MARIA

By my troth sir Toby, you must come in earlier a nights your Cousin, my Lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours. And you too sir. Madam, there is at the gate, a young Gentle man, much desires to speak with you. What a caterwauling do you keep here? If my Lady have not called up her Steward Malvolio, and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me. For the love of God peace. Nay good Sir Toby. Go shake your ears. Sweet Sir Toby be patient for to night: Since the youth of the Counts was to day with my Lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: If I do not gull him into and ayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit e nough to lie straight in my bed: I know I can do it. Marry sir, sometime he is a kind of Puritane. The diu'll a Puritane that he is, or any thing constantly but a time-pleaser, and affectioned Ass, that cons State without book, and utters it by great swaths. The best persuaded of himself: so cramed (as he thinks) with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith, that all that look on him, love him: and on that vice in him, will my revenge find notable cause to work. I will drop in his way some obscure Epistles of love, wherein by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gate, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very Like my Lady your Niece, on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands. My purpose is indeed a horse of that colour. Ass, I doubt not. Sport royal I warrant you: I know my Phy sick will work with him, I will plant you two, and let the Fool make a third, where he shall find the Letter: observe his construction of it: For this night to bed, and dream on the event: Farewell. Get you all three into the box tree: Maluolio's coming down this walk, he has been yonder in the Sun practising behaviour to his own shadow this half hour: observe him for the love of Mockery: for I know this Letter will make a contemplative Idiot of him. Close in the name of jesting, lie thou there: for here comes the Trowt, that must be caught with tickling. If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my Lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and it's a colour she abhors, and cross gartered, a fashion she detests: and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her dispo sition, being addicted to a melancholy, as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt: if you will see it follow me. If you desire the spleen, and will laugh your selves into stitches, follow me; yond gull Malvolio is tur ned Heathen, a very Renegatho; for there is no christian that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings. Most villanously: Like a Pedant that keeps a School in that Church: I have dogged him Like his murthe rer. He does obey every point of the Letter that I dropped, to betray him: He does smile his face into more lines, then is in the new Map, with the augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as 'tis: I can hard lie forbear hu ling things at him, I know my Lady will strike him: if she do, he'll smile, and take't for a great favour. He's coming Madame: But in very strange manner. He is sure possessed Madam. No Madam, he does nothing but smile: your La dyship were best to have some guard about you, if he come, for sure the man is tainted in's wits. How do you Malvolio ? Why appear you with this ridiculous bold ness before my Lady. Lo, how hollow the S end speaks within him; did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my Lady prays you to have a care of him. La you, and you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart Pray God he be not bewitched. Marry and it shall be done to morrow morning if I live. My Lady would not lose him for more then isle say. O Lord. Get him to say his prayers, good sir Toby get him to pray. No I warrant you, he will not hear of godly ness. Nay pursue him now, least the device take air, and taint. The house will be the quieter. You may have very fit occasion fot't: he is now in some commerce with my Lady, and will by and by depart. Nay, I prithee put on this gown, & this beard, make him believe thou art sir Topas the Curate, do it quickly. I'll call sir Toby the while. Thou mightest have done this without thy beard and gown, he sees thee not. I, but you must confine your self within the modest limits of order. That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I herd my Lady talk of it yesterday: and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here, to be his woer I he. What's that to the purpose? I, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats: He's a very fool, and a prodigal. He hath indeed, almost natural: for beside that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that he hath the gift of a Coward, to allay the gust he hath in quarrel ling, it's thought among the prudent, he would quickly have the gift of a graven. They that add moreour, he's drunk nightly in your company. Good Mistress accost, I desire better acquaintance My name is Marry sir. Far you well Gentlemen. Sir, I have not you by 'th hand. Now sir thought is free: I pray you bring your hand to 'th Buttery bar, and let it drink. It's dry sir. A dry jest Sir. I Sir, I have them at my fingers ends: marry now I let go your hand, I am barren. Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a brissle may enter, in way of thy excuse: my Lady will hang thee for thy absence. Make that good. A good lenton answer: I can tell thee where y to saying was born, of I fear no colours. In the wars, & that may you be bold to say in your foolery. Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent, or to be turned away: is not that as good as a hanging to you? You are resolute then? That if one break, the other will hold: or if both break, your gaskins fallen. Peace you rogue, no more of that: here comes my Lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best. Sir Toby Madam, your kinsman. Will you hoist sail sir, here lies your way. Nay but say true, do's it work upon him? I know not (Madam) it's a fair young man, and well attended.