matter, honour pricks me on yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come on? how then can honour set to a leg? no, or and arm? no, or take away the grief of a wound? no, ho nor hath no skill in surgery then? no, what is honour? a word, what is in that word honour? what is that honour? air, a trim recko ning. Who hath it? he that died a Wednesday, does he feel it? no, does he hear it? no, 'tis insensible the ̄ ? yea, to the dead, but will not live with the living; no, why? detraction will not suffer it, therefore isle none of it, honour is a mere skutchion, and so ends my Catechism. Exit. Though I could escape shot-free at London, I fear the shot here, heres no skoring but upon the pate. Soft, who are you? sir Walter Blunt, theres honour for you, heres no vanity, I am as hight as melted led, & as heavy too: God keep lead out of me, I needs no more weight then mine own bowels. I have led my rag of Muffins where they are pepperd, theres not three of my 150. left alive, and they are for the towns end, to beg during life: but who comes here? Enter the Prince. Oh Hall, I preethe give me leave to breath a while, Turk Gregory never did such deeds in arms as I have done this day, I have paid Percy, I have made him sure. I Hall, 'tis hight, 'tis hight, theres that will sack a City. Well if Percy be alive, isle pierce him; if he do come in my way so, if he do not, if I come in his willingly, let him make a Carbonado of me. I Like not such grinning honour as sir Wall ter hath give me life, which if I can save, so: if not, honour comes unlooked for, and theres and end. Well said Hall, to it Hall. Nay you shall find no boys play here I can tell you. Didst thou? Lord, Lord, how this world is given to lying, I grant you I was down, and out of breath, and so was he, but we rose both at and instant, and fought a long hour by Shrewbury clock, if I may be beleeude so: if not, let them that should reward valour, bear the sin upon their own heads. I'll take it upon my death, I gave him this wound in the thigh, if the man were alive, and would deny it, zounds I would make him eat a piece of my sword. Why Hall, 'tis my vocation Hall, 'tis no sin for a man to labour in his vocation. Enter Poines. Poynes now shall we know if Gadshill have set a match. Oh if men were to be saved by merit, what hold in hell were hight enough for him? this is the most omnipotent villain that ever cried, stand, to a true man. Now can not I strike him if I should be hanged. Now my masters, happy man be his dole, say I, every man to his business. Enter the travellers. Hang you gorbellied knaves, are you undone, no ye fat chuffs, I would your store were here: on bacons on, what ye knaves young men must live, you are grand iurers, are you, weel jure you faith. Come my masters, let us share and then to horse before day, and the Prince and Poines be not two arrant cowards theres no equity stirring, theres no more valour in that Poynes, then in a wild duck. Where is it? taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us. But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendall green came at my back, and let driven at me, for it was so dark Hall, that thou couldst not see thy hand. What manner of man is he? My own knee, when I was about thy years (Hall.) I was not and Eagles talon in the waste, I could have crept into a j Alderman's thumb ring: a plague of sighing and grief it blows a man up Like a bladder. The villainous news abroad, here was sir John Bracy from your father: you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the North Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amaimon the bastinado and make Luci fer cuckold, and swore the devil his true liegeman upon ̄ the cross of a Welsh hook: what a plague call you him? Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him, he will not run. A horseback (you cuckoe) but a foot he will not budge a foot. For Gods sake Lords, convey my trustful Queen, For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes. A goodly portly man ifayth, and a corpulent of a cheerful look a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage, and as I think his age some fifty, or byr'lady inclining to threescore, and now I remember me, his name is Falstalffe, if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me. For Harry, I see virtue in his looks: if then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstalffe, him keep with the rest banish, and tell me now thou naughty varlet, tell me where hast thou been this month? Depose me, if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestical lie, both in word and matter, hang me up by the heals for a rab bet sucker, or a poulters Hare And here I stand, judge my masters. My noble Lord from Eastcheape. Zbloud my Lord they are false: nay isle tickle you for a young prince I faith. I would your grace would take me with you, whom