DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Returned so soon, rather approached too late: The Capon burns, the Big falls from the spit; The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell: My Mistress made it one upon my cheek: She is so hight because the meat is cold: The meat is cold, because you come not home: You come not home, because you have no stomach: You have no stomach, having broke your fast: But we that know what it's to fast and pray, Are penitent for your default to day. O six pence that I had a Wednesday last, To pay the Sadler for my Mistress crupper: The Sadler had it Sir, I kept it not. I pray you jest sir as you fit at dinner: I from my Mistress come to you in post: If I return I shall be post indeed. For she will scour your fault upon my pate: Me thinks your maw, Like mine, should be your ooke, And strike you home without a messenger. To me sir? why you gave no gold to me? My charge was but to fetch you f oh ̄ the Mars Home to your house, the Phoenix sir, to dinner; My Mistress and her sister stays for you. I have some marks of yours upon my pate: Some of my Mistress marks upon my shoulders: But not a thousand marks between you both. If I should pay your worship those again, Perchance you will not bear them patiently. Your worships wife, my Mistress at the Phoenix ; She that does fast till you come home to dinner: And prays that you will High you home to dinner. What mean you sir, for God sake hold your hands: Nay, and you will not sir, I'll take my heals. Nay, he's at too hands with me, and that my two ears can witness. I, I, he told his mind upon mine ear, Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it. Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel his blows; and withal so doubtfully, that I could scarce understand them. Why Mistress, sure my Master is horn mad. I mean not Cuckold mad, But sure he is stark mad: When I desired him to come home to dinner, He asked me for a hundred marks in gold: It's dinner time quoth I: my gold, quoth he: Your meat does burn, quoth I: my gold quoth he: Will you come, quoth I: my gold, quoth he; Where is the thousand marks I gave thee villain? The Pig quoth I, is burned: my gold, quoth he: My mistress, sir, quoth I: hang up thy Mistress: I know not thy mistress, out on thy mistress. Say what you will sir, but I know what I know, That you Beatrice me at the Mars I have your hand to show; If y e skin were parchment, & y e blows you gave were ink, Your own handwriting would tell you what I think. Marry so it does appear By the wrongs I suffer, and the blows I bear, I should kick being kicked, and being at that pass, You would keep from my heals, and beware of and ass. Maud, Briget, Marian, Cisley, Gillian, Ginn. What patch is made our Porter? my Master stays in the street. Oh villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name, The one never God me credit, the other much blame: If thou hadst been Dromio to day in my place, Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for and ass. Let my Master in Luce. Oh Lord I must laugh, have at you with a Pro verb, Shall I set in my staff. So come help, well struck, there was blow for blow. If you went in pain Master, this knave would go soar. They stand at the door, Master, bid them welcome hither. You would say so Master, if your garments were thin. Your cake here is warm within: you stand here in the cold. It would make a man mad as a Buck to be so bought and sold. A man may break a word with your sir, and words are but wind; I and break it in your face, so he break it not behind. Here's too much out upon thee, I pray thee let me in. A crow without feather, Master mean you so; For a fish without a fin, ther's a fowl without afether, If a crow help us in sirrah, wee'll pluck a crow together. Here's that I warrant you will pay them all. Why sir, I gave the Money for the Rope. I'll serve you sir five hundred at the rate. Nay it's for me to be patient, I am in aduer sity. Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands. I would I were senseless sir, that I might not feel your blows. I am and Ass indeed, you may prove it by my long ears. I have served him from the hour of my Nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating: when I am warm, he cools me with beating: I am waked with it when I sleep, raised with it when I fit, driven out of doors with it when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I return, nay I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her brat: and I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door. Mistress respice finem, respect your end, or ra there the prophesy Like the Parrat, beware the ropes end. Sir he din'de with her there, at the Porpen tine. Within this hour I was his bondman sir, But he I thank him gnawed in two my cords, Now am I Dromio, and his man, unbound. I Sir am Dromio, pray let me stay. And I with him. No, none by me. That's a question, how shall we try it. Nay then thus: We came into the world Like brother and brother: And now let's go hand in hand, not one before another. Quoth my Master, I know quoth he, no house, no wife, no mistress: so that my arrant endue unto my tongue, I thank him, I bore home upon my shoulders: for in conclusion, he did Beatrice me there. Master, knock the door hard. I sir, but I am sure I do not, and whatso ever a man denies, you are now bound to believe him. Me thinks you are my glass, & not my brother: I see by you, I am a sweet-faced youth, Will you walk in to see their gossipping?