WILL SOMERS

Out of my way old Hary, I am all on the spur, I can tell ye, I have tidings worth telling. Oh I, the very foot path, but yet Irid the horse way to here it, I warrant there is never a Cundhead kee perin London ̄ , but knows what is done in all the Courts in Christendom Nay, my Lord you'd laugh, if't were so indeed, for every body thinks if the Pope were dead; you gape for a benefice, but this news my Lord is called too good to be true. For, it at Billingsgate by Saturday Mor ning, it a full Moon, and it came up in a spring tide. No there is other news that was told me, among the we men at a back house, and that is this, they say, the great Bell in gla ssenberie. Tor has told twice, and that king Arthur, and his Knights of the round Table that were buried in Armour, are alive again, cry king Saint Gorge for England, and mean shortly to conquer Room, marry this is thought to be but a moral, Well then, now I see there is loud lies told in London But also on for their coming's to as much purpose as the other: I'll make him cry as fast anon I hold a penny. No byr'lady, my Lord, I was with him too lately already, his fist is too heavy for a fool to stand under, I went to him last night, after you had left him, seeing him chase so at Charles, here to make him merry; and he gave me such a box on the ear, that stroke me clean through three chambers, down four pair of stairs, fell over five barrels, into the bottom of the seller, and if I had not well lickard my self there, I had never lived after it. Will you my Lord, and isle venture another box on the ear but isle do it. So la, now the watch words given, nay and he once cry would, near a man in the court dare for his head speak again, lie close cousin Patch. Not too fast, I pray, least will Summers here be seen again, I know his qualities as well as the best and you: for ever when he's angry, and no body dare speak to him, you thrust me in by the head and shoul dears, and then we fallen to buffits, but I know who has the worst ant: but go, my Lord, stand aside, and stir not till I call ye, let my cousin Patch and I alone, and he go to boxing, wele fallen both upon him, thats cer tain: but and the worst come, be sure the Cardinals fool shall pay fort. I'll know whither you have done knocking first, my cousin pach looks pitifully, you had best be friends with us I can tell you, weel scare you out of your skin else All the better cousin and your head fallen a singing, your feet may fallen a dancing & so save charges to the piper: To make thee leave thy melancholy and turn merry man a gain, thou hast made all the Court in such a pitiful case as passes, the Lords has attended here this our days, and none dares speak to thee, but thou art ready to chop of their heads sort: and now I seeing what a fretting fury thou continuest in, and every one said twol'd kill thee if thou keepest it, pulled eene up my heart, and vowed to lose my head, but isle make thee leave it, No, and he and I can defend our selves we care not, For we are sure the faith can. Law sir, you see heres egress enough, Now follow me, & you shall see weel have regress back again, I beesech ye sir. My bloods up still. Sownes king Harry. Sownes I shall to Tyb rne presently. Foregod ye broke my head most gallantly. And your grace will give me leave, I e put it up and go my wai S presently. I thank ye cousin, and when you come to the court, I'll bring you to the King again, ye know cousin, he gave ye and angel. I thank your grace, I hard say your Lordship had made two new Lords here, and so the two old fools are come to wait on them. Ye never knew fool a flatterer I warrant ye. If you should die, theres none would cry, though your neck should break. A halter and a rope, for him that would be pope, Against all right and reason. Marry my Lord, they say the King must be married this morning. Why to my Lady Catherin Parry, I was once by, when he was wooing on her, and then I doubted they would go to gether shortly. We have but a little wit between us already cousin, and so we should have none at all. Content, and then eth morning weel but wet them with and other cup more, and thaile shave Like a razor all day after. Come close good cuzze, let no body go with us, least they be drunk before us, for fools are innocents, and must be accessary to no men overthrow. 