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Full speech
I! alas, Who told you I was valiant? She is deceived; but does she speak it truly? I Achilles? No, I am no Achilles: I confess I am no coward: That the world should think That I am and Achilles! yet the world may Call me what she please. I may have my share; But the last valour showed in Christendom e Was in Lepanto. Lepanto was no man sir, but the place Made famous by the so-much mentioned battle Betwixt the Turks and Christians. Not a whit; A novice, I! I could perchance Discourse from Adam downward; but what's that To History? All that I know is only the original, continuance, height, and alteration Of every Common wealth. I have read nothing But Plutarch, Livy, Tacitus, Suetonius, Appian, Dion, Junius, P terculus, With Florus, Justine, Sallust, and some few More of the Latin: For the modern, I Have all without book Gallo-belgicus, Philip De-Comino, Machiavele, Guiccardine, The Turkish and Egyptian Histories, With those of Spain, France, and the Netherlands. For England, Polydore Virgil, Camden, Speed, And a matter of forty more, nothing Alas to one that's read in Histories. In the Greek I have a smack or so, at Zenophon, Herodotus, Thucydides, and Stows Chronicle. Then I must number You with my best Authors in my Library. Far from it I; some insight, but no more. I count the stars, can give the Total sum, How many sands there be i'th' sea, but these Are trifles to the expert, that have studied Am I and Orator Alazon? no; Though it hath pleased the wiser few to say Demosthenes was not so eloquent; But Friends will flatter, and I am not bound To believe all Hyperboles: something sir Perchance I have, but it's not worth the naming Especially Alazon in your presence. What three Alazon? Why those three names are all the self same men There is no Poetry but Homers Iliads. A little sir, I have read Tasso. Their still the same. The world may think so, But it's deceived, and I am sorry for't. But I will tell you sir some excellent verses Made by a friend of mine; I have not read A better Epigram of a Neoterique. Strange sights there late was seen, that did affright The Multitude; the Moon was seen by night, And Sun appeared by day:— is it not good? Without remorse Each star and planet kept their wonted course. What here could fright them? (mark the answer now) Oh sir ask not that: The Vulgar know not why they fear, nor what. But in their humours too inconstant be, Nothing seems strange to them but constancy. Has not my friend approved himself a Poet? Why good Alazon? From whom? They are alas unworthy sir your owning. Such Trifles as my muse had stumbled on This morning. Is't currant Colax? This is the first time I heard on't in truth. Can it be certain? so much charity left In men's opinion? Why good sir bring me but acquainted them. I should be glad to see they any where Who? Not I, what is it? keth-mans president. Sir, I have no skill In any thing, if I have any, it's In languages, but yet insooth I speak Only my mother Tongue; I have not gained The Hebrew, Chaldee, Syriac, or Arabic; Nor know the Greek with all her Dialects. Scaliger and Tom Coriate both excel me. I have no skill in French, Italian, Spanish, Turkish, Egyptian, China, Persian Tongues Indeed the Latin I was whipped into; But Ruscian, Slavonian, and Dalmatian With Saxon, Danish, and Albanian speech, That of the Cossaches, and Hungarian too, With Biscays, and the prime of languages, Dutch, Weltch, and Irish are too hard for me To be familiar in: and yet some think (But thought is free) that I do speak all these As I were born in each. But they may err That think so; It's not every Judgement sits In the infallible chair. To confess truth All Europe, Asia, and Afric too; But in America, and the newfound world I very much fear there be some languages That would go near to puzzle me.
Plot summary
Plot — The Muses' Looking Glass
Bird and Mistress Flowerdew, Puritan residents of Blackfriars, bring their wares to the theatre, but are appalled when Roscius tells them they have been ordered for use as props in a filthy stage play. Roscius argues that they themselves make a living from the vice of vanity, and invites them to see the play before they condemn it; he will give them a running commentary on its moral import. Despite Roscius’ high claims, Comedy and Tragedy seem initially more concerned about the order of their precedence; they agree to spend a year in competition, staging examples of their respective genres, and whichever is adjudged the better will thereafter have the theatre to herself. The play is a series of episodes showing specific virtues to be the mean: an excess or a deficiency constitutes a vice. A lack of courtesy makes Dyscolus churlishly ready to pick quarrels, whereas too much of it makes Colax sycophantic, to such an extent that he hangs around for the rest of the play flattering all the other vices. Aphobus is over-confident and Deilus cowardly, afraid of his own shadow: they have respectively too much fortitude and too little. Temperance is the next example, illustrated by Acolastus the epicure and Anaisthetus the ascetic, followed by liberality, missing in Aneleutherus the miser and carried to excess in Asotus the prodigal. The over-ostentatious Banausus, full of extravagant schemes for public works, overdoes magnificence, whereas Microprepes balks at replacing a church steeple. (The Puritans in the audience 1630 approve.) Chaunus overvalues himself, and seeks inappropriate high offices, whereas Micropsychus thinks himself unsuited to even the meanest position. Meekness is quite absent from quarrelsome Orgylus, who persistently tries to provoke patient Aorgus to a fight, without success. The arrogant Alazon and the modest Eiron deviate from truth: one falsely claims personal qualities he lacks, the other denies those he does have. Philotimia is unduly fastidious about her appearance, whereas her slovenly husband Luparus would rather clothes had never been invented. The impudent bawd Anaiskyntia brings Kataplectus to visit Philotimia, but he is too bashful to speak to her in English. Philotimia appoints him her gentleman usher, and they go off together; it looks as if Luparus is going to be cuckolded, but he doesn’t care. The extremes of justice are next: Nimis is worldly and prone to accept bribes, adjudicating between litigants according to which can…