PIEBOARD

What's to be done now? old Lad of War; thou that we to wont to be as hight as a turnspit, as nimble as a fencer, & as low zy as a schoolmaster; now thou art put to silence Like a Sec tarry? —War sits now Like a Justice of peace, and does nothing, where be your Muskets, Caleiuers and Hotshots? in Long-lane, at Pawn, at Pawn;—Now keys, are your only Guns, Key-guns, Key-guns, & Bawds the Gunners,—who are your cen tinells in peace, and stand ready charged to give warning; with hems, hums, & pockey-coffs; only your Chambers are licenc'st to play upon you, and Drabs enough to give fire to they. Troth, and for mine own partly, I am a poor Gentleman, & a Scholar, I have been matriculated in the University, wore ut ixe Gowns there, seen some fools, and some Scholars, some of the City, and some of the Country, kept order, went bareheaded over the Quadrangle, eat my Commons with a good stomach, and Battled with Discretion; at last, having done many slights and tricks to maintain my wit in use (as my brain would never endure me to be idle,) I was expelled the University, only for stealing a Cheese out of Jesus College. O! there was one Welshman (God forgive him) pur sued it hard; and never left, till I rnmde my staff towards London, where when I came, all my friends were pitt-hold, gone to Graves, (as indeed there was but a few left before) then was I turned to my wits, to shift in the world, to tower among Sons and Heirs, and Fools, and Gulls, and Ladies eldest Sons, to work upon nothing, to feed out of Flint, and ever since has my belly been much beholding to my brain: But now to return to you old kirmish. I say as you say, and for my partly wish a Turbulency in the world, for I have nothing to lose but my wits, and I think they are as mad as they will be: and to strengthen your Argument the more, I say and honest wart, is better then a bawdy peace: as touching my profession; The multiplicity of Scholars, hatched, and now risht, in the idle Calms of peace, makes they Like Fish one de voure another; and the community of Learning ha so played upon affections, and thereby almost Religion is come about to Fantasy, and discredited by being too much spoken off—in so many & mean mouths, I my self being a Scholar and a Gradum ate, have no other comfort by my learning, but the Affliction of my words, to know how Scholarlike to name what I want, & can call my self a Beggar both in Grecke and Latin, and there before not to clog with Peace, I'll not be afraid to say, it's a great Breeder, but a barren Nourisher: a great-getter of Children, which must either be Thieves or Rich-men, Knaves or Beggars. uh, faint not old Skirmish, let this warrant thee, Facilis Descensus Aver I, it's and easy journey to a Knave, thou mayest be a Knave when thou wilt; and Peace is a good Madam to all other professions, and and arrant Drab to us, let us han dle her accordingly, and by our wits thrive in despite of her; for since the law lives by quarrelis, the Courtier by smooth God-morrowes, and every profession makes it self greater by imperfections, why not we then by shifts, wiles, and forgeries? and seeing our brains are ou only Patrimo nies, let's spe worser with judgement, not Like a desperate son and heir, but Like a sober and discreet Templer,—one that will never march beyond the bounds of his allowance, and for our thriving means, thus, I my self will put on the Deceit of a Fortuneteller, a Fortuneteller. And you of a figure-caster, or a Conjurer. Let me alone, I'll instruct you, and teach you to deceive all eyes, but the Devils. Fear not I warrant you; and so by those means we shall help one another to Patients, as the condition of the age affords creatures enough for cunning to work upon. O, fit, fit, excellent. Push, I'll perfect thee, Peter: How now? what's he? Captain Idle. Indeed those are our ancient Enemies; they keep our money in their hands, and make us to be hanged for robbing of they, but come lets follow after to the Prison, and know the Nature of his offence, and what we can steed him in, he shall be sure of; and I'll uphold it still, that a charitable Knave, is better then a soothing Puritaine. Pray turn the key. Then what say you to this device, a happy one Captain? O, I am happy in more slights, and one will knit strong in another—Corporal Oath? And thou old Peter Skirmish, I have a necessary task for you both. I would have you two maintain a quarrel before the Lady Widow's door, and draw your swords i'th edge of to e Evening: clash a lit le, clash, clash. Know you can; And out of that false fire, I doubt not but to raise strange be leefe —and Captain to countenance my device the better, and grace my words to the Widow, I have a good plain Satin suit, that I had of a young Reveller tother night, for words pass not regarded now a days unless they come from a good suit of clothes, which the Fates and my wits have bestowed upon me. Well Captain Idle, if I did not highly love thee, I would never be seen within twelve score of a pris , for I protest at this instant, I walk in great danger of small debts owe more ney to several Hostisses, and you know such lill be upon a men Jack. Fare thee well Captain. Come Corporal and Anci ent? thou shalt hear more news next time we greet thee? By your leave Lady Widow. I parted now from Nicholas: the chains couched, And the old Knight has spent his rage vpont, The widow holds me in great Admira ion' For cunning Art: amongst joys I am 'een lost, For my device can no way now be crossed, And now I must to prison to the captain, and there— O—I spoke truer then I was a beware, I must to prison indeed. Nay use me Like a Gentleman, I'm little less. Nay let Fortune driven all her stings into me, she can not hurt that in me, a Gentleman, is Accidens Inseperabile to my blood. Pray give me so much time as to knit my garter, and I'll a way with you. I am now wretched, and miserable, I shall never recover of this disease: hight Iron gnaw their fists: they have struck a Fever into my shoulder, which I shall never shake out again I fear me, till with a true Habeas Corpus the Sexton remove me, o if I take prison once I shall be pressed to death with Actions, but not so happy as speedily; perhaps I may be forty year a pressing till I be a thin old man, that looking through the grates, men may look through me; all my means is confounded, what shall I do? has my wit served me so long, and now give me the slip (Like a Trained servant) when I have most needs of they: no device to keep my poor carcase from these Puttock's?—yes, happiness, have I a paper about me now? yes too, I'll try it, it may hit, Extremity is Touchstone unto wit, I, I. Happen but true to morrow Almanac, and isle give thee leave to lie all the year after. Why now thou art a good Knave, worth a hundred Brownists. Captain, to entertain a little sport till they come; make him bele we, yowl charm him invisible, hes apt to admire any thing you see let me alone to give force too'te. Oh my nose, again, pray coniur then Captain. Pretty mystery for a beggar, for indeed a hobnail is the true emblem of a beggars shoo-soale; 'As all prisons have, smells of sundry wretcher; Who though departed, leave their sents behind they, By Gold Captain, I am sincerely sorry for thee. Nay prophecy not so ill, it shall go heard' But I'll shift for thy life. Well, I must cast about, some happy slight, Work brain, that ever didst thy Master right? Captain Idle? what's he there? he look; Like a Mon key upward; and a Crane downward. Why the better subject to work a escape upon; thou shalt even change clothes with him, and leave him here, and so; Why do but try the Fopster, and break it to him bluntly. Why, you see he offers his friendship foolishly to you all ready? Corporal, he starts already! Come, let me tell you, ya're too unkind a Kinsman i'faith; the Captain loving you so dearly, I, Like the Pomwater of his eye, and you to be so uncomfortable, fie, fie. No faith, that were to much, to speak truth: why woult thou nim it from him. Why enough bulhe; he shall be content with that, or he shall would none; let me alone with him now! Captain, I would dealt with your Kinsman in a Corner; a good—kind—nam turde fellow, me thinks: go too, you shall not have all your own asking, you shall bore somewhat on he is not contented absolutely as you would say to steal the chain from him,— but to do you a pleasure he will nim it from him. Nay I'll come nearer to you Gentleman? because weel have only but a help and a mirth on't, the knight shall not lose his chain neither, but be only laid out of the way some one or two days? For I have a farther reach to profit us better by the missing on't only, then if we had it outright, as my discourse shall make it known too you?