ROGER

Yes, mistress, he will come: but pray resolve Me one thing for my long service; What Business have you with the Churchman? Is it to make your Will, or to get you a new Husband? Then I would desire you to remember me, Mistress, I have served you long, and that's the best Service to a woman: make a good Will if you Mean to die, that it may not be said, Though Most women be long lived, yet they all die With and ill-will. Why then remember your self mistress; Take heed how you give away the head; It stands yet upon the shoulders of Your widowhood; the loving embracing Ivy Has yet the upper place in the house; If you give it to the Holly, take heed, There's pricks in Holly; or if you fear not The pricks, take heed of the wands, you Cannot have the pricks without the wands; You give away the sword, and must defend Your self with the scabbard; these are pretty Instructions of a friend; I would be loath to See you cast down, and not well taken up. I will first give him a caveat, to use you As kindly as he can. If you find my mistress Have a mind to this coupling at barleibreak, Let her not be the last couple to be left in hell. If she have a mind to a fresh husband, or So, use her as well as you can; let her enter Into as easy bans as may be. Oh mistress, where are you? I think you are the fortunatest Woman, that ever breathed of two shoes: the thief is Found. Bring him away Jug; nay, you shall see the strangest Piece of felony discovered that ever you saw, Or your great grandmothers Grandam before, or after, A pirate, a water thief. Bring him away Jug; yet the villain would not Confess a word till it was found about him. Did you not loose your wedding Ring the other day? No; well, thank him that brings it Home then; and will ask nothing for his pains. You see this Sammon? It cost but six pence: but had the Fisher known The worth of it, 'twould have cost you forty shillings. Is not this your Ring? Your maid Joan examining this Sammon, that she Bought in the Market, found that he had swallowed This Gudgeon. Alas, blame not the poor fish, mistress, he being a fleg, matique Creature, took Gold for Restorative. He took it fair, And he that gets Gold, let him eat Gold. Now do I see the old proverb come to pass; Give a woman luck, and cast her into sea: There's many a man would wish his wife good Luck, on that condition he might throw her Away so. But mistress, there's one within would Speak with you, that vexes as fast against Crosses, as you do against good luck. I'll tell her so for my own credits sake. I had rather help you to a close, stool, An't please you. There was some pleasure ere you came to that. That could be but little grief. But it may be he has not that should please her. We have hunted well, mistress; do you not see The hare's in sighed? Nay, I'l be sworn upon a book of Callico for that. Then you do wrong, Sir, for you take money for him: What woman can have a husband, but you must Have custom for him? and often the beware proves Nought too not worth the Impost. Nay, at the second hand you'll have a fee too; You fell in the Church, and they bring him again To your Churchyard, you must have tollage: Me thinks if a man die whither you will or no, He should be buried whither you would or no. Mistress make him your friend, for he knows what rate Good husbands are at; if there hath been a dearth Of women of late, you may chance pick Out a good prize; but take heed of a Clerk. Mistress, it's fasting day to day, there's nothing but fish. Marry there is Sammon, Pike, and fresh Cod, Soles, Maids, and Plaice. Nay mistress, I'll help him too; the maids shall first Dress the Pike, and the Cod, and then I'll dress The maids in the place you wot on. You have had two husbands to my knowledge; And if you had not one joyful hour between Both, I would you were hanged faith. That was a tedious time indeed. I, cursed widows are; but if they had all stiff husbands To tame'm, they be quiet enough. I care not if I do mistress, now my stomach's ready; Yet I'll stay a little and be but to vex you. I will not go yet. Nay then I'll go to vex you. Nay Sir, you do wrong to give a woman so many lies, She had rather have had twice so many standings, than One lie. Little less I promise you, if you lie with him. You may talk with me Sir, in the mean time. I do forbid the Banes: Alas poor Shagragge, My Mistress does but gull him; you may Imagine it to be TO welfe-day at night, and the Bean found in the corner of your Cake, but 'Tis not worth a fetch I'l assure you. You love to be merry Mistress; Come, come, we him four Farthings, and let him go. He'l pray for his good Dame, and be drunk; Why, if your blood does itch that way, we'll Stand together; how think you? I think here the sweeter bit, you see this Nap, and you See this Louse, you may crack of your choice, If you choose here. I will make black Monday of this: e'r I suffer This disgrace, the kennel shall run with blood and rags, I have nothing to say to you, Sir; I aim at your Uncle That's all one, I'l take him as I find him: I'l make you seek your fingers among the Dogs, If you come to me; my Fellow? You lousy Companion; I scorn thee. 'Sfoot, is't come to this? Have I stood all this while to my Mistress, and honest, Handsome, plain-dealing, serving-Creature; and she to Marry a Worson Tittere Tu Tattere with never a good rag About him? Stand thou to me, and be my friend; and since My Mistress has forsaken me: 'Twas well you came in good time. I was goingthe wrong way. Dost not thou know the reason of that? why, 'twas To save my belly: dost thou think I am so mad to Cast my self away for e'r a woman of'm all, I'l see him hanged first. Well, since there is no remedy, O tears be you my friend! I cannot choose; nay I will steep Mine eyes in crying tears, and crying weep. The Good man of the house is within forsooth. It's hard of digestion: Yes, my Master is within; He Master's you therefore I must be Content: You have longed for Crosses a good While, and now you are Like to be Farther off them than e'r you were; For I'm afraid, your good husband will leave You never a cross i'th' house to bless you with. Where he has mistaken the place a little, Being his wedding-day; he is in nomine, When he should be in re. In your Countinghouse; If he were a kind Husband, he would have been in another Countinghouse by this time: he's tumbling Over all his money bags yonder; you shall Hear of him in the bowling Alley again. Look where he comes. Now you may see what hasty matching is; You had thought to have been vexed, and now You cannot: You have married a husband, That, Sir reverence of the title, now being my Master in law, I do think he'll prove the miserablest, covetous Rascal, that ever beat beggar from his gate. But It's no matter; time was when you were fairly Offered, if you would have took it; you might have had Other matches y'faith, if it had pleased you; and those That would have crossed you; I would have sold away All that ever you had had; have kept two or three Whores at livery under your nose; have turned you out In your smock, and have used you Like a woman; where As now, if you'd hang your self, you can have none of These blessings: but it's well enough, now you must Take what follows. Marry mistress here are two creatures S e able to make one man, desires to speak With you. Nay, I know that already; the one is a Thing that was pluc'd into the World, by the head and shoulders to be Wondered at, and it's called a knight; the other Is a coach-horse of the same over-ridden raze; And that's a foolish Gentleman. And they be loath to keep their beds i'th'counter Mistress; they are afraid of Sergeants, Master Lambskin, Knows that Mace is a binder. I, you have been a lose liver always, It's time to look to you. Do you not smell Poultry beware, Sir Godfry? Here's my master now Gentlemen. You should be a Calf by your white face. I'll make them drink if they will; come Gallants empty your bags, and I'l bombast Your bellies; this lean Gentleman looks As if he had no lining in' guts, I could Take him by the leg and hurl him into The dog-house.