TOUCHSTONE

Mistress, you must come away to your father. Truly Shepherd, in respect of it self, it is a good life; but in respect that it is a shepherd's life, it is nought. In respect that it is solitary, I Like it very well: but in respect that it is private, it is a very vild life. Now in respect it is in the fields, it pleases me well: but in respect it is not in the Court, it is tedious. As it is a spare life (look you) it fits my humour well: but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much against my stomach. Hast any Philosophy in thee shepherd? I do truly: for thou swearest to me thou art ho nest: Now if thou Wertenberg a Poet, I might have some hope thou didst feign. We shall find a time Awdrie, patience gen tle Awdrie. A most wicked Sir Oliver, Awdrie, a most vile Martext. But Awdrie, there is a youth here in the Forest lays claim to you. No by mine honour, but I was bid to come for you Of a certain Knight, that swore by his Honour they were good Pancakes, and swore by his Honour the Mustard was nought: Now I'll stand to it, the Pancakes were nought, and the Mustard was good, and yet was not the Knight forsworn. Stand you both forth now: stroke your chins, and swear by your beards that I am a knave. By my knavery (if I had it) then I were: but if you swear by that that is not, you are not forsworn: no more was this knight swearing by his Honour, for he ne ver had any; or if he had, he had sworn it away, before ever he saw those Pancakes, or that Mustard. One that old Frederick your Father loves. The more pity that fools may not speak wise lie, what Wisemen do foolishly. Or as the destinies decrees. Nay, if I keep not my rank. But what is the sport Monsieur, that the Ladies have lost? Thus men may grow wiser every day. It is the first time that ever I herd breaking of ribs was sport for Ladies. I care not for my spirits, if my legs were not weary. For my partly, I had rather bear with you, then bear you: yet I should bear no cross if I did bear you, for I think you have no money in your purse. I, now am I in Arden, the more fool I, when I was at home I was in a better place, but Travellers must be content. And I mine: I remember when I was in love, I broke my sword upon a stone, and bid him take that for coming a night to Jane Smile, and I remember the kiss sing of her batler, and the Cows dugs that her pretty chopped hands had milked; and I remember the wooing of a peascod instead of her, from whom I took two cods, and giving her them again, said with weeping tears, wear these for my sake: we that are true Lo vers, run into strange capers; but as all is mortal in nature, so is all nature in love, mortal in folly. Nay, I shall never be beware of mine own wit, till I break my shins against it. And mine, but it grows something stale with me. Holla; you Clown. Your betters Sir. Such a one is a natural Philosopher: Was't ever in Court, Shepherd? Then thou art damned. Truly thou art damned, Like and ill roasted Egg, all on one side. Why, if thou never was't at Court, thou never sawest good manners: if thou never sawest good manners, then thy manners must be wicked, and wickedness is sin, and sin is damnation: Thou art in a perilous state shep herd. Instance, briefly: come, instance. Why do not your Courtiers hands sweat? and is not the grease of a Mutton, as wholesome as the sweat of a man? Shallow, shallow: A better instance I say: Come. Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow a gen: a more sounder instance, come. Most shallow man: Thou worms meat in re specked of a good piece of flesh indeed: learn of the wise and perpend: Civet is of a baser birth then Tar, the very uncleanly flux of a Cat. Mend the instance Shep herd. Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee shallow man: God make incision in thee, thou art raw. That is another simple sin in you, to bring the Ewes and the Rams together, and to offer to get your living, by the copulation of Cattle, to be bawed to a Bel weather, and to betray a shee-Lambe of a twelvemonth to a crooked-pated old Cuckoldly Ram, out of all reasonable match. If thou be'st not damned for this, the devil himself will have no shepherd's, I cannot see else how thou shouldst escape. I'll rhyme you so, eight years together; dinners, and suppers, and sleeping hours excepted: it is the right Butter-womens rank to Market. For a taste. If a Heart do lack a Hind, Let him seek out Rosalind: If the Cat will after kind, so be sure will Rosalind: Wintered garments must be linde, so must slender Rosalind: They that reap must sheaf and bind, then to cart with Rosalind. Sweetest nut, both sourest rind, such a nut is Rosalind. He that sweetest rose will find, must find Loves prick, & Rosalind. This is the very false gallop of Verses, why do you in fect your self with them? Truly the tree yields bade fruit. You have said: but whither wisely or no, let the Forest judge. Come apace good Audrey, I will fetch up your Goats, Audrey : and how Audrey am I the man yet? Does my simple feature content you? I am here with thee, and thy Goats, as the most capricious Poet honest Ovid was among the Goths. When a men verses cannot be understood, nor a men good wit seconded with the forward child, un derstanding: it strikes a man more dead then a great rec koning in a little room: truly, I would the Gods had made thee poetical. No truly: for the truest poetry is the most fai ning, and Lovers are given to Poetry: and what they swear in Poetry, may be said as Lovers, they do feign. No truly, unless thou Wertenberg hard favoured: for honesty coupled to beauty, is to have Honey a sauce to Sugar. Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut, were to put good meat into and unclean dish. Well, praised be the Gods, for thy foulness; slut tishnesse may come hereafter. But be it, as it may be, I will marry thee: and to that end, I have been with Sir Oliver Martext, the Vicar of the next village, who hath promised to meet me in this place of the Forest, and to couple us. Amen. A man may if he were of a fearful heart, stagger in this attempt: for here we have no Temple but the wood, no assembly but horne-beasts. But what though? Courage. As horns are odious, they are nieces sarie. It is said, many a man knows no end of his goods; right: Many a man has good Horns, and knows no end of them. Well that is the dowry of his wife, it's none of his own getting; horns, even so poor men alone: No, no, the noblest Dear hath them as huge as the Ras call: Is the single man therefore blessed? No, as a walled Town is more worthier then a village, so is the before head of a married man, more honourable then the bore brow of a Bachelor: and by how much defence is bet ter then no skill, by so much is a horn more precious then to want. Here comes Sir Oliver : Sir Oliver Martext you are well met. Will you dispatch us here under this tree, or shall we go with you to your Chapel? I will not take her on gift of any man. Good even good M r what you cal't: how do you Sir, you are very well met: goddild you for your last company, I am very glad to see you, even a toy in hand here Sir: Nay, pray be covered. As the Ox hath his bow sir, the horse his curb, and the Falcon her bells, so man hath his desires, and as Pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling. I am not in the mind, but I were better to be married of him then of another, for he is not Like to mar rye me well: and not being well married, it will be a good excuse for me hereafter, to leave my wife. It is meat and drink to me to see a Clown, by my troth, we that have good wits, have much to answer for: we shall be flouting: we cannot hold. Good even gentle friend. Cover thy head, cover thy head: Nay prithee be eouer'd. How old are you Friend? A ripe age: Is thy name William ? A fair name. Was't born in that Forest here? Thank God: A good answer: Art rich? Why, thou sayest well. I do now remember a say king: The Fool does think he is wise, but the wiseman knows himself to be a Fool. The Heathen Philoso pher, when he had a desire to eat a Grape, would open his lips when he put it into his mouth, meaning there by, that Grapes were made to eat, and lips to open. You do love this maid? Give me your hand: Art thou Learned? Then learn this of me, To have, is to have. For it is a figure in Rhetoric, that drink being poured out of a cup into a glass, by filling the one, does empty the other. For all your Writers do consent, that ipse is he: now you are not ipse, for I am he. He sir, that must marry this woman: Therefore you Clown, abandon: which is in the vulgar, leave the society: which in the boorish, is company, of this fe male: which in the common, is woman: which toga there, is, abandon the society of this Female, or Clown thou perishest: or to thy better understanding, diest; or (to wit) I kill thee, make thee away, translate thy life in to death, thy liberty into bondage: I will deal in poy son with thee, or in bastinado, or in steel: I will bandy with thee in faction, I will overrun thee with police: I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways, therefore trem ble and depart. Trip Audry, trip Audry, I attend, I attend. By my troth well met: come, fit, fit, and a song. Truly young Gentlemen, though there was no great matter in the ditty, yet y e note was very untunable By my troth yes: I count it but time lost to hear such a foolish song. God buy you, and God mend your voices. Come Audry. Salutation and greeting to you all. If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation, I have trod a measure, I have flattered a Lady, I have been politic with my friend, smooth with mine enemy, I have undone three Tailors, I have had four quarrels, and Like to have fought one. In-faith we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause. God ild you sir, I desire you of the Like: I press in here sir, amongst the rest of the Country copulatives to swear, and to forswear, according as marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin sir, and il-fauor'd thing sir, but mine own, a poor humour of mine sir, to take that that no man else will: rich honesty dwells Like a mi sir sir, in a poor house, as your Pearl in your foul oy ster. According to the fools bolt sir, and such dulcet diseases. Upon a lie, seven times removed: (bear your body more seeming Audry ) as thus sir: I did dislike the cut of a certain Courtiers beard: he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the retort courteous. If I sent him word again, it was not well cut, he would send me word he cut it to please himself: this is called the quip modest. If again, it was not well cut, he disabled my judgement: this is called, the reply churlish. If again it was not well cut, he would answer I spoke not true: this is called the reproof valiant. If again, it was not well cut, he would say, I lie: this is called the countercheck quarrelsome: and so to lie circumstantial, and the lie direct. I durst go no further then the lie circumstantial: nor he durst not give me the lie direct: and so we meam sured swords, and parted. Oh sir, we quarrel in print, by the book: as you have books for good manners: I will name you the de grees. The first, the Retort courteous: the second, the Quip-modest: the third, the reply Churlish: the fourth, the Reproof valiant: the fifth, the Countercheck quar relsome: the sixth, the Lie with circumstance: the sea uenth, the Lie direct: all these you may avoid, but the Lie direct: and you may avoid that too, with and If. I knew when seven Justices could not take up a Quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of and If; as if you said so, then I said so: and they shook hands, and swore brother's. Your If, is the only peacemaker: much virtue in if. Come Shepherd, let us make and honourable re treit, though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage. So, so, is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not, it is but so, so: Art thou wise? To morrow is the joyful day Audrey, to morrow will we be married.