—when thou hast the chain, do but convey it out at backdoor into the Garden, and there hang it close in the Rosemary bank, but for a small season; and by that harmless devise, I know how to wind Captain Idle, out of prison, the Knight thy Master shall get his pardon and release him, & he satisfy thy Master with his own chain & wondrous thanks on both hands. Nay 'tis very necessary thou shouldst know, because thou must be imploide as and Actor? Why as and Intermeddler then? Give me Audience then? when the old Knight thy Mais ter has radge his fill for the lose of the chain, tell him thou hast a Kinsman in prison, of such exquisite Art, that the devil himself is french Lackey to him, and runs bareheaded by his horse—belly (when he has one) whom he will cause with most Yrish Dexterity to fetch his chain, though it hid un der a mine of seacoal, and never make Spade or Picka e his instruments, tell him but this with farther instructions thou shalt receive from me, and thou shoust thy self a Kins man indeed. Why well said, he begins to be and honest fellow faith. Nay Heaven bless me from a Widow, unless I were sure to bury her speedily! Very needful; if you were in private once? Oh Do not load your conscience with untruths, 'Tis but mere folly now to guild hem over: That has passed but for Copper; Praises here, Cannot unbind him there? confess but truth, I know he God his wealth with a hard gripe: O hardly, hardly? He would eat fools and ignorant heirs clean up; And had his drink, from many a poor men brow, Even as their labour brewde it? He would scrape riches to him most unjustly; The very dirt between his ails was Il-got: And not his own,—o I groan to speak on't, the thought makes me shudder?—shudder? There's the devil, there's the devil, true, he thought it Sanctity enough, if he had killed a ma , so tad been done in a Pue, or undone his Neighbour, so ta'd been never y ough to'th Preacher, O;—a Sermon's a fine short cloak of and hour long, and will hide the upper-part of a dissembler,—Church, I, he seem worser all Church, & his continued ̄ science was as hard as the Pulpit! Nay keep in your wonders, till I have told you the for tunes of you all; which are more fearful, if not happily pre vented—for your partly & your daughters, if there be not once this day some bloodshed befo e your door, wheerof the hu main creature die? two of you the elder shall run mad? And with most impudent prostitution show your nam ked bodies to the view of all beholders! Attend me: and your younger daughter be S rocken dumb? Give ear? ere the evening fallen upon, Hill Bog, and Meadow, this my speech shall have passed probation, and then shall I be believed accordingly. But if it so come to pass (as for your fair sakes I wish it may) that this presage of your strange fortu ̄ es be prove ̄ ted by that accide ̄ to of death & bloodshedding which I before told you off: take heed upon ̄ your lives; that two of you which have vowed ne er to marry, seek you out husbands with all present speed and you the third that have such a desire to outstrip chastity, look you meddle not with a husband. Pray do not hand me Cruelly, I'll go, Exet Dogson. Whither you please to have me, Pray at whose suit is this? I know the some to true, yet I presumed, Upon a farther day; well 'tis my stars: And I must bear it now, though never harder. I swear now, my device is crossed indeed. Captain must lie bite: this is Deceits seed. Was it you sir? Stay, stay, stay Iutie, here July thats this month, Sunday thirteen, yester day forteene, to day fifteen. The sixteen day, thats to morrow, the morning for the most partly fair and pleasant. What devils? Why assure you Sir Godfrey, he shall not be brought up, with so little manners to spit and spaule a'th flower. O now it begins again, now, now? now? Captain? Hark hark again Captain? Again! Well said Captain. By and by, I'll step in? Captain? Now I come? So, so, so, I'll release thee, enough Captain, enough, allow us some time to laugh a little, they're shuddering and shaking by this time, as if and Earthquake were in their kid neyes. All's passed now,—oncly to reveal that the chains ith Garden where thou knowest it has lain these two days. Fear not Captain, you must put it to'th venture now Nay 'tis time, call upon e'm, take pity on e'm, for I believe some off they are in a pitiful case by this time. What are the Brides stirring? may we steall upon they thinkest thou Master Edmond. Alas poor Master Edmond. All will out. The Sting of every evil is within me. Base Soldier to reueall us. My memory greets me happily with and admi rabble subject to graze upon. The Lady-widow, who of late I saw weeping in her Garden for the death of her Hus band, sure she as but a waterish soul, and hall e on't by this time is dropped out of her Lies: device well manage may do good upon her: it stands firm, my first practi e shall be there? Sh'as a grey Gall to her Brother, a fool to her only son, and and Ape to her youngest Daughter;—I over herd they severally, and from their words I'll derive my device; and thou old Peter Skirmish