'Tis not your fool my Lord I warrant you. I Kate, as well as any Cou tire he keeps: I had rather he should have the poor prayers, then the Popes. Well, and when the Pope is at best, he is but Saint Peters deputy, but the poor, present Christ, and therefore should be something better regarded. Would the King wood whip thee and all the Popes whelps out of England once, for between ye, ye have racked and pulled it so, we shall be all poor shortly, you have had four hundred threescore pound within this three year for smoke pence, you have smoakte it i'faith: dost hear Harry, next time they gather them, let them take the chimneys, and leave the coin behind them, we have clay enough to make brick, though we want silver mines to make money. So, theres one served: I think you would take two more with all your heart, so you were well rid on him. He is gone with a fl a in his ear: But has left his Mes sage behind with my Lord Dudley, here. Nay boy, and you cry yowl spoil your eye sighed, come, continued e truss up your hose, you must hold fast your wind, both before and behind, and blow your nose. Why for the mote in thine eye, is there not wone in't, wherefore dost thou cry else? Dost thou cry for that? nay then I smell a Rat, the Prince has played the Trewant to day, and his Tutors has drawn blood of thy buttocks fort: why boy 'tis honoura ble to be whipped for a Prince. I, for isle be sworn thy breech lies ith Hazard a bout it, but look little Ned, yonder he comes. I by my troth, he is now but a Knight under For ma papris, for a Knight without living is no better than and ordinary Gallant. Now if your Tutors come to whip you, you may choose whither yowl untruss byth order of arms. If they do, he shall make thee a Lord, and then they dare not. All void the room, theres but Scholars and Fools. Then a woman's a beast, for she's no man. Then a Fools no beast, for he has but two. Mum Ned, no words, I'll be as still as a small bag pipe. Thats certain a louse has six. Not a word more as I am William. Thats a lie, a Cuckold has. Marry I rise arly, and ride post to London, to know what news was here at Court. Why dost thou think thy sister such a fool, to marry such and oh worser worser es veneris, he get her with Prince? I, when either I, or the Cardinal prove Pope, and that will never be, I hope: Run fool your master will be felled else. Law Cousin, did not I say he'll make much on you, Nay then, I shall have two new coats and cap pes, for Charles Brandon promised me one before, to per form this enterprise: Childish to a man of valour, when thou shouldst have born thy Buckler here, thou lettest it fallen to thy knee, thou gavest me a wipe, but it mere chance: but had we not been parted, I had taught you a little School play I warrant you. Not a word more, if thou love thy life, unless e thou confess all, and speak fair. And for that speech, they have declynde it upon his breech. Nay byr'lady, the better the rod is, it's the worse for him, that's certain: but do 'st hear me, boy; since he can prove a r dde to be so good, let him tak't himself next time. What, wilt thou knight him, Ned? Oh brave! he looks Like the mirror of knight hood already. Clear the presence, Gentlemen, the King is coming. I come to learn my qui que quod to keep me from the rod: mar here's one was whipped in pudding time for he ha got a knighthood about it: look old Harry, doe's he not look more furious then he was wont. He cannot compare with his son though, if he were right donsal delphebus, or the very knight of the Sun him self, yet this knight shall unhorse him. Marry I he last Actium, I can assure you, there was hight service, and some on um came so near him, they had Like to smelled ont: but when all was done, the poor gentleman was pitifully wounded in the back parts, as may appear by the scar, if his k ightship would but unt usse there. That did Ned here: and he has earned it too, for I am sure, this two year he has been lashed, for his learning. I, I my Lord, never set your wit to the fools, Will Sum mers will be secret now, and say nothing, if I would be a blab of my tongue, I could tell the King how many barrels full of gold and silver there was six times filled with plate and jewels, twenty great to uncks with Crosses, Crosiers, Copes, Miters, Maces, golden Crucifixes, beside the four hundredth and twelve thou sand pound that poor Chi neys paid for Peeter pence. But this is nothing, for when you are Pope, you may pardon your self for more n very en this comes to. Good news for you my Lord Cardinal, for one of the old women Waterbearers told me for certain, that last Friday all the bells in Room Rang backward, there was a thousand Derges sung, six hundred ave Mary's said, every man washed his face in holy water, the peopel crossing and blessing themselves to send them a new Pope, for the old is gone to purgatory. No, nor he me, but I saw his picture with nerva tooth the head out, and all his beard as well favoured as a white rost, but it is no matter, if he have her, he will die shortly, and then she may help to but y him, I'll out of their company Harry, they will scratch worse then cats, if they catch me, therefore I'll