ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

By what rule sir? And welcome more common, for thats nothing but words. I, to a niggardly Host, and more sparing guest: But though my cates be mean, take them in good partly, Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart. But soft, my door is locked; go bid them let us in. What art thou that keepest me out from the House I owe? Do you hear you minion, you'll let us in I hope? Thou baggage let me in. Are you there Wife? you might have come before. There is something in the wind, that we can not get in. You have prevailed, I will depart in quiet, And in despite of mirth mean to be merry: I know a wench of excellent discourse, Pretty and witty; wild, and yet too gentle; There will we dine: this woman that I mean My wife (but I protest without desert) Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal: To her will we to dinner, get you home And fetch the chain, by this I know it's made, Bring it I pray you to the Porpentine, For there's the house: That chain will I bestow (Be it for nothing but to spite my wife) Upon mine hostess there, good sir make haft Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me, I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me. Do so, this jest shall cost me some expense. What claim lays she to thee? What is she? How dost thou mean a fat marriage? What complexion is she of? That's a fault that water will mend. What's her name? Then she bears some breadth? In what partly of her body stands Ireland ? Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands ? Go High thee presently post to the road, And if the wind blow any way from shore, I will not harbour in this Town to night. If any Bark put forth, come to the Mars, Where I will walk till thou return to me: If every one knows us, and we know none, It's time I think to trudge, pack, and be gone. There's none but Witches do inhabit here, And therefore it's High time that I were hence: She that does call me husband, even my soul Does for a wife abhor. But her fair sister Possessed with such a gentle sovereign grace, Of such enchanting presence and discourse, Hath almost made me Traitor to my self: But least my self be guilty to self wrong, I'll stop mine ears against the Mermaids song. I that's my name. What is your will that I shall do with this? Made it for me sir, I bespoke it not. I pray you sir receive the money now, For fear you never see chain, nor money more. I am not furnished with the present money: Beside I have some business in the town, Good Signior take the stranger to my house, And with you take the Chain, and bid my wife Disburse the sum, on the receipt thereof, Perchance I will be there as soon as you. No bear it with you, least I come not time e nough. Good Lord, you use this dalliance to excuse Your breach of promise to the Porpentine, I should have chid you for not bringing it, But Like a shrew you first begin to brawl. But where's the Money? Thou whoreson senseless Villain. Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is and Ass. Wilt thou still talk? Peace doting vizard, peace; I am not mad. You Minion you, are these your Customers? Did this Companion with the saffron face Revel and feast it at my house to day, Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut, And I denied to enter in my house. Dined at home? Thou Villain, what sayest thou? Were not my doors locked up, and I shut out? And did not she her self revile me there? Did not her Kitchen maid rail, taunt, and scorn me? For what reason. Nay not found I pray you. Nay, not sure in a thing falsing. Name them. You would all this time have proved, here is no time for all things. But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover. I knew 'twould be a bald conclusion: but soft, who wafts us yonder. How now? a Madman? Why thou peevish sheep What ship of Epidamium stays for me. Fear me not man, I will not break away, I'll give thee ere I leave thee so much money To warrant thee as I am rested for. My wife is in a wayward mood to day, And will not lightly trust the Messenger, That I should be attached in Ephesus, I tell you it'll found harshly in her ears. Here comes my Man, I think he brings the money. How now sir? Have you that I sent you for? Even now, even here, not half and hour since. I think thou art and ass. Who talks within there? hoa, open the door. Justice most gracious Duke, o grant me ju stice, Even for the service that long since I did thee, When I be rid thee in the wars, and took Deep scars to save thy life; even for the blood That then I lost for thee, now grant me justice. Justice (sweet Prince) against y to Woman there: She whom thou gavest to me to be my wife; That hath abused and dishonoured me, Even in the strength and height of injury: Beyond imagination is the wrong That she this day hath shameless thrown on me. This day (great Duke) she shut the doors upon me, While she with Harlots feasted in my house. My Liege, I am advised what I say, Neither disturbed with the effect of Wine, Nor headie-rash provoked with raging ire, Albeit my wrongs might make one wiser mad. This woman locked me out this day from dinner; That Goldsmith there, were he not packed with her, Could witness it: for he was with me then, Who parted with me to go fetch a Chain, Promising to bring it to the Porpentine, Where Balthazar and I did dine together. Our dinner done, and he not coming thither, I went to seek him. In the street I met him, And in his company that Gentleman. There did this perjured Goldsmith swear me down, That I this day of him received the Chain, Which God he knows, I saw not. For the which, He did arrest me with and Officer. I did obey, and sent my Peasant home For certain Ducats: he with none returned. Then fairly I bespoke the Officer To go in person with me to my house. By 'th way, we met my wife, her sister, and a rabble more Of vild Confederates: Along with them They brought one Pinch, a hungry lean-faced Villain; A mere Anatomy, a Mountebanke, A threadbare Juggler, and a Fortuneteller, A needy-hollow-ey'd-sharpe-looking-wretch; A living dead man. This pernicious slave, Forsooth took on him as a Conjurer: And gazing in mine eyes, feeling my pulse, And with no-face (as 'twere) outfacing me, Cries out, I was possessed. Then altogether They fell upon me, bound me, boar me thence, And in a dark and dankish vault at home There left me and my man, both bound together, Till gnawing with my teeth my bonds in sunder, I gained my freedom; and immediately Ran hither to your Grace, whom I beseech To give me ample satisfaction For these deep shames, and great indignities. I never came within these Abbey walls, Nor ever didst thou draw thy sword on me: I never saw the Chain, so help me heaven: And this is false you burden me withal. I never saw you in my life till now. I came from Corinth my most gracious Lord Brought to this Town by that most famous Warrior, Duke Menaphon, your most renowned Uncle. No, I say nay to that. And you sir for this Chain arrested me. These Ducats pawn I for my father here. There take it, and much thanks for my good cheer. Good signior Angelo you must excuse us all, My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours; Say that I lingerd with you at your shop To see the making of her Carkanet, And that to morrow you will bring it home. But here's a villain that would face me down He met me on the Mars, and that I Beatrice him, And charged him with a thousand marks in gold, And that I did deny my wife and house; Thou drunkard thou, what didst thou mean by this? 'Tis true (my Liege) this Ring I had of her. you are sad signior Balthazar, pray God our cheer May answer my good will, and your good welcome here. O signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish, A table full of welcome, makes scarce one dainty dish. Dromio, what stuff of mine hast thou embarked A man is well help up that trusts to you, I promised your presence, and the Chain, But neither Chain nor Goldsmith came to me: Belike you thought our love would last too long If it were chained together: and therefore came not.