shall be my second in all slights. A suitor no I protest Lady? if you de give me your self Idem not be troubled with you. Sfoot Captain speak somewhat for shame; it lightens & thunders before thou wilt begin, why when? Oh no, pray let they stay, for what I have to speak impor teth equally to them as to you? I pray bestow on me a serious ear, For what I speak is full of weight and fear? I ift pass unregarded, and uneffected, Else peace and joy:—I pray Attention? Widow? I have been a mere stranger for these parts that you live in, nor did I ever know the Husband of you, and Fa there of them, but I truly know by certain spiritual Intelli gence, that he is in Putgatorie? Well Lady, in cold blood I speak it, I assure you that there is a Purgatory, in which place I know your husband to recide and wherein he is Like to remain, till the dissolution of the world, till the last general Bonfire: when all the earth shall melt into nothing. And the Seas scalde their finny labourers: so long is his abidance, unless you altar the property of your purpose, together with each of your Daughters theirs, that is, the purpose of single life in your self and your eldest Daugh ter, and the speedy determination of marriage in your youngest. You see she tells you I, for she says nothing. Nay give me credit as you please, I am a stranger to you, and and yet you see I know your determinations, which must come to me Metaphysically, and by a supernatural intelligence. The breach of this keeps your father in Purgatory, and the punishments that shall follow you in this world, would with horror kill the Ear should hear 'e related. Ladies, though I be a Fortuneteller, I cannot better For tunes, you have they from ̄ me as they are revealed to me: I would they were to your tempers, and fellows with your bloods, that's all the bitterness I would you. I wish you to be-thinke your selves, and leauem. It's enough Lady, I wish no higher. So all this comes well about yet, I play the Fortuneteller, as well as if I had had a Witch to my Grannam: for by good happiness, being in my Hostisses Garden, which neigh bours the Orchard of the Widow, I laid the hold of mine ear to a hold in the wall, and herd they make these vows, & speak those words upon which I wrought these advantages; and to encourage my forgery the more, I may now perceive in they a nam urall simplicity which will easily swallow and abuse, if any continued uering be over it: and to confirm my former presage to the Widow, I have aduizde old Peter Skirmis the Soldier, to hurt Corporal Oath upon the Leg, and in that hurry I'll rush amongst they, and in stead of giving the Corporal some Cordial to come fort him, I'll power into his mouth a potion of a sleepy Nature, to make him seem as dead; for the which the old soldier be king apprehended, and ready to be born to execution, I'll step in, & take upon me the cure of the dead man, upon pain of die king the condemneds death: the Corporal will wake at his mi nute, when the sleepy force has wrought it self, and so shall I get my self into a most admired opinion, and under the pretext of that cunning, beguile as I see oc asion: and if that foolish Nicholas Saint Tantlings keep true time with the chain, my plot will be found; the Captain delivered, and my wits applau dead among scholars and soldiers for ever. How now, for shame, for shame, put up, put up. O peace now—I have a Cordial here to comfort thee. I'll not be seen among em now. So All lights as I would wish, the amazed widow, Will plant me strongly now in her belief, And wonder at the virtue of my words: For the event turns those presages from em Of being mad and dumb, and begets joy Mingled with admiration: these empty creatures, Soldier and Corporal were but ordained, As instruments for me to work upon, Now to my patient, here's his potion. Troth Seriant I protest, you could never would took me at a worse time, for now at this instant, I have no lawful picture about me. We are but a little passed it, the next street behind us. Troth if it will sum ice, it shall be all among you, for my p rt isle not pocket a penny, my hostis e shall have her four pound five shillings, and bore me the five pence, and the other fteene shillings I'll spend upon you. A few friends here?