hence and leave them, God boy Ladies do you hear Madam Marry, you had need to be wary, my news is worth a white-cake, you must play at tennis with old Saint Dennis, and your maidenhead mustlye at the stake. I my Lord, all the fools follow you, I come to bid my cousin Patch welcome to the court, and when I come to York house, he'll do as much for me, will ye not Patch? And I tell him any thing let him hang me: but for thy self, I think if a fat purse come ith way, thou wouldst not refuse it. Therefore leave the Court and shark with me, I tell thee, I am chief commander of all the Stews, theres not a whore shifts a smock but by my privilege, nor oh pens her shop before I have my weekly tribute: And to assure thee my valour carries credit with it, do but walk with me through the streets of London, and let me see the proudest watch disturb us. Beth Lord, your Majesties the best sword and buckler man in Europe, you lie as close to your wards, carry your point as fair, that no Fencer comes near you for gallant Fence-play. The wars sweet King, 'tis my delight, my desire, my chair of state create me but a attord Corporal, and give me S me prehemine e over the vulgar hot-shots, and I Beatrice them not forward to as brave attempts, and march my self I that Vanguard as ere carried against a Castle wall, break my head in two places more, and consume me with the mouth of a dou ble c luering, I e live and die with thee sweet King. God ble see your majesty, isle go drink to your health. No indeed, my cousin Patch here is something too square to be set on your shoe, marry and yowl wear him on your shoulder, the fool shall ride ye. About your fair Leman at Charlt n my Lord, I re member. Your Lords mad, till he be at the wedding, it mar well the King stole it so secretly and ner told him ont, but alls one, if he be married, let him play with his Queen to night, and then to morrow heel call for me, that res no fool tooth will full still. What shall we do cousin? I and watch him too, or let him never trust me: but dost hear Harry, because Idem have thee have the poors prayers, I have brought thee some petitions, the F years and Priests pray too, but I think us as children say grace, more for fashion then herd, because they beg for Godsake, therefore I prithee dispatch them. And y had said so but thou Harry, Idem have told him a lyde, he never killed but one, thou kildst the tothe : for and thou hadst hanged him for the first, the two last had been alive still. Give me I again, It shall never be seen more I assure you and I had known tad come for that purpose, It should never have been brought for W l I warrant ye. Do not you think so my Lord, nor stomach no bo die about it: ye know what the old Pro herb sai S, therefore be patient great quarrellers small credit wins: When fools set stools, and wise men break their shins: therefore think not on it, for I'll fit down by thee Kate and say nothing, for here comes one to be examined. I, I, & that was the cause of my riding to know what they came for, I was told it all at a Barbars. Marry they say he comes to crave thy aid against the great Turk that vows to overrun all France within this fortnight, he's in a terrible rage belik, & they say, the reason is, his old God Ma met that was buried ith top on's Church at Meca, his Tomb fell down, and killed a Sow and seven Pigs, whereupon they think all swines flesh is new sanctified, and now it is thought the Jews will fallen to eating of pork extremely after it. I'll be wise and say little I warrant thee, and therefore till I see m come, I'll go talk with the Queen; how dost thou lane, sir ra. Harry, she looks very big upon me, but I care not, and she bring thee a young Prince, Will summer's may hap's be his fool, when ̄ you two are both dead and : I think to Harry, thou hast pressed her often: I am sure this two years she has sern'd under thy sta ̄ dard. No. no, I warra ̄ to thee Jane, make hast & dispatch this That thou mayest have another against next Christmas I, I'll be his surety: but do you hear wenches, she that brings the first tidings how soever it fallen out lot her be sure to say the Child Like the father or else she shall have no hing. I, In any case, or I cannot drink it, dost thou hear Harry, what a coil they keep: I warrant, these women will drink thee up more wine, with their gossipping, then was spent in all the Condu its at thy Coronation. Let them speak lo then, I'll not out of the room, sure, Thrust me, nay and you go to thrusting, isle thrust some of you down I warrant you: So do and fear nothing, for and thou Wertenberg the devil himself, he'll conjure thee I warrant thee, I would not have such a conjuring for twenty crowns: but when ̄ he has made way, isle make him merry enough, I doubt it