FORD

Well: I hope, it be not so. Why sir, my wife is not young. Love my wife? What name Sir? I will be patient: I will find out this. I will seek out Falstaff. If I do find it: well. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well. I melancholy? I am not melancholy: Get you home: go. Do you think there is truth in them? Were they his men? I Like it never the beter for that, Do's he lie at the Garter? I do not misdoubt my wife: but I would be loath to turn them together: a man may be too confi dent: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied. Good mine Host of the Garter: a word with you. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wives frailty; yet, I cannot put-off my oh pinion so easily: she was in his company at Pages house: and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into't, and I have a disguise, to found Falstaff ; if I find her honest, I lose not my labour: if she be other wise, it's labour well bestowed. 'Blesse you sir. I make bold, to press, with so little prepara cion upon you. Sir, I am a Gentleman that have spent much, my name is Broom. Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you, for I must let you understand, I think my self in better plighted for a Lender, then you are: the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion: for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. Troth, and I have a bag of money here trou bles me: if you will help to bear it (Sir John ) take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. I will tell you sir, if you will give me the hea ring. Sir, I hear you are a Scholar: (I will be brief with you) and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire, to make my self acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own im perfection: but (good Sir John ) as you have one eye up on my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the Register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you your self know how easy it is to be such and offender. I have long loved her, and I protest to you, be stowed much on her: followed her with a doting ob seruance: Ingrossed opportunities to meet her: feed e very slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sighed of her: not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many, to know what she would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as Love hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all occasions: but whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind, or in my means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless Experience be a Jewel, that I have purcha said at and infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this, " Love Like a shadow flies, when substance Love pursues, " Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues. " Love Like a shadow flies, when substance Love pursues, " Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues. Never. Never. Like a fair house, built on another men ground, so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking the place, where I erected it. Believe it, for you know it: there is money, spend it, spend it, spend more; spend all I have, only give me so much of your time in enchange of it, as to lay and amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: use your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any. Oh, understand my drift: she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present it self: she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves, I could driven her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too-too strongly embattled against me: what say you too't, Sir John ? Oh good Sir. Want no money (Sir John ) you shall want none. I am blessed in your acquaintance: do you know Ford Sir? I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might a void him, if you saw him. What a damned Epicurian-Rascall is this? my heart is ready to crack with impatience: who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made: would any man have thought this? see the hell of having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my Coffers ransacked, my reputati on gnawn at, and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong: Terms, names: Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer, well: Barbason, well: yet they are Devils additions, the names of fiends: But Cuckold, Wittol, Cuckold? the Devil himself hath not such a name. Page is and Ass, a secure Ass; he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welsh man with my Cheese, and Irishman with my Aqua-vitae-bottle, or a Thief to walk my ambling gelding, then my wife with her self. Then she plots, then she rumi nates, then she devises: and what they think in their hearts they may effect; they will break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy: eleven of clock the hour, I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it, better three hours too soon, then a my nute too late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold, Cuckold. Well met mistress Page, whither go you. I, and as idle as she may hang together for want of company: I think if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. Where had you this pretty weathercock? Sir. John Falstaff. Indeed she is. Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure they sleep, he hath no use of them: why this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy, as a Canon will shoot point-blank twelve score: he pee ces out his wives inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and now she's going to my wife, & Fall staffs boy with her: A man may hear this shower sing in the wind; and Falstaffes boy with her: good plots, they are laid, and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-see ming Missed. Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Acteon, and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. The clock gives me my Queen, and my assurance bids me search, there I shall find Fall staff : I shall be rather praised for this, then mocked, for it is as positive, as the earth is firm, that Falstaff is there: I will go. Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me. I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: beside your cheer you shall have sport, I will show you a monster: M r Doctor, you shall go, so shall you M r Page, and you Sir Hugh. I think I shall drink in Pipe-wine first with him, I'll make him dance. Will you go, Gentles? pray you come never: if I suspect without cause, Why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest, I deserve it: How now? Whither bear you this? Buck I would I could wash my self of y e Buck: Buck, buck, buck, I buck: I warrant you Buck, And of the season too; it shall appear. Gentlemen, I have dreamed to night, I'll tell you my dream: here, here, here be my keys, ascend my Chambers, search, seek, find out: I'll warrant we'll unkennel the Fox. Let me stop this way first: so, now uncape. True (master Page ) up Gentlemen, You shall see sport anon: Follow me Gentlemen. I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass. I, I do so. Amen. I, I: I must bear it. It's my fault (M. Page ) I suffer for it. Well, I promised you a dinner: come, come, walk in the Park, I pray you pardon me: I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come wife, come Mi. Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray heartily pardon me. Any thing. Pray you go, M. Page. Bless you Sir. That indeed (Sir John ) is my business. And sped you Sir? How so sir, did she change her determination? What? While you were there? A Buck-basket? And how long lay you there? In good sadness Sir, I am sorry, that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate: You'll undertake her no more? It's passed eight already Sir. Hum: would? Is this a vision? Is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford awake, awake Master Ford : ther's a hold made in your best coat (Master Ford :) this it's to be married; this it's to have Linen, and Buck-baskets: Well, I will proclaim my self what I am: I will now take the Leacher: he is at my house: he cannot escape me: it's impossible he should: he can not creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a Pepper-Boxe: But least the Devil that guides him, should aid him, I will search impossible places: though what I am, I cannot avoid; yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: If I have horns, to make one mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad. I, but if it prove true (M r . Page ) have you any way then to vnfoole me again. Set down the basket villain: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket: O you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a pack, a conspiracy against me: Now shall the devil be shamed. What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what ho nest clothes you send forth to bleaching. So say I too Sir, come hither Mistress Ford, Mi stris Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtue ous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband: I suspect without cause (Mistress) do I? Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth sirrah. I shall find you anon. Empty the basket I say. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one con uay'd out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again, in my house I am sure he is: my Intelligence is true, my jealousy is reasonable, pluck me out all the linen. Well, he's not here I seek for. Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity: Let me for ever be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow Walnut for his wives Leman. Satisfy me once more, once more search with me. Old woman? what old woman's that? A witch, a Quean, and old cozening quean: Have I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands do's she? We are simple men, we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of Fortunetelling. She works by Charms, by Spells, by the Figure, & such dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: we know no thing. Come down you Witch, you Hag you, come down I say. I'll Prat -her: Out of my door, you Witch, you Rag, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion, out, out: I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you. Hang her witch. Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you fol low: see but the issue of my jealousy: If I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what y u wilt: I rather will suspect the Sun with gold, Then thee with wantonness: Now does thy honour stand (In him that was of late and Heretic) As firm as faith. There is no better way then that they spoke of. And till he tell the truth, Let the supposed Fairies pinch him, found, And burn him with their Tapers. The children must Be practised well to this, or they'll never doo't. That will be excellent, I'll go buy them vizards. Nay, I'll to him again in name of Broom, He'll tell me all his purpose: sure he'll come. Went you not to her yesterday (Sir) as you told me you had appointed? Now Sir, whose a Cuckold now? M r Broom, Falstaffes a Knave, a Cuckoldly knave, Here are his horns Master Broom : And Master Broom, he hath enjoyed nothing of Fords, but his Buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be paid to M r Broom, his horses are arrested for it, M r Broom. I, and and Ox too: both the proofs are ex tant. Well said Fairy Hugh. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in good English. And one that is as slanderous as Satan? And as wicked as his wife? Marry Sir, we'll bring you to Windsor to one M r Broom, that you have cozon'd of money, to whom you should have been a Pander: over and above that you have suffered, I think, to repay that money will be a by ting affliction. This is strange: Who hath God the right Anne? Stand not amazed, here is no remedy: In Love, the heavens themselves do guide the state, Money buys Lands, and wives are sold by fate. Let it be so (Sir John :) To Master Broom, you yet shall hold your word, For he, to night, shall lie with Mistress Ford You herd what this knave told me, did you not? When I have told you that, I have told you all: Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlarges her mirth so far, that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir John ) here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of ex cellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admit tance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and learned preparations. And did he search for you, & could not find you? There is a Gentlewoman in this Town, her husbands name is Ford. What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?