—pray is the Gentleman your mai ster within. I, he knows it, when he see's me: I pray you have you forgotten me. We will attend his worship,—worship I think, for so much the Posts at his door should signify, and the fair come ming in, and the wicket, else I neither knew him nor his wor ship, but it's happiness he is within doors, what so ere he be, if he be not too much a formal Citizen, he may do me good: Seriant and Yeoman, how do you Like this house, is't not most wholesomely plotted? Yet I wonder how he should forget me, for he never knew me: No matter, what is forgotten in you will be remem bred in your Master. A pretty comfortable room this me thinks: You have no such rooms in prison now? Dog-holes indeed—I can tell you I have great hope to have my Chamber here shortly, nay and diet too, for he's the most free-hartedst Gentleman where he takes: you would little think it? and what a fine Gallery were here for me to walk and study, and make verse , Look what maps, and pictures, and devices, and things, neatly deli ately? mass here he comes, he should be a Gentle man, I Like his Beard well;—All happiness to your worship. I have the thing here for you sir. I beseech you conceal me sir, Ime undone else,—I have he Mask here for you sir, Look you sir,—I beseech your worship first to pardon my rudeness, for my extremes makes me boulder then I would be; I am a poor Gentleman and a Scholar, and now most unfortunately fallen into the angs of unmerciful officers, arrested for debt, which though small, I am not able to compass, by reason Ime destitute of lands, money, and friends, so that I I fallen into the hungry swallow of the prison, I am Like utterly to perish, and with fees and extortions be pinched clean to the bone: Now, if ever pity had interest in the blood of a Gentleman, I beseech you vouchsafe but to favour that means of my escape, which I have already thought upon. In the plunge of my extremities, being giddy, and doubtful what to do; at last it was put into my labouring thoughts, to make happy use of this paper, and to blear their unlettered eyes, I told them there was a Device for a Mask drawn int', and that (but for their interception,) I was go king to a Gentleman to receive my reward for't: they greedy at this word, and hoping to make purchase of me, offered their attendance, to go along with me, my hap was to make bold with your door Sir, which my thoughts showde me the most fairest and comfortablest entrance, and I hope I have happened right upon understanding, and pity: may it please your good Worship then, but to uphold my Device, which is to let one of your men put me out at backdoor, and I shall be bound to your worship for ever. I'll follow your good Worship,— You herd how he liked it now? This entlemen I may well call a partly Of my salvation, in these earthly evils, For he has saved me from three hungry Devils. O Captain, I thought we should never would laughed again, never spent frolic hour again. Arrested, guess, guess, how many Dogs do you think Idem upon me? Almost as many as George Stone the Bea e, Three at once, three at once. The time is busy, and calls upon our wits, let it suffice, Here I stand safe, and escaped by miracle, Some other hour shall tell thee? when weel steep Our eyes in laughter: Captain my device Leans to thy happiness, for ere the day Be spent toth' G rdle, thou shalt be set free, The Corporal's in his first sleep the Chain is missed, Thy Kinsman has expressed thee, and the old Knight With Pali y-hams now labours thy release, What rests, is all in thee, to Coniu e Captain. Nay tell not me of that Captain, yowl never conjure after your hanged, I warrant you look you ir, a perilous matter? sure, first to spread your circle upon the ground, then with a little con iuring ceremony, as I'll have and Hackney-mans wand siluerd over a purpose for you, then a riving in the circle, with a huge word, and a great to mple as for instance: have you never seen a stal king-stamping Player, that will raise a tempest with his tongue, and thunder with his heals? Why be Like such a one, for any thing will blea e the old Knights eyes, for you must note that heel never dare to venture into the room, only perhaps peep fearfully through the Key hold, to see how the Play goes forward. Puh, thats but the babe of a man, and may easily be hushed, as to think upon some disaster, some sad misfortune, as the death of thy Father ithe Country! Puh, any fustian invocations Captain will serve as well as the best, so you rant them out well, or you may go to a Po thecaries shop, and take all the words from the Boxes. A true Devil, Captain, why there was never such a one, nay faith he that has this place, is as false a Knave as our last Churchwarden. He's come, he's come. Master Edmond —are you not a Welshman sir? Because Master is your Christian name, and Edmond your sir name? Now must I close secretly with the Soldier, prevent his impatience, or else all's discovered? Mum,—Gentles