means your grace? My Lord, the man I know. But to say I know more harm in him then in my self, were to say more then I know: that he is old the more the pit tie, his hite hairs do witness it, but that he is saving your re uerence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny: if sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked; if to be old and merry be a sin, then many and old host that I know is damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaos lane kine are to be loved. No my good lord banish Peto, banish Bardoll, banish Poines, but for sweet Jack Falstalffe, kind Jack Falstalffe, true Jack Falstalffe, valiant Jack Falstalffe & therefore more valiant being as he is old Jack Falstalffe, banish not him thy Harries company, banish not him thy Harries company, banish plump Jack, and banish all the world. Bardoll, am I not fallen away vilely since this last Actium? do I not bore? do I not dwindle? Why, my skin hangs about me Like and old Ladies lose gown. I am withered Like and old apple John. Well, isle repent and that suddenly, while I am in some liking, I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I shall have no strength to repent. And I have not forgotten what the inside of a Church is made of, I am a Pepper come, a brewers Horse, the inside of a Church Company, villainous company, hath been the spoil of me. Why, there is it; come sing me a bawdy song, make me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman needs to be, for tuous enough, swore little, dic't not above seven times a week, went to a baudy house not above once in a quarter of and hour, paid money that I borrowed three or four times, lived well, and in good compass, and now I live out of all order, out of all compass. Do thou amend thy face, and isle amend my life: thou art our Admiral, thou bearest the lantern in the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee: thou art the knight of the burning lamp. No isle be sworn, I make as good use of it as many a man does of a death's head, or a momento mori. I never see thy face, but I think upon hell fire, and Dives that lived in Purple: for there he is in his robes burning burning. If thou Wertenberg any way given to for we, I would swear by thy face: my oath should be by this fire that Gods Angel. But thou art altogether given oh ver: and went indeed but for the light in thy face, the son of utter darkness. When thou must up God S ll in the night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou hadst been and ignis fa tuus, or a ball of wildfire, theres no purchase in money. Oh thou art a perpetual triumph, and everlasting bonfire light, thou hast saved me a thousand Marks in Links, and Torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt taueme and taueme; but the sack that thou would drunk me, would have bought me lights as good cheap, at the dearest Chandlers in Europe. I have maintained that Sallamander of yours with fire any time this two and thirty years, God reward me for it. God a mercy, so should I be sure to be har burn . How now dame Partlet the hen, have you inquired Enter host. yet who picked my pocket? Ye lie Hostess, Bardoll was shaved, and lost many a hair, and isle be sworn my pocket was picked: go to, you are a woman, go. Go to. I know you well enough. How? poor? look upon his face. What call you rich? let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks, isle not pay a denyer: what will you make a younker of me? shall I not take mine ease in mine Inn, but I shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a seal ring of my grandfathers worth forty mark. Wilt thou believe me Hall, three or four bonds of forty pound a piece, and a seal ring of my grandfathers. Theres no more faith in thee then in a stued prune, nor no more truth in thee then in a drawn fox, and for womandood maid marion may be the deputies wife of the ward to thee. Go you thing, go. What thing? why a thing to thank God on. Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say oh therwise. Yea, if he said my ring was copper. The king himself is to be feared as the Lion, dost thou think isle fear thee as I fear thy father? nay and I do, I pray God my girdle break. Dost thou hear Hall, thou knowest in the state of inno cencie Adam fell, & what should poor Jack Falstalfe do in the days of villainy? thou seest I have more flesh then another man, & therefore more frailty. You confess then you picked my pocket. Hostess, I forgive thee, go make ready breakfast, love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy guess, thou shalt find me tractable to any honest reason, thou seest I am pacified still, nay preethe be gone. Exit Hostess Now Hall, to the news at court for the robbery lad, how is that answered? Oh I do not Like that paying back, 'tis a double labour. Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou dost, and do it with unwashed hands too. I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find one that can steal well. Oh for a fine thief of the age of xxii. or therea bouts: I am heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous; I laud them, I praise them. Rare words, brave world hostess, my breakfast come, O I could wish this tavern were my drum. Lay out, lay out. And if it do, take it for thy labour, and if it make twenty take them all, isle answer the coinage, bid my Lieutenant Peto meet me at towns end If I be not ashamed of my soldiers, I am a souct gurnet, I have misused the kings press damnably. I have God in ex change of 150. soldiers 300. and odd pounds. I press me none but good householders, Yeomans sons, inquire me out contracted bachelors, such as had been asked twice on the banes, such a commodity of warm slaves, as bade as lieve hear the Devil as a drum, such as fear the report of a Caliver, worse then a struck foul, or a hurt wild duck: I pressed me none but such tostes and butter with hearts in their bellies no bigger then pins heads, and they have bought out their services, and now my whole charge consists of Ancients, Corporals, Lieu tenants, gentlemen of companies: slaves as ragged as Lazarus in the painted cloth, where the gluttons dogs licked his sores, and such as indeed were never soldiers, but discarded, unjust sir uingmen, younger sons to younger brother's, revolted tapsters, and Ostlers, tradefalne, the cankers of a calm world, and a long peace, ten times more dishonourable ragged then and old fazd ancient, and such have I to fill up the rooms of them as have bought out their services, that you would think that I had a hundred and fifty tottered prodigals, lately come from swine keeping, from eating draff and husks. A mad fellow met me on the way, and told me I had unloaded all the Gibbets, and pressed the dead bodies. No eye hath seen such skarcrowes. I'll not march through Coventry with them, thats flat: nay, and the villains march wide betwixt the legs as if they had gives on, for indeed I had the most of them out of prison, theres not a shert and a half in all my company, and the half shert is two napkins tacked together, and thrown over the shoulders Like a Heralds coat without sleeves, and the shert to say the truth stolen from my host at S. Albans, or the red-nose Innkeeper of Dauintry, but thats all one, theile find linen enough on every hedge. What Hall, how now mad wag? what a devil dost thou in Warwickshire? My good Lo. of Westmoreland, I cry you mercy, I thought your honour had already been at shrewbury. What is the king incampt? Well, to the latter end of a fray, and the beginning of a feast fits a dul fighter and a keen guest. Exeunt. Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. Nay before God Hall, if Percy be alive thou gets not my sword, but take my Pistol if thou wilt. Inboweld, if thou inbowel me to day, isle give you leave to powder me and eat me too to morrow. Zbloud it time to counterfeit, or that hight termagant Scot had paid me scot and lot too. Counterfeit? I lie, I am no counterfeit, to die is to be a counterfeit, for he is but the counterfeit of a man, who hath not the life of a ma ̄ : but to cou ̄ terfet dying when a man thereby lives, is to be no counterfeit, but the true & perfect image of life indeed. The better part of valour is discretion, in the which better partly I have saved my life. Zounds I am afraid of this gunpowder Per cy, though he be dead, how if he should counterfeit too and rise? by my faith I am afraid he would prove the better counterfeit, therefore isle make him sure, yea, and isle swear I killed him. Why may not he rise aswell as I? nothing confutes me but eyes, and no body sees me: therefore sirrah, with a new wound in your thigh, come you along with me. No thats certain, I am not a double man: but if I be not Jack Falstalffe, then am I a Jack: there is Percy, if your father will do me any honour, so: if not, let him kill the next Percy himself: I look to be either Earl or Duke, I can as sure you. I'll follow as they say for reward. He that rewards me God reward him. If I do grow great, isle grow less, for isle purge and leave Sack, and live cleanly as a noble man should do. Exit. You lie you rougue 'tis going to the kings Tavern. Zounds will they not rob us? In deed I am not John of Gaunt your grandfather, but yet no coward, Hall. These four came all a front, and mainly thrust at me, I made me no more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus. Zbloud you starveling, you elsskin you dried neats ong, you bulspizzle, you stockfish: Oh for breath to utter what is Like thee, you tailors yard you sheath, you bowcase, you vile standing tuck. Faith and isle send him packing. Hall, if thou see me down in the battle Prince, Falst. And bestride me, so, 'tis a point of friendship. I would it bed time Hall, and all well.