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Full speech
Dainty Hypocrite. The witty man, the pretty man, the singing man, he has the dantiest ditty, so full of pith, so full of spirit, as they say. Old ends, I am sure they are new beginnings with me. By six 'th morning forsooth, he to ke me for Marry Ploodhound, having it seems, never seen any on's be before, and I being something amorously affected, as they say to his Welch ditties, answered to her name, lay with him all night, and married him this morning, so that as he took me for her, I took him as he was forsooth. O fie upon him Mistress, I thought he had begun to ask you blessing. Alas, never a wench in town could doo't he's so nimble, I had no sooner opened the door, but he thrust in ere I was aware. Enter Alex. He makes at you forsooth. Nay, nay, I know not, but there is one of them I am sure worth looking after. O John, Master Randall, John. Alas, the sighed on's eyes enough to sing my little May denhead, I shall never be able to endure him. Yes forsooth. Yes forsooth: Alas, I shall be hanged for staying so long for this Cuff. Let the Constable come before me and he please. With one Mistress Wag in Blackfriars, next to the sign of the Feathers and the Fool sir. Master Randall. They knew me, and let me pass. If John have not told him, I'll be hanged. How Father? this is a mistake sure, and to fa shion it fit for mine own following, I will both question and answer in ambiguities, that if he snap me any way, I may make my self good ith tother, and as he shall disco ver himself, I'll pursue the conceit accordingly: but will ye not deceive me, many minds are many men's Alma nacks, the dates of your desire's out, we serve for nothing but to light Tobacco. And it's but venturing a maidenhead, if the worst come to the worst, it may come back with and vantage. Exit. No forsooth. Yes forsooth. O Mistress, Mistresie. A man, a man under your bed Mistress. Alas, I had no power to speak, his very looks are able to make a woman stand as still as a Millers horse when he's lading, o he comes, he comes. Exit. For my Mistress Ruff, at her Sempstris Sir, she must needs use it to morrow, and that made me stay till 'twas done. A neat man, a proper man, a welfavoured man, a would ome man.
Plot summary
Plot — A Match at Midnight
Old Bloodhound is training his younger son Tim in the family pawnbroking business, since Alexander, the elder son, is a drunken wastrel. He intends to marry his daughter Mary to the informer Earlack, even though she prefers Ensign Young, while he himself will marry the young widow Wag. The widow has other suitors, including her servant Jarvis, but wants to get rid of them. She arranges a midnight assignation with Old Bloodhound, intending not to turn up. Jarvis arranges a substitute, and tells Bloodhound that his mistress has come incognito and must be addressed as Mistress Coot; in fact it really is a Mistress Coot, an old bawd, whom Bloodhound takes home that night in preparation for a wedding the next morning. Meanwhile, Mary plans to elope with Young that ' night, retrieving his mortgage from her father’s papers. 1622 The widow's Welsh suitor, Randall, hears about Mary and, though he has never met her, decides he prefers her to Wag. The servant Sim fixes Randall up with an assignation that night, but he ends up encountering Wag's maid, who is returning from a late errand and who also happens to be named Mary. Tim visits the tavern to give Alexander some pawn- money, and becomes enamoured of Sue Shortheels, thinking her a lady of noble descent. In fact, she is a prostitute. Alexander gets into the widow’s bedroom and hides under her bed, then forces her to agree to marry him by threatening to undress just as neighbours appear to be arriving. The various wedding plans unravel in the morning. Earlack has sneaked the opportunity to sleep with the widow — who is really Coot the bawd and a somewhat less desirable prospect in bed once seen in daylight. Meanwhile, Tim has married Sue, not knowing her true profession until it is too late, and Mary has married Young, to the dismay of Randall, who finds that he has accidentally married a servant. Only Alexander seems on course for the wedding he wants, until the widow points out that Jarvis has a prior claim: when he tried to seduce her months ago, she demanded that he should prove himself by living in her household as her servant. Now, however, she intends to honour her dead husband by never remarrying. Jarvis reveals his true identity: he is Wag himself, the widow’s husband, still alive, and satisfied that his ruse has proven his wife’s fidelity.