not, so so now cossen look to your Coxecomb: No cossen now he's coniur ng. I dare not come near him. Where art thou cousin, alas poor fool, he's crept under the table, up cousin, fear nothing, the storms passed, I warrant thee. No, no, he sits, we are all friends now, The Lords are gone to dinner, and thou and I must wait at the kings table. Foe, he did but jest with him, but isle tell the cousin the rarest trick to be revenged ast passes, and isle give thee this fine silk point and thou'lt do it. I'll stand behind the post here, and thou shalt go softly stealing behind him, as he sits reading yonder, and when thou comest to him, cryboh, and wele scar him so, he shall not tell where to rest him. No, no, for then isle show my self, and after he sees who 'tis he'll la e and be as merry as a mag pie, and thow't be a man by it, for all the house shall see him hug thee in his arms, dandle thee up and down with hand & foot and thou Wertenberg a footebal, Because isle have him have the first fruits of thy fury. I know how the matter stood with the next that disturbed thee, therefore I kept ith rearward, that if the battle grew too hight, I might run presently, He's enne creeping as never the door as he can, Heel feign begun I see, and he could get out, Woe ldest thou not cousin? Come, isle help thee out then, dost thou hear my Lord Cardinal, your fool is in a pitiful taking, he smells terribly. I come to bid thee and thy new Queen Godmorrow. Look to him Kate least he cozen thee, provide civil Oren ges enough, or heel have a Lemon shortly. I think so my Lord, as long as will live, the Cardi nals fool must give way to the kings fool: No, no, never fear hun Harry, he haz God More by the journey, heel be Pope shortly. No more I am not Harry, for yonder is Patch behind me, I could never get him before me, since thou coniurst him i'th great chamber, all the horse i'th town cannot hawle him into thy presence I warrant thee. Not for the world, he stand watching at the door. He'll not stir while the Cardinal come; Then the fool will follow him every where. Namy Lord, I am more beholding unto you, I thank your fool for it, we have ransakled your wine sellers since you went into France: Do you blush my Lord? nam, thats nothing, you have wine there, is able to set a colour in any men face I warrant it. Better then thine I'll be sworn, I'll take but two handfuls of his wine, and it shall fill four hogs heads of thine (look here else) Mor devil; is't not? for without continued king, you could never do it: But I pray you my Lord call upon Mor dieu no longer, but speak plain English, you have deceived the king in French and Latin long enough a conscience. Fair weather after ye: Well, and ere he come to be Pope, I shall be plunged for this. Queen William, you have angered the Cardinal I can tell you. I am looking round about the Emperor, me thinks ti a for though he have seen more fools then I, yet I never saw no more Emperors but him. Law fool of me, tell ye. Will summer's is known far and near ye see. Content my Lord, I am for you all, come but one I war nt you Madam. A wench , was found in you bed, beside the Q eene. Within this hour, she pi to full Sour, & let a fart. Who comes next then? Heeres will and warn your blood. She that puddings fills, when must keep her nos . Lord bless us, whats here to do now, 'Tis well the Kings a widower, and he had put forrh your Bull with his horns forward, Idem have marred your message. I can tell you. I know not how rare it is, but I know how deer 'twill be, for I perceive 'twill cost thee twelve thou sand 'pounds, at least, beside the Cardinals cost in come ring. Herralds attend him: I thought so, I knew twoold be a monnie matter, when also done, now thart dese ̄ der of the aith, the Pope will have thee defend ucrie thing himself and all. I, when cany tell? dost thou think any oath Lords will take the fool, none here, I warrant, except the Cardinals. No by my troth, dost hear old Hary; I am sure, the true faith is able to defend it self without thee, and as for the Popes faith (good faith's) not worth a ar thing, and therefore gium him not a penny. Let him not meddle with thy matters then, for, and he meddle withthee, He middle with him thats cer taine and so farewell, I'll go and meet my little young Master Prince Edward, they say he comes to Court to night, I'll to horseback, Prithee Hary send one to hold my sturrup: shall I tell the Prince what the Pope has done. The that shall , his carcase for whither he will oh no. Thou cuttest my head indeed, but it no play, thou layest open enough, I could have entered at my pleasure. Well, Cedant arma toga, The scholars shall have the fools place. I thought so, I knew it one of your k aves, for your fools are harmless.