all, vouchsafe me audience, and you especially Master S iffe: Yond man is bound to , Because he wounded this that now lies coffind? But under avour Master Sheriff, if this man had been cured and safe again, he should have been released then? Then I release him freely, and will take upon me the death that he should die, if within a little season, I do not cure him to his proper health again. Love you me; then for your sweet sake I'll doo't: Let me entreat the corpse to be set down. I pray bestow the freedom of the air, upon our whole some Art, — mass, his cheeks begin to receive natural warmth: nay good Corporal wake betime, or I shall have a longer sleep then you,—Sfoot if he should prove dead indeed now, he were fully revenged upon me for making a property on him, yet I had rather run upon the Ropes, then have the Rope Like a Tetter run upon me, o—he stirs—he stirs again—look Gentlemen, he recovers, he starts, he rises. Nay pray be still; yowl make him more giddy else, — he knows no body yet. Nay I knew he would swear the first thing he did, as soon as ever he came to his life again. Lady, you must needs take a little pity of him i'faith, and send him in to your Kitchen fire. O? O uff; How now? Captain, whose that justled me? Nor I widow Endure to flatter. No, Lady, 'tis but the induction too'te, You may believe my strains, I strike all true? And if your conscience would leap up to your tongue, your self would affirm it, and that you shall perceive I know of things to come; as well as I do of what is present, a Brother of your husbands shall shortly have a lose! I could would wished i'faith, that you had took me half and hour hence for your own sake, for I protest if you had not crossed me, I was going in great joy to receive five pound of a Gentleman, for the Device of a Mask here, drawn in this pa per but now, come I must be contented, 'tis but so much lost, and answerable to the rest of my Fortune's. Why every fool knows that Captain: nay then I'll not cog with you Captain, if yowl stay and hang the next Seffi ons you may. But if you look to be released, as my wits have took pain to work it, and all means wrought to farther it, beside to put crowns in your purse, to make you a man of better Hope's, and where as before you were a Captain or poor Soldier, to make you now a Commander of rich fools, (which is truly the only best purchase peace can allow you) safer then Hig-wayes, Heath, or Cunny-groues, and yet a far better booty; for your greatest thieves are never hanged, never hanged, for why they're wise, and cheat within doors, and we geld fools of more money in one night, then your false tailde Gelding will pur chase in a twelvemonths running, which confirms the old Beldames saying, he's wisest, that keeps himself warmest, that is, he that robs by a good fire. Captain Idle, 'tis no time now to delude or delay, the old Knight will be here suddenly, I'll perfect you, direct you, till you the trick on't: 'tis nothing. Why then think upon going to hanging else. May I partake your name sir. I, I, that I will,—look Sergeants here are Maps, and prit tie toys, be doing in the mean time, I shall quickly have told out the money, you know. The same that I should be Captain. I coming to prepare thee, and with news As happy as thy quick delivery, Was traced out by the sent, arrested Captain. Sfoot Captain, I'll pawn my life the Corporals coffind, and old Skirmish the soldier going to execution, & it's now full about the time of his walking; hold out a little longer sleepy potion, and we shall have exlent admiration; for I'll take upon me the cure of him. The Devil of conjuring nay by my faith, Idem not have thee do so much Captain as the Devil a conjuring: look here, I would brought thee a circle ready characterd and all. Oh cry you mercy ? Puh, be't not in your care, Leave that to me and my directions; Well Captain doubt not thy delivery now, E 'en with the vantage man, to gain by prison, As my thoughts prompt me: hold on brain and plot, I aim at many cunning far events, All which I doubt not but to hit at length, I'll to the Widow with a quaint assault, Captain be merry. Heres the fifteen day—hight and fair. But about hye-none-lighning and thunder. Arch-conjurer, what wouldst thou with me? Faith ma ster Edmond 'tis but your conceit, woult believe me Captain, better then any Conjurer, for here was no harm in this, and yet their horrible expectati on satisffied well, you were much beholding to thunder & light ning at this time it gram st you well I can tell you? Blutt, blutt theirs nothing remains to put thee to pain now Captain.